My son relapsed....

[BusynMember]

Please dont get involved in texting fight. He is old enough to defend himself with actions...or moms arent going to want their daughters with him. As for her son, she may feel the same or worse about him. She isnt new to this. She has her own son to deal with and now her daughter is with an addict...she is probably beside herself.

I dont blame you for not supporting his denial. How would it help him to support his dushonesty with himself?

I hope something clicks soon and that he sincerely wants to stop using drugs.

Big hugs for your hurting heart.

 

[mof]

I feel your pain as if it's mine. There is always hope they say.

Facebook and the " 2 yr memory"....my son as a life guard...who's lifeguard now? He's still doing well...took cab to work..cabby offered his # for drug..omg! He is in risky neighborhood.....says he's going to be good for thurs.

I'm glad your son has someone who loves him...maybe she will help him see the light.

Sending you hugs.
M

 

[BusynMember]

Seriously, there is no place without drugs. I've lived in Chicago, the ritzy burbs and small town and now small city Wisconsin. Drugs are everywhere. Our small city of 18,000 is the heroin capital of Wisconsin. To make it worse, our big city, Milwaukee, regularly has dealers come up here to sell heroin to thr kids. They know the kids here can and will pay twice as much for heroin than in Milwaukee. They make regular runs and we are three hours away.

This is a typical clean cut respectable town where most parents care deeply about their kids, but drug use is crazy. There is no escape from drugs. Your adult child has to learn to say no. It is the only way. And it is hard. My daughter was a hermit right after she quit, except to walk to and from work in the Chicago burbs. It was lonely.

 

[mof]

So true...the Amish have struggled forever with drugs. My younger sons don't understand where the drugs are...well, they aren't looking for them.

They are e struggling too..they love their brother, they told me they don't want him to feel abandoned.

 

[BusynMember]

That's sad.

My younger kids both cried when I made my daughter leave and so did I. With them. But she also scared them.

 

[mof]

Heart hurts...He has never been violent, scary or even yelled. But, he was sliding to a crazy scale at Xmas....He was spiraling and we didn't know what was going on.

He said last month that he was as crazy as he thought he was. He needs to be monitored with medications...only. even 6mos. He is very loved.

 

[RN0441]

Mof I honestly wonder how long she'll stay with him if her mom is so against it. She just turned 18. Sometimes I think by him having her that may enable him but on the other hand I am glad he has her. Hard to say what is better. It probably doesn't really matter.

My son was always so sensible and cautious. Hopefully by your 15 year olds seeing this, they will not follow that path.

Yes SWOT I took my own better judgement and decided to stay out of it. I feel better when I'm not in the drama. Plus if I'm not texting him now due to taking a break I certainly shouldn't be texting her either.

 

[mof]

We don't know, but I know that the love she gives must filter into him. She is young, and I'm sure her Mom is concerned.

On a small beacon of light, my son is sober and working on s staying so. What is good is that he responded to his A brother, bro asked him if he felt guilty for the lapse....He responded today....yes. Then A told him that he misses him and to work hard so he can be with us again.

He continues to keep communicate...that's positive.


I was referred to a therapist through my work...surprise, her day job is dealing with opiate addiction. AL has the highest opiate prescription addiction....pain doctors.....

So I will count today as a small win.

 

[RN0441]

Mof

Glad to hear that your son is working in the right direction.

My son is sober right now but I don't believe he is really working on his recovery. I am not having any contact with my son until he does and he knows this. My husband does though. We have pulled away this time. A lot. Will it matter? Only the man upstairs knows.

The therapist sounds perfect for you! Stay positive. That's all we can do. The rest is up to them!

 

[mof]

One day sober is better than one day not. I welcome all the people he meets in his journey..you never know what he will hear or see that makes something click.

 

[mof]

RN0411...I pray your son will see that his family is so much more than any drug they can take. The pull is strong...but love is stronger.

 

[Albatross]

RN, I SO think you did the right thing in stepping back

It sounds like the therapist is a good fit for you! That's great!

With regard to girlfriend's mother, I think this is stirring up a lot of painful history and therefore fear in her, so that probably causes it to come out stronger than she really means.

 

[RN0441]

My son actually texted me yesterday; a picture of his head/hair saying he needs money for a haircut. I told him to text his dad - the money man. Also told him to work on the list his dad gave him. Get a job etc.

He then sent me a picture later of the ocean/beach - he knows I love that and a selfie of him. That was the first picture of him since the overdose. He looked good. I asked him to please take care of himself. That was it for now.

I am really starting to think addiction is stronger than love Mof. If love could fix it, he'd be cured long ago.

Albatross I didn't even ask him about Anna's mom and the things she said. I feel sorry for the woman. She is very ill. I'm sure she's scared to death for her daughter. I'm scared for them both myself!

 

[BusynMember]

Love can't cure addiction. If it could we wouldn't have many addicts. Most are loved very much

 

[RN0441]

Need your opinion please wise folks:

So haven't really talked to my son since he got out of the PHP program. He is now back in IOP where he started back in March when he first got to Florida.

On the day he overdosed on his girlfriend's moms morphine (I think it was morphine), he got two moving violations. One for having an open beer in the car (he did pass the sobriety test or it would have been a DUI) and one for driving the wrong way down a one way street (he was in an area he was not familiar with and I know that can happen so not that upset about that one).

I spoke to his therapist a few weeks ago and it seems he still has the sense of entitlement, doesn't feel he needs it blah blah blah. However he told me while in detox before that that it happened for a reason and now he sees that his addiction is serious.

So thus the reason that I have pulled away from my son and detached. Dad is handling him. I have given everything to this the past five years and it hasn't changed a damn thing. I can't do it any longer. My husband is so much better at it than I am. He's sober because he knows if he isn't he'll be at a shelter.

Husband gave him a list of what we expect from him. First and foremost to get a job and pay us back for the two tickets costing $350 total. After that is done and IF the facility says he is progressing, THEN he can get his car back.

He has been in IOP for a week today. So far no job. Says he's applying daily HOWEVER he does not want to work on the strip there which is walking distance. There are a lot of restaurants there. He worked at one before as a bus boy and moved up to food runner. He also could have been a server. This really pisses me off.

Today he called to say he was offered a job as a delivery man service but guess what. He needs a car!! He called dad who told him no. He called me and I told him no. We both said you need a job you can WALK to or take a bus to or get a ride to. He thinks we are being impossible. Really??? I think he actually thought we'd give him the car so he could earn the car back! WTF!!

He sent me a text just now that he does not have any money to eat or do anything and we leave him there to die.

His dad told him he may just sell the car so he'll have to take a bus to a job to get money to buy a car. How'd he like that?? We're doing the right thing aren't we?

 

[mof]

First off...Your doing the best you can with what your dealt.

He needs money, a job, you do what u have to. What is his reason for not working close by? I bet he c an find a food bank to get food..

How does he afford where's he living? Tell him you can give him money as soon as u sell the car....wonder what he'd think of that? Choices...it's about choices.

We have to have boundaries.....it protects all involved.

Praying for your stress...seems like you both have the right attitude.

 

[BusynMember]

I DISAGREE WITH MoF IN A VERY RESPECTFUL WAY. I THINK YOU CAN DO MORE I THINK you can do a lot more...but it's hard...here's my spiel...and I need to say it once, then I will not repeat it.

I let my daughter do it on her own. We didn't pay tickets or give her a car. She walked to and from work in the bitter cold Chicago winter.

It was over a mile. If she didn't work she had no money so she did. She worked at Subway and did so well that, without a car, she was still reliable and never late. She became the store manager.

Your son hasn't done anything yet. in my opinion the more we help, the less that they feel like quitting. . It is a fact that the FEW of us on this board who have addicts who quit drugs had stopped doing anything for them.

Your son VERY RECENTLY stole drugs as a guest. He got two DUIs. I'm so shocked your husband PAID those tickets. Why? And your son is whining about where he wants to work...after doing all that. Then, after two DUIS YOU MAY give HIM HIS Car back?

I say this gently but with resolve. As long as you do things for son, rescue him out of tickets, give him a car after two DUIS because he doesn't want to do this or that...you will feel better and not guilty, so doing those things make YOU feel good but are not helpful to your son. in my opinion that is.

Until you let him suffer consequences and hardships, he will not quit. It's too difficult to quit and things are not bad enough for him.

If I had bailed daughter out of DUIs and handed her a car because she was picky about where she would work, she would probably still be in drug land. We needed to just cry at home but let her learn that life was tough.

My opinion is gently that you are afraid to let him suffer. He still calls the shots. Through this all, you don't want him to feel hurt, even if he should.

This is not a road map to sobriety. I don't think husband should have paid the tickets EVEN if son pays you back (he doesnt need to be driving...he could kill somebody next time) and he is a danger to himself and others on the road. My daughter injured somebody and lost her license and owed the person $14,000.

She paid at first. Her father rewarded her for three years of work and sobriety and paid the balance. I think she deserved it. I don't feel your son is owed anything. I think it hurts him.

He is still doing very bad things and they are nobody's fault but his. He is so far still acting like an addict. And he still gets his car because he won't work on the strip? Really? Why do you even let him get away with dictating where he works? Who is in charge? in my opinion he just wants his car and he shouldn't have it

I won't answer anymore because I know this was harsh and...perhaps it hurt you and that isnt my intention. But just because your son says he saw the light..he doesnt need a reward . Talk is cheap and addicts lie.

I hope I'm wrong but what you are doing in my opinion are to make yourselves not feel guilty (which I understand and felt acutely) but your son is running circles around you two. You aren't helping him from what I've seen of addiction and stopping addictive behavior. They HAVE to feel badly and suffer to quit.

I know. It sounds awful. It feels awful seeing it. But I never take my healthy, straight daughter for granted. She had to suffer to quit and be where she is at now. It was very hard on me. She hated me for it...at least at first. We are very close now...

"DRUG LIFE IS JUST TOO HARD." QUOTE BY MY PRECIOUS SOBER DAUGHTER ONCE WE PULLED OUT, WE PULLED OUT ALL THE WAY. Was not long before she quit.

Good luck. I won't speak up again.

 

[Kathy813]

No, no, no! Do not give in to that classic manipulation. My daughter did that so many times. I can't go to school, get a job, yada yada yada, unless you give me what I want. And I will starve if you don't.

That is total BS. If your son gets hungry enough, he will get a job so he can eat. And he will find one in walking distance. Plus, he is in a sober living house, right? Do you really think that they would let him starve?

You have set clear boundaries on what he needs to do to get the car back. Stick to your guns. I can't tell you how much I wish I had done that when my daughter was your son's age. When we finally did stand strong, she finally started taking care of herself.

Your son has substance abuse issues but another one of his problems is that he is entitled and thinks that you owe him whatever he wants. You don't. It is time for him to man up and start taking care of himself. Until he accepts that he needs to do that, he will never truly be in recovery because he hasn't surrendered that he isn't in charge anymore. Part of recovery is cleaning up your past mistakes so he needs to pay those tickets . . . not you!

~Kathy

 

[in a daze]

, he is in a sober living house, right? Do you really think that they would let him starve?

I sent my kid 90.00 a week, until he finally got a job. Maybe too generous. He is still in sober living, and his place does not include food.

Food stamps a possibility?

 

[BusynMember]

Few adults, unless housebound, starve in the U.S. There are food banks, shelters (Salvation Army is one) and food stamp cardsb(not sure what they are called these days). When I used to worry about my daughter not eating, I sent her money, which she now tells me she used for drugs. Drug users are not big eaters. And there are always ways to get food.

They use that hungry bit so we feel bad for them. It pulls at a mothers heartstrings, even though its usually untrue.

if they are really starving, which should always be questioned in your mind, most of our adult kids are very bright. My daughter is way up there in IQ. They know what exactly works to manipulate us and they also can locate the free places to eat. And food pantries.

I volunteered at a homeless shelter. Anyone could come in to eat church women home cooked delicious meals. And everyone who needed meals knew it. Most people dont get such good meals at home. No offense to all you great cooks .

I think I learned s lot from talking often and openly to my now sober daughter about her drug days. I learned so much. The one thing that stuck the most was, "Never trust a drug addict. They lie. All.The.Time."

Sending them money just helps them use drugs. I think its a bad idea.