My son relapsed....

[rebelson]

RN -

He's trying to pull one over on you & hub.

ALL (not some) of those sober living IOP houses in Delray help every addict sign up for FOOD STAMPS, like, on week ONE. So, either your son already gets food stamps (& you are or aren't aware of this) OR he did not feel like going thru the work to get them. The amount isn't too shabby either, around $194/month.

As for the tickets, he has 30+ days to pay them. You and hub should NOT pay them for him, then have him pay you. This is what enabling, rescuing is. I get it though. I have paid plenty of tickets, other things for my son. Regretfully.

I think we do this out of selfishness. "We" feel better knowing the tickets are paid. Do you really think "he" is losing sleep over unpaid tickets?

Not.

 

[Albatross]

RN, in my opinion it would be a mistake to give him his car back, for 2 reasons.

One, there are jobs available, close jobs, jobs for which he has experience. Your son seems to think they are beneath him. Perhaps he needs to humble himself. He is the one who put himself in his situation.

My second reason is that giving him his car back right now might be very detrimental and even dangerous to his recovery, like giving a souped-up Corvette to a 16-year-old who just got his driver's license. Your son has already proven that he is impulsive. Why make it easier for him to abandon his program? (and why make it easier for him at all, really?)

My son made an identical argument when he was in rehab and it was time to get a job.

(As an aside, this is another instance where I wish I could get my hands on the Difficult Child Handbook, because clearly they all have copies and pull arguments from the same source.)

Anyway, we took him his car. His counselor urged us to rethink it, telling us the other residents did NOT have cars and that it would serve only to give Difficult Child an easy way to leave rehab if things got challenging. We ignored his warnings because Difficult Child said he had a great job doing carpentry work, which he loved, and we thought that would help in his recovery. He quit the job in less than a week, and he and another resident checked themselves out of rehab shortly afterward. The only thing the car did, really, was make him temporarily popular with the residents who didn't HAVE cars, and of course that was not a good thing for him either.

 

[mof]

I never suggested you see d him money...I meant that you would sell something of his for money...He has no entitlement to a car.

I'm praying for his sight of the truth....hugs

 

[mof]

I sent my kid 90.00 a week, until he finally got a job. Maybe too generous. He is still in sober living, and his place does not include food.

Food stamps a possibility?

We do the same thing..and now less with his par time job...He has to ask for rides..but the houses do help the guys get to work when needed.....

 

[RN0441]

Thanks to all your responses ladies.

SWOT: he did not get a DUI but he did get two tickets. We did pay the tickets but my husband did that for himself and he has to pay us back ($350) and get an okay from the facility that he can have his car back. Neither one which will happen soon. Right now the car is parked and will stay parked. We may even sell it IF he doesn't turn things around soon. You were not harsh at all. No worries.

After I wrote that on Friday I knew that we would not give him the car back for the job. I never wanted him to even have a delivery job even when he was here. Too much wear and tear on the car and opportunity for speeding tickets etc. (and that's if he's 100% sober!). That was me being in my fix it mode. It's such a bad habit and I'm working like hell to get out of that habit. I know it does no good for anyone. He is a master manipulator and heart strings puller.

We did send money to his house manager to get a Publix card to give to our son for food. $50 per week. This is what house manager recommended. He was spending any money he had on fast food. No more of that. We see everything he spends on line via the debit card he has.

Son is applying to jobs on line he says but we told him he needs to work at restaurant on strip that he can walk to. He did have a bad experience with last restaurant, even house manager agreed, and he was screwing the busboys and runners out of tip money. But he has to do that; no choice. He asked for money yesterday to take girlfriend bowling. We said no. Get a job first.

Albatross: Almost same exact story with my son regarding giving him car some time ago. We did it against the advice of his facility also and he then left with another guy and went to sober living in another town and the guy is now the house manager there but son never did find job in new town and ended up overdosing. Almost exact situation regarding car. We do it for the right reasons but our kids aren't in a place where this makes sense. We see that now.

So today I have a call into my son's therapist. My son told me to talk to her because she has good news. I'm waiting to hear what she says. It won't change the way we are reacting to him but I would like to hear what she has to say. This was via text. We haven't talked much at all since overdose because I am changing the way I react to him now.

I realize my shortcomings in all of this. I am seeing a therapist so I can lead this with my HEAD and not my HEART. I am already so much better.

 

[BusynMember]

I am relieved you arent angrry. I am finding I care alot about a kind lady like yoursrlf and your dear son. And I know how many tears one cties over drug abusing kids and how they manipulate our love.

I am also very proud of you, if you care...lol. Seriously, you are getting to a better place for yourself. You sound much stronger!

 

[RN0441]

I am relieved you arent angrry. I am finding I care alot about a kind lady like yoursrlf and your dear son. And I know how many tears one cties over drug abusing kids and how they manipulate our love.

I am also very proud of you, if you care...lol. Seriously, you are getting to a better place for yourself. You sound much stronger!

Aw thanks. I put it all out there when my head is spinning and I'm trying to make sense of it all. My coworker told me that I have changed. She said that when I was talking about my son. It is truly all due to this forum. I talked about it the entire time with my therapist on Thursday. It was weird. It just kind of happened. I think that change comes when we really need it and work hard at it. I did work hard and cried a million tears and still do. At times I am overwhelmed with emotion because of all of this.

As my husband said, in small ways when we pulled back with our son emotionally even before, he then did a bit of work. If his therapist has something good to say it has to be because I have changed. I know my son has to see it/feel it too. Maybe that will make him slowly change. We have set so many conditions now.

 

[in a daze]

I don't know why we never thought of this.

We did send money to his house manager to get a Publix card to give to our son for food. $50 per week. This is what house manager recommended. He was spending any money he had on fast food. No more of that. We see everything he spends on line via the debit card he has

 

[RN0441]

In a Daze: we never thought of it either. I had hoped to be able to do it all on line or via phone but it isn't that simple and we don't have Publix here in Illinois. He can still get frozen pizzas etc. but whatever. House manager said the guys are able to shop smart and make the $50 last the week. Plus he gets food when he goes to IOP meetings. He didn't spend a lot on each fast food visit but he needs to cook. He knows how; just being extremely lazy. Even college kids eat Ramen and he did at home all the time!

 

[rebelson]

We did send money to his house manager to get a Publix card to give to our son for food. $50 per week.

Be aware, addicts sell those Publix gift cards for a lesser amount. Say, a $50 one, for $30. The ladies on here are the ones who alerted me to that.

Sounds like your son turned down food stamps? It is something all sober livings, PHP's do automatically, is to help get the food stamp process started with each addict. Addicts in these places are considered "homeless" in FL. Thus, food stamps are easy to get. I'm wondering why your son isn't getting them.

It's a shame that you now have that unnecessary extra $ burden, on top of everything else you help him with. [emoji17]

 

[RN0441]

Be aware, addicts sell those Publix gift cards for a lesser amount. Say, a $50 one, for $30. The ladies on here are the ones who alerted me to that.

Sounds like your son turned down food stamps? It is something all sober livings, PHP's do automatically, is to help get the food stamp process started with each addict. Addicts in these places are considered "homeless" in FL. Thus, food stamps are easy to get. I'm wondering why your son isn't getting them.

It's a shame that you now have that unnecessary extra $ burden, on top of everything else you help him with. [emoji17]

Rebelson: I am not sure what is going on with the food stamps. We told him to apply but he's only been out one week. We formerly put money onto his Chase card for food so he could have done that with that money also but he never did.

He is staying sober and gets tested daily and I know he knows we won't bail him out if he doesn't so I'm pretty sure he'll do what he needs to do. He refuses to live in a shelter so I think that is enough incentive to keep him in line for now.

 

[rebelson]

I am not sure what is going on with the food stamps. We told him to apply but he's only been out one week.

No, he would've applied 4 months ago, when he 1st entered the sober house. When you're accepted (100% of addicts are accepted), you are good for 4 or 6 month increments at a time, $194/month. Then, they just reapply.

I shared that with you, that they can and do sell gift cards, because the women on here shared it with me. And I think it's a good thing to know. I was clueless to the fact. In our shoes, I don't think too much information is possible. I was actually a victim of this action on my addict's part. Yes, your son is good right now. But, that can change with the blink of an eye. He could get the urge at any time or moment. If he ever, (God protect him to not) gets to the relapse point, and he has a gift card, he could sell it, and then use for relapse drug of choice. You would not find out till after the fact. That is all I am saying, again, I have lived this. I feel angry right now, that my son fudged the amt of dental bill due (by $4), that I gave him for something good for him - dental work, then used the $4 for liquor for his relapse. And, no, I am not so much blaming myself as he would've gotten the liquor some other way. But, still. This past incident has been a real eye opener to me, that I cannot believe ANYTHING he says, even 'though he's sober in sober living and gets tested'.

We really have to always & without fail, be a few steps ahead of them. Never assume 'never', or 'won't happen'.

My son, the past 4 months, has hardly asked me for $ at all. He has food stamps so that is taken care of. So, if he sells the food stamps? Not my money, not my problem! Not my monkey, not my circus. Who would suffer if he sold ebt card? He would, by the hunger pangs that inevitably follow. And for one who loves the gym and to work out, & consumed with the proper mixture of carbs & proteins & having a small meal every 3hrs...kinda hard to do, when you're without food $. But, the best thing about the ebt card? It's not OUR money he would be selling.

On the few occasions I did transfer over $ for him for a 'legit' request, when he was not in 'relapse' danger, he did not 'misuse' it. I could tell by his bank account transactions. But, with last week's relapse, apparently he was in 'relapse zone', unbeknownst to me. So, when I transferred the dental treatment $ to his account, I was not overly worried about the exact bill amount. Because I 'thought he was good'. But, he was not good.

You are way kinder than I, in giving him $200/month when he could have had that amount in food stamps all this time.

I'm so happy for you, that you are so strong. I wish I was.

 

[RN0441]

Rebelson:

In the end if he doesn't want to be sober, it's his life. I can't make him want that. If he wants to throw it all away again and do the Florida Shuffle, so be it. Honestly I have really let that go. I had to. At least he's not doing it around me and in my home.

He knows if he screws up his dad will not see him next month. He very much wants to spend a few days with his dad. Is that enough incentive? We'll see.

If he screws up after that, he will not see us in November on our visit to our condo. It's all on him. I won't feel one bit guilty either time because it will be his doing.

I just spoke to his therapist. She said he is surprising her. This is a complete 180 since the last time I talked to her two weeks ago. He also told her that he knows he can never go to his girlfriend's house due to the pills there and that he cannot drink or do anything because it is a trigger. I asked her if she thought he was BS'ing her and she said that she goes by his actions and not what he says. She is working with him on humility. I am happy to finally get some good news.

I have changed and I think that is making him reevaluate his situation.

When he gets a job he will be paying for his own food if he does not get food stamps. I think there is a job fair that he has to go to get them.

Right now I have no desire to see him. Isn't that terrible? I'm just worn out after almost six years of this. Sometimes I wish he would just go away. When I see pictures of him when he was little (just did some cleaning) I really feel like that person doesn't exist. I have mourned so much that maybe that is what happens.

I am hoping for the best but prepared for the worst as they say.

 

[BusynMember]

Sadly I understand. It is hard for me ti get to St. Louis from where I live. I talk to my don often, but I dont really want to go there. its too hard tobe in the same space as him. Im always thrilled to see my other kids and see them often.

I do feel guilty.

 

[mof]

I can relate RN....hoping for best...

Difficult Child did a hard thing last week..and is we believe doing everything this week. He lost two roommates this week....relapsed on cocaine.

We hope to see him this weekend if my younger son is better, he has mono with a low platlette count.

My son has had entirely too much money for food...his first sober house pushed for food stAmps after 2 months...but not this one.

We are working on transition to home...scary a d promising at same time.

I mourn the boy, dreams...but believe that he is worthy of a good life of his choosing.

 

[RN0441]

Mof: Scary when others relapse but more scary when it's your own!

Hoping all goes well for you when he returns home.

Mono is not good!

 

[mof]

RN..Thank you

 

[so ready to live]

I mourn the boy, dreams...but believe that he is worthy of a good life of his choosing.

So true whether they are 19 or 29, I just wish they thought they were "worthy of a good life of their choosing". But then that most certainly depends on who is evaluating what a good life is in all this mess. So hard to remember that my perception of functioning is not his. My son says he wants better (living conditions, things, relationships) but not enough to do what has to be done to get it---soooooo, there must be secondary gain in living like this, to him, which is not understandable to me. Our club t-shirt should read "I don't get it" As others have said it's the song of our people. Prayers.

 

[BusynMember]

Often the pay off to them is drugs. They choose that over what we consider a good, normal life.

 

[mof]

A friend reminded me who lost her brother to addiction, their success is not what we may value as successful.

If they stay sober and bus tables for 10 years....not what we would want, but sobriety and work is all they might be able to achieve....I take a lot of deep breathes.