My son relapsed....

[BusynMember]

Tell him to call your husband, not you. sounds like you need a break. He wants you to send him money. Don't. Will husband give in?

 

[RN0441]

SWOT

No husband won't give in. Son wants us to let him do this on his own but we won't. We know he needs to do this.

It's been hard for my husband to accept the whole "addiction" thing.

But I think what happened made us KNOW that is what we are dealing with. Maybe that's why it happened. I don't know.

 

[Kathy813]

RN, this is where boundaries are very important. You do not have to let him bug you. Period. You tell him what you will accept and then stick to it. If he starts calling or texting with complaints, block his number. I had to do that multiple times with my daughter before she got the message. If she wants to talk to me, she has to be appropriate and talk about things that do not upset me.

What was your son's plan about the $400 a month? Were you supposed to pay it? Quite frankly, your son does not sound like he is ready to be sober. My daughter was like that when we forced her into a 3-month inpatient program and relapsed immediately after she got out. She told us later that she still didn't believe she had a problem at that point and had no intention of remaining sober. Mind you, this was after her heroin overdose so it was pretty clear to everyone but her that she had a problem!

It is going to be very hard for you but if he keeps insisting that he wants to leave the program and go to school, tell him that he has your blessing but no financial support. Lots of people work while putting themselves through school. If he is right and can make it on his own, it is a win-win. But if he can't, maybe he will finally accept that he has a problem and take the help that you are offering him.

I wish I could explain in words the difference in my daughter now from when she was in programs before. She likes and appreciates the rules now and keeps telling us that she is in a great place. I asked her recently what the difference was this time and she said it was a combination of being in a great program with her finally being ready to be sober. I think both of those components are necessary for recovery.

In the meantime, take care of yourself. I am so glad you are seeing a therapist. Don't be afraid to demand time for yourself. I had to take a complete break from my daughter at times and at others set limits to the number of times she could contact me. For example, for a while, my husband and I would only talk to her once a week on Sundays. My therapist highly encouraged setting boundaries like that to force her to deal with her issues on her own instead of complaining to us and upsetting us.

~Kathy

 

[RN0441]

Kathy:

Everything you said is so true. He just got on FB messenger again and said he is getting a sponsor. Bravo! This is a good idea I said. Then he started: "when I was sober four months you didn't give me any credit". Bullshit! "Maybe if you give me incentive like six months clean you'll rent me a room or something. I didn't drink and drive."

He said he'll call me later. WTF. I told him to quit the blame game; we gave him everything WHEN he was sober. I haven't "talked" to him since Sunday.

When he calls I am telling him that his sobriety is for HIM not for us. He has to graduate from the program. He will be in sober living etc. as long as it takes. Until we see a CHANGE in him. I am going to not talk to him except once per week. I know this is not good for me. Let him talk to his dad. He doesn't pull that crap with him.

I hear what you are saying. I know that when HE is really ready to do this he won't be pulling this crap. Still no change in him. This sucks. Your daughter is 31. My son is almost 21. Not sure how much longer this can go on.

 

[Kathy813]

"Maybe if you give me incentive like six months clean you'll rent me a room or something. I didn't drink and drive."

Wow. Classic entitlement. You don't owe him a thing. His incentive should be internal . . . not a result of a bribe. Yes, he is still young (21) but remember that there are men and women that age who serve and die for our country. I remember one member long ago said that she kept a picture of a young soldier by her phone to help her remember that when she talked to her son. Your son is old enough to take care of himself.

I wish we had been stronger and known what we know now when my daughter was that age. We could have saved ourselves years of heartbreak. It was only when we finally learned to set boundaries and stop letting our daughter emotionally manipulate us that she finally stopped trying. I truly believe that was what led her finally to get serious about recovery.

I realize it is harder for you since your son is still so young. Age and maturity do help with recovery. On the plus side, your son is still young enough that he won't have to waste years of his life if he can get sober now. Unfortunately, you can't make that happen. All you can do is offer him the help he needs and hope he takes it. In the meantime, take care of you.

~Kathy

 

[RN0441]

Kathy:

My therapist said we should support him with boundaries. I thought we were doing that. I am working really hard not to let him manipulate me. I think I am pretty strong when I talk to him NOW since overdose but I don't FEEL it inside. I am really going to pull away more than I already have. Let him communicate mainly with his father, that is best. He is the stronger one of us.

My age reference was mainly that our "kids" are 10 years apart and I can't/wont' do this for ten years. I think you are right. We need to really set firmer boundaries now even though we really thought sending him so far away from us would have been a huge wake up call.

I really appreciate your comments as well as everyone else's. He does sound like a spoiled brat when I reread these things.

 

[Albatross]

So yesterday during the day he again messaged me - "I want to be in school so I can get a job where I can live on my own. I can rent a room for $400 a month".

Yes, RN. I have dealt with exactly this. In fact, that is almost verbatim what my son said to me before he left. I think you told him exactly the right thing. It sounds to me like he is grasping at any straw.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

Kathy:

My therapist said we should support him with boundaries. I thought we were doing that. I am working really hard not to let him manipulate me. I think I am pretty strong when I talk to him NOW since overdose but I don't FEEL it inside. I am really going to pull away more than I already have. Let him communicate mainly with his father, that is best. He is the stronger one of us.

My age reference was mainly that our "kids" are 10 years apart and I can't/wont' do this for ten years. I think you are right. We need to really set firmer boundaries now even though we really thought sending him so far away from us would have been a huge wake up call.

I really appreciate your comments as well as everyone else's. He does sound like a spoiled brat when I reread these things.

Addicts don't deserve positive credit for repeatedly failing... During that sober 4 month period, he deserved credit and recognition for it. But that went away the second he decided to put a substance into his system, despite knowing the consequences. There is no such thing as "almost recovered". We are either recovering, or we are not. When we are, we actually deserve the credit and recognition. When we are not, it is irresponsible to give it to us. It send the message that failure isn't bad as it actually is.

It doesn't matter how many times an addict has cleaned up for however long in the past. Each time we relapse, we start over. I know I must sound like a broken record here, but the humility to admit that you are no better than the addicts sitting around you is crucial. When I was doing NA, I met a woman who had 20 years clean time after 20 years of alcohol and substance abuse. She was an actual, licensed, practicing counselor working with addicts on a daily basis. Then a flight she was supposed to be on was delayed, and she ended up having "just one" drink while stuck in the airport. Which turned into a full blown relapse, and a 3 month long binge. She walked into this meeting with head hung, and with the understanding that her decades of sobriety mattered not. She started over with the steps, stopped sponsoring other addicts, and worked on herself. THAT is real humility. She could probably recite the 12 steps, as well as the "Just For Today" booklet from memory, but she acknowledged that she obviously didn't fully get it.

 

[RN0441]

Darkwing:

Thanks for this. We know, and he knows, that we did fully support him in that four months. Our relationship was at an all time high. I know he enjoyed that as much as we did. Not sure why he is even going there to be honest. We have no guilt however because we all know the truth.

I will make note of that when I talk to him - yes you did it but now you're back at "square one", you relapsed. You didn't have the tools you needed to walk away from the temptation because you were never 100% in. No short cuts this time.

 

[rebelson]

I can rent a room for $400 a month".

Ok, this is BS. I am from Palm Beach county, lived there for 30yrs. Also last fall, I helped my own son try to find a 'room to rent' in the Boynton/Delray area. Impossible to find anything under $550/mo., unless it's in the 'ghetto'.

Unless he has 2 or 3 other ppl he plans on renting an apt. with, and splitting the rent, $400 is not realistic.

He has a lot of work to do.

But, I think the elephant in the room is, 'does HE think he has a lot of work to do?'

Quite frankly, your son does not sound like he is ready to be sober.

Ditto. He might have the desire to be sober, but if he does not 1. think he has a problem and 2. want to do anything ABOUT said problem, nothing will change.

When he calls I am telling him that his sobriety is for HIM not for us. He has to graduate from the program. He will be in sober living etc. as long as it takes.

But, 'he' has to want the sobriety for himself. Until 'he' wants it, this is all spinning wheels, going through the motions, in my opinion.

It is going to be very hard for you but if he keeps insisting that he wants to leave the program and go to school, tell him that he has your blessing but no financial support.

Ditto. My opinion is, is that you need to begin coming around to the fact that he may end up leaving the program without your blessing. I am concerned that until he is able to be allowed to experience life on 'his' terms, he will not come to the point to where he reaches closer to his bottom, desires, seeks out, sobriety on his 'own' terms. Not mom and dad's.

Earlier this year, when I began posting on here, I saw that my son was asking me for $ under the guise of 'I need food, gas.'....and then buying liquor with it. After that, I abruptly cut him off, no more $. He was also jobless and way behind on his '$600/mo. room rental'. A month or so later, after I could tell he was really floundering, drinking a lot, stagnant....he texted me one afternoon with his new sober living house mgr's phone #. What a shocker! He had admitted himself in to detox. He did that on his own. He actually independently sought help. For him, a stubborn person and user for 9yrs...that was huge. But, it took him 9yrs...to reach that point. I had to step back, let it play itself out.

RN, I feel your pain. You know I can say that, unfortunately. We all on here, understand it.

 

[Kathy813]

I didn't even think about the amount of the rent. rebelson is right. My daughter could not find anything under $600 a month when she lived in that area and that was with one or two roommates. The cost of living is very high in that part of Florida.

 

[RN0441]

Yes Rebelson. You are right. We have to get toughER with him than we have ever been. We are ready to do it this time.

My friends have seen a change in me this time that they did not see before. I think I am getting to where I need to be. It is not an easy path to change the way you parent a child, although I have been in the process of changing that for five years. That is one reason I see a therapist now - to help me with all of this.

He is talking about literally renting a room I think and that probably isn't possible either - but either way, not happening on my dime.

He wants to be sober and all that goes with it but probably still not wanting to do the work. Hopefully he will get there. He's just going to be 21 and from what I'm hearing 23 seems to be the youngest magical age.

 

[Kathy813]

Ah, that magical age. I had read that the brain doesn't fully develop until 25 so I thought that would be the magical age. Nope. Then I thought that surely by 30 she would get it. Nope.

Now I am shooting for 32.


~Kathy

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

Yes Rebelson. You are right. We have to get toughER with him than we have ever been. We are ready to do it this time.

My friends have seen a change in me this time that they did not see before. I think I am getting to where I need to be. It is not an easy path to change the way you parent a child, although I have been in the process of changing that for five years. That is one reason I see a therapist now - to help me with all of this.

He is talking about literally renting a room I think and that probably isn't possible either - but either way, not happening on my dime.

He wants to be sober and all that goes with it but probably still not wanting to do the work. Hopefully he will get there. He's just going to be 21 and from what I'm hearing 23 seems to be the youngest magical age.

If he isn't ready to do the work, he isn't ready. There has never been a single drug addict that got there on their very first attempt. Unfortunately, it takes a lot of failure to succeed. We try out so many different things so many times before we can finally accept that we are powerless. And that is exactly what we truly are. We are out of control in every aspect. Of our lives, of our relationships, of our drug use, etc. We no longer control a damn thing. We are controlled by our need for the drugs. When you talk to an active addict, you aren't talking to the addict. None of us were born junkies. The lifestyle changes everything about us, and not for the better. That is why you have a hard time accepting the things your children say and do now as opposed to who they were before drugs. They are two different people. We aren't lost forever, though. We are somewhere, buried deep. Once your son is ready to admit and accept his powerlessness, he will be ready to make true strides forward. Recovery is a "two steps forward, one step back" kind of thing, but that IS progress. Relapse can be progress, so long as we learn something from it.

Once he is ready, doing the work wont be something he avoids, but embraces. If he isn't there yet, so be it. You are always right there, ready to do whatever you can to help him improve. He may be choosing to play Russian roulette, but you don't have to help load the gun.

 

[RN0441]

Ok so he's in there because he has no choice and he's not ready to be sober yet we are demanding he stay there. We won't pay for anything.

Now what?

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

Ah, that magical age. I have heard that the brain doesn't fully develop until 25 so I thought that would be the magical age. Nope. Then I thought that surely by 30 she would get it. Nope.

Now I am shooting for 32.


~Kathy

I think the magical age is right around 2. My niece is happier than anybody I know. So content, so inquisitive. Everything is still so new for her. The worst thing in her life is being woken up from a nap. She HATES that, but loves just about everything, and everybody else.

She tried to kidnap the neighbor's dog, though.... I heard the 11 year old neighbor girl yelling, and when I looked over, there was a game of tug of war with the leash between the two of them. So my aunt went out and bought one of those mechanical dog toy things. It's actually pretty life like, and she loves it. Scared the out of me last night, though. Woke up to use the restroom, and apparently the thing has a sensor to that tells it when somebody walks by, and it started yipping at me.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

Ok so he's in there because he has no choice and he's not ready to be sober yet we are demanding he stay there. We won't pay for anything.

Now what?

If he is dead set on making this wrong decision, there is very little you can do to stop it. And it isn't that he isn't ready to be clean. ALL addicts are ready to be clean. If there were a button in front of us that will magically fix us, we'd push it. Only a crazy person would enjoy the life of a junkie. When we become addicted, we no longer use for fun. It isn't recreational, it is necessary. We cannot function on even the most basic level without the drugs. We continue to take them because we have to, at least in our own minds.

I am sure he wants to not be a drug addict. He just isn't comprehending that there is only one way out of it, and that is complete surrender of our pride and stubbornness. He will eventually figure out that the way out is not the direction he keeps trying. It's a matter of acceptance more than desire. He is still clutching to his pride. Pride is the sin. And the only cure for pride is humility.

 

[rebelson]

Is this the first time your son has been in treatment?

RN, yes, it is his 1st time in any type of 'official' treatment. He has had many sober stints (6+ month long ones) over the 9yrs, but 'most' of them were mandated (probation for some legal troubles). Beginning earlier this year, I think he was 'getting tired' of the drinking, using lifestyle. He'd text me a picture of a new 'white chip' every few weeks or months...and then he'd relapse. It happened 3 or 4 times back in Jan. thru March - which is when he got real and entered detox. Of course the owner of the home where he rented the room, was an older man who had an afternoon cocktail and would offer son one almost daily. That sure didn't help! I think he realized, "I need to get outta here if I wanna get sober."

They are two different people.

When you talk to an active addict, you aren't talking to the addict.

My son has been so much nicer, even kind while he has been in this sober treatment. It just confirms that all that nastiness, disrespect from him during these past 9 'using' years, was from just that - using.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

He is missing one simple truth; he is a drug addict. There is no cure for that. Even if he is sober for 30 years, he is STILL an addict. It is a disease that requires continued treatment, and vigilance. We can choose how we let it effect our lives, though. I could go out right now, this minute, and get high. It would be fairly simple. A lot easier than NOT using drugs, certainly. Our addiction is a part of who we are, and we can't change that. What we can control is how we allow it to effect us.

 

[GoingNorth]

This is true, Darkwing. Even my mother, who has been sober for many years, and does very occasionally drink a glass of wine (out for dinner for an "occasion", or for a holiday meal.) will occasionally have a bad day where she has to avoid triggers.

She's to the point where she knows her addiction so well, that she can tell WHEN she's succeptible to being triggered. AND, she does not keep alcohol in the house. Whatever is leftover after the fancy meal is poured down the drain.