My son relapsed

[New Leaf]

Many of you know my story. We have planned to move back to Chicago due to my husband's job. We have been living on the Gulf Coast of Alabama for 4 years this month due to my job. My son joined us right from his 13 month Christian rehab program that he successfully completed.

We had a few snags while he was back living with us but he was mainly working and going to college so we paid his phone and car insurance and he paid his car payment and helped around the house. We got to know him sober as an adult and we had a lot of good times.

He had really pushed for this move back as he missed Chicago. However a few months ago he stole my husband's Vyvanse and abused it. We told him to leave but he did turn things around. Then it happened again last month. He was using Vyvanse (which is a stimulant used for ADD) and gamed and lost his job due to attendance. He also somehow got Xanax from his doctor and then went on to abuse that until it was gone. We found out yesterday that he did NOT finish his last class so will not graduate this week with his associates degree. He is sober now again but the damage is catching up with him.

He said he feels shame and guilt and that somehow it "got him". He expected us to follow through with plan of living with us for a few months in Chicago until he found a job.

His latest behavior changed everything. We now told him that he can never live with us again and he has to be on his own. He will be 27 next month but like many users, isn't really 27 mentally; probably 24 at most. He was very upset but is starting to accept it. He is very sad and does not want to be alone, but WE want peace and want to focus on OURSELVES. We are both 61 and sick of dealing with his issues or knowing every move he makes as you do when they live with you. It is time for him to leave the nest.

We have told him we'd pay for an apartment/hotel for a week while he finds work and his dad will help him find an apartment at that time. We have some furniture and things for him also. We told him many parents would not help him at all for all he's done to us.

He is actually leaving Alabama by himself on Wednesday to go to a job interview at Amazon (near our new home) on Friday. We are leaving to drive back to Chicago on Friday.

We will not let him live with us. It is time for him to fend for himself. This is very hard on us but we feel that this is the time for this to happen based on his behaviors. He did say that he was stressed about move and graduating etc. and it was a trigger. But instead of using skills he has certainly acquired or talking to us about his feelings, he used. Consequences right?

I am very sad.

RN, I am so very sorry to learn of your sons relapse. I haven’t been here for quite some time again, life has thrown some challenges our way and I have been kept very busy. I opened up my email this morning and saw your post. What a difficult heart and gut wrenching thing for you to experience again.
I can hardly believe that your son is 27, where have the years gone?
You and your husband have been so supportive throughout the years, helped your son through his time of using to find rehab and helped him in his recovery. I am hoping that he will recognize this, and turn his life back around again towards his true potential. I believe you are giving him the opportunity to do that by your decision to have him move out. It is a hard pivot for sure, one that was driven by his own choices, but also by your love for him. I have a quote that helps me through the waves of sadness I get about my two wayward daughters and the rift using drugs has caused between us. “ I love you too much to allow you to take advantage of me.”
Our adult children are capable of living productive lives, we have given them the tools to do that. One of the most important lessons is knowing how to look after ourselves, physically, mentally and spiritually. I believe you are modeling that by having your son move out. It is time for you and your husband to enjoy one another’s company and live in peace. I know this is hard, but also know that there is help out there for our adult children other than over relying on their parents. I believe after time, we become easy targets. That is not how relationships work. I am writing this as much for myself as to you. We have different situations but I do have my moments when I feel sad over decisions I have made regarding interactions (or not) between myself and my daughters. But then I remind myself of the road I have been on and the harsh reality of having actively using addicted love ones.
It is a tough journey, that is for sure.
But, our lives do matter. Peace matters.
Stay strong and take care!
Love and (((hugs)))
Leaf

 

[newstart]

Many of you know my story. We have planned to move back to Chicago due to my husband's job. We have been living on the Gulf Coast of Alabama for 4 years this month due to my job. My son joined us right from his 13 month Christian rehab program that he successfully completed.

We had a few snags while he was back living with us but he was mainly working and going to college so we paid his phone and car insurance and he paid his car payment and helped around the house. We got to know him sober as an adult and we had a lot of good times.

He had really pushed for this move back as he missed Chicago. However a few months ago he stole my husband's Vyvanse and abused it. We told him to leave but he did turn things around. Then it happened again last month. He was using Vyvanse (which is a stimulant used for ADD) and gamed and lost his job due to attendance. He also somehow got Xanax from his doctor and then went on to abuse that until it was gone. We found out yesterday that he did NOT finish his last class so will not graduate this week with his associates degree. He is sober now again but the damage is catching up with him.

He said he feels shame and guilt and that somehow it "got him". He expected us to follow through with plan of living with us for a few months in Chicago until he found a job.

His latest behavior changed everything. We now told him that he can never live with us again and he has to be on his own. He will be 27 next month but like many users, isn't really 27 mentally; probably 24 at most. He was very upset but is starting to accept it. He is very sad and does not want to be alone, but WE want peace and want to focus on OURSELVES. We are both 61 and sick of dealing with his issues or knowing every move he makes as you do when they live with you. It is time for him to leave the nest.

We have told him we'd pay for an apartment/hotel for a week while he finds work and his dad will help him find an apartment at that time. We have some furniture and things for him also. We told him many parents would not help him at all for all he's done to us.

He is actually leaving Alabama by himself on Wednesday to go to a job interview at Amazon (near our new home) on Friday. We are leaving to drive back to Chicago on Friday.

We will not let him live with us. It is time for him to fend for himself. This is very hard on us but we feel that this is the time for this to happen based on his behaviors. He did say that he was stressed about move and graduating etc. and it was a trigger. But instead of using skills he has certainly acquired or talking to us about his feelings, he used. Consequences right?

I am very sad.

Dearest RN, I am praying for your sadness and deepest prayers that your son will get right back on track, a track that actually builds God's kingdom. Please Holy Ghost fill your son with your love and light and guide him back to which is right, good and Holy. Amen

 

[newstart]

Many of you know my story. We have planned to move back to Chicago due to my husband's job. We have been living on the Gulf Coast of Alabama for 4 years this month due to my job. My son joined us right from his 13 month Christian rehab program that he successfully completed.

We had a few snags while he was back living with us but he was mainly working and going to college so we paid his phone and car insurance and he paid his car payment and helped around the house. We got to know him sober as an adult and we had a lot of good times.

He had really pushed for this move back as he missed Chicago. However a few months ago he stole my husband's Vyvanse and abused it. We told him to leave but he did turn things around. Then it happened again last month. He was using Vyvanse (which is a stimulant used for ADD) and gamed and lost his job due to attendance. He also somehow got Xanax from his doctor and then went on to abuse that until it was gone. We found out yesterday that he did NOT finish his last class so will not graduate this week with his associates degree. He is sober now again but the damage is catching up with him.

He said he feels shame and guilt and that somehow it "got him". He expected us to follow through with plan of living with us for a few months in Chicago until he found a job.

His latest behavior changed everything. We now told him that he can never live with us again and he has to be on his own. He will be 27 next month but like many users, isn't really 27 mentally; probably 24 at most. He was very upset but is starting to accept it. He is very sad and does not want to be alone, but WE want peace and want to focus on OURSELVES. We are both 61 and sick of dealing with his issues or knowing every move he makes as you do when they live with you. It is time for him to leave the nest.

We have told him we'd pay for an apartment/hotel for a week while he finds work and his dad will help him find an apartment at that time. We have some furniture and things for him also. We told him many parents would not help him at all for all he's done to us.

He is actually leaving Alabama by himself on Wednesday to go to a job interview at Amazon (near our new home) on Friday. We are leaving to drive back to Chicago on Friday.

We will not let him live with us. It is time for him to fend for himself. This is very hard on us but we feel that this is the time for this to happen based on his behaviors. He did say that he was stressed about move and graduating etc. and it was a trigger. But instead of using skills he has certainly acquired or talking to us about his feelings, he used. Consequences right?

I am very sad.

RN, Just read your post. Asking the Holy Ghost to wrap all around you and your family and restore you back to the peace you know can be there. Deepest prayers that your son gets back on track as soon as possible and knows how important it is stay on track. I send you much love, understanding and compassion. It's so hard when they go off track and my love is all around you.

 

[RN0441]

Thank you all so much for your kind words of encouragement and prayers. I appreciate it all from the bottom of my heart.

So a bit of an update. I have not been here for a few weeks due to our move to Chicagoland. We have safety settled in and are going through boxes. I am not sure how we accumulated so much "stuff" in 4 years of living in Alabama!!

We are both exhausted but starting to "dig out". I'm working remotely now for my company for at least three months and hopefully longer. Husband starts new job in September but is still with current employer until the end of this month.

So as for our son. He got here a few days before us and found a job at Amazon and started today. It is 25 hours per week but supposedly you can work more hours. The pay is very good.

He also had a great interview at Menards (similar to Home Depot) and is waiting to hear back. The store manager liked him a lot and was waiting for the HR lady to get back from vacation. I think he's more suited to Amazon with his IT background even though it's warehouse work - it's very high tech and I think he'll like it.

There is a major apartment shortage here. He and his dad did find something for an October move in so he is back with us until then. The apartment hotel he was staying at was much too expensive. I do think that he has been humbled by this experience. He has been very helpful in this move organizing our home due to his age and strength. We were just lucky to find this apartment. We will have to supplement him for a while but after that he's on his own. We are all looking forward to his October 10 move out date.

Of course I worry that he will get anxiety medications when he gets insurance again but if so that is on him. There is nothing I can do at this point but hope and pray he makes the right decisions. We are ready to be empty nesters!!

 

[Copabanana]

We are ready to be empty nesters!!

Hi RN

Are you back in the house where you lived before the move to the South? How does it feel? Has it been four years? I forget.

Everything sounds great! I hope you can work at home ongoing. I am praying for the best for your son. It all sounds exciting for him, with opportunities opening up job-wise, the apartment, having his parents nearby, and starting to really live independently and drug-free.

If we know one thing from our time here is that we have zero control beyond the tip of our noses. Your son has had a lot of experience and learning in these years. You gave him the great opportunity to have support and backup as he practiced being an adult, after achieving sobriety. There is no other healthy and realistic option except to encourage his freedom, so that he can continue expanding and growing, gaining muscle and discernment, to live and choose well.

 

[Ascending]

Sounds like lots of excellent progress!!!

 

[RN0441]

Hi

We are in a town a few blocks from my son and his wife. It is not the town we lived in immediately before Alabama move four years ago, but we did live here for 12 years when our youngest was born.

He had his first day of work yesterday and seemed good with it. Mainly just orientation. He said after 30 days he can request more hours so would like to see where this goes. They give benefits and have other incentives so could be good for him. He will not work with the public which he likes due to his anxiety. He also said he is NOT currently looking for a girlfriend. He jokingly said to me yesterday "someday I'm gonna get it right". It meant a lot to me that he said that and I hope the someday is "now".

We celebrated our 30th anniversary yesterday and are leaving for Florida tomorrow for five days. Very excited to get away. House is still not in full order but good enough for now!

God bless!

 

[Crayola13]

I hope he likes the new job. I’ve heard Amazon can be hard on their employees. They’re expected to move fast and always be on top of things. I would imagine they offer a good insurance plan. Enjoy your trip.

 

[Deni D]

RN, I'm so happy to hear things have calmed down a bit. I know not enough, but somewhat. I have to say he's been pretty quick to get back to the business of his life. I have no doubt it will still be rocky but it's so so much different than my experience. I'm kind of proud of him .

 

[Copabanana]

Did he get the Menards job? Have fun in Florida.

 

[RN0441]

Hi and thanks.

He did not hear back from Menards which is odd because he thought he had that one. Anyhow he is doing fine at Amazon and seems to like the fast pace. He is only on for 20 hours per week now but after 30 days can request more. Pay is good and 30 hours plus gives you fantastic benefits including 100% college reimbursement. Maybe he can get some IT certifications which can aid him in getting an IT job - even at Amazon.

He said he is taking "one day at a time" and although we are DYING for him to work full time we are trying to be patient. He is TRYING to do right. He will be in apartment October 10 and we are planning to give him bare minimum to get by. I'm sure he'll be over "shopping in our pantry" which is fine. I worry about him being alone but he will have to do that at some point to grow up and grow as a person/man.

I am proud of him too because I know he struggles with his addictions but he is human as we all are and I have to try to keep my anger at bay. However it is hard for me to get too close because when he fails my pain is so traumatizing that I can barely survive - I'm sure you all can relate.

Right now I am thanking God for all the good in my life and praying that he gives my son the strength to stay on the right track. When he goes off it is just devastating to his life and how far he has moved in the right direction.

 

[Crayola13]

Hopefully he can find some type of hobby to keep himself occupied after work. Too much idle time is the downfall of many people in recovery. Boredom leads to depression and makes the mind think about bad things.

 

[RN0441]

Hopefully he can find some type of hobby to keep himself occupied after work. Too much idle time is the downfall of many people in recovery. Boredom leads to depression and makes the mind think about bad things.

Yes I agree. He likes to game but I think that is bad too because people become addicted to it and it is isolating. His new apartment that he moves into in October has a lot of activities so I am hoping and praying he partakes in some of these things.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear RN

The Amazon job sounds great. I am doing my share of buying to help the cause. I think 20 hours a week is great while he gets adjusted for the first month to many changes. Is he staying at your new house until the apartment is ready in October? When I think of working at Amazon I think of the warehouses where there are a lot of people. When I think of IT I think of it as solitary. Of course, your son will decide the direction he will go but for right now if he is around a lot of people, isn't that a good thing?

 

[RN0441]

Hi Copa
He works with a crew at Amazon but not the public which he likes. He actually is picking up another shift Sunday that pays $19 per hour. He really needs full time for benefits but I am trying to remain quiet and let him do it his way. Yes he is with us now until October 10.

 

[JMom]

Hey RN,

I will pray for your son to get a job at Amazon. or wherever gives him stability. I am proud to see you stick to your boundaries amidst the pain. He will be ok, he has a lot to lose and even more to gain. I think he will be successful because you have given him a jumping-off point. He is already feeling the consequences of his relapse, which offers room for growth. We all have stories where our failures made our success so much sweeter. Giving you virtual hugs!
xoxo
JMOM