RN, I am so very sorry to learn of your sons relapse. I haven’t been here for quite some time again, life has thrown some challenges our way and I have been kept very busy. I opened up my email this morning and saw your post. What a difficult heart and gut wrenching thing for you to experience again.Many of you know my story. We have planned to move back to Chicago due to my husband's job. We have been living on the Gulf Coast of Alabama for 4 years this month due to my job. My son joined us right from his 13 month Christian rehab program that he successfully completed.
We had a few snags while he was back living with us but he was mainly working and going to college so we paid his phone and car insurance and he paid his car payment and helped around the house. We got to know him sober as an adult and we had a lot of good times.
He had really pushed for this move back as he missed Chicago. However a few months ago he stole my husband's Vyvanse and abused it. We told him to leave but he did turn things around. Then it happened again last month. He was using Vyvanse (which is a stimulant used for ADD) and gamed and lost his job due to attendance. He also somehow got Xanax from his doctor and then went on to abuse that until it was gone. We found out yesterday that he did NOT finish his last class so will not graduate this week with his associates degree. He is sober now again but the damage is catching up with him.
He said he feels shame and guilt and that somehow it "got him". He expected us to follow through with plan of living with us for a few months in Chicago until he found a job.
His latest behavior changed everything. We now told him that he can never live with us again and he has to be on his own. He will be 27 next month but like many users, isn't really 27 mentally; probably 24 at most. He was very upset but is starting to accept it. He is very sad and does not want to be alone, but WE want peace and want to focus on OURSELVES. We are both 61 and sick of dealing with his issues or knowing every move he makes as you do when they live with you. It is time for him to leave the nest.
We have told him we'd pay for an apartment/hotel for a week while he finds work and his dad will help him find an apartment at that time. We have some furniture and things for him also. We told him many parents would not help him at all for all he's done to us.
He is actually leaving Alabama by himself on Wednesday to go to a job interview at Amazon (near our new home) on Friday. We are leaving to drive back to Chicago on Friday.
We will not let him live with us. It is time for him to fend for himself. This is very hard on us but we feel that this is the time for this to happen based on his behaviors. He did say that he was stressed about move and graduating etc. and it was a trigger. But instead of using skills he has certainly acquired or talking to us about his feelings, he used. Consequences right?
I am very sad.
I can hardly believe that your son is 27, where have the years gone?
You and your husband have been so supportive throughout the years, helped your son through his time of using to find rehab and helped him in his recovery. I am hoping that he will recognize this, and turn his life back around again towards his true potential. I believe you are giving him the opportunity to do that by your decision to have him move out. It is a hard pivot for sure, one that was driven by his own choices, but also by your love for him. I have a quote that helps me through the waves of sadness I get about my two wayward daughters and the rift using drugs has caused between us. “ I love you too much to allow you to take advantage of me.”
Our adult children are capable of living productive lives, we have given them the tools to do that. One of the most important lessons is knowing how to look after ourselves, physically, mentally and spiritually. I believe you are modeling that by having your son move out. It is time for you and your husband to enjoy one another’s company and live in peace. I know this is hard, but also know that there is help out there for our adult children other than over relying on their parents. I believe after time, we become easy targets. That is not how relationships work. I am writing this as much for myself as to you. We have different situations but I do have my moments when I feel sad over decisions I have made regarding interactions (or not) between myself and my daughters. But then I remind myself of the road I have been on and the harsh reality of having actively using addicted love ones.
It is a tough journey, that is for sure.
But, our lives do matter. Peace matters.
Stay strong and take care!
Love and (((hugs)))