Nana, daddy hit mommy

[Hound dog]

That is how Aubrey greeted me this evening when Nichole brought her home and she crawled up into my lap. There was no Mommy hit Daddy. Just Daddy hit Mommy....she kept saying it over and over again.

Nichole was clearly upset and trying very hard not to cry.

But she said nothing. Although I let her know that Aubrey told on her daddy.

Nichole gave Aubrey a late supper and put her to bed. boyfriend called a while after that on his cell phone. Nichole hung up on him. Since he was on his cell he was parked in the alley which is right next to our driveway. She eventually went out to "talk" to him.

I was attempting to watch tv since it was storming and I couldn't be on here. But I got bits and pieces as it wafted thru the open window. Same old same old on boyfriend's part. Nichole is mental because she won't admit he's right. blah blah

I don't really know what the fight is about this time. But right before it got quiet boyfriend was telling her not to come over and she told him she'd be packing the baby's things. He told her tomorrow, she said no cuz she's job hunting and apartment hunting tomorrow.

I dunno what's what. He left. I don't know if she got in the car with him. But I didn't hear her car. And I just checked and her car is still here.

This is really awful, but I'm glad they took the fight over there. (evil snicker) I didn't want to have to call the cops which neither kid knew it but I'd dialed half of the number just as it had got quiet.

I meant what I said a year ago when I told boyfriend I wasn't having the drama routine over here. He may be arguing with my kid, but it's my property and I'll have him removed. What his parents choose to do is their business and their problem.

I don't see how she stands it. Truly I don't. I'd have bailed on someone like that ages ago. As difficult child as her dad is he would no more than attempt the carp this kid does than the man on the moon. He knows the door would be kicking him in the arse as I tossed him out it.

She knows he manipulates. She knows he messes with her mind so he can be in "control". It drives her over the edge. Although she is still handling it as an adult and not the way she used to. She tells him exactly what he's up to........yet for some reason can't seem to get the umph need to just end it already.

I know I can't give her that umph. If I could I'd have pushed her over it already. lol

But if I can get her to listen, or even sit still long enough, it's time we have a serious mother/daughter talk. This has got to stop. Aubrey does NOT make up stories. She tells the utter blunt truth. So I now know for a fact that boyfriend hits Nichole. Something I've suspected for years. Somehow if Nichole can't make the break for herself she has to be made to see how important it is for Aubrey. And not to mention I can just see the ramifications of Daddy hit Mommy when she tells the day care teacher!

I hope this time I can find the right things to say.

 

[Jena]

Lisa

i'm so sorry that is so hard to deal with. i cant' imagine what you must be feeling in your gut right now.

I agree with you it's time you spoke to her again, yet as we unfortunately know until she herself is ready she wont' leave the situation. I think though, maybe now with it fresh and the little one saying what she did is just the right timing for the talk. Maybe hearing that her daughter said this will snap her into reality mode a bit.

I'm not sure there is ever a "right" way to handle a talk like that, just talk from your heart as i'm sure you do hopefully she will hear you.

sending you and that little cutie alot of hugs!!!!

Let us know how it goes...

 

[Jena]

wait, maybe asking her do you want your child to be in a relationship like yours someday?? that may make an impact possibly.

good luck!!!!

 

[ThreeShadows]

Lisa, I'm so sorry that your child is being hurt and her child is witnessing it. I wish we could protect our kids from this pain. Big hugs from MD.

 

[everywoman]

Hugs Daisy. Hopefully Nicole heard what Aubrey told you. Maybe that will be enough to help her see how damaging this relationship is to her and Aubrey. I know it is hard to leave a relationship---especially as long as they have been together and because they share a child, but...I never liked him...you've said enough over the years to paint a picture of a serious abuser. Nicole needs to understand that the abuse will not stop with her; he will move on to Aubrey when she gets old enough to "talk back." Hopefully, she will listen. Could you pick up some literature from a DV shelter and leave it in sight?

 

[Hound dog]

Nichole is currently denying boyfriend hit her. I'm not surprised. But it's not a good sign I'm going to be able to get thru to her how abusive this relationship is. I haven't had a chance to speak with her yet. But it seems boyfriend turned on the charm once Nichole started packing the baby's things. sigh

I've tried the DV liturature (can't spell tonight lol) many times. So did her psychiatrist while Nichole was still seeing her. Neither psychiatrist nor I have been able to convince Nichole boyfriend is abusive. All those mind games I suppose have taken their toll. Even when she knows she is not to blame, he always manages to convince her it's her fault.

God help the kid I ever see him lay a hand on her. I've warned him once that he will not walk away from me. I won't call the cops. I'll beat the living daylights outta him. Actually I'm steaming enough tonight to almost wish him to just give me the opportunity. If he thinks Nichole has a violent temper, he ain't messed with her Momma yet.

I will try talking with her again. Maybe easy child can help me with it, I dunno. It's something she has to "get" on her own. And I've got to be careful I don't make her start defending the jerk again.

I just hope my gut instincts are right and he won't move into an apartment with her.

 

[jbrain]

Oh Lisa,
I'm so sorry for all this carp, sounds like you are handling it well though! I'm sorry it isn't as easy as talking some sense into your difficult child, wish things worked like on a tv show!

My difficult child's boyfriend threw a table at her while she was holding her little baby. She called her caseworker who came and got her and the baby and moved them into a shelter. That was in January and she says she has had no contact with him since then but I wouldn't be that surprised to hear they were back together despite all her talk about how that was the final straw for her.

Thinking of you,
Jane

 

[rejectedmom]

It does sound like CPS will be called in at some time in the future. I hope Nichole wises lup before that though. Hugs to you.

 

[lovemysons]

I agree with rejectedmom, sounds like cps may get involved at some especially since Aubrey is stating that "daddy hit mommy"...very sad. I'm so sorry this is happening and hoping that Nichole wakes up soon.

With love and care,
Tammy

 

[hearts and roses]

In your zeal to make Nichole tell you the truth, do you think that kind of pressure would ever make her tell Aubrey not to tell you such things in the future?

Just something that popped into my mind as I was reading through the posts. While I think it's important for you to help Nichole understand the ramifications of her daughter witnessing this kind of abuse between her mommy and daddy, I don't know that pressing her to 'tell you the truth' is all that necessary just yet. It may only make Nichole dig in her heels further and pull away, protect boyfriend.

I know that with my difficult child's history, it is very easy for a boyfriend to convince her that she is the crazy one, that she's the one with the mental problems and that everything that goes wrong is somehow her fault...I am thinking of Monkeyboy here as he seemed to have the greatest hold over difficult child and he was a way worse difficult child that she ever was. He still tries to manipulate her on facebook but she won't block him. She tells me that even though she doesn't love him or want to be with him anymore, he was an important person in her life (gag me!), so she won't not let him post to her facebook. He leaves her the most insulting and hurtful comments, but in what appears to be a funny or silly way. I seem to be the only one who sees his true intention - to undermine her, make her second guess herself, and make her feel bad about herself. Ugh. These guys really stink.

Like you, I would be so angry and violent that he'd be wishing the police would intervene! There is no way they could deliver the message any stronger than I would, Lisa. Any chance you could hire a goon to take care of the little pisher?

Holding a good thought that you're able to get through to Nichole this time round. Hugs to Aubrey.

 

[lizanne2]

Well, a tough spot for you. And everyone. My advice for what it might be worth.....you can call the DV hotline for you. And if its good hotline you will not have to identify yourself. And ask them what you can say and what you should do......

And, if you don't like the person you are talking to...shifts change.

And give Nichole the number to the hotline............then it can be a private and personal choice for her. And she can call an hang up several times...she can just say hi....


Also, one piece of advice. I am not sure this is appropriate or necessary.......
Make sure Nichole has packed with you or a neighbor or a friend...the important papers, keys to her car, id, rxes and some people suggest a day of clothes together so if she does decide to walk she doen't have to return to his house.

I know, I am preaching.......but it is a been there done that thing with me! She is lucky to have your support.

PM if you need to talk.

 

[susiestar]

I am so sorry. I know there were signs of abuse before this but they were not things that Aubrey verbalized. I cannot imagine how devastating it would be to hear them out of your child's mouth, or even worse out of your grandchild's mouth about your child.

I hoep and pray this will be the wakeup call Nichole needs.

I know your current plan is that she has to get an apartment or whatever and move out in the next ?? months. With this confirmation about the abuse you might consider not pushing her out so soon. It owuld be rough on you with your classes. But at least she would nto be either living with him (at his constant mercy or lack thereof) or in a place of her own where no one would know what happened if she was missing for a few days.

I hate suggesting that, but maybe until she is a bit stronger letting her stay at home would be an idea? Not forever, maybe just a semester?

Whatever you decide I support you 1000%.

Hugs for your hurting Mommy heart. And gentle hugs for Nichole and aubrey.

Could you make attending therapy at the DV shelter part of her "rent" for staying at home a while longer?

 

[Star*]

http://www.domesticviolence.org/

LOTS of good "WHY"?????? information on the side lines -

Cycle of Violence
Why they hit
HOW to plan


I think Susie*'s idea is and excellent incentive....

 

[DammitJanet]

I dont see how Nicole could keep Aubrey quiet on what she tells grandma. 3 year olds just arent that pliable. They seem to be lil truth machines...lol. Keyana made Cory call us one night to "tell" on Mandy because she broke the radio. "Papa Mandy bwoke the wadio." "She did? How did she do that?" "She twipped oer the cwored and it fwell down"

LOL....our lil tattletale.

If things really go on in front of Aubrey, then she is going to tell them to everyone she comes in contact with...at home, at school...everywhere. She will start saying it to strangers in the grocery store. Even moreso if Nichole starts telling her she shouldnt tell.

 

[Star*]

http://www.ncdsv.org/images/20ReasonsWhySheStays.pdf

How to help someone leave an absuive situation.

 

[flutterby]

I've said it before: Nichole's relationship with D reminds me so much of my relationship with K, easy child's dad.

He's was always telling me I was crazy, had multiple personalities, that I shouldn't feel whatever it is that I feel, that no one else would ever want me or put up with me, that no one wants to hear my 'stupid' stories from when I lived in Ohio (I was living in Georgia then). I could go on for hours.

Even after I left him, it took years to rebuild what he had torn down in me.

And just like K, D won't do anything in front of you. K was like that with my mom. He used to tell me that we were both B's and my mom was the queen. And K liked to try to tell people that *I* was the one that was crazy and violent. Just because *I* was the one wearing long sleeve shirts in the summer in Georgia to cover the bruises.....

Oh...this makes me so bleeping mad.

Let Nichole know that I have an ear and a shoulder should she ever need it.

((((hugs)))) to you both.

 

[Hound dog]

Janet, you're right. LOL I have no fear Aubrey won't tell me. Not at this age. I'm uber close to my grands. They'd tell me. Aubrey does to some degree also because it terrifies her and when her parents behave this way it's me she comes to in order to feel safe and protected.

Aubrey is still too young to convince not to tell, and if Nichole or boyfriend attempted to stress to her not telling......she'd tell me anyway simply because it would seem so important. Got to love that innocense. Heck, Darrin still tells on his parents when they get into spats. lol
Usually when she comes home she greets all the animals before coming to me. I should've know something was up because she crawled into my lap immediately.

I'm rethinking the moving out. Only problem is that it would make it convienient for her to stick it out with him because nothing would be changing. Her moving out wasn't purely for selfish reasons on my part. It's also important at this stage for her to realize she's quite capable of being independent. I'm also hoping she sees boyfriend is making no, absolutely no, contribution to moving in together. Nichole is doing all the work and he's even telling her he won't get a job because it will mess up his unemployment. I have serious doubt he has any intention of moving in with her. This jerk has a serious commitment phobia. And he doesn't want to leave Mommy and Daddy. I'm hoping the "moving out" process will further help her to see he is a mega loser in the relationship dept.

I don't need a goon to kick boyfriend's arse. Believe me. But sister in law would beat the tar outta him at my slightest whim. He may anyway if Aubrey tells her uncle that daddy hit mommy. The only reason he hasn't already is because I've asked him not to.

I spent a year working with a dv. I know the routine. Ours here isn't very good, not bad, but just not the greatest. It's overwhelmed. Nichole knows where the hotline number is and also where it's located due to K.

Thanks for the links. I'll look them over and see if I've forgotten anything. Heather, I'll tell her, thanks. I didn't pressure her last night at all. I never do. I just simply asked her if what Aubrey had told me was the truth, when she denied it I dropped it. I can read by her body language if she's open for discussion. She wasn't.

Thanks for the support.

Hugs

 

[Star*]

GOON?

Um.......NANNIE - Daddy is walking on his elbows because Auntie Star shoved them up his.........ASK GRAMA how?

 

[1905]

It's a bad situation for Nicole, she deserves so much better! But Aubrey has been witnessing their ugliness since birth. For her sake, it has to end.

 

[CrazyinVA]

I am so sorry you're going through this.. I went through it with Youngest and her baby's father, and it about tore me apart. It's an incredibly helpless feeling when your child is being abused/controlled/emotionally beaten down. I learned to do my best to keep my mouth shut, as it pushed her closer to him.. except when it came to things that happened in my home. I ended up sending the boyfriend a certified letter, banning him from my property (Youngest was living with me at the time).

A book I read that was very enlightening was called "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft: http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

It was the best I have read about abusive men and controlling relationships. There is only a small section about families and how to help, but it was still an interesting read about the mind of an abusive, controlling man. I gave it to Youngest, and all she did was skim it, but I'd like to believe that it planted a seed, at least She did eventually stop dating the baby's father, although she still has to deal with him constantly.

HUGS.