Looking at it from a different perspective here- what was it you husband agreed to do if your daughter agreed to do? Hon, this isn't a situation where negotiations are appropriate. It's those negotiations and giving an inch that are diggin you and your family in deeper. You and husband are not looking at it that way because what you see is a problem at number 500- your daughter (right now) doesn't care if she has the raise the stakes to 5,000 if it gets her to give something on a five. I feel for you, but I honesty think this is still mainpulation and enabling- not intentional of course, but you are letting your fears and pain drive you and she's rolling over that.
I'm sure that hurts you and I truly am sorry. If it's any consolation, I am going thru a similar guilt trip with my son who I beleive has a good future thrown down the drain. It is hard, but sticking our heads in the sand and grasping at straws to justify giving them leeway while we see them blatantly getting worse is not the right answer, in my humble opinion. Think long and hard about what your dreams were that are so hard to give up on as compared to what she wants, as shown by her actions, for her own life.en't one in the same. Your actions need to be dealing with her actions, not your dreams.