Need advice, regarding my 19 year old who smokes pot
- Thread starter David645
- Start date
TL, Thanks for the advice. If my son chooses drugs over school, he'll probably just continue using. However, he would be required to get a job to support his habit, since his mom and I won't. I fully understand I can't make him stop using drugs. It's something he'll have to do on his own and hopefully, sooner than later.
I have wrestled with the option of continuing to pay for his college tuition, books and dorm room directly. However, I may require him to get a part time job, in order to pay for his meals, gas and laundry, since I can't pay for those directly. He does have a credit card we had funded, but I'm thinking that may be a mistake as well.
by the way, about a month ago, he sold one of his prized guitars for $450.00 and claimed he needed the money to buy Christmas presents and to repay his mom for a loan she gave him. Needless to say, NONE of the money went toward Christmas and to repay his mom. It promptly disappeared, probably on drugs.
Any additional thoughts are appreciated, as I work toward solidifying the final option(s).
I have wrestled with the option of continuing to pay for his college tuition, books and dorm room directly. However, I may require him to get a part time job, in order to pay for his meals, gas and laundry, since I can't pay for those directly. He does have a credit card we had funded, but I'm thinking that may be a mistake as well.
by the way, about a month ago, he sold one of his prized guitars for $450.00 and claimed he needed the money to buy Christmas presents and to repay his mom for a loan she gave him. Needless to say, NONE of the money went toward Christmas and to repay his mom. It promptly disappeared, probably on drugs.
Any additional thoughts are appreciated, as I work toward solidifying the final option(s).
T
toughlovin
Guest
David,
Don't they have some kind of meal plan in the dorm? I would hope they do? If not you can get gift cards at grocery stores which I do not think can be turned in for cash. This is what we are doing for my son at the sober house he is been at. I also got him a Sears gift card for Xmas which he can use for clothes etc. Of course right now he has been in a sober house and is working on sobriety so I am a little more willing to help him out. I do think asking him to get part time work to pay for gas, laundry etc is both reasonable and a good idea. If he is busy with a job that is less idle time.... and the selling the guitar and not following through on Christmas gifts is not a good sign. That is a sign that drugs are pretty important to him.
My son has also sold several things for drug money...
TL
Don't they have some kind of meal plan in the dorm? I would hope they do? If not you can get gift cards at grocery stores which I do not think can be turned in for cash. This is what we are doing for my son at the sober house he is been at. I also got him a Sears gift card for Xmas which he can use for clothes etc. Of course right now he has been in a sober house and is working on sobriety so I am a little more willing to help him out. I do think asking him to get part time work to pay for gas, laundry etc is both reasonable and a good idea. If he is busy with a job that is less idle time.... and the selling the guitar and not following through on Christmas gifts is not a good sign. That is a sign that drugs are pretty important to him.
My son has also sold several things for drug money...
TL
TL,
Yes, the college does provide a meal plan that I can pay for directly. However, unless he only eats in the cafeteria (which he won't do) the meal plan is limited at the other restaurants, whereby, I would need to put money on his College ID card to fund the difference of the cost of the meal. I had heard that somehow students that use drugs have actually used the ID card money to negotiate the purchase of drugs...not sure if this is true or not. However, I do agree, that if we must give him money it should be in the form of a gift/credit card only.
A part time job is exactly what he needs, if he's going to stay in school. He's only taking around 12 hours this year and has plenty of time to get into trouble...drugs.
Yes, the college does provide a meal plan that I can pay for directly. However, unless he only eats in the cafeteria (which he won't do) the meal plan is limited at the other restaurants, whereby, I would need to put money on his College ID card to fund the difference of the cost of the meal. I had heard that somehow students that use drugs have actually used the ID card money to negotiate the purchase of drugs...not sure if this is true or not. However, I do agree, that if we must give him money it should be in the form of a gift/credit card only.
A part time job is exactly what he needs, if he's going to stay in school. He's only taking around 12 hours this year and has plenty of time to get into trouble...drugs.
buddy
New Member
I worked my way through school and agree that is a good thing to do...not full time of course if that can be helped (though many do it and do well). I get he may not WANT to eat in the cafeteria, but in my opinion... no problem forcing him to eat in a cafeteria. I had to. It was just part of college. If I wanted other food I had to buy it on my own. Just a thought.
exhausted
Active Member
Hi David and welcome. You have gotten some good advise. My experience with drug tests is also that they are useless-especially pot. My daughter beat them regularly at age 14. I wonder about the hair test? I do know that the stuff stays in their system 28 days. They took her blood once in the emergency room to test-I dont know if that is a standard thing or what. This pot issue is a tough one because today's pot is so different. We were told at Residential Treatment Center (RTC) it is often laced with coccaine and more addicting drugs. I am sure mine is still using. She now has a job so she has money to buy it. She too is refusing antidepressants. All we can do is to not enable (I think your plan to give no cash is good-we haven't, but it may not stop them getting it), seek advise, go to 12 step meetings if that helps. Mine knows that she will not be living in our home at 18 if she will not follow rules, which includes no illegal activity. Not looking forward to next September! Hang in there.
T
toughlovin
Guest
David... I think funding a meal plan and saying that is what you are willing to pay for is fine. If he wants to eat elsewhere then let him do it via a job. It may not be as nice as being able to eat at a bunch of places with an ID card but that is the price he pays becuase of his drug use.
Buddy as far as gift cards. I checked with Sears and if he returns something it is only for store credit so no he can't get cash...but as someone here pointed out he could sell a gift card for less than it is worth to get cash. So that is a risk with gift cards.... I decided for Xmas, given that he is now in a sober house, I would take that chance.
My dad has agreed to give him an inexpensive bike because he is going to need some transportation... a scooter (which is what he would really like we are not going to do) but we figured a bike (not an expensive one) is a good Xmas present. However we are going to pay for that directly.... ie I will call the place and somehow do it on a credit card.
TL
Buddy as far as gift cards. I checked with Sears and if he returns something it is only for store credit so no he can't get cash...but as someone here pointed out he could sell a gift card for less than it is worth to get cash. So that is a risk with gift cards.... I decided for Xmas, given that he is now in a sober house, I would take that chance.
My dad has agreed to give him an inexpensive bike because he is going to need some transportation... a scooter (which is what he would really like we are not going to do) but we figured a bike (not an expensive one) is a good Xmas present. However we are going to pay for that directly.... ie I will call the place and somehow do it on a credit card.
TL
Selling his expensive guitar is not good. When I look back on all the things difficult child sold or gave away for either alcohol or pot it makes me sick. When she got sober and finally confessed to many of the things she did we wondered how that all could have gone on without us knowing. We thought we knew almost everything but there was so much more. And as I listen to other addicts in the AA meetings now it's all the same story. What we think should be important to them just isn't. The only thing important is where the next high is coming from.
Nancy
Nancy
Thank you everyone for the advice...it's been very helpful and I'm sure I'll need more as we go along. Here's what I'm seriously considering telling him, so far:
I will only pay for his college tuition, dorm room, books and a 10 meal/week plan. He's required to get a part time job for gas, car washes, laundry, haircuts, snacks, etc...No more money from dad and mom.
However, if his grades drop below a C average and/or he gets in trouble, including getting kicked out of school, then ALL of my support will stop for college and he's on his own.
I'm also going to strongly suggest that he continue weekly counseling for depression and/or get back on his anti-depressants.
I will only pay for his college tuition, dorm room, books and a 10 meal/week plan. He's required to get a part time job for gas, car washes, laundry, haircuts, snacks, etc...No more money from dad and mom.
However, if his grades drop below a C average and/or he gets in trouble, including getting kicked out of school, then ALL of my support will stop for college and he's on his own.
I'm also going to strongly suggest that he continue weekly counseling for depression and/or get back on his anti-depressants.
T
toughlovin
Guest
David. I think that sounds like an excellent plan. You might want to think ahead about what you are willing to do if he ends up dropping out and being on his own... and certainly come to us if that happens. Several of us have also been in that scenario. We always took the stand that we will help you help yourself... and in recent months that has been really important with my son. We have been willing to help pay for treatment and rent at a sober house... and we are paying money for food etc. at the sober house. I hope your son doesn't get to that point but wises up way before then but it may be worth thinking about now (but not discussing with him at this point).
I know when my son was on his own I also did take him grocery shopping several times... just because my mommy heart wanted him to eat.
It does get really hard to follow through when they are on their own and so young... which is why it is good to think about it now.
TL
I know when my son was on his own I also did take him grocery shopping several times... just because my mommy heart wanted him to eat.
It does get really hard to follow through when they are on their own and so young... which is why it is good to think about it now.
TL
My son shot himself today, but thankfully, didn't die. Also, thank God, the bullet missed all of his vital organs. He said he took several pills before he did it so he wouldn't care. He had gone through a bad breakup with his girlfriend recently and among other things, just didn't feel that life was worth living any longer.
He'll probably be getting out of the hospital this Tuesday and will be committed for treatment.
He'll probably be getting out of the hospital this Tuesday and will be committed for treatment.
T
toughlovin
Guest
David, i am so so sorry...that is a nightmare for you. I am so relieved he is physically going to be ok. Hopefully this will be his wake up call that he needs serious help. Clearly his issues are more than drug use, although the drug use makes evything much worse. My heart goes out to all of you and thank you for telling us.
TL
TL
rejectedmom
New Member
I am so sorry David, I am glad he is going to be ok and that he will be getting treatment. In no way is any of this your fault. Your son is troubled and using subsances that added to his depression. I am hoping that this is the turning point for him.
