Need Opinions on This Please

[DaisyFace]

It's sad how little self-respect most of our difficult children seem to have. Even those who seem to have awfully lot of grandiosity. And how easily they can be used by others.

You are not kidding on this! It amazes me that difficult child is such a "big talker" at home - demanding the utmost respect and making all kinds of bold statements about how she would handle herself in this or that situation (always heroically, of course!)...and yet, outside of the home she seems to lose all conscious thought in the presence of guys and will let them treat her like dirt and she acts like she is lucky to get the opportunity to interact with them at all!

 

[AnnieO]

Interestingly... As you know our daughters have a LOT in common...

2 years ago, the HS had busing. It was a rule that Onyxx ride 3 out of 5 days unless grounded, which made it 5. Friends could drive her the other days. Did we like this? No. Did we try to compromise? Yes. Eventually it came out that she rarely rode the bus at all, had sworn Jett to secrecy (they rode the same bus at the time). We never knew when she would get home. And she never asked permission or told us where she was going before leaving, either, which is why the day everything blew up in early June 2011 I'd thought she was in her room.

Fast forward to now - the JVS bus drops her at the HS at 2:30. Up till the last month, husband and I worked till 4:30. HS kids are no longer bused to/from at all. Guess who has walked home (4.5 miles) or waited for 4:50 for a ride from us? Yeah. because she can't find a ride now, more days than she can.

I'd tell her that she must be at your workplace by the time you normally leave or she can walk home - and if she is not there, or home when you arrive, she loses 1 day of whatever - 2nd offense 1 week - 3rd 1 month and/or police... And don't clock-watch and worry, you KNOW she is gonna do what she wants.

Re cigarettes... I'm pretty sure Onyxx is smoking again... Just nothing illegal. I give up on that. Just not around the baby.

 

[DaisyFace]

And don't clock-watch and worry, you KNOW she is gonna do what she wants.

Easier said than done....sigh...

 

[AnnieO]

Easier said than done....sigh...

Good point... But try!!!

 

[susiestar]

I haven't commented on this thread so far because I have been pondering it.

I would make it crystal clear that if she interferes with your job even if it is as little as hanging out in the parking lot making out and no one in the office could see her, that this arrangement is over. Why? This is your income. If you lose that income because you spend the end of the workday dealing with difficult child in difficult child-mode, then the entire family is in trouble. Protect your job even if it means that difficult child never sets foot on the property again. Unless you hate the job, in which case welcome her with open arms AFTER you have another job lined up.

Sometimes we get wrapped up in the difficult child problem that we forget to make sure that other parts of our lives are okay. it is important that you look at this from a big picture point of view. She needs t be on her best manners at all times around your and husband's coworkers', bosses, etc...

I can't imagine that she would be in a hurry to get home. If she knew I wouldn't be home for an hour or so, she'd stay out that whole time....if not longer.

​

This thought needs to be thought through, in my opinion. She is 17, clearly is interested in guys and sex, and has no place to have real privacy. EXCEPT when no one else is home, or her brother is home. She probably could bully and threaten to get your son to stay quiet. Think back to when you were a teen. If you were not dating, you knew kids who were. How many of them dn't want to be home unless a parent was there? How many of them skipped school or work or something so they could go have sex at home?

I could be off base, but if difficult child hasn't already figured out that it is relatively easy to bring a guy home for sex, then she will before too much time passes.

 

[DaisyFace]

I could be off base, but if difficult child hasn't already figured out that it is relatively easy to bring a guy home for sex, then she will before too much time passes.

Fortunately (or unfortunately depending upon your point-of-view) difficult child prefers hanging out with these guys anywhere but here. And she's not picky about where she "hooks up" with them. Indoors...outdoors...cars....back porches...parking lots....etc Of all the "stuff" she's done - I'm pretty sure that none of it has actually happened in a bedroom. Living room sofa - yes.

I have no illusions that she somehow needs to get to a bedroom for sex.

I would make it crystal clear that if she interferes with your job even if it is as little as hanging out in the parking lot making out and no one in the office could see her, that this arrangement is over. Why? This is your income. If you lose that income because you spend the end of the workday dealing with difficult child in difficult child-mode, then the entire family is in trouble. Protect your job even if it means that difficult child never sets foot on the property again. Unless you hate the job, in which case welcome her with open arms AFTER you have another job lined up.

You make a really good point here - I hadn't thought of it this way....

 

[TerryJ2]

So sorry I've neglected this thread. You've gotten some good ideas ... and so have I!
Fingers crossed that she can toe the line. I completely understand how you feel, and the dilemma she creates.
Many hugs. Wish I had some ideas.

 

[buddy]

Wow DF, you have such dilemas. My sister just caught my God daughter having parties at her dad's house and all that comes with it.....not her first offense (one or two biggies in the last two years ).....even if its more on the typical teen end it is crazy making. I often think of your posts when she tells me this stuff. I think of how strong you are. Pretty scary stuff. The advice is so interesting. I really learn from all of you.

 

[DaisyFace]

I think of how strong you are. Pretty scary stuff.

Thanks, Buddy - this means a lot.

I don't think of myself as a strong person at all....but I do try to do the best I can. Thank you.