MissLulu
Well-Known Member
I'm not in a great headspace right now.
Despite having done a lot of work to detach myself from my son's dramas, every so often I find myself triggered by something he says or does and then I spiral back down into depression.
Just a brief catch up for those who are new (or need a reminder): my 24 year old son has moved out of our house (3 months ago now). We have had multiple problems with him over the years, mainly stemming from mental health problems (medically diagnosed depression and anxiety). I strongly believe he has further mental health/personality issues (possible bi-polar or Borderline (BPD)) but because he is an adult I'm not privy to his current diagnosis. He also has substance abuse issues (marijuana). He often has "meltdowns" which are not physically violent but he can be verbally abusive and he threatens self harm. He is aware of his issues and periodically has therapy and takes medication, but often decides he no longer needs it and stops all treatment. Sigh.
In any case, after finding this board I decided to put some boundaries in place and eventually we mutually decided it would best for him to move out. He now lives with three housemates in a house my husband and I own. They pay rent (market price) to a property manager and so far that is working out okay. He has a job that he's doing really well at, a new girlfriend, and he's paying rent.
Things all seemed to be going fine. He's been coming for dinner occasionally (sometimes with the girlfriend) and is polite and respectful when we see him. We have no complaints.
So what's the problem?
Me. I'm the problem. I've tried really hard not to think about what he might be doing (good or bad) but it seems I just can't stop it. I worry that he may be doing drugs, that he might not cope with being in a relationship or (heaven forbid) that he won't cope if they break up. I worry that he will lose his job etc etc etc. Most of the time these worries are just small niggles in the back of my head and I can ignore them, but sometimes his behaviour will trigger me. Tiny things.
For instance, ten days ago I took delivery of a parcel for him from a video game store. He said he forgot to change his address on his store card so they've sent it here. He hasn't yet been to pick up the package despite knowing it's here. At first I didn't worry but then I started to wonder if he was avoiding us, as he would usually come to collect any package quite promptly. Then, today he sent a text telling me his phone had died and he wouldn't be getting a new one until the end of the month. Again, I wonder if this is an attempt to avoid contact with us. I started to panic about self-harm/suicide or some other sort of trouble - job loss maybe? Because avoidance is his go to strategy when there is trouble.
I texted back asking if his phone had died, then how was he texting me? And also, when is he coming for the parcel? He replied that the phone has a problem with the screen "bleeding" and he doesn't know how long it will last but that he will get a new one by the end of the month. He said he'll pick up the parcel when he is free. No estimate of when that would be. So I let it go and said OK.
I know my hyper vigilance is over the top. I just feel in my gut that something is going on. I've been right (and wrong!) about this before - LOL! I also know that if there is a problem then there is nothing I can do. It's not my place to interfere. I resisted the urge to ask if anything was wrong, which was hard, but I know from experience that if there is a problem, asking him about it will only drive him further away.
Anyway, I guess I'm posting here because I needed to get this out of my system. There's really no one else I can tell who will understand. He's gone from my house and I have physical peace but I'm still mentally waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm not sure how I can get past this.
Despite having done a lot of work to detach myself from my son's dramas, every so often I find myself triggered by something he says or does and then I spiral back down into depression.
Just a brief catch up for those who are new (or need a reminder): my 24 year old son has moved out of our house (3 months ago now). We have had multiple problems with him over the years, mainly stemming from mental health problems (medically diagnosed depression and anxiety). I strongly believe he has further mental health/personality issues (possible bi-polar or Borderline (BPD)) but because he is an adult I'm not privy to his current diagnosis. He also has substance abuse issues (marijuana). He often has "meltdowns" which are not physically violent but he can be verbally abusive and he threatens self harm. He is aware of his issues and periodically has therapy and takes medication, but often decides he no longer needs it and stops all treatment. Sigh.
In any case, after finding this board I decided to put some boundaries in place and eventually we mutually decided it would best for him to move out. He now lives with three housemates in a house my husband and I own. They pay rent (market price) to a property manager and so far that is working out okay. He has a job that he's doing really well at, a new girlfriend, and he's paying rent.
Things all seemed to be going fine. He's been coming for dinner occasionally (sometimes with the girlfriend) and is polite and respectful when we see him. We have no complaints.
So what's the problem?
Me. I'm the problem. I've tried really hard not to think about what he might be doing (good or bad) but it seems I just can't stop it. I worry that he may be doing drugs, that he might not cope with being in a relationship or (heaven forbid) that he won't cope if they break up. I worry that he will lose his job etc etc etc. Most of the time these worries are just small niggles in the back of my head and I can ignore them, but sometimes his behaviour will trigger me. Tiny things.
For instance, ten days ago I took delivery of a parcel for him from a video game store. He said he forgot to change his address on his store card so they've sent it here. He hasn't yet been to pick up the package despite knowing it's here. At first I didn't worry but then I started to wonder if he was avoiding us, as he would usually come to collect any package quite promptly. Then, today he sent a text telling me his phone had died and he wouldn't be getting a new one until the end of the month. Again, I wonder if this is an attempt to avoid contact with us. I started to panic about self-harm/suicide or some other sort of trouble - job loss maybe? Because avoidance is his go to strategy when there is trouble.
I texted back asking if his phone had died, then how was he texting me? And also, when is he coming for the parcel? He replied that the phone has a problem with the screen "bleeding" and he doesn't know how long it will last but that he will get a new one by the end of the month. He said he'll pick up the parcel when he is free. No estimate of when that would be. So I let it go and said OK.
I know my hyper vigilance is over the top. I just feel in my gut that something is going on. I've been right (and wrong!) about this before - LOL! I also know that if there is a problem then there is nothing I can do. It's not my place to interfere. I resisted the urge to ask if anything was wrong, which was hard, but I know from experience that if there is a problem, asking him about it will only drive him further away.
Anyway, I guess I'm posting here because I needed to get this out of my system. There's really no one else I can tell who will understand. He's gone from my house and I have physical peace but I'm still mentally waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm not sure how I can get past this.
