Need thoughts and input

[Gran2Angels]

Hello everyone,

I have not posted in years. I would like to to ask for guidance.

My adult daughter is 36. She has four children. The two youngest live with their father and other grandparents. The two oldest were in my care for a few years. She has had the oldest two back for awhile now, about 18 months. I still have close contact and basically support a lot of their needs. They are 17 (boy) and 15 (girl).
The 15 yr old granddaughter has asked to come back with me full time as of last week. We are working on this.
What I need opinions and guidance on is this - I have found out the 17 yr old is smoking pot. My daughter is allowing it at her home and is smoking with him. My sister/daughter's aunt has been staying there a lot lately. Apparently she is also apart of this. As is one of my daughter's girlfriends. They all do it, they all apparently believe it is better for him to do it at home with them out and about with friends. Speaking of friends, my daughter is allowing him to be out and about with friends and even walking places at night. He is 17, no job, not motivated to get his license or permit to drive, grades are now dropping this year... But they say pot has nothing to do with it... oh, but of course not. And do they really think that doing with him at home is stopping him from doing elsewhere? And they think pot smoking doesn't kill brain cells or effective them at all.
I am beside myself. I have just found this out. Do I go to the police? Social services? How to go about it? Has anyone dealt with this?
Gran

 

[BusynMember]

Personally I don't think CPS will do anything since grandson is 17 and soon to be 18. They know there is little time left for them to do much. Why invest in him?

I am not sure the cops are that hard on pot anymore. It's not like it was when we were kids and pot was felony. You know what it's like in your area. It is no longer a big issue where I live although it isn't legal. The cops are busy with meth and heroin here. And cocaine.

Since it isn't going on in your home, if it were me, I would not like it but I wouldn't get involved either. Grandparents don't have a ton of rights and pot is soon going to be like alcohol. I however would not encourage impaired grandson to get a driver's license either. Very bad combination. He would not get money for classes and NO CAR from me since he smokes pot.

Get your granddaughter soon if you can. At 18 nobody will be able to do squat about the boy and he will have the right to say no to any treatment and to run back to be with his permissive mother.

It is totally up to you but that is how I would handle it. Now if you are paying for his cell phone or clothes etc. you can stop doing it unless he steps up to YOUR standards. Tell him he risks a monetary dump if he keeps up this lifestyle.

Otherwise you can't do much in the big picture. You CAN and in my opinion SHOULD stop paying ANY bills for 36 year old daughter. She is a big girl and should pay her own bills or reap the consequences. I would never give money to a 36 year old adult, child of mine of not. I never have.

Love and light to you. Enjoy your retirement years by putting YOU and spouse first.

 

[Gran2Angels]

Thanks, SWOT,

You are probably right about the police or CPS not helping. I don't know if there is anything I can do. I hate this so much.

I don't give my daughter money. Not ever. I do buy things for the kids. School clothes, shoes, hygiene products, etc. You make a good point. I guess if he is "big" enough to make this decision, along with his mother, I guess he can be "big" enough to to do without or get a job and provide for himself. Breaks my heart to see this. He is really sweet and loving. He and I have been so very close and through so much together. The sadness is very real.

Granddaughter moved back with me. Got all of her things this morning. Working on her old room this afternoon. She doesn't want to be around it. She is very angry at her mom. I guess she has that right.

I am 57. When does it end?

Thanks so much for your thoughts. I don't discuss any of this with anyone. You have made me feel not so much alone today.

 

[Gran2Angels]

Pulled out my Co Dependent No More book. My new nightly reading for a while. I think I need a refresher.