I think this is a normal phase of the grieving process we all undergo as we begin transferring responsibility for our children's lives over to them. If we are honest, we realize that there were things we would have done differently HAD WE KNOWN BETTER, THEN. To tell a child of whatever age that we always loved them, that we did the best we knew, and that we feel deep and sincere regret for what is happening to them now is a good thing, I think. But, just as our loving them then could not change the facts of their lives ~ whether that involved anxiety or any of the thousand other challenges our kids face ~ loving them now, however fiercely, isn't going to change the courses their lives are taking unless we can be strong enough, unless we can love them enough, to hand responsibility for their lives over to them.
The child is the only one who can face his or her particular problem and choose to go the same way, or to take a different path.
That's where the loving them now part comes in, I think.
We can remember for them who they might be, yet.
For me, the feeling beneath the question of forgiveness was rage.
Parents who have focused time, attention, and money on the problems of a child who seems unwilling to take the steps he needs to, to change things for himself, become frustrated long before we stop helping in the same way. We want to change our focuses, proceed with our own lives, attend our own careers and celebrate our other children, but we can't. We are sad, we try desperately to make a difference, we send money and spend time ~ and the result is the same.
That is when we begin to examine our consciences with fine tooth combs.
One last shot at "what could it be, what can I do, how can I help".
I think we need to go through this part.
We have to be sure, absolutely positive, that handing the child back his own life, however problematic, is the right thing.
We are as careful now as we were when they were little, as careful with them and as responsible to them as we were when we acknowledged we were lost, that our children were in trouble and were not hearing us ~ and when we sought help, for them and for us.
So, that's my take on this question, Stands.
Forgiveness is always about forgiving ourselves.
Rather than punishing ourselves for what has happened to our children, we need to go back and remember how scared we were, then. We need to remember what it felt like to be desperate, to look anywhere, to read anything, to pay anyone, anyone at all, who told us they could help us.
And we need to remember how all-encompassing our search for help, or at least, for understanding, was.
At the end of it all, Stands, we need to allow our kids the freedom to cope with whatever their problems and challenges are. We still need to be strong, but in a different way, now that they are adults. We can tell them we are sorry this or that thing that is happening to them now has happened ~ but instead of asking ourselves what went wrong, or what we are going to do to correct it, we need to speak those questions out loud, to them.
So they can stop blaming, and start to take responsibility for themselves and their lives.
Whether they are living with us in our homes or whether they are on the streets (or imprisoned), we cannot save them from themselves, once they are adults.
It isn't so simple as jerking them off their bikes so the bad thing won't happen, anymore.
Our kids WANT to ride their bikes in traffic.
They seem to WANT to self-sabotage.
And they don't want, or take, our advice.
So that's what I have to say about that, this morning.
You will make your way through this part, Susan.
You are doing just fine.
Barbara
