Need Wisdom and Opinions

[Elsi]

SWOT - yes! I completely agree and that's why I wrote what I wrote in my response to Tired Out. My youngest is a momma's boy, very protective of me...and I just can't add any more burdens to him where his older brother is concerned. What a fine line we dance on sometimes...but in this, I must put my youngest's well-being at the forefront of my efforts.

I agree. As parents we have to be careful not to burden our minor children with responsibility for our decisions or our mental health. Perhaps at some point down the road with a counselor you could explore his feelings about you having contact, so he has the chance to express himself and you have the understanding. But not to put the responsibility of the decision on him. And maybe the time isn’t right for that conversation.

I think I would have mixed feelings about having communication with the elder behind the younger’s back. I’m honestly not sure what I would do here. I don’t like lying - if I were asked directly if I’d had any contact I think I would have to be honest. But perhaps, if you do feel the need to establish some kind of communication channel with your older son, it would be kinder to simply not bring it up with your younger. It sounds like that would be difficult for you and I certainly understand that. It doesn’t feel right to hide things.

Can your therapist help you navigate this decision and any conversation you would want to have with your youngest?

 

[BusynMember]

We just wanted our littles to know that THIS behavior was not at all acceptable and he would never be back because he hurt them. Neither, now adults, expressed any desire to see him again. Each family is different. For ours it was best to not continue contact. We were concerned mostly with our younger kids, the victims. But again we did not raise this boy from birth. It was a no brainer for us to disengage.

 

[AKAnnie]

AKAnnie, I think in the long run you have answered your own question. Although you want to know oldest is okay you really don't want contact. Go with the "No news is good news".
Will he try to contact you? maybe you should just block his phone number on your phone? change your email? Decide how much of a barrier you want to erect. You may go back and forth on how you feel about that for a while.
I completely agree with others, YOU nor hubby have a thing to feel guilty about.
I asked about you 13 year olds thoughts because we all have different personalities and what may be taboo for 1 isn't for another. I have never been abused nor was in an abusive family so I don't have any idea what it feels like. I would never try to equate what went on with our son to what went on with yours. For us it is the baby that has created the issues and he is 21.

Yes...I think you are right about answering my own question...but thanks to you and everyone else, I was/am able to reflect on how and why...and those two (the hows and whys) are often where I get stuck. I am so grateful to you and everyone else here! I have blocked my oldest's phone number...and I have blocked him from social media...but I imagine that if something really bad happened, they (him and/or authorities) would be able to track us down. I have spoken with police in several towns in the state where he lives in as well as several hospitals and social service agencies. I think my name and contact information may be linked somehow to his name...but then, perhaps the authorities won't contact us... Last year around this time, we found out he was incarcerated not because he called us but because we did a google search for his name and saw news articles about him. At this point, what is most scary is not only the not knowing but the "may never know." It is a complete letting go and letting God, if you will. So hard...but I have you guys to help see me through...and maybe one day, I will be able to pass on the gift you guys so freely give.

 

[Tanya M]

Last year around this time, we found out he was incarcerated not because he called us but because we did a google search for his name and saw news articles about him.

Gotta love the Google search! I have done the same thing to find out my son had been arrested. The last time it happened there was a video of him being arrested...... Not what I would call a proud mom moment

 

[Tired out]

I google mine from time to time. Thank God nothing shows up.

 

[AKAnnie]

Gotta love the Google search! I have done the same thing to find out my son had been arrested. The last time it happened there was a video of him being arrested...... Not what I would call a proud mom moment

YES!! Not a proud mom moment at ALL! We didn't have video but a snapshot of his booking photo and a most awful headline. I almost giggled when you shared your experience and I saw that little sideways, wonky grin. It's SO not funny...but then in reflection...well...it's not funny but rather surreal! The rest of the family is so far removed from that lifestyle...from those choices (if they can be called that because of ASPD)...it's all just surreal, really. I'm not interested at this point in googling him because I'm slightly terrified at what we may find.

 

[Tanya M]

I almost giggled

I would rather giggle than cry about it.

 

[toughlovin]

I think what is really important for your 13 year old is first that you believed him when he told you about the abuse. You believed him and you took action and you protected him from furhter abuse. That is key. I understand your feelings about definitely not sharing your any contact you have with your older son with your younger sonm and the issue of hding that and how that would make you feel. I think what is really important here is that your younger son know without a doubt that you would not put him in a situation where he would have to have ocntact with his older brother. It sounds like you have made that clear.... but that is what he really needs to be sure of. He needs to know he is safe from his older brother. Unless he asks about his older brother (which he might very well not do) I dont think there is any reason at this point for you to talk to him about his older brother. As he gets older he may come to understand as horrible as his older brother might be he is still your son, and you are still his mother and you may still love him and have feelings for him in some way.

I know that has been true for my daughter. She would just as soon that we cut our son out of our lives completely....but she has accepted that as his parents we cannot and will not do that. What was really important was that we believed what she told us, and that we did not put her in a position where she felt she had to be unsafe either physically or emotionally.

 

[Smithmom]

Glad you're feeling stronger.

 

[elizabrary]

This is a terrible situation and I'm sorry you're going through it. If he has been diagnosed with ASPD then there is little hope that he can experience the love and attachments that we feel. It's just how he is, through whatever fluke of nature. What I want to say to you is that you have to protect yourself and your family. People with-this disorder spend their lives learning how to fake emotion in order to manipulate others. We fall for it because we experience these emotions and want to believe they do as well. If I were you I would not pursue a relationship with him until you have come to terms with your grief and accepted what this disorder truly means. Then if you are able to set very clear boundaries with the relationship you could try it. You would have to be very strict with your boundaries and if he oversteps them at all decide what the repercussions are and stick to them. Also, remember that he doesn't experience relationships as you do, so he isn't grieving the way that you do. Don't feel guilty. You are protecting yourself and your family. I hope you find some peace.

 

[RN0441]

I'm am truly so sorry you are dealing with this. I almost think it could be worse than what I've had to deal with regarding my son's addiction and I say that with a heavy heart because I really think that is one of the most horrible things a parent can go through.

I do not know if you are spiritual but if I were in your shoes I would pray for my son and for my own peace. I know that God can perform miracles and he can heal your heart and the hearts of your family.

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I know the holidays make it so much harder for all of us. We all want to be happy and safe and we so want that for those we love.

Cyber hugs and prayers that you find a way to make peace with this and find joy during the holidays.

 

[Beta]

As usual, so much wisdom, insight,and compassion here. I've read through many of your posts and I have been helped in my situation. I'll post a separate post on that, but thank each of you for the time and thought you put into your responses.