Never Left..but posting again

[Mouseyone]

Hello all,

I am on the website everyday, hoping, praying for respite from my worry, racing thoughts, body aches..
I have been here for years..and my son worsens. My son has schizophrenia..he will not adhere to any program, therapy, nothing.
Just one short month ago, he had everything..a place to stay, social workers..yet, drugs and bad behavior takes over. I am struggling..I have no one to speak about this to. My son stabbed his roommate..it was very serious, requiring the person to have surgery. My son is now in jail..Rikers Island to be specific, which is a tough jail in NY. He is on the Medical Health ward, which provides some comfort, yet he is still in jail. He called yesterday and said he had gotten into a fight..nothing new, my son is always angry, always combative, always ready for a fight. His public defender got his bail down..I can bail him out, however, he has lost everything..his supportive housing, social workers, everything. We are afraid of him. He is in a dangerous jail, yet, he is dangerous to himself and others. My dilemma is whether to bail him out..seeing as though he has no where to go, nothing in place. We have been dealing with this since he was 17..He is now 29..I am at a breaking point. I am so sad that he is in jail, yet, at least I know he is off the streets..but..he can also get hurt there. It is impossible.

 

[Fairy dust]

I am so sorry for the heart ache you are going through but glad you have found us. In reading through your post a few observations that i had to reread.

he will not adhere to therapy, programs, help.
still smokes weed
bad behaviour takes over.
he stabbed his roommate.
you are afraid of him.

may I humbly suggest that you take your time to think this decision through and not let his calls pressure you. Please

think of your family and your safety first
what will bailing him out do? Is there a program he is willing to go to and abide by their rules?
what will change if you bail him out?


through this forum I have learned about the FOG our children put us through…fear, obligation and guilt. Please see what this is and how this can draw you to make decisions you may not be comfortable with. Also there is a great article on detachment on this forum. Please read, reread this as many times as you need to. It will give you strength .

others will come along to help. i pray the universe helps you and your family. Finally big hugs! You will get through this.

 

[Copabanana]

He is in a dangerous jail, yet, he is dangerous to himself and others. My dilemma is whether to bail him out..seeing as though he has no where to go, nothing in place.

Hi. I worked over 30 years in prison mental health. My son is mentally ill.

This is what I think: your son needs to stay where he is. If he is dangerous to himself and others, any psychologist or psychiatrist would mandate him to involuntary hospitalization. Where he is, others are safe from him, and he is likely safe from himself.

Yes, there are dangers in prison, but that is the least dangerous given all the other variables. And where he is, there is the possibility he could be stabilized in time with medication and other interventions.

This is the reality you face, but we as parents are always better off if we accept reality.

I do not see you have any options here, that re realistic. Do not bail him out. That is what I say.

 

[Nandina]

Hi Mouseyone and welcome,

I agree with Copa, that your son should stay where he is and get treatment and stay somewhat safe. The thing is, he could be unsafe on the streets just as he could in jail. He has already knifed somebody while out of jail as you said.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. It is heartbreaking. But I feel strongly that if you live in fear of your adult children they need to stay as far away from you as possible.

Please keep posting here. So many of us have been through what you are experiencing and can help you get through it. Stay strong. Sending hugs.

 

[Beta]

Mousyone,
I'm so sorry. You and your family have been through it, and of course you are heartbroken. It is nothing other than heartbreaking to see the breakdown of our child. But I too have to agree with what others have said. Bailing him out is not going to help him in any way, and it's going to put you, your family, and other people in harms way. I hope you will not do it.

 

[Mouseyone]

Update to this...I didn't bail my son out...he was released 3 weeks ago..in that span of time, he stole a check from his father, became homeless and sold the phone that I bought him. I am so afraid that something bad is going to happen to him. I am literally sick to my stomach. There is absolutely nothing I can do to stop this train wreck and I am a mess.

 

[Fairy dust]

I understand. My son frightens me as well. I am fearful always that he will do something to himself or even worse others. However there isn’t anything you can do that you already haven’t done. please Give this over to a higher power. And start today taking care of you with the goal of getting stronger every day, both physically and mentally. i allow myself a certain amount of time each day to acknowledge my fear and understand it. But then I ask it to leave and strive for other more positive emotions to come through. love and compassion for yourself, curiosity in exploring new things, pride in gaining your strength. This takes mental focus to do, but really fear doesn’t want to hang out all day with you. It just wants to be seen, heard and acknowledged. Hugs, hugs and more hugs!

 

[Mouseyone]

Thank you so much for your replies. I am going back and forth from anxiety to resignation. I will absolutely post more and try to surrender to a higher power. I am really tired.

 

[Nomad]

This is the reality you face, but we as parents are always better off if we accept reality.

I think it's true that your son is/was safer where he is at and it's best to accept the reality, even though it hurts. If he steals from you, consider calling the police. If he ever physical hurts you, definitely call the police. Keep your home safe with alarms, cameras and locks. There are support groups out there including Families Anonymous...this type of grief is extremely hard. Of course, this group is of great help as well. But having local people with local resources is likely good too. As a side note, this sentence above hit me hard. It is something I don't usually like doing and naturally somehow fight. It is hard for me to fully grasp that with sooo much hard work/effort, tears etc. that the outcome is not better. But, mental illness is extraordinarily hard and you can't change what others do. It's a hard pill to swallow. Blessings

 

[LetGo]

Mouseyone, I am sorry about what you have been dealing with. I believe that most of us are in the same boat as parents. After so much effort, love, caring and finding resources, our adult kids just seem to reject it all and choose a different path. They can't see the forest for the trees and we can't change this. We all have our "what if" moments and fantasy parent selves (if only they would follow what we lay out for them...). Copa is right, as parents we really, truly are better off if we accept reality. We have other places in our lives to have joy and let love in and back out to others. Guess what? Just a little beyond the grief and guilt, there is our life that we get to live and it's okay to do so. And we are not "bad" parents if our children are suffering and we have happiness. I am thinking of you. Hugs.

 

[So Very Drained]

Mouseyone - keep reading on here. I have never not learned something from reading a post on here. It's not a fast walk out of our problems, but this place will help you know that you haven't lost your mind and there is hope. One of the things that I think is so hard is knowing that - no matter how you explain it - no one can understand what you're going through unless they've been through it themselves. It's really been helpful to me. Best to you!