scaredofhim
Member
It is going to come to us telling her that I am sure, especially if this weekend goes badly with him.....
New here and need advice
- Thread starter scaredofhim
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scaredofhim
Member
And yes she does have full custody of him. She tells us we have to take him because the visitation order says husband has SS every other weekend. But we have checked into it and a visitation order just states when husband can have his visitation with SS. She thinks because the word "order" is used that it means husband HAS to take him. But that is not the case. While the court highly encourages visitation, it does not enforce it and will not force a non-custodial parent to visit his child, nor will the non-custodial parent be held in contempt for not visiting with the child. husband loves his son, but his son is very dangerous right now....
TerryJ2
Well-Known Member
Welcome, and so sorry you have to go through this.
From the info here, it sounds like he could be both bipolar AND have Asperger's ... the things that caught my attention in regard to Asperger's are video game addiction, and not wanting to order his own food. Jumping out of a car sounds more like bipolar. He needs to have a long, in-depth evaluation.
The reason he is acting out seems to be because he doesn't know any other way to behave. He found that screaming, kicking and threatening worked for him when he was little. Plus, the world is just too overwhelming for him. That's my take.
My son takes clonidine and it really takes the edge off. Just an idea.
This is going to be a long process. I feel for you all.
Many hugs.
From the info here, it sounds like he could be both bipolar AND have Asperger's ... the things that caught my attention in regard to Asperger's are video game addiction, and not wanting to order his own food. Jumping out of a car sounds more like bipolar. He needs to have a long, in-depth evaluation.
The reason he is acting out seems to be because he doesn't know any other way to behave. He found that screaming, kicking and threatening worked for him when he was little. Plus, the world is just too overwhelming for him. That's my take.
My son takes clonidine and it really takes the edge off. Just an idea.
This is going to be a long process. I feel for you all.
Many hugs.
scaredofhim
Member
She is not totally resistant to getting him help, she wants a second opinion but she is dragging her feet about everything because she just can't face it that another one of her children has mental issues. She doesn't believe the bipolar diagnosis. husband told her on Saturday that she needs to get him a comprehensive evaluation asap and all she said was, "I know."
scaredofhim
Member
We spoke with SS's bio mom last night. He has gotten so bad that she called someone about a program she heard about. The lady came out and talked to her about it and she is filling out all the paperwork for the program. Basically instead of taking SS to counseling, they will come to the home and counsel him. And if that doesn't work and he remains violent and unruly, then he will be placed into a residential treatment facility. The violence against his bio mom has escalated this week and she is afraid of him. SS says none of us love him and none of us want to spend time with him, which is absolutely not true! His bio mom always offers to take him to do fun things, but he refuses to go because he doesn't want to leave his video games. And husband and I are always trying to get him out of the house, but again, he never wants to go anywhere or do anything that takes him away from playing the video games. When any of us do manage to get him to go somewhere, he complains the whole time and asks every five minutes when we are going home. He has been pushing, shoving, and blocking his bio mom from getting past him in the house when she won't give him what he wants, and calling her horrible names. We are supposed to pick him up tomorrow after school for our weekend with him, and I am scared senseless about what the weekend is going to be like. Bio mom told husband that SS may try to shove or hit me and my husband said, "No way is that happening, we will call the police!" Anyway, please keep us in your prayers. Advice greatly appreciated.....
scaredofhim
Member
We are very relieved that she is seeking help for SS. But it took her getting really afraid of him before she did. We were reading about conduct disorder and husband and I really feel that he fits the description of it. We already know he is bipolar but we think he may also have conduct disorder.
Conduct disorder, like it's slightly milder version ODD, is merely a description of problem behavior. At this age, there is usually another source for the problem behavior. And if I'm not mistaken, CD requires the person to be adult or nearly adult (17/18)... otherwise, it hasn't persisted long enough to get that label.
Things like Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), or Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), or attachment disorder (in any form... it is also a spectrum), among other things, would be more likely "causes".
Things like Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), or Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), or attachment disorder (in any form... it is also a spectrum), among other things, would be more likely "causes".
scaredofhim
Member
Actually conduct disorder can either be childhood onset or adolescent onset. I just finished reading a very long article about it. Below is a small part of it:
Childhood-Onset Type.
This subtype is defined by the onset of at least one criterion characteristic of Conduct Disorder prior to age 10 years.
Individuals with Childhood-Onset Type are usually male, frequently display physical aggression toward others, have disturbed peer relationships, may have had Oppositional Defiant Disorder during early childhood, and usually have symptoms that meet full criteria for Conduct Disorder prior to puberty. These individuals are more likely to have persistent Conduct Disorder and to develop adult Antisocial Personality Disorder than are those with Adolescent-Onset Type.
Childhood-Onset Type.
This subtype is defined by the onset of at least one criterion characteristic of Conduct Disorder prior to age 10 years.
Individuals with Childhood-Onset Type are usually male, frequently display physical aggression toward others, have disturbed peer relationships, may have had Oppositional Defiant Disorder during early childhood, and usually have symptoms that meet full criteria for Conduct Disorder prior to puberty. These individuals are more likely to have persistent Conduct Disorder and to develop adult Antisocial Personality Disorder than are those with Adolescent-Onset Type.
scaredofhim
Member
Horrible weekend with SS...First of all, his counselor refuses to see him anymore because he won't talk to him. Bio mom is doing the paperwork for the program to have another counselor come to the home to talk to him. They will come three times and if he refuses to cooperate with them, they will initiate the process of placing him in a residential treatment facility. If bio mom follows through with it that is, and after talking with her yesterday we are not sure that she will. SS wanted to go back home early yesterday, so we called bio mom and she said that was fine but to inform him he was doing chores when he got there before he could play video games. He stated to us that he was not going to do chores, that he was getting on the computer to play games as SOON as he got home, and was going to play until bedtime. husband informed him that was not the case, and that we were going to keep his laptop until he did the chores, then we would drop it back by. So we got to SS's house, and he grabs the laptop and jumps out of the car and runs toward the door, with husband right behind him. husband took the laptop, and SS ran into the house and stomped up the stairs, went to his room and proceeded to have a meltdown. He was screaming, cursing, jumping up and down on the floor, throwing things, etc. This went on for an hour, with husband going upstairs from time to time to try to talk to him. SS says he hates us and doesn't want to come back to our house. SS lied to us repeatedly all weekend, telling us he has been getting A's at school and doing all his homework. But bio mom showed us his work and his grades, and he is failing everything. He finally came downstairs and we tried to talk to him about his grades, and with the proof right there in front of him he continued to say he did all his homework and was getting good grades and that all the teachers were lying. We got ready to leave, and husband told bio mom to let us know if he got violent with her after we left and if he did, to call the police. We never heard back from her so we are assuming he didn't. But she did tell us he started in on her about the X Box as soon as we left, because she has that locked up in the attic. And she will probably cave in and let him have it back, because that is what she does, even though the counselor she is going to has told her she needs to get all electronics out of the house and NEVER let him have them back, because he is severely addicted. Bio mom is afraid she is going to lose her job if she keeps having to take off work because of SS. She asked me if she could drop him with me if he has a sick day, and I told her no, that I am not going to be alone with that child because he is too unpredictable and I afraid of what he might do. He is a big kid, he is up to 165 lbs. now, and I am a little bitty thing and he could seriously hurt me during one of his rages. I am too scared of him and don't ever want to be alone with him, and husband agrees with me. Anyway, that was how the weekend went. Not sure if we are going to take him again the next time it is our weekend.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Hi. Sorry about this mess.
I actually don't blame bio. mom at all. If this kid is 165 lbs. and is standing nose to nose with her and wants his Xbox, he could seriously hurt her. in my opinion this kid is beyond the place where withholding his favorite things will help him. I do think he needs residential treatment before somebody gets seriously hurt. This is a BIG kid. Let the therapist stand up to him when he is flexing his muscles...therapists are sometimes off in la-la land. They don't have to deal with the kids, but we do. YOU don't want him in your house because he scares you, which certainly makes sense to me, but I don't blame bio. mom for not fighting him to the end either.
If I were you I wouldn't take him. He sounds dangerous. You can not parent a child you are afraid of OR who refuses to be parented. What are you supposed to do? Lock him in his room? That is abuse and he is anyhow big enough to kick down the door.
I do believe he has some sort of attachment problem (which manifests like Conduct Disorder) and that he is getting more defiant as he gets older, which usually happens. Some kids have to be loved and parented from afar and in my opinion he is one of them. Don't risk your safety just because bio. mom is dragging her feet.
Hugs and I hope he can find somewhere to get the help he needs and that the rest of you stay safe!!!
I actually don't blame bio. mom at all. If this kid is 165 lbs. and is standing nose to nose with her and wants his Xbox, he could seriously hurt her. in my opinion this kid is beyond the place where withholding his favorite things will help him. I do think he needs residential treatment before somebody gets seriously hurt. This is a BIG kid. Let the therapist stand up to him when he is flexing his muscles...therapists are sometimes off in la-la land. They don't have to deal with the kids, but we do. YOU don't want him in your house because he scares you, which certainly makes sense to me, but I don't blame bio. mom for not fighting him to the end either.
If I were you I wouldn't take him. He sounds dangerous. You can not parent a child you are afraid of OR who refuses to be parented. What are you supposed to do? Lock him in his room? That is abuse and he is anyhow big enough to kick down the door.
I do believe he has some sort of attachment problem (which manifests like Conduct Disorder) and that he is getting more defiant as he gets older, which usually happens. Some kids have to be loved and parented from afar and in my opinion he is one of them. Don't risk your safety just because bio. mom is dragging her feet.
Hugs and I hope he can find somewhere to get the help he needs and that the rest of you stay safe!!!
