New here, and so tired

[Marguerite]

As and when you can, you and husband need to get on the same page as much aspossible. If you can, get him to lurk here. It can make a huge difference - even if you both talk together a lot, there's something about writing it down here for me that condenses my thoughts into something more effective, husband & I are even more on the same page these days even though we thought we already were doing well.

Writing posts distils your thoughts in a way nothing else can do.

If you are both working as an effective team, there is much less misunderstanding between you and your child. That can bring more positive results than you might think.

Your husband has already set the big reawrd in place. The smaller rewards are a good way of making it achievable. My main concern now (something you will have to watch for) is that she will expect similar big rewards in the future. You may have set yourselves up for some expensive bribes! But hey, that's your problem, not mine. Your choice. If you're cool with it, no worries. If not - then you will find a way to wean her off future expensive rewards.

Where you can, also use praise. It is amazing what a positive difference it can make. If you combine the current bribes with praise, thatcan be part of the process in working towards weaning her back on rewards. Other good reward options - your time, donig something she enjoys. If she wants to make cupcakes, then you can make a cupcake session with her, a reward for a day's good behaviour.

Sounds like you did well with those teens who were hassling her - I learned to not count any misbehaviour in difficult child 3 if it was duew to him being provoked by others. If he was able to quickly calm himself down, or if he handled it well, I would praise him for coping and for being more mature than the others in the interaction.

Our kids need to know that we will help them, we will stick up for them if they're being mistreated. Simply knowing this can make such a difference to their confidence, which in turn reduces their anxiety often to more manageable levels. It all flows on to lead to improvement.

Marg

 

[TerryJ2]

Welcome, 2daughters.

I can't add much, except to save bravo for braving it through the courts and lawyers and working out some good plans.
I agree that you must be on the same page with-your husband as far as discipline ... you can talk to him when he gets back about upping her reward by 5 days or so, because she's been so good. That way, it won't undermine him and it will be a decision by both of you, that she plainly sees. At her age, a month is too long to expect good behavior. We went through the same thing with-my son and he didn't have the awful history your daughter did. It's just a developmental thing.
I know how you feel about being worn out.
If I could go back in time, I would go to bed the instant my difficult child went to sleep, instead of staying up to fix everything that he destroyed during the day. I was so sleep deprived I couldn't think at all.

 

[2daughters]

Luckily husband and I have managed to get on the same page for disciplining my daughter. We've got different ideas of the rewards though. I know his heart was in the right place when he did the kitchen thing. He knows how much she wants it and was hoping that it would work because it is something she really wants. I don't think it's the big reward at the end that she's not having so many meltdowns because I've altered my parenting. I heap on the praise for every good thing she does, and I'm not battling with her (unless she does something really bad).

I have just finished another good day with my daughter. Today she actually had no melt downs! She did get upset when I wouldn't let her have a 3rd bath today, but it was nothing like what she usually goes through. One thing she did a while ago was cutting her own hair when she found out where the scissors were hidden (they've been moved again). She usually squirms a bit and gets really anxious whenever I try to "fix" her hair. Today she just sat there and wanted me to tell her everything I was doing while I was doing it. I'd told her afterward that because she was so good while getting her hair cut that when we go to see the "play doctor" (that's what she calls her psychiatrist) on Tuesday that we'll leave early so we can have lunch, and I let her play one of her games on the computer today.

I did have to have a talk with her tonight though, but not because of her behaviors. My oldest daughter went on a rampage and attempted to verbally abuse me on the phone (she lives with her father, and I had to record the phone call), going as far as accusing me of some pretty heinous things. My daughter also heard my oldest daughter's father attempt to degrade me and verbally abuse me as well. I'd thought my youngest daughter had gone to play in her room or watch tv, and it wasn't until after I came out of the room that she told me what she'd heard.