new here - worn out and at my wits end

[miche]

How is she doing in the new preschool? Is she happy and wanting to go back? Reluctant? What is her teacher reporting?

She hates school. She doesn't want to go -- ever. This new school is much better than the old one, but she doesn't have any friends yet, barely knows the kids names, and is not yet comfortable with the teacher. She was at her old school since she could remember, and made many very good friends there. Although her teachers were idiots, at least she knew what to expect from them on a given day. He teacher says that she is defiant to her on most days. She says 'no' alot, and often is mean to her friends. Hates to take naps. Runs around at circle time some days, and doesn't want to participate. The naps have always been an issue, but hitting friends and circle time problems are brand new. That's where the pediatrician thinks that it is the stress of the new classroom.

How did she do when the baby arrived? All kids struggle when a new little one is brought home but most of them rebound quite quickly.

She started to act up right before the baby came. She just wanted attention for the most part, and was very jealous of the baby. Now, 9 months later, she does love her sister, but still gets very mad when we are tending to the baby and not giving her our undivided attention.

How does she do with transitions such as leaving home and going to the library or stopping an activity?
She's okay with transistions at home, for the most part, except when it comes to going to bed and getting ready for school. At school, if she is doing something that she enjoys and I show up to pick her up WATCH OUT. I have learned to always give her time to finish what she is doing before attempting to take her home from school. Mornings are HELL. We have a routine, but it is pushing and pushing for 45 minutes to get out the door on time. I hate mornings.

 

[SRL]

Is this preschool as in a few hours a day 3 times a week preschool or is this all day day care with a preschool component built in?

 

[miche]

She is currently in a daycare with preschool built in.

She was formerly in a state accredited preschool with before and after care that was extremely structured and academic. Everyday was a struggle with the teacher to get her to stay in her stations and she was starting to have sleep problems and nightmares. She was told where to play and what to play, and didn't have any choice about it. In writing, she had to write her name each day 10 times. Man, did she hate the writing center!!! Now I know why!! She was starting to display Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) characteristics and was getting stressed about her homework each night, if it wasn't perfect she would get mad and push it off the table. That's why we took her out. Among other reasons.

Now she is in a daycare setting with a much less rigid day. Circle time (20 minutes) is really the only time they are completely expected to sit and listen. The rest of the day is alot of free play in centers and art projects. They do alot of painting and such, usually centered around the letter of the week. (difficult child is way beyond the academic part, she's known her letters and sounds for quite some time now, and is starting to read a little by herself, but I thought it was important to relax on the academics and focus on the fun, and maybe that would help.)

ARRRGGGGHHHHH

 

[SRL]

Yes, I agree that less focus on academics is best for nearly all of the little ones.

Just a couple of thoughts here. Sometimes children just aren't ready for a structured preschool setting and they don't do well. These kids may or may not have underlying issues--it's just part of the natural differences in kids. As a country we've been moving towards earlier and more academic due both to most moms being in the workforce and NCLB mandates. And preschools are notoriously rigid on the two areas where children who aren't ready usually struggle: calendar time and nap time. This can make for some very unhappy campers.

Children who have underlying issues usually struggle in preschool regardless of the setting. I agree that your daughter was likely very stressed but I also think most kids rebound pretty quickly when immersed in a new setting that's more positive and more suitable to them. I know your doctor believes otherwise but the fact that she's displaying some pretty major behavioral stuff makes me lean in the direction that it would be better to rule out problems than to let it go and continue wasting time if she does indeed need it. 3 year olds can be difficult when under stress but most of them do bounce back quickly once the stress is removed and both the new baby and the new preschool . What I'm pulling this thread and yesterday's is
Chronic am crankiness, inflexibility/Rigidity, anger, striking out physically when she doesn't get her way, defiant, very bright, early verbal skills-talks like an adult.

I know you have a very full plate already but like totoro I'm going to encourage you to keep a journal over the next few weeks. Record all instances of the problem behaviors and what, if any, triggered them. This will help you start looking for patterns and you will want to keep an open mind. For instance, right now you're operating on the principle that she's still stressed from her last preschool experience when maybe what's really going on is that she's stressed from being away from home. (My difficult child was like that--he needed lots of downtime at home to be emotionally well in his early days. He also couldn't handle being rushed until about 3rd grade. Almost guaranteed meltdowns in both cases) Instead of thinking she's knocking down blocks because she isn't getting her way/biting sister for no reason, be open to perhaps she doesn't understand what's expected of her socially and/or doesn't care.