New Member looking for some "words of wisdom" about 18yr son at home still in HS!

[DDD]

Welcome. I "scan read" the input you have received and may have missed some of the content but "he is now smoking cigars" more than likely means he is "now smoking blunts". been there done that. Cigars with pot rolled inside are called blunts but look like cigars from the outside. My extremely bright difficult child was proud to be "the best blunt roller" in the County. When his former easy child friends were graduating (which he did not) he had three of them come visit at our house. I honestly was naive enough to think "wow, old friends are coming back". Not. They brought their cigars/pot to our house so they could celebrate graduation with the best rolled blunts available. I an NOT a crybaby but when he told me "why" they had come to visit I had a long tear filled shower.

For some reason my difficult child has avoided underage girls, whew! I think it is because he has many difficult child friends who have been pursued for child support...and one for legal prosecution. I know you can't stop him from having sex but do make sure he knows "not in my house". At least you won't be complicit.You have my sympathies and understanding. At this point I think you need to focus on the "not in our house" and pray that he gets thru to graduation. I know it's not what you expected life to be....they just seem hellbent on messing up their lives. Hugs DDD

 

[toughlovin]

The drug testing is tricky.... I think the hair test has to be a hair follicle test, which means say getting hair out of a hairbrush or something may not be enough. So my guess is that is going to be a tough way to do it. What I did when my son was 14 was he seemed lethargic, unmotivated, tired, strange sleeping habits etc. So I told him I was concerned that he had anemia and i took him for a physical. I told the doctor all the symptoms I was seeing. He took me aside and said he wanted to drug test him. (That is what I wanted of course which is why I made sure he knew what symptoms I was concerned about). So they drug tested him. When the results came back the dr did not want to tell me the results but instead spoke to my son... however I knew enough that they had to be positive and so then I asked my son about it... that is how we definitely knew he was using pot.

Your son is older so first of all the doctor won't have to ask your permission and won't be able to tell you the results... but taking him for a physical might be a way to open up the conversation. Given that he is avoiding drug testing it does sound like he is using. Maybe at a doctors visit he will be asked and then will tell them he will test positive. The good thing is pot stays in your system for a month so it does show up in regular pot users. Other stuff won't necessarily.

And yes to the concerns about his relationship with a 14 year old. I would check the laws in your state about that... I think in most states 14 is under the age of consent and you may need to find the laws and sit your son down and show it to him... he needs to understand the risk he is taking. I worried about this with my son although in fact his gfs were always his age but he would get angry with me because I always wanted to know how old they were.

TL

 

[ostate2003]

Thank you soooooooo much for taking the time out of your day to reply. I'm so torn about what the immediate next steps need to be, between what my husband what, what my ex-husband wants, what I'm concerned about and what is affecting brother, his step-mom, step brothers and sisters. I plan on cutting his hair (like the way I saw done when I took him in a year ago and then sending this off - regardless of the cost. if I can just confirm one way or another if he is in fact using/abusing - I can take steps with everyone to handle it however. But if I can't confirm substance abuse, I will forever feel guilty that I've handled things the wrong way, because I missed seeing the signs of another mental or psychological issue. Guess I sound like every other parent "in denial" but rest assured I'm not in denial - and I'm taking every piece of information into account so I can look at the big picture. PLEASE PLEASE CONTINUE to share info that I need to be looking for or stories of what you've experienced. I just want to determine if I'm just dealing with an imature child who doesn't know how to handle himself and is inable to see the positive options in life (partically becuase of his decisions) because he is afraid of failure....or someone is who is intrenched in addiction to some degree. Regardless I can't let this tear my family apart - but my emotionaly state....I don't think I have a clear perspective. Thanks again for your honest words of wisdom, suggestions and experiences.

 

[DammitJanet]

You can make it a condition of him continuing to live in your house now that he is 18 that he has to submit to random drug testing at your will. All you have to do is go to any drug store and buy the tests. Walmart sells them. Get the ones that tests for the entire range of drugs. They have one that just tests for pot and about 3 other things but it isnt as accurate. Get the one that tests for all the possible drugs. Dont tell him when you are going to test him ahead of time and just pop the test on him and make your husband go in the bathroom with him so you can make sure he isnt tampering with the test. Then you just send the test off to the lab and they test it for you and send you back the results. I think the tests are about $30 a pop. Well worth it. If you do it at the doctors they are more. But make sure you watch him pee or he will get someone he knows who doesnt use drugs to pee for him.

 

[BusynMember]

I just want to say that drug tests don't always tell the truth. There are many drugs that don't show up (the kids know this and often will use them). Unfortunately, a clean test doesn't mean he is not using drugs. It just rules out certain drugs (I am not sure which ones show up and don't show up).

I also want to address ADHD medication. While they can REALLY help a younger child or a teen/adult who is not using other drugs, they can a nd often are abused. My daughter, who is now clean, explained to me that she and her friends would fake ADHD or steal siblings ADHD medications or buy them and crush them in a pillcrusher and then snort them either by themselves or with other drugs, such as cocaine. Adderall went for $10 a pill at the time. This was a while back so I have no idea what it goes for now, but it is coveted by drug users. But all of them are used. If a child is abusing drugs, in my opinion it's best not to put him on ADHD medication. The medications won't work even if taken correctly if there are other drugs muddling it up and, frankly, they will probably be abused if the person IS a substance abuser. My daughter stole her brother's Ritalin and Adderrall, although, at the time, we were puzzled about who took them because we were still in denial.

Big hugs and I would still go to Al-Anon. We did and I k now what you mean about those who just want attention, but we sort of focused off of them and on those who actually gave good advice and had taken action. Like with everything else, including this site, we had to take what we felt was useful and leave the rest behind.

Keep us updated.

 

[ostate2003]

Update: We went to take the coat back and I tried talking to him about his attitude. He said to me that "the way you're acting is really pissing me off". Every question I would ask him about getting a job or why he was disrespecting me, our family, etc. he would say "I don't know". So my response was....let me ask you a question i know you will have a yes/no answer for.....will you submit to a drug test today. He quickly said yes and had that little cocky thing with his eyes and head. I was already at the mall so I decided to take back the jacket and see if I could continue to talk to him. When he found out I wasn't giving him the cash - that I was going to give him a chance to pick out something else he liked, he got really out of sorts and said he was just hungry. When we sat down to eat I asked about his mood and he told me he was fine until I "started in on him for 3 hours" (mind you the mall is 10 minutes from our house). I told him he was a little off on his time, and he said "why don't you just stop talking to me". As you might imagine it just got worse from there....

We got back in the car, because he was not in the mood to shop and then he asked me where I was going. I told him to take him by the place for the drug test - and asked again if he was still willing to do it - he said he yes, then asked me twice what type of test I was going to have done. When I told him we'd just have to wait and see, he got very angry. He then went on to say how I was perscuating him for no reason and I just needed to stop talking. I then said, maybe we can avoid this by you telling me the truth about things...lets start with have you been around anyone who's done drugs. He first said yes a couple weeks ago, then it changed to last week - then it changed to I really wasn't around them, but there was a joint at a friends house during a party that several people went out to the garage to use, but I sayed in the house to just drink a few beers. I asked him why he continued to put himself in these situations and he started again with the "I don't know". A couple questions later, he was getting really short and disrespectful. He told me that he didn't plan on spending the night with us and refused to talk to me anymore so I told him if he was not willing to talk to me to sort things out and didn't have the means to cover his insurance on his car, he wasn't taking his care and I was tired of him being a bully when he didn't get his way. Well that really sent him over the edge and he went on and on about how he couldn't believe I was calling him that - and if anything, it was my husband (his stepdad) who was the bully....and I let him walk all over me.

Nothing else was said for the next few minutes it took us to get to the testing place. I turned off the car, grabed my purse and asked him if he was going to get out. When he told me no, my response was "are you telling me you are now not willing to take the test to him clear all his up and vindicate yourself". His last response was nope, I was willing to do it until you called me a bully, now I'm not because you called me that.

He had me drop him off by a movie theater with only the clothes on his back and his phone. I kept telling him that I loved him and may not be making the right decisions, but everything I was doing was in an attempt just to help him because I loved him. At first, before I dropped him off he refused to give up his keys - then threw them in the car and said take the f'ing keys and told me thanks for nothing as he left.

I am looking for an alanon meeting to attend today, but am just beside myself and would really appreicate chatting with anyone about all this. I keep wondering if I'm going too far or not far enough....and what in the world my next steps can be. Thank you all!

 

[toughlovin]

Ostate... gosh your son could be my son. The whole conversation you had with me is so so familiar to ones I have had... and the attitude too. I think by his behavior today you can be pretty sure he is using substances of some sort.. .he admitted to drinking beer which he is of course playing down as minor.... so he is doing something. And all the blaming you and justifying himself is all a part of it... and he gave up a new jacket he could pick out because he is hoping you would give him the cash.

I think you are doing fine and kept the right balance. He had options but threw them away... he is cocky right now, that may change with time. It is hard... and it is heartbreaking when the relationship feels broken.... but that is not forever. I think it is impossible to have a close relationship with the disrespectful behavior... and so you are doing the right thing by backing away a bit.

My relationship with my difficult child has been full of times like these... however he sent me another poem this morning and we are making progress especially as he seems to be more serious about recovery.

TL

 

[Nancy]

Ostate he wouldn't get out of the car because you called his bluff and he knew he couldn't pass the test, plain and simply. He tried to blame it on you but that was deflection. Just like TL said, this conversation took place in our case also. I took difficult child several times for drug tests on the spur of the moment. When she was willing to go I knew she was clean, and the test proved it. When she was unwilling to go I knew she used, and it did finally come out that way.

I have dropped off my difficult child at movie theaters, in the middle of the road, at friends houses, many places with her slamming the door so hard I thought it would break off and calling me all kinds of names. I have refused to pick her up from work or take her places I knew she would get high at. She has threatened to walk in front of a car and kill herself if I didn't pick her up. I have locked her out of the house and kicked her out in a snowstorm. And at every turn my heart was breaking and all I wanted to do was hug her and make it all better but I couldn't, only she could do that and only after she got sober.

I hope the al-anon meeting helped. Your goal is to get him help but the journey there is more difficult than anything you can imagine. Stay strong.

Nancy

 

[buddy]

HUGS Ostate.... just, lots of hugs.

 

[ostate2003]

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you......I'm sure I will get through this - but it is so nice to see every post that supports what I'm doing and helps nick away at the big white elephant in the room that keeps questioning my sanatity and objectivity. The mother inside says "what if there is something more wrong with him psychchologically than we realized, what H3LL am I putting him through if that is the case".....but the rational side of my brain agrees that regardless of what other issues may be going on - his behavior and actions are unacceptable and the way I've handled it up until now has just allowed it to get worse. Doing no one any good.

Please keep the comments/posts coming, its funny how unbelivable reading these comments from strangers helps bring so much comfort right now.

Hugs to all of you who are under simular stress. I work in the non-profit world, and it's amazing to me that somehow society has allowed our most vunerable youth (18-21) just fall through the cracks of specialized agency services. They are either too young to get bennefit from the program because they won't fit in, or too old to qualify for the programs. God bless the children growing up in our society today.....

 

[susiestar]

LOTS of hugs. I don't know where you live, but if his girlfriend is 14 and he is 18 he CAN be ARRESTED for statutory rape and have to register as a SEX OFFENDER for the rest of his life. Not sure if Ostate refers to where you live or a sports affiliation or something else, but I have lived in OH and OK and know people in both state who wound up as LIFETIME sex offenders because their girlfriend was underage and they were not. Not a single one of them has even been able to get hired at MacDonalds and those are about the easiest jobs to get here.

I know hw may not beleive you, but if his girlfriend gets angry (and 14yo girls are known for emotional stability -NOT) or if her folks do, then he is in MAJOR trouble.

Have you considered putting limits on what he can/can't do to live in your home? Must have job working X hrs per week, curfew of 10:30 or 11 pm, certain grades, etc.....? If nothing else, find a cop to explain how his life will be RUINED if he has a girlfriend who is 14 and he gets caught. You don't get off the sex offender registries. EVER. And it CAN and WILL happen if she gets preg or angry at him - pretty much if she says they had sex and her folks say they foudn them having sex or a friend of the girl's corroborates it, then your son is DONE.

I hate to scare you, I know drugs and alcohol are awful, but you can get through rehab and people are a LOT more understanding about that than statutory rape and being on the sex offender registry. Can you, your husband, and your ex all get together on this to save your son? If it is true love then they will still be in love when they are legally able to be together, Know what I mean??

 

[ostate2003]

Thanks Susie -

Yes we live in Oklahoma and I understand the seriousness of every bad decision he is making....I'm just helpless to do anything about it. At this point, he wont take any of our calls, return our texts or agree to talk. I would love to know a police officer, etc. to help me at least scare the **** out of him or get the point across regarding this girl - but I don't. My emotions are all over the place and just trying to maintain to make logical decisions and not freak out for the rest of my family. It's just soooo hard to focus or figure out what the next step is/will be or how to make a decision on the unknown!!!!!

 

[toughlovin]

You might call the local police station anonymously (not from your house phone) and ask to talk to whoever handles sexual assault cases. Tell them anonymously that you have a concern about a young man you know who is in a relationship with an underage girl and see if they have any suggestions about what you should do?

The problem with the girl being under the age of consent is that legally she cannot consent... so even if she is begging your son to have sex with her, she is not considered to have consented. I think this is hard in this day and age for our difficult child sons... who really have no clue. So to your son she is willing (and probably is) but legally she is not. Somehow he needs to understand that...

TL

 

[Gr8Gramma]

Hi Ostate. I am a newbie also, and have gone through many of the things you are going through. I just wanted to post some info on statutory rape laws in your state. I got these off a legal site, hope this gives you a little ammo.

Under Oklahoma law, sexual intercourse with a person considered legally unable to consent is considered statutory rape. Oklahoma statutes include the following as unable to give legal consent:

• Those under the age of 16
• Those incapable of giving legal consent due to mental illness or unsoundness of mind (temporary or permanent)
• Those under the supervision or legal custody of a state agency, county, municipality, or political subdivision who engage in sexual activity with an employee or contractor of the authority. This includes relationships between teachers and students, even if the student is between the ages of 16 and 20.

Commonly, statutory rape occurs when a person under the age of 16 (Oklahoma's age of consent) becomes involved in a seemingly consensual sexual relationship with a person at least 3 years older who is over the age of 18. Remember, even if a person under 16 consents to sexual intercourse, the state of Oklahoma deems that person legally unable to give consent. If a 19-year-old high school senior had "consensual" sex with his 15-year-old girlfriend, he would be guilty of second degree rape under Oklahoma law. Under Oklahoma sentencing guidelines, he would be subject to up to 15 years in prison and would have to register for life as an aggravated sex offender.
Additionally, if the couple were found to have engaged in oral sex, the young man could be found guilty of forcible oral sodomy, which carries up to a 20-year sentence for the first offense.
If the victim is under the age of 14, the defendant may be charged with first degree rape, which carries a minimum sentence of 5 years in prisonhttp://newsok.com/death-penalty-for-child-rape-clears-senate-panel/article/3448910?custom_click=rss.
While the above example describes an older boyfriend and younger girlfriend, Oklahoma statutory rape laws are not specific to gender. A woman over the age of 18 who has sexual intercourse or oral sex with a boy under the age of 16 is guilty of statutory rape. The law also applies to same-sex relationships.
Oklahoma statutory rape is a strict liability offense. This means that, regardless of the intent, if a person over the age of 18 has sexual intercourse with a person under the age of 16, he or she is guilty of statutory rape. Whether the encounter was consensual and whether the couple were in a steady relationship are of no consequence. If the sex occurred, the statutory rape occurred.

 

[buddy]

I know this is the law but there are some cases that I think this just goes too far. Especially when a developmentally challenged difficult child is with a truly willing younger partner whether or not a girl or boy....the younger can be more sophisticated. I knew a very very innocent boy, super naieve who was 19 and a sr. He was super cute but very delayed. A quite young girl asked him for a date, of course he wanted to go. She admitted and was happy to be in charge....(All the kids in this school were deaf/hard of hearing). Nothing happened with the legal system but I did worry about him. It would not only be wrong but a waste of tax payer money and use of the authorities to have had him register on a sex offender list for life. I get frustrated with not having any common sense in the law.