New member needs support

[Sherril2000]

This is all so true. I hit rock bottom last night. I was so happy to find this site & all the support & words of wisdom offered here. Sorry to hear, though, all the pain so many have been through. I don't know if my son will ever change, but I'm praying he will. Until then, though, I'm not letting him manipulate me any further!

 

[Estranged2015]

Look at the lower right corner of the posted text. There is a list of icons there.... like, agree, funny, winner, etc.

Right, don't you find that once you hit one the others disappear? Just wondering if I'm doing it wrong.

 

[Estranged2015]

Hugs, Estranged.

Stay close to this board; it is a major lifeline--especially when you feel in the depths of it all. It is still a huge source of inspiration to husband and me, though we are NO LONGER in that dark place.

My difficult child is 34. Although he has never played the molested card, he has claimed every other sort of abuse/neglect/favoritism (for our other kids). The difficult child will claim every thing he/she can dredge up to make you the bad guy. Their poor choices are totally your fault. And, it works while we allow it. We try to fluff up pillows around them with money, sweet words, apologies, etc. to help them back on their feet.

Until, one day....we get it. They are manipulating us. Using us. They do not care, one iota, the effect it has on us. They are out for one person--themselves. They will say whatever, as you said, pushes our buttons.

Seems to me that you are on the cusp--about to turn a corner and probably already turning that corner. Good for you. Because, you are starting the journey to reclaim your dignity, yourself. You knew the things he said were not true. Now, it is your time to live it like you know it.

husband and I had to hit rock bottom, but it finally happened and our lives have gotten so much better. We always heard difficult child would hit rock bottom and change. Uh, no...that may take forever! He certainly seemed to hit rock bottom several times, but no change.

I am not sure we would have ever turned around, had we not found this forum. We thought we were tied into difficult child's abusive ways forever. He was our firstborn, one of our beloved children. How could we turn around and walk away?

We did and life has changed. Has difficult child changed? No. But, we keep hope.

Thank you, SeekingStrength. You're right that I'm just starting to turn this corner. I don't think my son has any inkling that I am learning new ways to live, and I know he won't like it. Thanks for sharing your experience. You're right that my son blames everything not right in his life on me, and doesn't care how I feel at all. I hope his lack of feeling extends only to me. Anyhow, I feel more encouraged after talking with folks here. I put Aspire on my phone today, and I've found an alanon meeting, too, for next week. Good for me!

 

[Tanya M]

Right, don't you find that once you hit one the others disappear? Just wondering if I'm doing it wrong.

You can only select one. Also, just above where you type is a ribbon of icons, the smiley face will open up other fun things.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

We have a right and deserve to have a home that is our sanctuary

I like to think of it this way---I can only keep my side of the street clean.

There is no guarantee that our troubled adult children will change if we change but I believe there is virtually no chance they will change if we don't.

my instinct is to just not enter into his games.

I am glad you are here with us now, Estranged. That you can see what your child is doing for the game it is ~ that's huge. It is horrifying to realize our own children are so cold-blooded, so manipulative. Alone, we wonder what is the matter with us for thinking such thoughts. Here together, we can validate what is real for one another.

Cedar

 

[2much2recover]

Welcome Estranged. I just wanted to add what a lot of people don't understand about domestic violence. For some reason people only believe that domestic violence happens between spouses/partners and never accept that the same types of domestic violence issues are coming from their own children. The types of behavior covered under DV include: physical, mental and emotional abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, and finally financial abuse. Just because he (may) have suffered some kind of abuse in the past does not make it OK for him to abuse you. The domestic Violence Centers take all domestic abuse situations seriously and as was previously posted provides counseling and safety for those times when your son is being abusive. I also agree that with a violent MAN, even one that is your son, you have to provide for your own safety and security first! You have a RIGHT to a peaceful and stress free life.
If I were you I wouldn't worry about your son not taking you up on the therapy. I offered the same for my daughter and all I paid for mostly was missed appointments. Also try not to offer to your son things that strain your budget - you are giving him mixed signals that you have the money but you are only willing to part with it if he does what you tell him to do with it. I say our (adult) children have no business knowing what our financial business is and the best thing we can do is to mirror their "I'm broke" back to them because if you don't they will always turn to you with another financial situation that only you can fix. Seems these kind of people aren't happy until they have picked the carcass! LOL

 

[Estranged2015]

Very, very enlightening, 2much. I too haven't thought that a "child" can actually abuse a parent, though I've accepted that he is "abusive." Just hadn't quite made the last few inches of the connection. Your words also explain why he is so interested in knowing how much money I earn, and wise me up about the chances that he'll actually do therapy. Once again, I was thinking as if he were like me, which he is not. He is actually much more like my father, an abuser, and his own father, who coldheartedly abandoned us when he discovered (in his own mind) that our son was "defective" and it was all my fault. (Son had a lot of infantile seizures, didn't learn to talk for a long time, and eventually, long after father vanished, had trouble learning. Hence the private special-ed school.)

Writing this all out makes me realize how much it has been to deal with.

Seeing the responses clicked by members gives me heart, but I have to admit that though I've been taking concrete positive steps, I'm not in great shape. I spent yesterday in bed, the first time I've done that when not sick. Doing ANYTHING was too much. I am trying to put one foot in front of the other.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I'm not in great shape. I spent yesterday in bed, the first time I've done that when not sick. Doing ANYTHING was too much. I am trying to put one foot in front of the other.

Sometimes, these kinds of acknowledgements of the depths of our true, real, living, agonizing despair can be a beginning for us. Especially as we begin to change the way we see our children and our roles in their lives, it all becomes overwhelming, conflicted. We do become tired. What we miss sometimes is that we are tired because we are changing.

It takes more energy than we have, to do what we are doing.

But just look at you, Estranged! Here you are, making change happen.

Change is so hard. It drains our energy. But here is the good part: Once we have seen that better way, we do not unsee it. We find the courage somewhere to say what we now know must be said, and we stick to our guns most of the time. We are not so lost, so alone and uncertain anymore, because we have one another, now.

We have been where you are now Estranged, and we came through it. I seem to have taken a little longer than most, but no one seems to mind. When I need to go through something, there everyone is for me. It will be the same, for you.

Each of us remembers her time on the Cross.

***

Here is something that may help.

Samurai to Zen Master: "Tell me the nature of Heaven and Hell."

"Why would I tell a worthless scab like you anything!" the Zen Master replied, staring directly into the samurai's eyes.

Consumed by blinding rage, the samurai draws his sword and raises it high to slice the Master's neck.

"That's Hell." the Zen Master said.

Instantly, the samurai understands he has just created his own Hell. Black, hot, filled with hatred, self-protection, anger and resentment. He sees tht he was so deep in Hell he was ready to kill his Master, whom he loved. Tears filled his eyes as he bowed in gratitude to the Master for his insight.

"That's Heaven." the Zen Master said.

Pema Chodron
Comfortable with Uncertainty

Our Recovering Enabler posted that some time ago for us, so we could understand how to see our pain in a new way.

***

"And between our eyes and hands and mouths there now flows a constant stream of tenderness ~ a stream in which all petty desires seem to have been extinguished. All that matters now is to be kind to each other with all the goodness that is in us.

And every encounter is also a farewell."

Etty Hilesum
The Diaries of Etty Hilesum

***

When our lives fell apart, I learned that creating new facets of self was the only way I could truly survive it, was the only way I could truly put it behind me.

Like we all do, I loved my kids heart and soul and devil take the hindmost. It destroyed some essential something in me to lose them.

I suffered, as you are suffering, now.

Then...the grandchildren came.

We have six.

Hostages to fortune, prisoners of the heart.

I don't know who it was who said that, first.

***

There are places in my heart where I will always mourn, where I will suffer. the difference now is that I cherish myself for my bravery, for my strength and courage and kindness. I acknowledge how awfully hard this has been. I honor myself for my losses and I have learned gratitude, deep and sustaining gratitude, for the living blessing that is my life, after all.

Anyway, in creating other facets of self, I: Took a degree; I learned ballet; I began a study of the martial arts. I took up yoga. I volunteered for Hospice. I volunteered for an art gallery. I now work in an art gallery. I help teach a Tai Chi class. (I have two kids. Ahem. :O) If I had had more than two children, there is no telling how wealthy or famous I might be, today. That was a joke.)

:O)

One thing I did that I would not do again is put away my own dreams to punish myself, or to bargain with God, or to barter for the success of my children. I did those things, and they did not work. My talent is my own of course, and I am still who I was, but time is precious, and those years when I might have created that deep down reality I dreamed for myself are past, now.

Don't do that.

Whatever your dreams were before you had a child, go for them, now.

Honor you pain, Estranged. It is very real. You will learn to incorporate it, to make it part of yourself, and go on. Here is a quote from a very wise mom right here on this Board:

"It is what it is.
Part of my life but not the defining force."

Fran

***

drkathleenmccoy.blogspot.com

***

"I am ashamed of these tears and yet
at the extreme of my misfortune
I am ashamed not to shed them."

Euripides

***

One of the wise mom's here, a little out of patience with me I think, told me to read and read this again, until it helped me. I did that, and it did help me. Here it is, for you, Estranged. You will make it through this. Everything is going to work out. Our lives may not look very much like the lives we dreamed for ourselves and for our children, but they are our lives, and they are good, good lives.

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
the Courage to change the things I can
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

I wish there were something I could write to take the pain away. I cannot. Each of us has to walk through this alone. At the end, we are very strong women...but it is a hard, hard journey. In a way, now that you have found us, it is like you are lost in a dark, scary place. There, at the far away distance that you can see, is a light.

That's us.

We have been alone and afraid and so desperate in the dark, too.

But then, we found one another.

And now, you are here with us.

Prayers going up for you and for your child, Estranged. I am so sorry this happened to you, too.

I know how hard this is. You are going to come through it, whole and strong.

I did.

And boy, it didn't look like I was EVER going to get it. I still fall back into the hellishness of it sometimes. I am getting stronger, though. I am more honestly kind now, I think.

That is harder.

I seem to go for the hard things, now.

Cedar

 

[TerryJ2]

Welcome, Estranged.
How painful this all is.
I feel for you.
I agree with the others.
It does appear that you are taking the right steps ... changing the locks, creating some boundaries. It's a huge learning process.
Nice to meet you, but so sorry we had to.

 

[2much2recover]

I too haven't thought that a "child" can actually abuse a parent, though I've accepted that he is "abusive." Just hadn't quite made the last few inches of the connection. Your words also explain why he is so interested in knowing how much money I earn,

I also wish to tell you that just as domestic violence applies to your situation - so does your states stalking laws if you ask him to leave you alone because you are afraid of him.
Some here, like me go no contact with our children (for different reasons - my daughter is a 40 year old sociopath who mentally and emotionally abuses me and would financially abuse me if I wasn't wise to her ways) Others choose, what I learned here - low contact - a space in your relationship where you have limited contact on your terms, often in a public place, and as long as the child is being respectful.
Since it is only you and your son, and because of the abusive behaviors your son operates with, you MUST find a way to fund both your retirement and someone ELSE to have power of attorney over you later in life should you need it. These types of children can not be trusted to take care of us when we are frail and elderly. I hope this information opens your eyes, and gives you a reason to say NO when your son is either demanding money or trying to pry into you personal financial situation.

I am sorry you spent the day in bed overwhelmed but trust me, the tears, the deep and dark emotions are all a natural part of grieving for the child we once thought we had vs the way the reality of what they have become. It will come and go sometimes in waves.............but it is natural to have these kind of emotions when you are letting go of the dysfunctional people in your life. Try to remember that your relationship with your child never ends. What it does do is change. Even people who don't have problematic children often go through grief cycles, mostly called empty nest syndrome. Although you situation is different in the way that your son is problematic, it is the same in that in both situations the parent must let go and let the child go on with their life. And it is also true that you must go on with your life. You have lived many years either in fear or at the beck and call of your child and now it is time for you to move on to having a life of your own. Cry, rage, pity party are all OK. Then DREAM and do whatever your heart tells you to do find the happiness you deserve in your own life.