New member problem with daughter

[Ann M Kaspick]

Hello, I am currently four years separated from a 21-year marriage. I have two children. My daughter is 22 and my son is 19. I am a good mother. I love my children and we were close and did a lot of things together. I never missed an activity they participated in and I have always been an honest, hard-working role model. My husband was a very involved father as well. He and I grew apart over the years because I believe the children became too much the center of things in our life. We lost our way and as the kids approached college years we saw that we didn’t know each other anymore. I was the one to end the marriage. Honestly, it was already over, it was just the paperwork that needed it finalized. When I went to file for divorce I discovered many things that showed my husband was living a double life. He had always done our income tax returns and I found out that after starting his own business three years earlier, he said he had filed them but never did. I also discovered 11 years earlier that he had prepared my mom’s taxes after my dad died and he stole her identity and got a credit card in her name and spent $7,000. My family never told me because they didn’t want to see my young kids with a split up family. And I also discovered he had a girlfriend. My kids asked me about these things as they were unraveling and I was honest with them. My son informed me that when he and his sister were in middle school he discovered on his dad’s computer that he had been hooking up with other women. My son told my daughter and she told him not to tell me or I would leave their dad. They confronted their dad and he brushed it off and it was never brought up again until they told me when I filed for divorce. It was four years ago that I left their dad. Even though I will admit it seems hard to believe I did not know about these things, I did not. I was busy raising my kids, working, and when my husband said he filed the taxes, I trusted him. I am guilty of trusting everyone I love.
That was four years ago that I found it out and filed for divorce. My husband was the breadwinner. I always worked but worked around taking care of my kids. Right before the separation I got a job at a local university. It meant free tuition for my kids and me if I wanted it. It was $32,000 a year for free. My daughter started that year. I went back to school too and my son is now in his second year. I don’t have much money until I graduate in May but they won’t have a tuition bill because of me. I have done my best to put myself back together. Since the split I have trained for and ran a full marathon and am months shy of earning my bachelor’s degree. My daughter and I will graduate together.
The thing is, since the separation, my daughter blames me. My son is good to me and is not happy with his dad but maintains a relationship with him. My daughter gradually pushed me away until where we are at now.
In February of this year she wanted some baby pictures to make something for her dad’s birthday. I have all the baby pictures and her dad and I still had to work that out and she was living in a sorority house so I explained to her that I didn’t want her to just take the pictures from my apartment but i would pay $80 to have 200 pictures scanned as individual jpegs and put on a flashdrive and I bought a $30 scanner and said she could come over and scan as many as she wanted to her computer or flashdrive and make copies. I hurried up and did this in time for her dad’s birthday. She came by my office and picked up the flashdrive. She was mad I still wouldn’t hand them over and said she was going to come to my apartment one day and just take them. I told her no she wasn’t. I know this is a crappy situation but this is the solution I came up with and I want her to respect it. I even went and got the pictures and took them to my office for two weeks because she kept threatening to come take them because she had a key to my place but hadn’t been there in six months. After two weeks I put them back in my apartment. Fast forward nine months and one day I wanted to look up my kids blood type and I thought it was recorded in their baby books. I went to get them and they weren’t there. I looked everywhere. I texted her and she said yes she took them back in February like she said she was going to. I felt completely violated. I told her I demanded she give them back. She called me terrible names and said it wasn’t happening that she was going to give them back and I really didn’t know what else to do so I told her I would file a report with the police or she could just give them back, it was her choice. She told me I was a psycho and after her brother stepped in she decided to give them back. And I asked for my key back saying that she is still welcome to come to my home but she can’t be trusted with my key. That was at the end of October and a week and a half later I texted her and said “what has to happen for us to get past this?” I didn’t apologize because I don’t feel I did anything wrong but she didn’t respond. I invited her and her brother to Thanksgiving dinner like we do every year. My son came to the dinner. She texted me the night before and said she won’t be coming because she feels I need to apologize. I told her I was sorry she felt that way but that I don’t have anything to apologize for. I am heartbroken and miss her terribly. I love myself though and don’t believe in the disrespect. She called me horrible things I can’t type here. I couldn’t believe my own daughter said that about her own mother. Can anyone help me to know where to go from here? It hurts so much and I do fear she will continue on with life without me and her dad supports anything that leaves me in the dust. I appreciate your response. ~Ann

 

[BusynMember]

Just some thoughts.

Divorce often causes division and split loyalty and the better parent, fair or not, does not always get the majority of the affection. This is a fact. A sad one.

Although I understand wanting to keep the pictures, as soon as my kids left the nest I handed them their baby books. Is this issue worth your relationship? Only you can answer that. Was there some resentment that she wanted to give the pictures to her dad? Again, only you know. Adult.kids especially dealing with a fairly fresh divorce can be tricky. Although you had much reason, your daughter may resent that you filed for divorce. She obviously feels for her father, right or wrong.

These are things we cant control.

I think this is a lot up to you and you have to fo what YOU feel is the right thung for YOU. You can apoligize or not.

It was wrong of your daughter to take your photos but she obviously felt strongly about it and plans to return them.

I hope you can come to a good resolution. This is tough

Love and light!!

 

[Smithmom]

As we become adults we start to see the world differently. And we continue to change how we see the world for some years. Having said that, I wonder what brought you here. What you describe is normal in a divorce. Kids can feel like they need to take sides and parents can be hurt because they think kids are doing so. It doesn't rise to the level of conduct disorder. She shouldn't have entered your apt without permission or taken property without permission. I'd change the locks. Expressing her anger with foul language is inapproporiate.

Can you change this? Not in the short term. Wait it out. Continue to be the loving, supportive Mom you are. Any guy who would steal his in laws identity, etc, etc will do something to her eventually. She'll see the full picture. If not before, when she needs help some day she'll see who she can really count on. When she has kids of her own she'll figure out how hard it was for you, how you were the one who kept it all together.

Is there something else? You say you and she are both graduating. Is your future looking brighter than hers? Certainly a situation ripe for jealousy if she doesn't have a job lined up.