New to Forum: Daughter Seems "Done" with Me

[KansasKathy]

Hello. Grateful to have found this forum after 3-4 years of my situation. Facts: Oldest daughter married, has my only 2 grandchildren ages 3 and 1-1/2. Great relationship in the past in strong Christian home, although her father and I divorced when she was 13. I was in graduate school and "not there" when she needed me when she was first married. She lives 10 minutes from me. Have tried for 3 years to re-establish relationship, but I am granted limited "visitation rights" to her and children. She has made it clear that a relationship with me is not something she really needs or wants. Not sure what I did to "not be forgiven," but she seems to not want me in her life. Others in similar situations, can you offer advice? Do you need more info than this? Thank you.

 

[BusynMember]

This is sadly common today and often we dont know what we did. Very often this coincides with a significant other who doesnt like you and often the reasons why are vague. This happened to me. I had a lovely son I adopted from abroad at age six. Literally he was wonderful until he met his wife. She wanted him all to herself is what most of us think and we could be right or wrong, but why doesnt matter. We were never told. He cut us all off then, after three silent year allowed my ex only back in his life, but on his strict terms

Nothing worked to find out why or to try to re establish contact. An adoption psycologist told us that older adoptees often just cant bond correctly due to being in orphanages and unloved in the formative years. So we quit trying. It just was treated as a joke by he and wife, which hurt. We dont know his two kids. This is what I did. It may not be right for you, but it worked for me so I offer my experience

After therapy about this for two years I realized I cant control son or wife. I decided to spend my time on my loved ones who loved me back and not beg for nuggets from those who are unlovimg.

Besides starting to love myself, I focused on my husband and four children who do love me, that I can love back.

It worked. Eight or nine years later my life is peaceful and good and I have two other grandchildren. I care about me too much to grovel for attention. No matter who it is. I can not help that I could not adopt son at a younger age so he could bond better. I can not help his wifes attitude.

I wish you good luck and offer hugs for your hurting heart.

 

[InsaneCdn]

her father and I divorced when she was 13.

I was in graduate school and "not there" when she needed me when she was first married.

Not sure what I did to "not be forgiven," but she seems to not want me in her life.

In my opinion, it's not about forgiveness. It's about trust. Having been badly hurt twice, she may feel strongly that she doesn't want to get too close to you again, because she doesn't want to risk getting hurt. Trust is very hard to gain back. For a minimum it takes a lot of time and a lot of willingness to go with the flow and accept the fact that you are not trusted.

In some ways you are fortunate that you even have "limited visiting rights". Some kids will do a 100% cut-off. Take what you have, work with it. It may even help to get some help for yourself. A therapist for ourselves has been a significant help to many of us on this board.

 

[Tanya M]

Welcome KansasKathy,

How heartbreaking for you. You may never know why your daughter feels the way she does. There are people who have been very close as parent and child and then one day one or the other for whatever reason changes and that in turn changes the relationship.

While she has made it clear to you that she does not want or need a relationship with you she is still willing to allow you time with your grandchildren and that is something you can cherish and build on. Be the best grandmother you can be and build a bond with your grands. When you are around your daughter tell her you love her but don't expect her to reciprocate.

You have no control over your daughter or how she chooses to live her life. You only have control over you and how you choose to respond to whatever life throws your way.

In time your daughter may come around and decide she wants to have a closer relationship with you.

((HUGS)) for you hurting heart.

 

[haunter]

That's honestly a heart breaking story.
She may be holding a grudge for the divorce.
You never know.

I wish you and your daughter's relationship the best of luck.
May you rekindle the spark that y'all hand when y'all were younger.

 

[Childofmine]

Hi KK and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry about your relationship with your daughter. Do you think her husband is part of the reason she has distanced herself from you? Or her dad?

I just remember needing my mom's involvement when I first had children. In fact, that is when i really began to see things from her perspective more and more.

Is there a chance she would come with you to a therapist? If not I would go to therapy myself to have a safe place to talk about it and get a perspective that, at the very least, will help you, and possibly get some ideas to try to repair the relationship.

I am just so sorry for the estrangement. As a young adult I was almost too dependent on my mom. Later on, she and I had some necessary distance for a while...created by me as I detached from her. She was always a wonderful mother...I just didn't know how to separate in a healthy way as a young adult. It was on me.

Today we are very close in a healthy way. She is 83.

Hang in there. Relationships change, and I am hoping for a change in a positive direction for you and for her. We are glad you Are here.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

I too detached from Mother in my early twenties when I was myself was going through a divorce and needed her. She liked my ex-husband and felt sorry for him and told him where I was living. He was a wife-beater, but he was such a Clark Gable smooth talker and she fell into his "web". So I didn't talk to her for about a year. But then, tragedy occurred. I got a call from Aunt that my Mom had breast cancer and had weeks to live. I visited her as often as I could but I was close to having 2nd son and she died when I was in hospital with son. I held a grudge and I regret it now many many years later.

I think sometimes in early twenties we hold grudges with our parents and we need time to sort it all out if we are justified or not in our feelings. At the time, I felt justified. I always thought she would be around and didn't know our time would be cut short. She died when I was 24 and she was 49. I wish I had been emotionally mature enough to know how to have handled the situation better, not rejecting her totally, but able to keep communication ongoing, but at a distance. My Mother and Father put my sister in an orphanage after having lost our two brothers as infants which destroyed them and their marriage. So at an early age I saw things as "rejection" and anytime someone was going to hurt me, or hurt me, I rejected them first before they could reject me. I have healed from that "way of handling people". But it took many years to see what I was doing.

My daughter went through a stage of "why didn't you do more arts and crafts with me", why didn't you do this or that, etc. I told her I had 3 children, worked full-time, one child being special needs and I did the best I could. I apologized. Fast forward years later, we are very close and have a great relationship. She had to sort out her feelings- I gave her time to do so. In early twenties I think folks are very "me" centered and when they get to their 30's and have had children, experience life situations, ups and downs, curve balls that life throws us, our kids mature and come back to us.

I agree with others, enjoy the limited time, love those who love you and want to be with you, focus on those folks. Be there if she wants to heal from her hurts and wounds. It all takes time, but live every day to the fullest. Find Joy in every day.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

Hello. Grateful to have found this forum after 3-4 years of my situation. Facts: Oldest daughter married, has my only 2 grandchildren ages 3 and 1-1/2. Great relationship in the past in strong Christian home, although her father and I divorced when she was 13. I was in graduate school and "not there" when she needed me when she was first married. She lives 10 minutes from me. Have tried for 3 years to re-establish relationship, but I am granted limited "visitation rights" to her and children. She has made it clear that a relationship with me is not something she really needs or wants. Not sure what I did to "not be forgiven," but she seems to not want me in her life. Others in similar situations, can you offer advice? Do you need more info than this? Thank you.

A lot of times, they don't truly believe that you did something that needs their forgiveness. It is just so much easier to justify their actions by shifting the blame. It is deflection. If only they can convince themselves that it isn't them.... I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I would say to give it time. My twin sister has done the exact same thing. When she was first arrested in Reno, she tried to tell the judge that she was doing the things she did because my aunt and uncle were so bad to her. Now, I cannot stress enough how ridiculous that claim was, and she knew it was horse when she said it. She did it to try to avoid accountability for her own poor choices. However, because of that, she is never able to live here with us when she isn't in jail. Judge believed her , and is not going to sanction sending her back to such a hell hole, filled with rotten monsters like myself, my senior aunt and uncle, and her own child. Your daughter may be doing something similar to this. I wouldn't take it too personally. Though, my aunt did. It broke her heart. Had her in tears. It just pissed me and my uncle off, but deeply hurt my aunt who has done nothing but support her in every way.