New Year New Attitude

[Weary Mother]

Hello everyone!! I have been quite busy for the last couple of months, some of it the holidays and some of it just taking care of everyday living things. I have been trying to take one day at a time and not worry about things that might or not happen. That is easier to say than do. The thing I have the hardest time with is that at night when I try to sleep this is when I allow all this to run in my head. Then I can't sleep. Plus some things that are actually happening can make it harder to ignore things that might not happen. For instance, my car has had issues and to make a long story short after replacing several headlights at a cost of at least $75.00 each, I was told that my headlight seals were bad and it would cost $700.00 to replace, which was not what I was told by another mechanic. As it turned out it was the wiring and GM put out a service bulletin on how to fix but I still paid $215.00 just to replace the wiring and one headlight. Now my hot water heater is going out, so of course I lay awake at night and everything that is wrong in the world bothers me including what is happening to both of my adult children. The son in prison is stuck there until his sentence is ended, daughter in Missouri is still there but I dont hear much from her, which again I run that around in my head worrying, but so far have not given in and meddled. if she wants to call me fine, otherwise I feel that a relationship is two ways and since she doesnt call I dont over worry about it either. As I have said, this stuff is not easy but I try. How is everyone else?

 

[RN0441]

Jodie

Financial constraints can really pull one down but we only can do what we can do and fix what we can fix. Car repairs and home repairs are not as much fun as buying a new dress or going out to eat! Hate to spend money on that stuff. Yuck.

I think you just need to focus on YOU and what makes you happy. Life is so short. Your boys are more than adults and have to fix their own lives and problems. It's not your job.

I am trying to be like I was when I was younger and before I had children. They are grown now, I have done my part as a mother. My Difficult Child is stable for now but one never knows what tomorrow brings.

In 2017 I am trying to be MORE thankful for the good in my life and taking the BEST care of myself that I ever have!

 

[mof]

Hi Jodie..

New year..New attitude? I'm trying to not worry so much too!

Had good Holidays...I had one of our boys go to London with his band over break, but before he left his friend's brother was killed....drug issues, senseless violence. A family's their son, only murder in our town in the year. This was a lot for a 16 yr old , but he stood by his side thru the trip. We went to the funeral....I think it hit me hard be cause of our son...

Difficult Child is working full-time and so far so good. We share a car, it he is saving just about everything he makes...his court date is the 17th...just some probation he agreed too, but he is taking his responsibities seriously.

Hubby has continued to be active in prison ministry and I. Wanting to return to work this year.

So we are moving along, navigating the bumps along the way. So far.....so good!?

 

[JaneBetty]

Jodiehooks, I've followed along with your struggles, and I'm sorry for your current financial worries and that your mind just won't let you rest.
You're a SWEETIE for asking how everyone else is doing on top of all the things you've had to cope with : )

 

[Weary Mother]

MOF: Thanks for your post. How sad that your son's friend was murdered. That has to be hard for him. My first son was killed in an accident and my 2nd son, his only brother was terribly affected by it. They were aged 25 and 23 at the time so I know it was hard on them. And your husbands prison ministry, good for him. I have an interest in that but have no idea of how to proceed to actually getting involved. I have finally gotten through all the holiday stress and now it is just normal stress. My difficult daughter, living 500 miles from me, has lost her job due to a combination of illness and transportation issues. I am so sad for her and it strikes terror in my heart thinking of her future, she is to be 47 this year.

Tandemdame: Nice to hear from you also, and I do find that in focusing on others it does help me not think of all my own problems. I will take it one day at a time with the money issues, but worrying about my adult kids really causes me most of the anxiety. I manage to focus on myself enough to do what I need to do. I am single, with a long term boyfriend and I work, own a home and am self sufficient in many ways. But with a daughter who cant function and has had addictions issues and a son in jail for drugs it does cause me a certain degree of anxiety. This forum is a very helpful place for me and I know for others. I really appreciate all the people on here who share unconditionally and without judgment. And it does help to have input, even though I do know that none of us can advise each other, it helps to get another perspective on things.

 

[JaneBetty]

You know, Jodiehooks, it is true that none of us can advise each other, but I think what this forum does is give us permission to act in a direction that we want to go in, but that we lack the conviction to go towards, if this makes any sense. And getting input from others helps facilitate change, which is what everyone is seeking.

No two stories are the same, but there is a certain amount of rhyming that goes on in this forum. Posters recognize something in someone's story that triggers an empathetic, knowing response which is invaluable!

I wish you freedom from the worries over your children. I know what it is like to wonder and worry all the time over offspring. It sounds like you have other positive things in your life. Focusing on those things that give you happiness doesn't mean that you love your children less.

 

[Weary Mother]

You know, Jodiehooks, it is true that none of us can advise each other, but I think what this forum does is give us permission to act in a direction that we want to go in, but that we lack the conviction to go towards, if this makes any sense. And getting input from others helps facilitate change, which is what everyone is seeking.

No two stories are the same, but there is a certain amount of rhyming that goes on in this forum. Posters recognize something in someone's story that triggers an empathetic, knowing response which is invaluable!

I wish you freedom from the worries over your children. I know what it is like to wonder and worry all the time over offspring. It sounds like you have other positive things in your life. Focusing on those things that give you happiness doesn't mean that you love your children less.

Tandemdame, so true!! I don't know why some people have more trouble letting go than others do. I agonize over my adult children at time and other times seem to be able to rest easy. And for me, input from others does help me get my own focus in line.

 

[Childofmine]

Hi Jodie, so glad to hear your focus is right now on you. I know car problems and spending money on car problems is particularly annoying and frustrating, but the progress here is that your focus is on you and not on your grown children and their issues. And you are so right, thinking about others and their needs is the best way to get ourselves off our own selves.

On Saturday, I found myself getting too involved with Difficult Child's efforts to find a new place to live. I got invested in the outcome and when he didn't see it my way, I got resentful. That was a good wakeup call to me, and a strong reminder about boundaries. Even now, that he is doing so much better, there is always something to learn about how involved to get with him (and everybody else of course). What is help? What is going too far? What is enabling? What is manipulating and controlling and trying to fix? I wonder if I will ever be cured of the slide from helping to wanting to manage.

At one point he said to me: Mom, you aren't listening. You're just telling me what to do.

He was so right. I thought his thinking was all backward, but you know what, it's HIS thinking and his life and his challenge, not mine. I was a little miffed at the time but after thinking about it, I realized I had gone too far (once again) with my "helping." Providing ideas and contacts is one thing. Expecting him to make the decision I think is best is another thing.

This process of learning never ends, Jodie. I'm glad you're on the path with us.

 

[Weary Mother]

Hi Jodie, so glad to hear your focus is right now on you. I know car problems and spending money on car problems is particularly annoying and frustrating, but the progress here is that your focus is on you and not on your grown children and their issues. And you are so right, thinking about others and their needs is the best way to get ourselves off our own selves.

On Saturday, I found myself getting too involved with Difficult Child's efforts to find a new place to live. I got invested in the outcome and when he didn't see it my way, I got resentful. That was a good wakeup call to me, and a strong reminder about boundaries. Even now, that he is doing so much better, there is always something to learn about how involved to get with him (and everybody else of course). What is help? What is going too far? What is enabling? What is manipulating and controlling and trying to fix? I wonder if I will ever be cured of the slide from helping to wanting to manage.

At one point he said to me: Mom, you aren't listening. You're just telling me what to do.

He was so right. I thought his thinking was all backward, but you know what, it's HIS thinking and his life and his challenge, not mine. I was a little miffed at the time but after thinking about it, I realized I had gone too far (once again) with my "helping." Providing ideas and contacts is one thing. Expecting him to make the decision I think is best is another thing.

This process of learning never ends, Jodie. I'm glad you're on the path with us.

Child: thank you so much for your reply. I am only on the forum sporadically because I don't have a computer at home so I post and read at work when I find time. I work part time managing a small but growing office for a relative. I am doing for me yes, but still there are nights when I get to thinking of the future and my adult children's problems, the economy and how it will affect all the low income or no income people and how if I move away, when they need someone I will not physically be near, and on and on. For the most part I do go about life as I need to and try to put good things in my life, but find some depression and anxiety that won't completely leave. I am so sad that my children's lives are in such terrible shape. I expected to have adult kids that worked, lived a "normal" middle class life with the normal struggles that we all have. I did not expect to have adult kids who just could not function in society due to addictions and mental issues. I guess that is what I need to work on, accepting that they are not "normal" and will have a compromised life indefinitely unless something miraculous happens. That is so painful to think about and I just cry at times over it. And I relate to your remarks about wanting to help then resenting the reaction from the child when they don't see it our way. But you sound like you accept that this is his right to think as he does and that your help could be seen differently by him. I have had to back up and ask my self too, what really is help? Sometimes help is critical, such as if a fire burns down your house and you need a place to go and food. But at other times "help" by providing a difficult child that same place to sleep and food can be enabling. I was told in a forum for family of addicts that you can BE something to your loved one, but not DO for them what they can and should do for themselves. I think I get hung up on not allowing them to struggle long enough to figure out how to DO for them self's because I can't stand to see them suffer. I see them suffer and rush in and try to advise and provide an immediate answer but then the pattern repeats itself and I have to repeat all the rescuing again and again. Nice to hear from you Child!!

 

[BusynMember]

But what will happen when you are no longer here? Will they know how to get help themselves without you? This crosses my mind and it is a big reason I was able to let go. I can't stick around forever and don't want it to be such a shock.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

Hi Jodie, so glad to hear your focus is right now on you. I know car problems and spending money on car problems is particularly annoying and frustrating, but the progress here is that your focus is on you and not on your grown children and their issues. And you are so right, thinking about others and their needs is the best way to get ourselves off our own selves.

On Saturday, I found myself getting too involved with Difficult Child's efforts to find a new place to live. I got invested in the outcome and when he didn't see it my way, I got resentful. That was a good wakeup call to me, and a strong reminder about boundaries. Even now, that he is doing so much better, there is always something to learn about how involved to get with him (and everybody else of course). What is help? What is going too far? What is enabling? What is manipulating and controlling and trying to fix? I wonder if I will ever be cured of the slide from helping to wanting to manage.

At one point he said to me: Mom, you aren't listening. You're just telling me what to do.

He was so right. I thought his thinking was all backward, but you know what, it's HIS thinking and his life and his challenge, not mine. I was a little miffed at the time but after thinking about it, I realized I had gone too far (once again) with my "helping." Providing ideas and contacts is one thing. Expecting him to make the decision I think is best is another thing.

This process of learning never ends, Jodie. I'm glad you're on the path with us.

COM: I struggle with "getting sucked" back in to my son's on going situations when he calls me. I had boundaries set up, but he knows how to feed me bits of information that makes me go hmmmm. I am an Analyst, so my nature is to dig and research. Yesterday I had the day from hell and it taught me yet again, "careful trying to find out more information thinking you are helping because most times, its way more then you ever thought it would be and can actually hurt more then help. My boundary wall is back up again, and endless cycle it seems.

I love your questions, what is enabling, what is manipulating, controlling, managing all to try and fix. They are all very thin lines.

I have used many times to son when he calls in a panic " I love you, I know you will figure it out I have to go to a meeting, talk to you soon". This gives me an out, gives me time to resist the urge to offer solutions.