NEW YEAR NEW PROBLEMS

[Weary Mother]

Well, I have been having panic attacks and depression due to the stress of my family and now it is getting worse. Here is what the latest with my daughter is. She went to Missouri last year as some of you may remember and that was because she was homeless. She stayed a bit with her adult disabled daughter then got a job and small apartment, in rather quick succession because her disabled daughter was living with a woman who pushed it and said she would either do that or sleep in her van. So, she worked for a while, but had continuing issues. Her health, her transportation, and on and on. So, she lost that job early this year. But then the disabled daughter and her 5 mo. old baby boy moved in with her and just last night the disabled daughter told my daughter that she no longer wanted to be a mother and was planning to take her son to the fire station and give him up. The disability is a mental one, some form of mental health problems that have existed since childhood. She has been on disability since age 7. Now she does not want her son, and the job (first job she has ever had), I believe she will either lose or quit, leaving all of them with no income. I was on my way to my mothers doctor appointment and was late, my daughter texting me this, and I told her to call me as I could not text, she has not called. I can't take this pain any more of always worrying and having to wonder when the other shoe drops. it is just too much. I do know that I can't fix this but who is going to fix me? I am broken over all this drama all the time.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

Hello- I'm so sorry all that you are going through. We here, understand the worries of our Difficult Child's. As hard as it is to hear that your daughters grand-child is to be taken to the firehouse, perhaps this child will be adopted and have a better, stable life. It sounds like with mental disability, she would not be able to provide a decent life for her child. If grand-daughter has been on disability, she should be receiving monthly checks.

We all have been broken at some point in our lives; some of us still there. First step is knowing and accepting that we can't fix our Difficult Child'S problems. YOU have to move on and live your own life. Your daughter is an adult and she will find her way one way or another. We never stop worrying, but every day we stop trying to fix them and work on our lives and moving forward is the only thing we can do. Read the articles on enabling and detachment here on the main page. Find a healthy boundary with your daughter and grand-daughter if they should call and ask for help. Plan now for what you feel comfortable doing for them or not doing for them. Keep posting and keep us updated.

 

[BusynMember]

Truthfully, the baby would probably live a much better life with different parents. You are too old to raise her, and daughter and granddaughter would never leave you alone if you tried.

I've adopted three kids and I'd take a bullet for any. Their birth parents could not raise them for various reasons and we are a happy family. One day they can search for their birth parents but they weren't raised by them so they had secure lives and great starts. Your daughter was not a good mother and granddaughter is disabled.

Perhaps this would be best. This so sucks.

I fixed me and made my life good. You are the only one who can fix you.Get out of bed every day, wash and dress. Look your best. Do not stay home. that makes you think of your struggling loved ones. Sniff in fresh crisp air. Walk. Do anything, even Starbucks for coffee. Smile at people who look kind. If you like church join a study group. Be around people. I'm amazed at how this helps. Exercise. Dont ruminate. Find a new hobby, like singing in a group even if you can't sing well. Who cares? It lifts the spirit.

Remember what a good person you are and that you are your best friend or your worst enemy. Be your best friend. Please choose to live...Every single day. Do you work,? If not volunteer. It's fun and kind.

Sitting at home, not dressed, brooding, being alone...A recipe for depression.

Hugs!!!

 

[tishthedish]

Please consider contacting Child Protective Services if you feel that either your daughter or grand daughter are incapable of taking care of the baby. They have services and funding that can kick in that may alleviate some pressure and keep the baby safe. God speed.

 

[Weary Mother]

Sitting at home, not dressed, brooding, being alone...A recipe for depression.

Hugs!!![/QUOTE]

Somewhere: Thanks for the encourgaing reply. I see the quote there "sitting at home, not dressed, brooding, being alone". As a younger person that was me. Due to a really bad childhood, I spent my early adulthood that way. Not so now. I am very busy and have more positive here now than ever. But still the grief is there, like my shadow. I can be performing on stage, happily singing and playing music with a group, and have the feeling of impending doom. This is largely due to all the life/death drama of both my kids. I wish I had a way to handle that feeling, so that I could look at the problems like others do, as a clinical matter instead of feeling so dragged down. I have not stepped in, I of course cannot take care of a 5 mo. old baby. What will happen I don't know, but at this time it appears the child is not being abused. My oldest granddaughter has offered to take him, she has 2 other children, a boy 9 and a girl 5. All I can do at this time is wait and see. But, all the drama has left me exhausted and in a state of constant worry and grief. I just want to know what it is like to live without this extreme kind of stress. I know we all have stress, but I am wore out from the extreme amount and life/death content. A woman in a support group for drug addiction last week was talking about compassion for her daughter after the oldest daughter died of an overdose. She seems willing to be compassionate for the 2nd one where she was angry at the first one. I have had compassion and am now getting angry after all these years and I don't what to feel that way either. So I am struggling within myself on how I feel. if that makes sense.

 

[Weary Mother]

Find a healthy boundary with your daughter and grand-daughter if they should call and ask for help. Plan now for what you feel comfortable doing for them or not doing for them. Keep posting and keep us updated.

ironbutterfly, this quote is what I struggle with. I feel ambivalent about what I am comfortable with doing. As in a prior reply to Somewhere, I have compassion, but am now angry and don't know how to keep living with the drama. But your statement of planning for what I feel comfortable doing is exactly what I have been pondering. On one had I feel cold and uncaring not trying to do something but on the other hand (the angry hand), I know over the years I have done and done and done and so far it has not altered much. I am so grateful for your post and look forward to hearing from all of you since this has now escalated due to the baby now. Also, my daughter has announced before this baby news came out that she wanted to come for a "visit" in Feb. but no info has been forthcoming on when and how, and now I am about to tell her that it is not a good time for her to visit.

 

[Kalahou]

Weary Mother Jodie,
I have been so weary too, dear. This little verse below is something I came across that helped me get past the wavering / struggling and helped me realize the truth and get started in a different direction. Perhaps in your compassion and anger and sense of responsibility, you are really "breaking your own heart."

Stop Breaking Your Own Heart

Stop trying to change someone who doesn't want to change.
Stop giving chances to someone who abuses your forgiveness.
Stop walking back to the place where your heart ran from.
Stop trusting their words and ignoring their actions.
Stop giving your all to a person who gives you nothing.
Stop fighting for a relationship when you’re standing in the ring alone.
STOP BREAKING YOUR OWN HEART.

 

[Weary Mother]

Well, the issue resolved itself. My oldest granddaughter got in her vehicle and drove 500 miles to get the 5 month old baby of her sister. This is not what I think should of happened, but for now this is how it is. This left my daughter living in the apartment with the 25 year old disabled child of hers who is now running amuck smoking pot and doing what ever she wants since her child is no long an impediment to her. My daughter has no job and was babysitting for the 5 month old when it was decided that the mother of the baby did not want to be a mother. Now what I don't know and I am trying to mmob, but it isnt easy. I am not being asked for help by any of them, so it isnt that I am trying to meddle but again I worry and sit on my hands wondering what evil will befall now, as it usually does.