Newbie...desperate mom with 20 yo addict...court tomorrow
- Thread starter Wakegirl
- Start date
It is a type of car insurance that is required when somebody gets a DUI. It's much more expensive than standard insurance, and some companies won't cover you once you've had that on your record, from what I've been told. You have to, by law, carry it for 3 years from when the DUI occurred. I've been paying it. He's paid me a total of 300.00 since moving back in 2 years ago.
My heart breaks for you. Hang in there and know that you are not the cause of his addictions and anger. You are trying to provide support and right the ship. I think you have a great plan for court - be brave and follow through. His behavior in the home in the meantime is a concern. I think you need to call 911 every time his anger gets out of control. Holes in the wall, destrpoyed property, aggresive anger that makes you feel unsafe - 911. Do not put yourself in harms way and do not take any more of his 
. He is totally out of control and needs help. The more police calls on record, the more you are putting him in the hands of the court who are the only people right now that can force him to get the help he needs. He needs to find his bottom - if that means refusing help and going to jail for a bit until he gives in - so be it. He can no longer be allowed to be abusive and avoid life's responsibilities. I believe with his this out of control, he should not be living in your home. His choices are rehad, jail or the streets. Hopefully one of those things will help him find his way. You should focus on you and hand him over to the greater society where he will learn to see how out of control his behavior is.
. He is totally out of control and needs help. The more police calls on record, the more you are putting him in the hands of the court who are the only people right now that can force him to get the help he needs. He needs to find his bottom - if that means refusing help and going to jail for a bit until he gives in - so be it. He can no longer be allowed to be abusive and avoid life's responsibilities. I believe with his this out of control, he should not be living in your home. His choices are rehad, jail or the streets. Hopefully one of those things will help him find his way. You should focus on you and hand him over to the greater society where he will learn to see how out of control his behavior is.Thank you SO very much. I'm in this by myself, which makes it even more difficult. My family lives out of state. His father is a sorry excuse for one. Yes, he took his guns and bailed him out of jail, then allowed for him to stay at his house for 4 days...before kicking him to the curb. He couldn't handle him. And never has been much of a father to him. At all. My boss is very understanding, and I don't think my job is in jeopardy, but I'm not going to take that thought for granted. I love my coworkers, but I'm sure they are sick and tired of my family drama. It gets old. I have a significant other, but he stays out of it for the most part. He hugs me, and tells me everything will be ok, and wipes my tears away. So, I'm so glad to have found this group! I feel like I have other people that I can talk to and relate with. It's a reassuring place to land when all hope seems gone.
So he broke the law, got a punishment of more costly car insurance, and you are paying for it? Sounds like something I would have done in the past. I hate to state the obvious but you are rewarding him for bad behavior. If he doesn't end up in rehab or jail (or even if he does), tell him you are done paying for his mistakes and as of today you will no longer be paying his car insurance. He can get a job and pay for it himself or drive without insurance and end up with whatever consequences that may bring.
He can only treat you like you let him treat you. He screams at you, curses at you, and makes you feel physically threatened and then you turn around and pay his high cost insurance (not to mention food, cell phone, etc.)? Believe me . . . I know how hard it is to change enabling behavior but you are not doing him any favors letting him treat you or any future women in his life like that.
What helped me in the past is to step back and ask myself what advice I would give to someone else describing the situation to me. It wouldn't be to put up with the abuse and reward him for bad behavior, would it?
Zardo is right. Call the police and get documentation every time he gets out of control . . . and that includes screaming and cursing at you. There may come a time when you are going to have to get a temporary protection order against your son (been there done that) and you will need to show a judge that you feel that you are in danger. Being able to show records of calls to the police will be useful in that situation. Again, you can't change his behavior but you can change your reaction to it.
~Kathy
You're so right about everything that you said. It's crazy....I want him out of my home, but I'm worried to death about him living on the streets...no food, no clean clothes, cold winter months, etc. THIS IS MY CHILD!!! How do I do this, and sleep at night? I know. I know. He HAS to hit rock bottom. But it's the hardest thing ever watching him do it. I'm crossing my fingers for court ordered residential rehab. Thank you so much for your support. Sending best wishes to you!
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
I really hope he gets court ordered rehab..... how do you let them on the streets... you probably will have some sleepless nights if he ends up there. It is the hardest thing I have ever done (and that was after I thought kicking my son out of the house, and then seeing him in jail were the hardest things!). So how do you do it? You do it by realizing you have done everything you can and that now it truly is up to him. My guess is that a couple of days on the street and he will be willing to go to rehab!!! We let my son be homeless several times... the first few times it was only for a week or two at the most. That much time on the street, in warmer weather too, was enough to send him running to rehab. The thing is they do learn to survive and to work the systems.... there are quite a number of homeless youth out there and programs for them in various cities. They do eventually figure it out.... this time my son stayed on the street for 5 months. Believe me I wanted to just run out and rescue him except I had no idea what I would do with him then!!! With my 17 year old daugther at home, who is a easy child and doing well, I was not going to bring him hear to create tons of chaos and heartbreak in her senior year in HS. That would not be fair to her!!
And eventually I think it got bad enough, sad enough, desperate enough he reached out again for help.... and then we offered our hands for help..... but did not do it for him this time. He had to make the calls... and he had to contact my friend who is an interventionist. I needed to step back further than I had in the past. This needs to be his journey, not mine.
The same is true of your son. He is a young adult, and no matter how immature he is, he needs to find his path and live is journey, you cannot do it for him.
Anxiously awaiting to hear how court went.
TL
And eventually I think it got bad enough, sad enough, desperate enough he reached out again for help.... and then we offered our hands for help..... but did not do it for him this time. He had to make the calls... and he had to contact my friend who is an interventionist. I needed to step back further than I had in the past. This needs to be his journey, not mine.
The same is true of your son. He is a young adult, and no matter how immature he is, he needs to find his path and live is journey, you cannot do it for him.
Anxiously awaiting to hear how court went.
TL
Well, court didn't go exactly the way I wanted, but a change was made. He's officially out of my house. Hand written on his probation papers by his prosecutor. The deal is that today's court appearance was a continuance from when I had him arrested this past September. He was arrested for domestic violence, so that's what the charge is (although the domestic violence stemmed from his use of Spice). Even though I had a letter from his counselor stating that he recommends residential treatment, by law the court needs more. What I can do is talk with his counselor and get him to document that difficult child has admitted to drug use (only admitted, yet still denying he is an addict), and that the counselor feels that the use of drugs contribute to his angry outrages and his lack of having any life skills. So, that's my next step. It was also documented today that I will be signing the truck over to him, and that I will no longer be paying the premium. Because of his DUI, if he lets it lapse, he will be in contempt of court. The prosecutor explained that to him. He was also informed that I'll no longer be paying his cell phone bill. This month has already been paid for, so he's got a few weeks to figure out his new court ordered responsibilities.
We were the last case to be heard today. It was extremely quiet in the courtroom. Another prosecutor sitting near by heard me talking. And saw my tears. He walked over and read difficult child the riot act. He told him that no baby deserves a worthless father, and that difficult child can walk away, but that baby can't walk away just because its father is a piece of $#*!. Told him to man up, get 3 jobs if that's what he's got to do to provide for his child, and quit being weak by using drugs. I was high fiving this prosecutor in my head.
Im ok right now, and that's kinda scary. Ha. I'm mentally and physically drained, so I know the sadness will catch up with me after a good nights sleep. I love the saying "let go and let God". I'm praying for the strength and wisdom to know that God will handle this. And I'm not gonna lie... I'm praying really hard, and without cease, that he protects my boy and keeps him safe. Ok, that was enough to start the tears. Gonna go do some laundry or something. Busy is good. :/
We were the last case to be heard today. It was extremely quiet in the courtroom. Another prosecutor sitting near by heard me talking. And saw my tears. He walked over and read difficult child the riot act. He told him that no baby deserves a worthless father, and that difficult child can walk away, but that baby can't walk away just because its father is a piece of $#*!. Told him to man up, get 3 jobs if that's what he's got to do to provide for his child, and quit being weak by using drugs. I was high fiving this prosecutor in my head.
Im ok right now, and that's kinda scary. Ha. I'm mentally and physically drained, so I know the sadness will catch up with me after a good nights sleep. I love the saying "let go and let God". I'm praying for the strength and wisdom to know that God will handle this. And I'm not gonna lie... I'm praying really hard, and without cease, that he protects my boy and keeps him safe. Ok, that was enough to start the tears. Gonna go do some laundry or something. Busy is good. :/
Well, overall, I think it went well. He is out of your house so he can't abuse you anymore. I think it is great that the court backed you up on the need for your difficult child to take responsibility for himself and his bills.
How did he take having to leave your home? When we got a temporary protection order against our daughter, the judge warned us that the most dangerous time is often after you get the TPO since it sometimes triggers the offender to act out. I am just saying this so that you lock your doors and be careful. In our case, we weren't worried about physical harm but she was bringing heroin into our home which could have cost husband and me our teaching certificates and livelihood. Once she had nowhere to live, she agreed to go to the residential treatment center.
It's okay to cry and it's okay to pray. I think we do a lot of both here on the SA forum. You fit right in.
~Kathy
How did he take having to leave your home? When we got a temporary protection order against our daughter, the judge warned us that the most dangerous time is often after you get the TPO since it sometimes triggers the offender to act out. I am just saying this so that you lock your doors and be careful. In our case, we weren't worried about physical harm but she was bringing heroin into our home which could have cost husband and me our teaching certificates and livelihood. Once she had nowhere to live, she agreed to go to the residential treatment center.
It's okay to cry and it's okay to pray. I think we do a lot of both here on the SA forum. You fit right in.
~Kathy
Well, overall, I think it went well. He is out of your house so he can't abuse you anymore. I think it is great that the court backed you up on the need for your difficult child to take responsibility for himself and his bills.
How did he take having to leave your home? When we got a temporary protection order against our daughter, the judge warned us that the most dangerous time is often after you get the TPO since it sometimes triggers the offender to act out. I am just saying this so that you lock your doors and be careful. In our case, we weren't worried about physical harm but she was bringing heroin into our home which could have cost husband and me our teaching certificates and livelihood. Once she had nowhere to live, she agreed to go to the residential treatment center.
It's okay to cry and it's okay to pray. I think we do a lot of both here on the SA forum. You fit right in.
~Kathy
I arrived to court before him. He walked in with his girlfriend, looked straight at me, and acted as if he didn't know me. The only conversation we had was when he argued something I was saying. They were beside me at the red light outside of the court, but I haven't seen nor heard from him since.
I have been scared before when I've kicked him out. Mainly due to the time he came flying though my den window like superman after being kicked out. He had gotten smart and unlocked several windows so he could enter as he pleased. Scared me to death. He doesn't have a key, and I've made sure all the windows are locked this time. I had SO change the code on the keypad to the garage.
I know the scare of having drugs in your home. I was told how I could get in trouble for the drugs that difficult child brings into my home. I understood the reasoning, but was baffled! Kid was a pro at finding hiding places for his stuff. Then there were days when he left it laying around upstairs in plain sight. Really??? I never have been able to understand his audacity. It's as if nothing phases him.
I appreciate your support, Kathy. So very much!!!!!
I am so relieved that he is out of your house - it was not safe for you with him there. It's your job now to detach - read some books about dealing with an addicted loved one - find a support group - I even find going to some open aa meetings helpful. My point is focus on you - he is the only one who can help him. Keep your distance from him until he comes to acceptance and gets help. If he contacts you try not to engage in conversation other than "I cannot be part of your life while you are using - you get too abusive - when you are ready for help I will be here for you - I love you but I cannot enable your destructive choices"
rejectedmom
New Member
I too am glad he is out of your home. You will find yourself going back over whether you should let him back or help him by giving him money, food, whatever. When this happens you have to remember how it was with him living under your roof with his addictions and his abusive acts. I am sorry this has happened to you. You were a good parent and did your very best. It is not your fault. Your son needs to get clean, identify his underlying issues and work on them. As someone else said it is now his journey. I am glad that other attorney gave him the MAN UP speech. He needed to hear it from a third party. Keep busy and focus on yourself and how to strengthen your resolve not to enable him in the future. When you falter post here. The folks on this board are very good at support. -RM
buddy
New Member
Hi, I'm late to your thread but wanted to welcome you to the board. You are facing an amazing situation and the warrior parents here are my heroes. I hope you find them as amazing as I do.
I parent a difficult child with a different issue but SA has touched my life and my son was adopted from foster care due to his birth parents' drug issues.
And, for different reasons, I can relate to living with an aggressive child. Mine has always been that way but just hit puberty this year so the danger level shifted.....very hard to face your own child hurting you!
Many hugs and prayers for you. Your personal growth in this short time is really impressive. Be gentle with yourself.
I parent a difficult child with a different issue but SA has touched my life and my son was adopted from foster care due to his birth parents' drug issues.
And, for different reasons, I can relate to living with an aggressive child. Mine has always been that way but just hit puberty this year so the danger level shifted.....very hard to face your own child hurting you!
Many hugs and prayers for you. Your personal growth in this short time is really impressive. Be gentle with yourself.
Again, this forum provides amazing support....thank you all!!!
Feeling just a tad uneasy today. Had a friend send me a text to ask how court went yesterday. When I informed her that I had kicked difficult child out, her reply was, "I do understand. I just worry that pushing him into this new lifestyle will just cause him to fall ever more. What if there is no rock bottom for him?". UGH! I know she meant well, but boy did it make me start questioning the decision. She has no kids of her own, but she did grow up with 2 step brothers who were drug abusers and much more. One of them was killed out on the street during an altercation with another drug addict. I assume that's another part of my fear? What if he never reaches rock bottom....what if he ends up being one of those people I pass on the streets, begging for money. Oh geez....I got to stop my brain!
I'm sure I'll hear from him soon. He'll need clothes and his toiletries. I'm thinking it'll probably be best to put some stuff in a bag and sit it on the back porch? Seeing him will make me weak and even more emotional...
Feeling just a tad uneasy today. Had a friend send me a text to ask how court went yesterday. When I informed her that I had kicked difficult child out, her reply was, "I do understand. I just worry that pushing him into this new lifestyle will just cause him to fall ever more. What if there is no rock bottom for him?". UGH! I know she meant well, but boy did it make me start questioning the decision. She has no kids of her own, but she did grow up with 2 step brothers who were drug abusers and much more. One of them was killed out on the street during an altercation with another drug addict. I assume that's another part of my fear? What if he never reaches rock bottom....what if he ends up being one of those people I pass on the streets, begging for money. Oh geez....I got to stop my brain!
I'm sure I'll hear from him soon. He'll need clothes and his toiletries. I'm thinking it'll probably be best to put some stuff in a bag and sit it on the back porch? Seeing him will make me weak and even more emotional...
Karenvm
Member
Hi Wakegirl. When I read your original post, I was amazed at how similar your situation was to mine. I SO share your feelings of sadness and worry, because our sons are still OUR SONS! I feel like all I do is rant and rave about how mine needs to be out of my home, and that makes me feel SO guilty! I even feel guilty because he has so much of my genes in him- I have a sister who is a recovering alcoholic, I have anxiety in my family, and I even blame myself that he has inherited these tendencies! It is crazy, and I go from anger to sadness!
I am so happy that your difficult child is out of your home. I know it is hard to accept, but it is the right thing!
hang in there! You are not alone!
karen
I am so happy that your difficult child is out of your home. I know it is hard to accept, but it is the right thing!
hang in there! You are not alone!
karen
Wakegirl, sometimes the days after the storm are the hardest. Just know that letting your difficult child live with you would not stop him from doing drugs or getting in trouble. You would just be putting yourself in danger and be making it easier for him to drink and use drugs.
Is there anyone else that you can take your difficult child's things to that would be willing to be an intermediary? I think it would be best if you took a break from each other for a little while so your difficult child knows you means business.
Keep posting and look for a real-world support group. I have found a NAMI group that is very understanding and knows about a lot of resources available that I didn't know existed.
~Kathy
Is there anyone else that you can take your difficult child's things to that would be willing to be an intermediary? I think it would be best if you took a break from each other for a little while so your difficult child knows you means business.
Keep posting and look for a real-world support group. I have found a NAMI group that is very understanding and knows about a lot of resources available that I didn't know existed.
~Kathy
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Remember that it is his actions that brought him to this result. When I kicked my daughter out of the house at age 19 in the middle of a snowstorm I cried for days. It took a long time for me to be able to think about anything else except what was going to happen to her. She somehow landed on her feet, I was sure she would end up in a gutter. We have been through rehab and relapse and pregnancy. It was a long walk back to each other, she hated us when she left. I prayed every day that she would be OK. When the phone rang I froze. I had to learn how to trust that she would be OK, that somehow she would make it.
I'm sorry for your hurting heart. Your son has a lot of growing up to do. So many of us have been through what you are now living and we understand. I would have given anything to fix my daughter as I know you would also. But they have to fix themselves. I will be thinking of you in the days ahead and sending you strength and hope.
Nancy
I'm sorry for your hurting heart. Your son has a lot of growing up to do. So many of us have been through what you are now living and we understand. I would have given anything to fix my daughter as I know you would also. But they have to fix themselves. I will be thinking of you in the days ahead and sending you strength and hope.
Nancy
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Nope. We threw her bags in the streets. On her own, she called her brother from a friend's home and made the decision that she didn't want street life and begged him to let her live with him. If she hadn't been thrown out, this never would have happened. She was fortunate that she had a place to go and chose to go there, but that was ONLY after she knew she couldn't live here. Not all kids have an option to do something like she did (and it wasn't easy for her to talk Brother into getting her and letting her live with him under strict guidelines), but many difficult children chose to pass over these opportunities even if they have them. Her good choices started as soon as she knew she no longer had Mommy to take care of her. I think it shocked some sense into her. She didn't particularly like this brother...lol. We had no idea she'd do this, but, yes, you're right. It turned out she had a place to stay. But if she hadn't, she'd have still been thrown out. There's only so much you can take even from your own child!
Although my daughter did end up with a place to go I want to make it very clear that had we not told her she was out, with no more chances, and had she not believed it, she never would picked that moment to start to change. Her own words. And, at the time we sent her packing, we didn't know what she was going to do or where she was planning to go.
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
Wakegirl,
I have been thinking about you and what you are going through. I totally understand all of your fears and have had those fears myself. And I know my son was one of those kids on the street panhandling for money....made me feel kind of sick to my stomach and changed my view of the homeless forever.
So here are some thoughts....it is the scariest thing in the world to think about something happening to your kid. I still dont know how I would handle that if that happens, it is kind of incomprehensible. What I have realized is that enabling my kid, doing what I think I can to keep him safe and out of trouble, does not necessarily keep him safe... not if it means he can keep drinking and drugging. Ultimately those things can be very dangerous and kill you even if they are home in a warm bed. Realizing that got me to the place of letting him go and ultimately to letting him be really seriously homeless with no place to go.
However the other thing that helped me was to realize from the bottom of my heart that I had done everything possible to get him help.... my son has been in several rehabs and sober houses and gotten kicked out of a bunch of them and walked out of the last one before he was homeless for 5 months. So we have offered help, we have been there for him, I have not turned my back on him and said I dont wnat you in my life. What I have doen is make very clear I will help you when you want help, but I will not support you in drinking and drugging and not being productive in your life.
So knowing I had done everything possible, and that really and truly it is up to him to decide to get help, I came to sort of a resignation that he could die. That thought scares me but I felt some semblance of peace and acceptance that it is really out of my hands. It is not something I have control over.
The other thing I have done is to not slam any doors with him or put him in a position where he could not come to us for help (not that we would always give it to him). This was advice given to me by a therapist when we first kicked him out of our house. I think it was good advice. So I would text him every now and then that I was thinking about him or that I loved him. Sometimes he would respond and sometimes he would not. Somehow though it helped me to feel like I was still there for him even if he was choosing to ignore me. I think that has been really important in the long run and in where our relationship is now. My son knows we love him, and he knows we will help him if he is doing the right things. I think that gives him the best chance to succeed, to know we are there backing him up. However he also knows if he thumbs his nose at us all and does not do the right thing, that we will not protect him from himself.
So for now he is doing the right thing and getting help... and we are helping him do that. I dread the idea or thought that we might have to let him go again, but we will if we have to.
The other thing, and probably the hardest thing for me was to give up the idea that I had any control over the situation.. I dont and you don't. So dont base the things you do or dont do on what you think he will or wont do in reaction.... that is still a form of you trying to control the situation. Base the things you do on what feels right to you..... so if it feels right to get him groceries, then get him groceries. If you feel he is manipulating you to give him money or groceries or whatever and it doesnt feel right to you then dont do it. Listen to your gut. If not seeing him feels right to you then dont see him... however if not seeing him is a way to get him to see the light then that probably wont work. And if it feels right to see him, that somehow it will give you some sense of how he is then see him. Really the bottome line for you is to listen to your gut and do what feels right to you (not what he tells you is right).
I hope this helps.
TL
I have been thinking about you and what you are going through. I totally understand all of your fears and have had those fears myself. And I know my son was one of those kids on the street panhandling for money....made me feel kind of sick to my stomach and changed my view of the homeless forever.
So here are some thoughts....it is the scariest thing in the world to think about something happening to your kid. I still dont know how I would handle that if that happens, it is kind of incomprehensible. What I have realized is that enabling my kid, doing what I think I can to keep him safe and out of trouble, does not necessarily keep him safe... not if it means he can keep drinking and drugging. Ultimately those things can be very dangerous and kill you even if they are home in a warm bed. Realizing that got me to the place of letting him go and ultimately to letting him be really seriously homeless with no place to go.
However the other thing that helped me was to realize from the bottom of my heart that I had done everything possible to get him help.... my son has been in several rehabs and sober houses and gotten kicked out of a bunch of them and walked out of the last one before he was homeless for 5 months. So we have offered help, we have been there for him, I have not turned my back on him and said I dont wnat you in my life. What I have doen is make very clear I will help you when you want help, but I will not support you in drinking and drugging and not being productive in your life.
So knowing I had done everything possible, and that really and truly it is up to him to decide to get help, I came to sort of a resignation that he could die. That thought scares me but I felt some semblance of peace and acceptance that it is really out of my hands. It is not something I have control over.
The other thing I have done is to not slam any doors with him or put him in a position where he could not come to us for help (not that we would always give it to him). This was advice given to me by a therapist when we first kicked him out of our house. I think it was good advice. So I would text him every now and then that I was thinking about him or that I loved him. Sometimes he would respond and sometimes he would not. Somehow though it helped me to feel like I was still there for him even if he was choosing to ignore me. I think that has been really important in the long run and in where our relationship is now. My son knows we love him, and he knows we will help him if he is doing the right things. I think that gives him the best chance to succeed, to know we are there backing him up. However he also knows if he thumbs his nose at us all and does not do the right thing, that we will not protect him from himself.
So for now he is doing the right thing and getting help... and we are helping him do that. I dread the idea or thought that we might have to let him go again, but we will if we have to.
The other thing, and probably the hardest thing for me was to give up the idea that I had any control over the situation.. I dont and you don't. So dont base the things you do or dont do on what you think he will or wont do in reaction.... that is still a form of you trying to control the situation. Base the things you do on what feels right to you..... so if it feels right to get him groceries, then get him groceries. If you feel he is manipulating you to give him money or groceries or whatever and it doesnt feel right to you then dont do it. Listen to your gut. If not seeing him feels right to you then dont see him... however if not seeing him is a way to get him to see the light then that probably wont work. And if it feels right to see him, that somehow it will give you some sense of how he is then see him. Really the bottome line for you is to listen to your gut and do what feels right to you (not what he tells you is right).
I hope this helps.
TL
