Newbie...desperate mom with 20 yo addict...court tomorrow

[Wakegirl]

Thank you, toughlovin. You've given me useful insight on a lot of things. Especially the advice to listen to my gut. I know that everybody's situation is different to some extent, and doing things exactly by the book doesn't always prove to remedy. I know when I've kicked him out before, I set a bag of groceries on the back porch a time or two. It was something I felt was the right thing to do. I'm not providing him the cushy life he is accustomed to, but I'm not allowing him to starve to death either.

You mentioned knowing from the bottom of your heart that you've done everything possible for your son. I sometimes beat myself up wondering if I've done enough. I ask myself "what's enough?". Is there really ever enough when it comes to this person that I brought into the world? Does he feel like I've given up on him? Does he feel like I kicked him out because I don't love him? Does he honestly see all of the second chances I've given him, and that everything I've done and am doing now is only because I love him? And then in the same breath, I'm reminded how worn out I am. From the drugs, the lies, the verbal abuse, the stealing and pilfering, the laziness and lack of responsibility, the damage done to my home. I'm tired of court rooms. And the racing of my heart when he calls and says " Guess what?", because it's normally followed by bad news. I've always tried to take good care of myself, but I feel like I've aged tremendously over the past 5 years. It's amazing what worry, sadness, and lack of sleep will do to your body.

You said you've never slammed doors on him to where he feels like he can't come to you for help. How do you determine that the cry for help is real, or if he's just crying wolf? That's a weakness of mine, because the 3 times I've kicked him out previously, he always had really good promises to turn his life around only to end up failing. I always believe his pleas, and give him the benefit of the doubt. I wanted so bad to believe him. But it was always lies. He's good. Almost scary good. Like going from a drug induced demon to reading the bible everyday for a month.

It warms my heart that your son is getting help. I will keep my fingers crossed for you!!! How sweet it'll be to have our sons back....the way they were raised to be.

 

[toughlovin]

I think you get to the point where you know you have done everything you can. In our case we have paid for multiple rehabs and treatments for my son and he would do well and then either leave there and relapse or he would get kicked out..... so we have given him lots of help. This last time when he walked out we told him that was it he was really on his own and he knew it too. But I just got to the point where I realized that until he wants it nothing I can do can make any difference. And to be honest I probably helped him get treatment too many times before we let him really be homeless... he had been homeless for a couple of weeks before but never like this. And this time when he decided to go for treatment we told him only if insurance will cover it... no more private pay from us. As it turns out we are paying privately but we got a good deal and compared to other places it is much much cheaper.

So no one can tell you really when you have done enough, but i think you will know it when you are there.

As far as telling when the cry for help is real... it is when they take positive action themselves. Most of these difficult children are master manipulators, including my son and yours. So no telling you it will be different is not good enough, he has to really take action which in our case was being willing to go into treatment. There was one point where my son had a job and was trying to get an apartment and we did agree to help him with rent... I think lucky for us they would not rent to him!!! So I think your son has to say I want help and then listen to what kind of help you are willing to give him...and to tell the truth I think it needs to be done outside of him living in your home. The threats of violence are too much and is a stress you should not have to live with. In our case I have a younger daughter that I was unwilling to put back in that situation. In your case I think I would insist he not move back home, and that the kind of help you are willing to give him is some kind of treatment. If you do let him move back home it should be under very strict conditions that you are willing to follow through on... although I hope you dont do this right now (but will understand if you do).

It is a very difficult balancing act to not enable, to not be taken in by their pleas and lies, to stand your ground, keep your boundaries and still let them know you love them. And the truth is while they are using drugs, while they want what they want from you, they will not appreciate your love and caring. Doesnt mean they dont need it, but they wont appreciate it and so it is important for you to detach and not need their acknowledgement because you probably wont get it at this point in time.

I was just thinking tonight of what my stand is going to be with my son when I go and see him.... and it is that I will help and support him when he is doing the next right thing... and I will not do anything that feels to me that it will lead him down the wrong path. I cant decide what path he takes but I am not going to give him somethig or do anything that will help him go the wrong way.

TL

 

[exhausted]

Welcome. You have gotten some good advise and will always find a sympathetic ear here. I have been through some of what you have,though there are many differences.
The suicide thing is something i deal with a lot. Our daughter has borderline personality disorder...she has only been diagnosed with traits because her last assessment was before she turned 18 and they seldom diagnose before then. Suicide is a real threat with this group and they are far more likely to
Follow through. I was told at the DBT residential place (specialized treatment for Borderline (BPD)), that they recommend not being manipulatrd by it and yet...in that place she took 60 pills and we almost lost her because they ignored her threats. I wont ignore them and if only because i dont want to be the one that has to live with guilt if she does it, then so be it. Other counselors have told us never to ignore it. We take her to the phospital oe emergency room for evaluation. Now that she is 18 she has refused but ou local phospital and the police have a trained crisis team that comes if needed. Just last week we called them when she made a threat. She called them and cycled down and they didnt need to cone out. Maybe you have that resource? I learned about it at NAMI. My daughter alwsys deescalates when we talk with her and help her problem solve. Each situation is different. I would ask your counselor for adbise.
I hope your boy is ordered into treatment. This is a long road and the stress is unbelievable. He will need help outside of what you can give him. It is seldom successful the first time through. Keep us updated. A giant hug to you.

 

[Trixy Rose]

Hello... I can appreciate your situation. I too have a 20 yr son back living with me. He came home Just Saturday. I told him the rules before coming and he verbally agreed. The I drafted a "House Rules Contract". I have another 19 yr girl living with me too. She had lived with me for a year then moved in with her mom again. Now back, going to college and working. She signed the contract and is doing well. My son however..... well. I am trying to trust his word but he is doing some of the same things as before. He has ADD/ODD no medications anymore. I am wanting to find a way of proving that he is still using. He went out Sat night and did not come home he did tell me where he was going, just not that he was going to stay the night. Then yesterday he went to volunteer at a VFW with his grandma and brother, a term of the contract. After work he told his brother that he was going to help a friend and finish a job he had started Saturday. Which he was paid $20.00 for and gave it to me reluctantly, and per the contract I gave him back $7.00. He did not like the stipulations set in regards to paying Room and Board and Savings... which is 2/3 of everything he makes. Last night he called at 10:30 pm and said he would be home a bit later. He told me where he was. I love the person he was with but she has major pill addiction. Not good not good. I am trying to find out how I can prove he is using. For the first rule is "DRUG FREE a ZERO TOLERANCE RULE" AND WILL RESULT IN INTIMIDATE EVECTION. Through my research I found this site..... I wish you the best of luck as a mom I know this is hard.
So if anyone knows... how I can prove he is using? .... I suspected that he had smoked pot before coming to my home so I know he is dirty. "sigh"
AZ Mom

 

[Wakegirl]

Hello Trixy Rose. I'm so glad you found this forum! Wonderful members here with very knowledgeable advice! As far as proving that your son is smoking pot, I would go buy an at home drug test from Walgreens, or I'm sure many other drugstores sell them. If it is definitely pot that he is smoking, it should detect it. In my situation, my son is smoking a chemical called Spice. At home drug tests won't detect it.

If he is an addict (past or present), I definitely wouldn't let him hang out with the friend that is a major pill addict. Birds of a feather. I know it's hard telling a 20 year old who he can and can't hang out with. But, if he wants to live in your home, add it to your contract. I did that with my son. My problem is that I work 4.5 days a week. I couldn't be home to watch him like a 2 year old, and he started hanging out with friends that he shouldn't. Of course he denied it....but I found out the truth.

If my son is ever allowed to come back home, it will be with rules so strict, he probably won't want to come back. One of which there will be a curfew. I'm sorry, but nothing good happens after the wee hours of the morning. And quite frankly, I don't want that worry anymore. It's amazing where our brains will take us at 2:00 in the morning. I always ended up thinking the worst...because I was so used to late night phone calls from him or the police. The stress and worry alone will end up killing me. My sons current lifestyle is dangerous. So, if he is ever allowed back in, he better be prepared to live by my rules.

Good luck to you! I hope for you and your sons sake that the drug test comes back clean!