No Ho-Ho-Ho’s this year..

[Toomanytears]

Well, good morning group. It’s been a long time since I have posted. About a year ago we were waiting for our son to return from a year of treatment to be sentenced for a crime. Long story short, he did run for two weeks after his sentencing date. Only by our prayers being answered ( round the clock for 72 hrs), he pulled into our garage with an empty tank and flat tire in the middle of the night & during the Polar Vortex.. unbelievable miracle. He was sentenced to 5-10 yrs. He has 1 yr in already and is FINALLY realizing that he must make the changes from inside.
Just this past week our daughter, also in her 30’s, decided to up and leave her home (she rented from us) and lose her job. After her brother was sentenced it came out that she had been a crack addict for the past 2 yrs. & had never touched anything prior to being 31. Yep 31. She has spent her life caring for others, a CNA. She cares for those that never leave her area- a hospice of sorts, but not necessarily terminal. She came to us this past April asking for help. We were able to get her in to a local facility immediately ( she had insurance through her work) and her transformation was amazing! She continued going to GOP
( meetings 3x a week upon completing treatment) and then 1x a week. She was engaged through all of this. Her fiancé used also but never felt it was an issue for him. He preferred to drink. Anyway, he held the fort down and pups while she was in recovery BUT alcohol got the best of him one night. Apparently, she had been with another man, admitted it and he forgave her. Then it happened again. He was out of his mind with doubt, sadness and hurt. Rightfully so. He was also a “ story teller” - we could never understand what was truth, exaggeration, or just BS. We decided after he damaged the house by putting his fist through the bedroom door it was time for us to evict him. Daughter was sad, but thought the break would be good for them and she would continue to work on her recovery. We had the stipulation that NO ONE else was permitted to live in her home and it was stated on the lease. Three days later I received a text asking me to keep an “open mind” but she is with the guy that she met in rehab, and he had been staying there with her.. what?????!!! Her ex’s things weren’t even moved out yet! We told her ABSOLUTELY NOT. He has pending charges ( 2 charges for theft( one being a felony), driving with-out a license 2nd time. No job. A 4 yr old son he must have supervised custody with and owes thousands in restitution. Last week we told her he needs to be out by Friday ( has been there 2 months). Nothing, and I mean nothing, has been done at the house. She missed Decembers rent, acct over-drafted and we helped her fix her car 2 wks ago. Shame on us, I know. Her response was, “ if he has to leave I am too.” She did. Friday she was gone. Left her keys on kitchen counter. Left her large dog there ( ex gave her a home - I cried and cried) but took little pup with her. All her winter clothes are still at the house. She’s made it perfectly clear we won’t see her again. I know we’ve done the right thing. I’m just needing reinforcements ( Especially in this season where “ All is Merry & Bright”) that we will make it through. That we need to NOT reach out to her. I’ve called - she doesn’t pick up. I’ve text, she will answer if we discuss his Probation Officer’s name. Lol it’s a sad, sad game. How do I let go? Thanks again for any words of encouragement.

 

[ksm]

I'm so sorry... No advice... Just hugs.

And if you haven't read the letter about detachment on the Oarent Emeritus forum, check it out. It's always in the top four posts.

Ksm

 

[Albatross]

Ugh. Sorry for all you've been through, TMT. I don't have any advice either, sorry.

I think that as far as learning to let go...for me at least, my mind and body are on HIGH ALERT in and around an encounter with my son. Once some time and/or distance has passed, I can feel myself decompress. So I would say to maybe give yourself some time. If you want her to reach out to you, you've made the overture and that's all you can do. If you don't want her to reach out, just take this time to decompress and regroup.

 

[WiseChoices]

Just let it lie for right now. Allow yourself the space to just feel your feelings, cry, pray (if you have a belief), turning your daughter over to your Higher Power, and tending to yourself.

It's our thoughts that do us in. What helps me is to stop the thoughts of fear, of rejection, of negativity, and to focus on something else instead. I can only hold one thought at a time. I owe it to myself to make it a good one. I am learning NOT TO BELIEVE my thoughts. Just because I can think it, does not mean it is true. I dismiss the thought by deliberately focusing elsewhere. I stop scaring myself with thoughts. Then , secondly, I come back to the present moment. Feel my legs, my arms , connect to my breath. Breathe deeply, 5 count in and 5 count out .

I am getting better at allowing things as they are and bring the focus back to me. What do I need in this moment? How can I work on myself? How and where do I grow? How do I learn to be a self differentiated adult ?

I find that my pain is mitigated by going inward and connecting to my higher power . Meditation has been an amazing tool to find peace in the midst of chaos.

 

[BusynMember1]

Wise, we are doing much of the same. I am learning to recognize my ego, which I believe is our lower self and false beliefs, from my true natural self.

I don't believe we need to think so much. I focus too on the present moment, bodily sensations, my link to divinity. Thoughts and emotions are not necessarily the truth. They often lie and lead only to hopeless fear. Except if in immediate danger, there is no use in fearing. It is my ego telling me scary stories about what may happen in a future I can't see. It is my ego ruminating about a past that I can't change.


I have let most of my past go and am very aware that fortune telling is my ego lying to me to scare me. I am not perfect in that I can stop my fortune telling but I am much more aware of what is happening and I can more easily snap out of a bad mind story faster than before. I no longer live and die by or even listen to my ego.

This has helped me beyond anything else. I no longer write the ends to stories much and if I catch my ego doing that, I remind myself that the ego is not honest...I can move on better.

No group or therapist has helped me more than extensive reading about the ego and true self. I believe God lead me to this wonderful new way of viewing life. It is a blessing.

I have come to think that ignoring the stories in our heads may truly be the most painless and happiest way to live life. Eckhart Tolle first turned me onto silencing the mind. I bless him for this. I could not go on with my life without thinking of Kay before I read about the ego. My ego wrote novels about her AND about what I had done wrong. It also tormented me about childhood relationships and family stuff that did not serve me. The ego focuses on the what ifs and demands answers to everything and won't let go of trauma.

Sorry for the ramble. Maybe somebody else can get a big benefit out of learning about quieting the mind. Maybe not. But it did help me so I wanted to share.

Blessings to all and much love.

 

[Toomanytears]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m
practicing most of the above. We ( hubby and I) suffer from decades of PTSD and know how our mind can “take over” the darkest of thoughts. We do believe & pray His Will. It is about quieting the mind for both an incarcerated son AND a daughter that showed few previous signs ( or maybe we were so focused on her brother’s issues? ) to notice the trouble brewing... it helps to post and read the words of wisdom posted here. (( HUGS))

 

[RN0441]

Toomanytears:

I am so sorry to hear this. It's crazy when we have a normal life with our husbands but our kids make us crazy with their lifestyles.

Is it possible that your daughter is still using? Something doesn't seem right. I believe if she were sober she would not be treating you this way and that she would be making better decisions.

I have no advice except to take care of yourself. I am sure you already know this but sometimes we need to repeat it to ourselves and really take action too.

Prayers and hugs that you get some peace this Christmas.

 

[Toomanytears]

Thank you RN.. no doubt she has relapsed. She was going strong in her recovery. But thinking back, even at the height of using ( skeletal and roughly 89lbs) she still held her job which was her lifeline. She loved it and felt she truly was making a difference. For her to give that up this past week is a definitive sign. She did send me an unexpected text wishing me “Happy early Birthday!!” late last night. So, I know we are thinking of each other. I felt fortunate hearing from her, many don’t. We periodically send a message to her with no response. Learning that when and if she decides to “reconnect” - we will re-evaluate where hubby and I are with our lives. Who knows, with any luck we may find we don’t miss the chaos, worry & drama. I love when I feel this way. Strong. Decisive. Empowered. Just pray it continues. Blessings to you and yours this Christmas. ((Hugs))

 

[beebz]

Well, good morning group. It’s been a long time since I have posted. About a year ago we were waiting for our son to return from a year of treatment to be sentenced for a crime. Long story short, he did run for two weeks after his sentencing date. Only by our prayers being answered ( round the clock for 72 hrs), he pulled into our garage with an empty tank and flat tire in the middle of the night & during the Polar Vortex.. unbelievable miracle. He was sentenced to 5-10 yrs. He has 1 yr in already and is FINALLY realizing that he must make the changes from inside.
Just this past week our daughter, also in her 30’s, decided to up and leave her home (she rented from us) and lose her job. After her brother was sentenced it came out that she had been a crack addict for the past 2 yrs. & had never touched anything prior to being 31. Yep 31. She has spent her life caring for others, a CNA. She cares for those that never leave her area- a hospice of sorts, but not necessarily terminal. She came to us this past April asking for help. We were able to get her in to a local facility immediately ( she had insurance through her work) and her transformation was amazing! She continued going to GOP
( meetings 3x a week upon completing treatment) and then 1x a week. She was engaged through all of this. Her fiancé used also but never felt it was an issue for him. He preferred to drink. Anyway, he held the fort down and pups while she was in recovery BUT alcohol got the best of him one night. Apparently, she had been with another man, admitted it and he forgave her. Then it happened again. He was out of his mind with doubt, sadness and hurt. Rightfully so. He was also a “ story teller” - we could never understand what was truth, exaggeration, or just BS. We decided after he damaged the house by putting his fist through the bedroom door it was time for us to evict him. Daughter was sad, but thought the break would be good for them and she would continue to work on her recovery. We had the stipulation that NO ONE else was permitted to live in her home and it was stated on the lease. Three days later I received a text asking me to keep an “open mind” but she is with the guy that she met in rehab, and he had been staying there with her.. what?????!!! Her ex’s things weren’t even moved out yet! We told her ABSOLUTELY NOT. He has pending charges ( 2 charges for theft( one being a felony), driving with-out a license 2nd time. No job. A 4 yr old son he must have supervised custody with and owes thousands in restitution. Last week we told her he needs to be out by Friday ( has been there 2 months). Nothing, and I mean nothing, has been done at the house. She missed Decembers rent, acct over-drafted and we helped her fix her car 2 wks ago. Shame on us, I know. Her response was, “ if he has to leave I am too.” She did. Friday she was gone. Left her keys on kitchen counter. Left her large dog there ( ex gave her a home - I cried and cried) but took little pup with her. All her winter clothes are still at the house. She’s made it perfectly clear we won’t see her again. I know we’ve done the right thing. I’m just needing reinforcements ( Especially in this season where “ All is Merry & Bright”) that we will make it through. That we need to NOT reach out to her. I’ve called - she doesn’t pick up. I’ve text, she will answer if we discuss his Probation Officer’s name. Lol it’s a sad, sad game. How do I let go? Thanks again for any words of encouragement.

HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE hugs to you. I have been exactly where you are right now; with my son, his wife and their two kids in our rental property. When I went there to confront them several years ago, they beat the tar out of me and I mean kicked me in the head, knee'd in the face, kicked in the ribs, punched more times than I can count. Yep, I paid ALL the bills - how the eff could I be so dumb and blind. I still love him (them), of course I do - but that time I evicted them and didn't see them for over a year. Frankly I don't currently even remember that year as I am locked on my sons current situation of being a homeless addict.

You will know when you are done - I say you are done but you are going to do what you do from your heart for your (adult) child no matter what anyone says. You have the answers, as do I - but this will never ever ever be easy and pain free. I'm sorry you have to go through all of this. ~much love - ~beebz

 

[New Leaf]

Hi TMT, so sorry for your need to be back here, and sorry for all that is going on with your son and now daughter. What a blow to the gut. I am flabbergasted that at 31, she would succumb to crack? It’s awful stuff.
I am so sorry. It is hard enough with one adult child wayward, I do know the pain of having two gone down the rabbit hole.
I am making my resolution to not only survive this, but to do my best to thrive. Too many years of going down the tubes with my twos choices. Struggling to come to the surface for air. Feeling strong and then wham, something happens to pull the rug from under me and I have to start all over again to build myself back up. It’s exhausting. I have come to realize that while my two are drugknapped I am nothing more than an opportunity to them to try and get whatever they want, to use my resources and my love to continue as is. I don’t want to subject myself to that. I hope that they will come to their senses and find their potential, I just know from too many years of trying that I am not the one to fix them. And, yes I write that over and again as a reminder to myself. There is always that inner critical voice, posing the question about reengaging.”But they are your children.....”
My strong voice replies, “Yes, that is true, but they are also adults making some very terrible choices, that pose a very real danger to my own peace of mind and the sanctuary of my home.”
It is a hard journey we are all on, processing the lifestyles of our beloveds. We all deal with this differently. I pray for your continued strength and healing. It’s a huge dose of “It is what it is”. You sound strong and have a plan. We can only control our own choices. If we only had a magic wand to wave and change things, but we don’t. But, we do have the choice to give it to our higher power. That is what I am having to constantly work at. Letting go and letting God. It is way too much to handle on my own.
Wishing you peace.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Toomanytears]

Too many years of going down the tubes with my twos choices. Struggling to come to the surface for air.

Leafy, I don’t know where the last 20 years have gone.. no kidding. We have been so fully consumed by our adult children. Years never to get back. We deal with the guilt of all the years trying to help our son (25 to be exact) and realizing many times that we weren’t “ helping” at all. This is a huge disadvantage for daughter. She doesn’t understand how we can not stick with her through this ordeal and we’ve explained we have learned a LOT and we won’t allow her to be supported by us in any way. She was here 2 days ago, knowing full well that she came for the gifts ( which she vehemently denied) - they were very useful gifts ( socks, underwear, bathroom supplies for her bathroom) but she left her home. She has no use for these gifts. Her dad gave her restaurant gift cards and some cash which I made perfectly clear the funds were from her Dad...and I disagreed. I asked her what she’s been doing, ( did lose her job), and asked if she talked to her Uncle. She said to me that she doesn’t need to answer my questions. She did however, tell me that she went “off the grid” so we wouldn’t know if she was alive or ok. I looked right at her and asked her why she dislikes us so much that she would want us to be sick with worry? No answer. I finally looked at her and said, “ why are you still here?” She looked at me. I repeated it. She got up, took her gifts and left. No goodbyes, nothing. I did break down today and wish her a Merry Christmas. I did receive a “ u too” response. I guess it’s time to tow in the line and stick to our guns. The irony, our son calls from prison and he’s doing pretty good. He’s reached out to her and she’s not picking up. That speaks volumes. I guess it’s time to give her what she wants .. time, space and no contact. This is certainly a Christmas with few memories to want to remember. We are absolutely blessed beyond measure so I guess we will run with that and try not to look back... blessings to you all...

 

[Copabanana]

I know we’ve done the right thing.

I believe you have.

Let it all go, TMT. There is great love between you and your daughter and you and your son. It oozes off the page, and drips down from each word you write. Right now both kids are safe and sound. Mine too. Let's you and I leave it at that, for today.

PS I am so very glad your son came back to face the music and so very glad he seems to be making the best of it. I remember very well your story and his.

And I'm glad you are back. Be well. Merry Christmas.

 

[RN0441]

Praying for your peace (and for all the mothers here) and a better 2020~

 

[New Leaf]

Leafy, I don’t know where the last 20 years have gone.. no kidding. We have been so fully consumed by our adult children. Years never to get back. We deal with the guilt of all the years trying to help our son (25 to be exact) and realizing many times that we weren’t “ helping” at all. This is a huge disadvantage for daughter.

Your daughter will see it as a disadvantage, but it is not. You and I and all those who have walked this journey know this, but we had to learn it first. I think we all need to look back on past mistakes as valuable lessons. Forget the guilt, during those times we were desperately trying anything and everything to prevent our kids from making horrible choices, we were learning. Some are able to step way back and see the whole picture sooner. I think we all have to process the heartache and chaos in our own time frame. It’s hard in the thick of things to see the light, when our kids are spiraling downward it is devastating. We can’t keep bashing ourselves with retrospect, but we can help others with the knowledge stumbling through the darkness dealt us.

Let it all go, TMT. There is great love between you and your daughter and you and your son. It oozes off the page, and drips down from each word you write. Both kids are safe and sound. Mine too. Let's you and I leave it at that, for today.

Yes, for today and moving forward into the future. If it were up to my two, they would have me dazed and confused, enabling till the death of me. In their drugknapped minds that equates love to them. I have had to learn the hard way, and I am still learning.
The New Year is right around the corner, I am hoping in 2020 I will have clearer vision!
Much love
(((Hugs)))
Leafy