Not a good night

[Wiped Out]

Fran-No need to apologize-I always appreciate your thoughts. And I agree with what you have said.

Heather-I do worry about the violence as he gets older. I know there may come a time when I will have to call the police. Just wish I could be more proactive.

BBK-I think my plan is to call 911 if it happens when I am home alone. Again, actually making that call scares me. I also worry because often his violence doesn't last long and by the time they would get there the problem would be solved.

I know his behavior is over the top with what happened last night and it scares me to think of the future at times. It really bothered me even more this morning when I was talking to easy child. She called him a jerk and a loser and both times he went after her. Not a good choice on her part but part of me understands when he is acting the way he was. When I was driving her to her class I was trying to explain to her how she maybe didn't make the best choice knowing he would probably go after her and that husband or I would need to stop him, which often results in me being hurt. She said I should let her take care of it. I explained how that wasn't a good choice because she could really hurt him and her response was-"so, he hurts you". I don't want her thinking any of this is normal or o.k. and even though we talk about it; I don't want her thinking I'm accepting it.

I just wish I knew what to do. I'm guessing that RTCs are very expensive and not covered by insurance. I also don't think husband would at this point agree to something like that. I am so tired of the violence and walking on eggshells; never knowing what will set him off next. And then when he is dong better and things only erupt once in awhile I start thinking it's getting better but as Linda said even though the violence is happening less often it should be 0 tolerance.

We have a therapist appointment. on Tuesday morning and a psychiatrist appointment. on Wednesday morning. I'm hoping they might have some ideas. I'm also going to start seeing a therapist for myself. That's a big step for me. It goes back to my childhood and mom always seeing one and never getting anywhere. I saw one for a few weeks a couple of years ago but didn't stick with it. I've set up an appointment. for Thursday morning.

Again, I truly appreciate all of your responses and support!

 

[slsh]

Amber,

I hope Fran won't mind if I try to ... if not answer your question, at least explore it (sorry for hijacking your post, Sharon :wink: ).

First off, I have the luxury of having already lived through years of unimaginable violence with- thank you, even though he left home when he was 9. We've already dealt with- having to make the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) decision, 3 times over. My son has finally reached the point where he is safe enough and stable enough to move to a step-down placement. So... we've already been to heck and back several times over. While I really try to remember how I felt when we were in the thick of things, to be honest the pain and frustration and fear have faded a bit - it's why I don't respond as often on the board. I've lost a bit of my legitimacy, if you will, because we haven't had to deal with- gfgness on a day in and day out basis. But...

I do remember enough to know that when we have to live with- violent/abusive behavior on a day-to-day basis, we become a bit immune to it. We lose our perspective of what is "normal" or "acceptable". My very serious concern for Sharon, for *any* parent who has to live with- this level of violence on a regular basis, is that it is incredibly damaging. Not only to the parent, but to the siblings and to the difficult child. I think Sharon's daughter's response is an excellent example. It's heartbreaking but for years my younger two kids knew when to go to a safe place in the home (they were only 5 and 2 when thank you left the first time). Ultimately, we had to put a keyed lock on the upstairs hall door to keep thank you away from them, even though I was here 24/7 to monitor. Again, having had the luxury of *not* living with- the violence for most of the last 7 years, I can see now how utterly damaging that was for my two younger kids.

Damaging to thank you, too. He was out of control. *I* couldn't control him. I could contain him, but that's different and certainly not going to promote change. He used his violence to get attention, to create excitement, or ... just because. It became a very sick coping skill of his, especially since he knew if he kept escalating, at some point I would have to call in reinforcements and have him transported to the hospital (I lost count of admissions at 21 or 22). There was no down side for him, there was no deterrent - not necessarily that a deterrant was the answer because thank you is/was a very ill little boy. Mind you, during this entire time, from age 3 on, we were doing therapy and psychiatrists and intensive in-home therapy. We were tweaking medications left and right - for my son, medications have not been a cure and for quite a long time, weren't even an effective tool. It wasn't touching his behaviors, at home or at school. He injured a teacher at school. It was a matter of time before there were some serious injuries happening at home as well. And how would any of what we were doing, that wasn't working, going to help prepare him to live safely as an adult?

I won't speak for Fran, but my concern in reading about Sharon's evening, and knowing the behaviors she has to deal with far too frequently, is that the degree of her son's violence, the unpredictability and volatility, is not changing and he *is* getting older and bigger.

I don't know what the answer is. I do know that at some point we have to weigh the emotional and physical safety of the entire family. It's a rude shock to step outside of ourselves, see what day to day life with- a difficult child truly entails, really see the abuse for what it is. It's also *incredibly* hard to make the decision to ask for more help that what you're getting, when you know the only "more" left is is an out of home placement. We tried everything to keep thank you home, long after his psychiatrist and outstanding therapist had strongly recommended Residential Treatment Center (RTC). It felt like such a huge personal failure to have to take that step but at the same time, I was covered in bruises and bite marks, my other kids were cowering and getting very emotionally unhealthy, and it was, I believe to this day, simply a matter of time before thank you did something more than break someone's arm and *then* what were we going to do?

If the status quo in your home is frequent violence, then something more has to be done. I would *never* presume to tell anyone to look into RTCs as a definitive answer - that is in my humble opinion an intensely private and personal decision that has to be made based on the strengths and needs of each individual family unit - but at the same time, I think it's important to reinforce to parents who are still in the thick of it that violence is *never* acceptable and that unfortunately (because I do remember well how hard it was to find resources) new treatment options/behavior management/crisis management/whatever you want to call it need to be found, some how, some way, in *any* way you can find it.

 

[Fran]

Sharon, consider that when he attacks someone as he does that the state will make the decision for your son, your husband and you. My fear was always that he would hurt my other child or someone outside the home. I would then not be able to help him and control would be removed from me. (in terms of best interest)Not to mention the guilt I would live with that I allowed it to happen by not interceding when I knew it would happen eventually. To allow easy child to be physically harmed is assault and difficult child would have to pay those consequences. The school will do the same as will parents of other children. Rightfully so. He is not capable of living in the mainstream at this point. Your husband may not be willing to look at other options. You may not be willing to look at other options but you will be faced with a lot of unpleasant and heartbreaking decisions anyhow.

As far as not being able to bear not having them with you, I will agree it is painful but this is about their health and well being and not mine. It is the pain I will live with to know that he won't be hurt or hurt another. It's a huge sacrifice but it's a bit like the story of King Solomon-will you relinquish your physical possession for his well being.

I'm not saying it has to be Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but I am saying that something more has to be done. He has had a horrendous school year socially. He was violent and he is doing what he does to you. I don't blame easy child for a second for disliking difficult child. Your easy child deserves a reasonable homelife. When your easy child starts to beg to go away to school just to get out, you may wonder if protecting difficult child was the best way to go. My easy child didn't act out with drugs and alcohol but he internalized his fear and hate with anxiety of his own and fear. It took a lot of work to get him to come out of the cocoon that he wrapped himself in. The collateral damage made me start to feel that I couldn't help difficult child. He is beyond my ability to cure but I failed my easy child. I could have done more and I should have. I did the best I knew for difficult child but I didn't do what was best for easy child. There has to be a balance.

If husband chooses his comfort in having difficult child over the safety and dignity of his family then you have to ask him why? What makes him think that difficult child living a status quo life surpasses your(and easy child) safety, dignity and quality of life.

The legal system will have the communities best interest in mind and not difficult child's. It's a losing proposition for your difficult child.