Not going that well...

[PatriotsGirl]

I wrote to her PO this morning and thanked her for echoing what husband and I have been saying. Of course she had no idea there have been issues in our home. But I was honest and told her what we were dealing with. She said difficult child (back to calling her that again!) came in yesterday with her list of excuses and that she was tired of hearing them. She said she has been drug testing her but she is clean. Unfortunately, she cannot force her to be medication compliant.

Anyhow, I have been crying and crying and crying. Got puffy eyes at work. Just thinking about that baby. So my husband and I talked and he said that little boy is NOT going to a homeless shelter. Over his dead body would that ever happen! He said SHE can leave, but we will keep Connor.

That alone made me feel a TON better. I don't care what she does at this point. I have done all I can for her...but that baby is innocent and he is my world... <3

 

[dstc_99]

I think it is a good thing you and husband talked it out. I had a feeling once he got attached to the little man there was no way he was going to let him go.

You and husband could set her down and give her the rules. Let her know you are willing to keep the baby until she gets herself together but that if things don't change on her part you may have to try for custody.

 

[2much2recover]

Since you are willing to keep the baby - honestly I would encourage her to go out and have fun. Act like you hope she has a lot of fun. Stop any and all drama and emotional play that has been going on. I say this not to be mean, but to put YOU TWO in a position of strength in caring for Conner. I learned this from reading from the website www.lovefraud.com when someone wanted to get rid of their problematic mate. When they just acted all bored and uninterested in what the person was doing, the person just got bored to death and left. Yes, when they couldn't get the DRAMA they were seeking, couldn't gas-light anymore, they left to go find it somewhere else. Try when dealing with difficult child to not bring your emotional or anything to do with Connor into the conversation. Yes, what I am asking you to do it to try and get your difficult child to abandon her child with you. If you just can't stand one more day with difficult child align in her manipulations to manipulate her right on out the door!

 

[BusynMember]

I'd consult a family lawyer pronto. It's not easy to take a baby away from a mother, even a homeless mother. Find out the laws. Be prepared. Keep your plans close to your chest and bide your time. Don't rush. Listen to the lawyer and mull over what he says.

Good luck and big hugs.

 

[Kathy813]

I kept telling myself that 25 would be the magic number when my difficult child's brain matured and she would finally become a functioning adult. Well, she is 29 now and it still hasn't happened.

PG, I am so sorry that this is happening.

~Kathy

 

[Childofmine]

Someone the other day told me difficult child would be all "normal" by the time he is 30. I know his brain is maturing but 5 more years??!! Ugh.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I calmly told difficult child that we absolutely will take custody of Connor if we feel that is in his best interests. She doesn't have any idea how hard that would be for us to actually do and that is quite alright.

Well, we have a little progress...she got up early yesterday morning, made herself up and applied for an afternoon shift at Dunkin Donuts. She is more than willing to go back on medications and has started taking them again. Thanks to some advice from an awesome member of the board, I have also picked up some vitamin B for her to start taking. She has not been sleeping on the couch and helping out around the house more...BUT, as husband says, we will see how long it lasts...it is only been a couple of days. She repeated to me yesterday that she needed to find a job quick because she didn't have much time before going to see her PO again. I just agreed.

Today she is going to meet a lady at Kroger to pick up a Halloween costume for Connor that works there. The lady said they are most definitely hiring so she will apply while she is there.

So, we will see, but hopefully she has a little fire under her butt...

 

[dstc_99]

Good for you for standing up for yourselves. Hopefully difficult child takes that initiative and keeps moving forward.

 

[Nancy]

PG I remember so clearly when your difficult child was first pregnant and you were so torn on what she should do. A couple of us mentioned the options and asked if you were prepared to raise this child as your own and you thought long and hard and I know how painful it was for you but you decided you could. I understand the alternative was unacceptable. It was difficult for me at that time to even talk about your situation because I was in that same situation a couple years earlier. I had decided that I could not raise a baby at my age and told my daughter that. I do not regret my decision at all and my daughter has told me several times that she does not regret terminating the pregnancy because she now realizes it would have been disaster for her.

The only reason I tell you this is to remind you of the decison that you came to and hopefully bring some peace back into your world. You love that little guy like he is your own and if need be you will be there for him for years to come. Accept your decision and set down your boundaries for your difficult child to get a job and woman up to her responsibilities. She needs you, she cannot get up and leave because she has no place to go. Connor is lucky he has you and husband.

 

[toughlovin]

Oh PG I am there with you too! I think it is really hard to realize that even without the drugs they are still difficult children!! It is wonderful your daughter got clean when she had Connor and has stayed clean, that is an accomplishment.... but unfortunately she has not dealt with her underlying issues that make her a difficult child. I do believe you have to take care of yourself and do whatever you have to do to take care of Connor.

Luckily I have not yet been in the situation with a grandbaby.... but I can easily imagine being in that situation and although I definitely do not want to raise another child and would probably be upset if I had too, I can see that in that situation I probably would.

It sounds like she knows full well she doesnt want to have full time responsibility for Connor and so if she had to leave, my guess is she would leave Connor with you... and it may come to that. Tough choices for sure.

My favorite saying these days is, it is what it is, it will be what it will be. I have come to some sort of peace with the fact that my difficult child is going to make his own way, good or bad. To be honest I will be surprised if he really gets his act together and builds a life but I am hoping he proves me wrong. Time will tell... and he may end up in jail. There is nothing I can do... and I dont think there is anything you can do with your difficult child except set those boundaries and be there for Connor. But I dont think that means she has to continue living with you and doing nothing.

Hugs,

TL


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[PatriotsGirl]

There has been progress. She applied to Kroger yesterday and McDonald's today. She also went and got community service done this morning. Guess she needed to be held accountable by someone other than mom and dad. And that is quite okay with me! Let someone else take over putting their foot up her butt...
medications also make a huge difference. I started taking the vitamin b with her. I like the boost!

 

[susiestar]

I am glad she has made a few attempts to get a job. That is good. in my opinion it is time for 'do to get' to be the rule for the house. difficult child wants car. what will she do FOR YOU to get it? If it is in her name, cease paying the insurance, gas, etc... and make those her responsibilities. If it is in your name, take the keys. When she has done something to EARN those keys for the morning, she gets them. If she wants them in the afternoon, what is she going to do FOR YOU to earn those keys? she has feet and people have walked across the US on their feet, so it isn't life and death for her to have a car.

Babies need things. I am sure she thinks that diapers and formula are part of the family groceries. It is time to disabuse her of this. Let the diapers run out. When she doesn't have any, tell her to go buy some. It is her kid, after all. When she has 'no money', offer to drive her to the pawn shop so she can pawn her mp3 player or phone or whatever to buy the diapers. THAT is what broke parents do. The shock of you offering to drive her to the pawnshop will be dramatic. A good thing because it will stick in his mind. It has to sink home that she has to pay these bills if she is his mother. having you and your husband provide all of this for her until she gets off her tushie and 'feels like it' isn't a viable solution.

You need to go and sit down with a social worker at CPS to find out what criteria they watch for in situations with recovering addicts who use whatever she used, and what the criteria for taking custody would be and how to document those criteria. Do this WITHOUT difficult child and ESPECIALLY WITHOUT difficult child'S KNOWLEDGE You are not planning to take custody, you are arming yourself with the info that you will need if she makes unsafe decisions. This is NOT to throw in her face during arguments. It is research to keep the baby safe, PERIOD.

You also need a family law attorney. He should give you info on custody, guardianship, emergency situations and how to handle them, what you can and should do if difficult child disappears with the baby. ALL of this is very different from state to state and even city to city. I know in MWM's situation, CPS must see bruises or marks and have an adult tell them that they saw the abuse to even get a report taken by phone. In my area? We had cops out regularly over one neighbor sending his 5yo out to watch his 2yo child run around after dark - around their unfenced pond. It got a full investigation of the family and parenting and child care classes for the parents and the elderly gma who lived with them. That is a HUGE difference in response and is just an illustration of the differences between jurisdictions and agencies. So go and ask what is involved NOW so that you are prepared later.

As you gather this info, you also do a search on "Do to Get" in the archives, esp Fran's posts. Read what is said about it and how to implement it with adult children.



I want to say that I am well and truly thankful that she is not taking drugs.


























That being said, if all anyone ever asked of you was for you to not take drugs, well, they sure don't think you are capable of doing anything interesting or worthwhile or of value, now do they?