Not sure how I survived

[stillhopeful]

I just officially joined this forum, but the warrior parents on this site have been guiding and helping me for the past 7 years. I won't write out the whole, long heartbreaking saga that has kept me glued to this site. However, I will give a brief summary of the past 14 years on son that was adopted at age 4 from foster care. He has two brothers and a sister who are launched and doing ok.
Mental health evaluations and counselling until age 26 when insurance no longer available.
Bipolar, ADHD, Reactive attachment disorder, major depression, drug addiction
Jail X 4
Prison X 1
suicidal ideation - one almost successful attempt resulting in intensive care 7 days
Inability to hold a job
Homeless X 3 years
Rehabs - X 7 - completed only one but relapsed 7 months later. All were short term 30 - 60 days. Not enought to really get clean
Graduated high school and complete one year of college.
Currently living with a friend over 200 miles away
On the positive side - he does not call me names or abuse me in that way. Always says "I love you" when he calls - but is usually asking for something.
Husband - his father and my soul mate has been constant strength in dealing with this and was the first to detach. I turned him over to God in 2015 on the advice of some wonderful people on this forum.
Also learned about radical acceptance on this site and I pracitice it daily.
I have accepted also from this forum that a miracle is not likely. It is his life to live even though I am so very sad he chose this path. So I am living my life, hoping and praying for a change for him and on a very small scale, I am stillhopeful.

 

[Copabanana]

Welcome Stillhopeful. I am glad you're now formally here.

I adopted my son from foster care too. He was 22 months. He is now 32. What can I say?

My son also completed a year of college. Honestly, I would never ever have imagined he would take the path he did. But now that we are here I kind of see it as inevitable. He lives marginally. He will live as he is able. My son can't hold a job or won't.

I am not helping anymore. It's not my problem. I recognize now and accept that all lives don't go on an upswing. It's hard but way less hard than it used to be.

I used to put myself at the center. It's like I acted as the punching bag in his life. I felt all of the blows. I felt them when he didn't.

Finally, when I had allowed myself to be almost destroyed, I began to take myself out of the ring. I had to make a choice between life and death. I chose to live.

You are not alone. You know that.

I think there is room for hope. But the only way that can work, is as you say, letting go. Acceptance, that we are out of it. Getting out of the ring.

 

[BusynMember1]

Hi. I am so sorry for your.pain.

My daughter is adopted and very young but she acts as if she is not attached to any of us. She has chosen not to get help and to be homeless. We don't talk to her, even on holidays. Her choice because we no longer give her money.

I have no hope and have let go with love. Whatever happens just does. We are doing better now. Kay is not.

All we can do is pray for them and take care of ourselves. Like you,I have other loved ones, including kids. I choose to focus on my husband, my kids, grands and myself. I can not do anything for Kay....we tried and tried.

Prayers and hugs.

 

[Nomad]

Welcome. I see you have been through a lot. My heart aches for you. I / we well understand. Our daughter is adopted. She has the adhd/ bipolar diagnosis. It’s been VERY difficult starting around 18 months. Mind boggling. She is 30 plus years now. The teen years were frightening. There has been a lot of cumulative damage. There have been teeny tiny improvements and n recent years. She can not work due to mood swings and little to no understanding of cause and effect. She is no longer abusive. Often ungrateful (big time) at times a bit mean ...but nothing truly abusive. My heart still hurts some days...for what it might have been had she been a healthy individual. She does seem to have a good heart. Some days I ache in my soul..but fortunately not nearly as much as in the past. Life moves on. I no longer ask why and so forth. Because there simply is no answer. I still have some hope that things might improve. It might be another “teeny tiny” step...but I’ll be grateful.

 

[JMom]

Still hopeful,

yes,indeed, there is always hope. You have been through a lot. I am glad you’re here!

 

[JMoms]

I would love to continue this conversation as I have a 19 year old son ( adopted from Russia at 2.5 years old). No one could diagnose him due to the fact that he is incredibly high functioning and a pathological liar. He could sell you a river in the Mojave Desert. finally, about 2 years ago the Social worker said he has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Well, long story short, the one man that he was attached to was his dad and my husband passed away 4 years ago. Since then it has been hell with him. He graduated High School this past June, got into the Marines - was at Boot Camp and something happened and now they are sending him home with a Certificate of Release. A year ago he put on social media that he had thoughts of Suicide - the Principal of our High School found this out and contacted the police - the police came to visit and my son said I would never hurt myself, I just did that to see who would respond. It was not a 5150. Last week the Marines found this out due to a police report and they let him go. When I found out, I had a nervous breakdown and had to go to the Emergency room due to extreme anxiety. This kid is extremely capable of holding a job and making a life for himself. I do not want him to come home and live with me as it is unhealthy for me . Any thoughts or opinions would be welcomed. Idea for jobs...? Transitional housing?

 

[Crayola13]

It seems like I'm always hearing about children adopted from Russia having this problem. From what I understand, those orphanages aren't very nurturing and many children grow up to be numb and lacking compassion. We adopted our son at age 2, but not from Russia because we had read about children from Russia having these problems. There are a lot of problems with Russian orphanages. It doesn't surprise me he was diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder. These children are failed by the system and environment in which they have been in. Many adoptive parents go through this. I don't have any advice other than to try to take care of yourself and don't blame yourself for something you didn't cause. Clearly, the system fails these children.

 

[ksm]

Job Corp?

 

[BusynMember1]

Reactive attachment disorder is common in ALL adopted children and is grossly underdiagnosed leaving loving parents puzzled. It is called ADHD, autism, bipolar, everything but what it is.

My daughter is not diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), but I know she has it and we brought her home at only three months old. 2.5 years is even longer. in my opinion all adoptive parents should be told about Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) before adoption happens. We don't know what to do and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids can sometimes be very loving (act loving) and that fools us!

I was recently told by a woman who adopted her daughter when we did that her daughter was so loving and devoted to them as a child. She came home at age 3.

Yet this same little girl was different and troubled, had sleep issues, school problems, rages, stole and was VERY mean to her older sister. She is now in her late 30s and a homeless drug addict who only calls her Mom to ask for money. She thinks her daughter has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

Losing your biological parents, especially Mom, is a big hurt to adopted infants. Some say we always remember bio mom's voice from hearing it in the womb. I did NOT want to consider it possible that Kay missed a mother she never met. To me, and to most adoptive parents, I was the only Mom. I now think I was very naive.

If we had known about Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), things may have ended up the same, but we would have had a better understanding of Kay and may have blamed ourselves less. There is a natural connection mother's and the babies they carried just have with one another. I found out after giving birth.

Hugs and prayers.

 

[Copabanana]

What are widespread among adopted children and in the general population, as I remember about 38 percent are several styles of disordered attachment of which reactive attachment disorder is the worst, but not untreatable. Attachment is so critical that babies in orphanages even here used to die for lack of it. There are less severe and quite common other attachment styles like disorganized, ambivalent, and avoidant.

 

[BusynMember1]

It needs very early treatment and there is no consensus on what treatment works, if any. It is unlikely Kay could overcome it at her age. She wouldn't even try. That's why I wish I had known when Kay was first with me and she was still a baby. But I had no understanding of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). When I told the pediatrician that Kay would not look me in the eyes, he just said to wait....maybe she has mild autism. He was a very well respected pediatrician but he clearly thought she was fine. I had a very early feeling that something was off but I had no idea what...and did not know about Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) until she was older. I have no idea what type of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) she has but she has it and she is not doing well.

I totally feel the pain of this poster.

 

[JMoms]

Job Corp?

I was looking into that. The reviews of our local job Corp are terrible, but still on the table. Thank you!!

 

[JMoms]

It needs very early treatment and there is no consensus on what treatment works, if any. It is unlikely Kay could overcome it at her age. She wouldn't even try. That's why I wish I had known when Kay was first with me and she was still a baby. But I had no understanding of Reactive Attachment Disorder (Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)). When I told the pediatrician that Kay would not look me in the eyes, he just said to wait....maybe she has mild autism. He was a very well respected pediatrician but he clearly thought she was fine. I had a very early feeling that something was off but I had no idea what...and did not know about Reactive Attachment Disorder (Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)) until she was older. I have no idea what type of Reactive Attachment Disorder (Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)) she has but she has it and she is not doing well.

I totally feel the pain of this poster.

I appreciate that. And I feel your pain. He is incredibly high functioning, he just does not care, due to lack of attachment. Also he has FASE - mild but still has the effects. Had I known, I would be living like this without my late husband...I would have never had adopted. It was just in the last few years ( after 15 years of therapy for him) that we are finding out that it is Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). He just might end up homeless, as I can not live for him and care more about his future than he does.

 

[Nandina]

I think you can choose the Job Corp city, because not all of them offer the same programs. They have a variety of course offerings and if you will go to their main website and search for the course you want, it will show which cities offer it. In so doing, you will also probably find better reviewed locations.

 

[JMoms]

Another question...Has anybody applied for Social Security Disability Benefits with a young adult child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)?

 

[JMoms]

I think you can choose the Job Corp city, because not all of them offer the same programs. They have a variety of course offerings and if you will go to their main website and search for the course you want, it will show which cities offer it. In so doing, you will also probably find better reviewed locations.

Thanks!!

 

[Copabanana]

My son went to Job Corps. I loved it! He didn't. But he did complete the program.

 

[JMoms]

My son went to Job Corps. I loved it! He didn't. But he did complete the program.

May I ask which Job Corps he went to? I read so many reviews about various locations - it was disheartening.

 

[Copabanana]

Treasure Island in the San Francisco Bay.