"Oh, the Places You'll Go!"

[New Leaf]

Love the book.
Didn't realize back then, the places we would all go with this.
Addiction.
YUCK.
I haven't written a thread in a while, been replying, and speaking to myself with the words I type out to everyone.
Keep going, Leafy, keep trodding on.
Been walking and praying, and trying to keep in good spirits, keep my health and mind frame on the upside.
Wrote about "seeing" Rain around T-Day and thinking about trying to visit her at the park she's in, just to try and keep some kind of connection.
Not an enabling thing, just so she knows that we do think of her, and love her.
Haven't done it, yet.

I am okay with that.

It is hard, the park. Scary even.
She seems to be okay with her living situation.
I can't fathom it.
Living in a park.
Sigh.
It is what it is.

Been super busy with work and sons activities, still coaching.
Working through the grief of losing hubs.
It will be two Christmases this year.
It is odd how holidays mark losses.
They do.
But, it is not the searing, agonizing pain it was.
Time does heal.
I am a sort of mess this morning, didn't go walking.
Its okay, sometimes the body needs a break.

Sorry, everything is gobbledy gook at times, and I have this kind of numb feeling today. Missed my walk then realized I needed to process recent events.
So, here I am.
Thanks for allowing me to vent gang.

Instagram.
Hoku says to me yesterday, that my grandson posted a video of a fight he was in.
He and his sibs are living in a tough area with their paternal grandparents, parents still off the rails, somewhere out there.
YUCK.
So, I replied on his idiotic post, to call me.
His little sister did. She is so cute.
"Grandson, what in the heck are you doing?"
Some nonsense about the kid "calling him out" yada, yada.
Of course, I am thinking about all that these kids have gone through, with their drug crazed parents, its a no wonder at 13, he is making stupid choices, acting out.
"Please God, don't let this be a generational cycle."
Got to talk with his gma, who had no idea what he had posted.
Got to talk with her a bit more about their situation and glad to know that they are finally taking steps to get help from the system.

Back story...........
Tornado had made a drama infused call to me near a month ago, that she was going to "get her kids" and go to a shelter (Lie, lie, lie). That "I had to come the next morning and help her."
Didn't fall for that one.
Gma, had the EBT card, as she should, because she is housing, caring for and feeding the kids.
So, Tornado cut off their EBT, claiming the card stolen, so she could get another one and have all the food money for herself.
Basically, stealing from her own kids.
YUCK.
"Oh, the Places You'll Go!"
Stomach churns.
Its a no wonder her 13 year old is acting out.
I, for the umpteenth time, encourage Gma, to get the three grands into counseling.
Sigh.
I hope that it happens.
They are leery of involvement of the system, because we have all heard of horror stories of foster care, and we have been down the road of CPS trying to keep the family together, counseling for the parents, feigned attempts at cleaning up, only to cycle right back to the same old, same old, my grands used as cash cows for the EBT funds.
I told her that my daughter was committing fraud. Pretending she had her kids with her, receiving funds for them, funding her using with that.
We shall see how this plays out............
I am not concerned if she gets busted and goes to jail. My deepest concern is for my grands.
Actually, truthfully, jail may be a good thing for their mother.
That's how I look at it.

Breathe Leafy.

Blossom goes to see Rain off and on.
Latest report was that Tornado, (who has been off the radar since the attempt to grab her kids failed), went to the park where Rain is at, and ended up stealing one of Rains "friends" purse.

"Oh, the Places You'll Go!"

So, she is stealing from homeless people .
YUCK.
Just yuck.

I am not going into the swirley whirley.
Just feeling a bit sad, and....like I wrote.....numb.
Okay, a bit sick to my stomach.
Tired.

I just want to wake up from this nightmare.
For all of us.
So, I am here.
With all of you guys.

So much to process, and not.
What on earth is to be done?
Thy will, on earth as it is in heaven.

They will do as they do.

So, on bended knee, I pray.
God, please help us all.

Tired Leafy

 

[Lil]

Oh Leafy...my heart breaks for you reading this and all I can do is send my kind thoughts and heartfelt prayers and cyber hugs over the long, cold distance. No mother should have to write these words.

Much love to you. You are not now, and never, alone in this.

 

[Enmeshedmom]

Nobody should have to endure so much pain. I’m sorry for your loss on top of all of the other struggles.

 

[RN0441]

Leafy

So sorry to hear this. It's just so much better not to KNOW what's going on isn't it? Then we don't have to think about it, analyze it, break it down - over and over again in our heads. Sometimes I feel like my head will explode. Then I wonder if it hurts our brain to think so much! Does everyone think as much about everything as we do (the mothers of addicts?)?

No news is good news. There's a lot of truth to that. At least with our son.

Cyber hugs - you are so strong and I know you'll get through it. You have a lot on your plate.

 

[Littleboylost]

Oh my dear Leafy. I am sending you the biggest cyber hug and energy boost I can send!

To write these words of our own stories and then read them with half hystericle doubt....is it true?? Is it real....sometimes being here amongst my Difficult Child and AC kin is the only sense I have that this is true and real. So good we are not alone. Leafy you are not alone.

Time does heal.

Time does heal and support and kindness help pass the time. Vent vent vent away!

I am a sort of mess this morning, didn't go walking.
Its okay, sometimes the body needs a break.

My body has been on an exercise break for a year. I am getting there. I used to merely think about exercise, or anything for myself for that matter and hyperventilate with an attack of anxiety. It is getting better. More time for me. You have taught me how important that is in order to survive this addiction madness.

Instagram

Ugh!!! Social media and Snapchat are the bain of my existence at the moment. Old druggies and druggie GFs barraging my son. They are all so Gangsta brave behind their rediculous little keyboards. Man the way they carry on is like an episode of Good Fellas. We live in a nice neighbourhood!!! What the hell is getting these young adults to behave like this??!!! Oh ya drugs. Social media and the engagement of negative outcomes what a thing to deal with.

Please God, don't let this be a generational cycle."

I feel that. I escaped it only to fall into it with my son. I try hard not to focus on that. As I say shake any family tree hard enough and a few skeletons are bound to fall out.

So, Tornado cut off their EBT, claiming the card stolen, so she could get another one and have all the food money for herself.
Basically, stealing from her own kids.
YUCK.

This is the mind and brain of the addict. Drug napped. I often feel the overwhelming shame they feel for their actions when sober is what drives them to relapse.
I told my son today I trust you to do this certain thing. He looked and me tearful and said do you trust me?! I said none of us are perfect and today is today. One step at a time and yes today I trust you to do this one thing. And tomorrow I will trust you more becuze today I trusted you. I have had several texts from him giving me the play by play report of his actions. It was to give the school $10 to register for a special event. This reminded me how fragile and broken they are from their dance with the drug devil.

"Oh, the Places You'll Go!"
Stomach churns.

Oh the places we go indeed. To the Park Aka home to visit, jail to visit, court again and again and again. Once again my dear Leafy you are not alone. We are all here with you.

I am not concerned if she gets busted and goes to jail. My deepest concern is for my grands.

Actually, truthfully, jail may be a good thing for their mother.
That's how I look at it.

We are in the throes of hoping our sons experience in jail will be the catalyst needed for change. Who knows. Baby steps one day at a time. At least you know they are warm and fed with a roof over their head and drugging is tough with no barter in Jail.

Breathe Leafy.

Ahh yes breath breath breath. I have started a morning meditate ritual. It has helped tremendously with the PTSD anxiety I wake with. I could not even possibly describe this feeling to anyone, it is horrible. Fortunately I am among those who require no explain.

I am not going into the swirley whirley.
Just feeling a bit sad, and....like I wrote.....numb.

Oh how I know this sense and place. It’s ok to be there just don’t dwell too long dear Leafy. Yes it is ok to feel numb and sad. Recognize it and remember these feelings do nothing to change the outcome with our AC. So hug yourself be good to yourself and steer clear of the Swirley Whirley. We are here to catch you, to lift you up.

I just want to wake up from this nightmare.
For all of us.
So, I am here.
With all of you guys.

Oh how I wish I could wake from this awful nightmare as well. As I am certain we all do. It is there it is ours to observe, not to own, fix or change. It is the most exhausting observational exercise I have ever been through!!

So, on bended knee, I pray.
God, please help us all.

I belive in a higher power. I have to believe their is something greater than us all. I often feel this is what helps me keep on keeping on when I need to, have to and can’t seam to understand how I managed. Foot prints in the sand.

Circiling the wagons Leafy!

 

[BusynMember]

You are so strong, Leafy. Even when you feel weak, you keep on and keep trying through all the loss and pain you have endured. And you help us so much. And with so much wisdom and kindness.

Love and hugs for a hero.

 

[Sam3]

I mentioned on my thread that I was on Oahu recently, and drove by several parks as we were doing our thing. I had this wild thought, that if I came across a young homeless woman, I would just look her in the eye and say something like, "be done with this and go home. your mom is waiting for you." Maybe plant a little seed from "beyond." One chance in a 1000, it would be your Rain. But I might still have done it.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Oh Leafy, I'm reading along too......it's all so, so hard. Even in your suffering and pain, you are still so courageous.... filled with integrity, truth, eloquence and compassion..... within a heartbreaking scenario you have no control over.

Sending prayers for your family and warm, caring big hugs for you Leafy....

 

[New Leaf]

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Oh Leafy...my heart breaks for you reading this and all I can do is send my kind thoughts and heartfelt prayers and cyber hugs over the long, cold distance. No mother should have to write these words.

Lil, you have been through so much. We have all been through the wringer with our kids choices. Thank you for the hugs, thoughts and prayers. It is an immeasurable comfort to know people understand the pain of it. I would not wish this on anyone, and am in awe of all of the kind folks here, enduring so much on this journey.

I’m sorry for your loss on top of all of the other struggles.

Thank you Enmeshed. You know, I am so grateful for the life I had with hubs. I am trying to reflect on the good times, to be thankful for what we had together. Even with my two. Still lighting that proverbial candle in the window, hoping they will find their way through this.

It's just so much better not to KNOW what's going on isn't it? Then we don't have to think about it, analyze it, break it down - over and over again in our heads. Sometimes I feel like my head will explode.

Not knowing, and knowing. Both hard places to be. RN, my heart goes out to you, prayers for strength as you visit your son.

I am sending you the biggest cyber hug and energy boost I can send!

Thank you LBL.

He looked and me tearful and said do you trust me?! I said none of us are perfect and today is today

This is the hard part. The realization that drugs drive the bus. I keep saying to myself that my girls in their right mind, would not be doing these things. Somewhere in there, they must be just as shocked at themselves as we are.

This reminded me how fragile and broken they are from their dance with the drug devil.

I hope and pray that your son will continue to take steps to set himself free of it, LBL.

I have started a morning meditate ritual.

Good. That is a wonderful start. When you are ready, you will find movement and exercise. I am glad you are taking care of you!

Circiling the wagons Leafy!

Thank you LBL, likewise for you and hubs. I am thinking of you both. It is a difficult thing you are going through with your boy.

Love and hugs for a hero.

Swot, you are the hero. Still here and sharing so much kindness and wisdom across the forum. You are a treasure of knowledge and love.

I mentioned on my thread that I was on Oahu recently, and drove by several parks as we were doing our thing. I had this wild thought, that if I came across a young homeless woman, I would just look her in the eye and say something like, "be done with this and go home. your mom is waiting for you."

Thank you Sam for thinking of my girl. I am sure you were shocked at the amount of homeless we have in our parks here. Certain areas are like refugee camps. It is so sad.
I thank you for reaching out to me, even in your struggles with your ongoing battle.

Sending prayers for your family and warm, caring big hugs for you Leafy....

Thank you RE. Your posts have helped me so much along this journey. Your strength and ability to be thankful for the blessings you have, is a lighthouse shining brightly on the craggy rocks in the storm.
Today is another day. I sit in the stillness of the morning, crisp cool air wafting through the window. Cloudless, dark skies filled with stars.

It is a good time to be still, and reflect on what I do have. I have my health. I have had, many, many beautiful moments in my life.

"It is during our darkest moments, that we must focus to see the light."
Aristotle

I am so thankful for one more day, one more moment to breath and walk this earth. There are many who suffer through so much, yet find ways to carry on. Life is hard, and beautiful all at the same time.

I pray that my grandchildren will strive for a better life. That my two will break free of drugs.

It is all I can do at this moment, but, prayer is a powerful thing.

Thank you all so much for your comfort and help.
You are all bright shining stars helping one another to navigate through the darkness.

(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Albatross]

Leafy, you are a hero indeed, such a voice of strength and compassion around here, in a fight none of us ever imagined being in.

You have endured so much without ever becoming hard-hearted or cynical. I don't know how you do it.

I hope the seeds the grandparents are planting are the ones that sprout, and the seeds the parents are planting don't.

I saw a quote yesterday I found interesting:

"A lack of healthy boundaries can lead to our compassion being blown away before it's had a chance to take root."

I hope one day Tornado catches a glimmer...somehow finds her way out of this hell of her own making. Until then, at least your grandchildren have some protection against it, a safe place, grandparents who notice and care. I pray that down the road all the little and large things you do will help them put all of this into some kind of perspective.

 

[New Leaf]

Oh Albie, you have endured much as well.

"A lack of healthy boundaries can lead to our compassion being blown away before it's had a chance to take root."

This is an interesting quote. It is akin to the thought that if we don't properly love ourselves, we cannot love others. Setting healthy boundaries. You know, I am one of those people who has a bad habit of saying yes, when I really should say no. IF I have learned anything from this long hard journey, it is that love says no.
I think it is as much for our d cs, as it is for us, that they should not continue to tread upon their parents as rugs. Hopefully, it will teach them, to work towards their own self care, and self respect.
To not tread upon themselves with the choices they make.

I hope one day Tornado catches a glimmer...somehow finds her way out of this hell of her own making. Until then, at least your grandchildren have some protection against it, a safe place, grandparents who notice and care. I pray that down the road all the little and large things you do will help them put all of this into some kind of perspective.

Me, too, Alb, me too. Tornado is somewhere in there.
I am so thankful that my grands do have a place to be with their paternal grandparents. It is not possible for me to take them in, okay, well it is, but....... my son is my priority. I have had to set a boundary there, and it is not an easy one for me. He has endured so much, through all of this. It is my job to focus on getting him through high school. I cherish the moments we spend together, and realize that I could have very well lost him. He is nearing 17, and still likes to hang out with his mom. We are able to have heartfelt, deep discussions.
I am so very thankful for that.
Life is full of learning.
I am thankful for my life.
RE wrote that she cherishes every moment in her life, even the hard ones, well not in those exact words, but the tone is similar. Copa wrote in a post that there must be something for us to learn from our journeys in this, and I think that is so true.
I am feeling much better today.
Finding my way back away from the numbness, to gratitude.
I will have setbacks, for sure, life can knock us down at times.
I am so very thankful for your reaching out to me, and hope that all is well with you, Albie.
As Kalahou says, we are going to be alright.

(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Tanya M]

Oh Leafy I do hope you are feeling better today. Indeed, the places you will go. Oh to think that we could wake up from the nightmare. To wake up and find our adult children are well and whole, living a responsible life, calling us to see how we are doing, going to lunch with them, having them over for dinner, etc....... Oh what would that feel like?? But instead we are here, this very special place where we can come and share with each other, where we can support each other.
You are such an amazing warrior parent. You offer so much hope and strength to us all.
Sending you ((HUGS))

 

[Feeling Sad]

Oh, Leafy. I am so sorry that you are going through so much pain. You are trying to grieve the loss of Hubs, but you are constantly faced with worry...crazy-making worry, that you have no control over. How horrible to ache and fear so much for your grands.

You are probably one of the strongest women that I have ever known. You have such courage and inner strength. You write about your pain so eloquently. You are always there to help others in need, while all the while, enduring such unbelievable grief and worry.

I have been reading about ambivalent grief. It is when a person is still alive, but they do not act like themselves anymore due to mental illness, addiction, brain trauma, etc. You continue to grieve for the person that they once were, that you have lost, and for the dreams that you had for them.

Ambivalent grief also deals with the person still being alive and, yet you don't know where they are, if you will see them again, or if they will commit suicide, overdose, or be hurt by others.

There is no closure. You continue to grieve. Most of the parents on this site are enduring both types of ambivalent grief.

I am sending out prayers and positive thoughts for you. You are worrying about your precious grands who are mere ponds in this sick game of unending chess...

We are all here for you. Take care of yourself and your son. Stay healthy and surround yourself with positive thoughts and memories. Yes, holidays mark time, both good and bad. Cherish your good memories of Hubs and know that you are truly blessed to have such a wonderful son.

Please, take care of yourself, dear Leafy.

 

[New Leaf]

Dearest Feeling, thank you so much for your kind words.

I am sending out prayers and positive thoughts for you. You are worrying about your precious grands who are mere ponds in this sick game of unending chess...

Prayers are powerful and I do so appreciate your reaching out in your own trying times.
I am glad that my grands have a place with their paternal grandparents. It is a sad thing that their parents are under the grip of drugs, so much so that they have abandoned their children. It is a good thing that the kids are not with them, they witnessed too much already. In the end all, it will be their decision when they grow up, which road to take. I was reminded by a new friend who grew up in similar circumstances, that she and her sister chose well. It is possible. So, I try to focus on that. I try my best not to worry, because it does nothing but cause me stress, which in turn, does nothing but ruin my health.

We are all here for you. Take care of yourself and your son. Stay healthy and surround yourself with positive thoughts and memories. Yes, holidays mark time, both good and bad. Cherish your good memories of Hubs and know that you are truly blessed to have such a wonderful son.

Thank you Feeling, you are very loving and kind. This is exactly what I am determined to focus on. There is no sense in going down a dark hole of depression and dismay. It does no good for anybody. There are so many, many things to be thankful for.
I hope, Feeling that you are doing well. I know things are very difficult for you. Please take some time for yourself dear friend!
(((HUGS)))
Leafy