Onions

[newstart]

I was sick with allergies and an eye infection, I was put on antibiotics. My daughter brings over some homemade soup. She said she made it especially for me without onions, if I eat onions they keep me up all night. I ate the soup and it had some onion powder in it and kept me up all night while I was already feeling bad.
Many times I just don't trust the food she brings over, I took a stupid chance.
My daughter tells me she had to redo a mammogram. She told me she has to pay $300 of her own money to take another redo of it. I could tell in her voice that she was not stressed out.
Later that day I get a call from one of her credit cards. They asked me if I was her wife. Guess they just thought we were a gay couple.
I said yes so I could hear all the charges she made and the amount. She has a credit card bill over due for over $2000. So now I am thinking she is going to try to rip me off and say it is for her mammogram. I told her I wanted to go with her to listen to what the Dr said and she said NO because of Covid. The Dr offices are relaxing a bit more and letting more people into the offices, so I do not believe this. The more questions I asked the more the answers have changed and I told her I need to be there and listen to what the Dr will say. No way am I going to give her the money, she has lied about medical stuff in the past, many times. I did not forget.
She will be 39 very soon. At 39 I was helping my parents, never wanting to worry them and no way would it enter my mind on how I could rip them off.
My daughter came over yesterday, she cut her hair short and I think her hair looks better and I see she has put on even more weight. She is small boned and is not built to hold a lot of weight. I know it bothers her and I pray that she can get a hold of it before it causes some major problems.
My husband sat at the table and listened to lie after lie coming out of her mouth. He is gray and pale. I want him to share her with me but I do not think he can be around her, I truly believe he does not have the fortitude or stomach or patience or whatever it takes to tolerate her. My priority is my husband and I have to help look after his health I cannot stand to see him so grieved after spending a few minutes with her. And just like me, he loves her and want to enjoy his only child.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear newstart

I am sorry it's just so, so hard all of the time. It is for me too. I love my son but can't be around him, for the same kinds of reasons. There is the same disorganization, manipulation, chaos and general craziness. I can't bear to see what he has become; what his life has become.

I feel just like your husband looks. And I feel despair that my life will always be defined by this cycle. My son is a beloved only child. Like you, I love him, and I just don't know how to reconcile the conflicting emotions, sometimes.

Out of sight, out of mind, is when I do the best. I can enjoy my life when I can imagine he is okay. When he calls and wants something from me--generally to move back into the other house--I can't bear it. There is so much water under the bridge, I can't let him back. But knowing he is homeless, is unbearable, too.

I am writing to let you know I understand all too fully and well, how painful your situation is, because I share it.

 

[newstart]

Hi Copa, I am sad that you are right there with me on this very hard journey. If one of us figures out how to handle the conflicting emotions lets make sure to share that information.
I remember making a list of all the things my daughter does that upsets me. I put the very long list in the kitchen to where I can see it everyday. Each time she called for money or tell me how broke she was I would look at that list and say to myself 'That is very expensive behavior' it helped me not feel bad about not giving her money or stepping back from her nonsense. Also when I keep a list of recent harm done by her it helps me not dwell on what could have been and what I maybe missing by having a healthy relationship with her.

My daughter and other adults have NO idea how expensive their nasty behavior is. My daughter would be way ahead if she did not have such toxic ways.

Thank you for fully understanding me. I appreciate you.

.

 

[BusynMember1]

NewStart, again I am sorry for what you put up with from your daughter. Now I hope I done offend you...that is not my intent AT ALL....but....I think your life would be a lot more serene if you just let things like your almost 40 year old daughters credit card bills go. If I got a call from Kay's doctor asking if I was her wife I have learned not to snoop (yes, I used to) and I just woould have told the truth and let Kay deal with it.

Ignorance is bliss and you really in my opinion might be better off to maybe not keep trying to see what your daughter is up to or if she's lying to you. It doesn't change anything for her and it just makes you feel badly. Trust me, Kay is a big liar too. I get it.

At 39 your daughter probably needs to go to the doctor without you. She alone needs to sort out her medical problems, right?? I haven't gone to a doctor with even Kay or any of my.kids since they have been 18. They don't want or need me there and medical appointments in my opinion are not our business. It really is something parents usually do with young kids. Do yourself a favor and don't go. Your life would perhaps be happier if you focused more on you and less on trying to control your daughter's boyfriend or credit cards or to find out whether or not she.lies. if she is like Kay, I never trust what Kay says. Its my default response to anything Kay says.

I no longer know what Kay is doing. And to be blunt....what she does and how she lives and her lack of honesty drives me nuts. Sometimes I want to strangle her....not really but I get that frustrated so I try not to know what she does. It hurts me to know and does not help her either. You might want to practice detachment for your own sake.

Having a relationship with your daughter, and I know and support that you want one, means that she will be who she is and that if you accept her rather than trying to change her YOU will be more at peace. And it's you I am concerned about. It's pointless for your mental health to keep wishing she would dump the dork, manage her money better, respect you more, be a better person....she is not going to change unless she wants to. Acceptance is a big relief. Have you heard of Radical Acceptance? Great book called Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach.

I hope you can solve this in a way that gives you peace. Perhaps try to stay out of her drama. See how you feel backing off from getting too involved in her stuff. You can always go back to the way it is now but in my opinion it's good to try new ways.

"Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity."

I also love the Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I CAN NOT CHANGE,
The COURAGE to change the things I can (like ourselves)
And the WISDOM to know the difference.

I again did not mean to offend. I just saw myself from ten years ago. Take anything you like but most certainly leave the rest. Sending prayers and hugs.

 

[newstart]

BusyNMember, I do get what you are saying. I also have to add that I do have some ok time with my daughter when she is not manic. Is that small amount of 'ok' time worth the grief she puts me through? Sometimes I think yes and sometimes I think no. She puts effort into coming by once or twice a week to do a family activity and sometimes we enjoy her, then again only when she is not manic. OFF/ON. As long as she is living in my rent home I will pry into her financial business because if it gets real bad I can start making other plans for our rent home. My daughter only has a few more years on the house to have it paid off in full, and when that comes I will not give a S about her finances. Since she makes an effort to come by and somedays she is bearable it gives me a little something to sit on. Sometimes I wonder if it would easier if she was horrible all the time without some peppered specks of ok-ness. I have tried several times to get her out of my life and that seems to be harder on me..
I am looking at her through 'mother eyes'. I would not tolerate anyone ever that treated me that way. There are times that I think she genuinely loves me and just like that, when the switch turns she hates me, it is the nature of the illness. My friends that have daughters go to Dr appointments together, no matter what the age. My friends that have daughters hang out with each other and do fun shopping things together on an everyday basis. My own daughter calls me at least twice a day or texts. My workout partner and her grown daughter do something together everyday. If my mother lived close and was still alive I would do something with her or communicate with her daily.

I have read the detachment post on here several times and I have it copied and read it regularly. I have not read the book Radical acceptance. I understand fully that she will not change unless she is ready and ONLY when she is ready if ever.
I once had a therapist that told me her mother was a narcissist. I asked her why she is still in communication with her mother and she said it is because of the tiny time she is ok. That is it for me too, for the small amount of ok time. I come on here to air out my feelings and to learn. Each situation is different.

 

[RN0441]

I'm so sorry for you both. When I am upset I just pray. We cannot fix everything. Sometimes we cannot fix anything.

Sometimes I think God must be sick of hearing my same prayers but then I know he isn't.

 

[BusynMember1]

Hi New Start. I'm glad you do have good times. My Kay is probably borderline and maybe also bipolar... She refused to see a psychiatrist or even a counselor so there has been no diagnoses.

Honestly if I did not have other children I think We would have put up with more, maybe even still be sort of helping her. But this was affecting our relationships with our other kids and our grands. We couldn't keep doing it. I hope you have many good times.

Will your daughter maybe agree to see a psychiatrist again? I forgot whether or not she is in treatment.

My greatest wish is that one day Kay will seek this help but Kay is very anti doctor and will not take medicine. She is the one who is also anti all vaccines. We try to stay upbeat but she mistrusts any doctors.
.
I hope your daughter decides to get mental health care if she is not getting it now. Will pray for you both. I hear from some that people mellow out as they get older. I hope so for both of us.

 

[newstart]

BusynMember, I had my daughter in therapy for many years. I found out that she made an appointment on her own to seek therapy for her and her worthless boyfriend a couple of years ago. At least she tried to get some outside help. She refuses medication. My daughter is also anti vaccines. I am done dragging her to a psychiatrist or any type of therapy. I have wasted a great deal of money on her for therapy but I tried to do what I thought was best. At one point I had her going to therapy 3 times a week. I started early and got her professional help early. I think mothers know the diagnosis of their children point on. I believe my daughter is bipolar and borderline, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), anxiety and other weird things thrown in. I think she has psychopathic tendencies while manic. I too heard that some people mellow out as they got older. I know one of my husband's relatives that is bipolar, 80 years old, she is trying to mellow out yet still throws spiritual daggers at innocent people. She maybe a tiny bit better but certainly not anymore spiritually mature. She is still edgy and you have to put up a protective shield when she is around.

Thank you for your prayers and I will pray in return.