Oops I Did it Again and a Question

[LavenderShoremaid]

I'm back with more bad news as usual. I let my daughter back in for a overnight visit and didn't remember to lock up my wallet. She used my debit card and left me with 75$. I think she may be addicted to pain medications but I don't have absolute proof. Our family is going to moving to another state after the holidays and she will be left behind. She doesn't drive so she won't be able to drop by like here.

I have a question about social media. I have a lot of FB friends either through interests or former classmates and other relatives that don't know the situation we have with her. How do you all handle it? Do you drop off the radar of the internet or block your problem kids from all your social media/texting them on the phone? I will only be harassed on both if I ignore her.

Now her "friend" is trying to get money out of us by wanting to "borrow" 5K from what she says was taken from her by our problem child. If I had 5K I would stay up and watch it all night in awe! Hubs has been out of work since August and we are barely scraping by. The new job is what will be taking us out of state and the next year will be spent paying back friends and family loans that helped us survive! We however ALWAYS pay people back unlike problem child. She hasn't had a job that pays anything worthwhile in over a year. Wants to eat out constantly and has acquired 3 cats, 4 chinchillas, and 5 hamsters and a loser boyfriend! Spends any legitimate money on food and cages/accessories for the animals.

I need to re-read the articles here about detaching again. UGH!

 

[Littleboylost]

Not your debt not your problem. Your Moneky not your circus.

 

[BusynMember]

She is a thief so she wont pay you back.

I would have called the police on her long ago. I love all my kids with all my heart, but dont break the law under my roof or I will make you pay the cosequences. Even my drug using daughter knew better than to steal from me. I called the cops on her at fifteen for pot. And made her leave at 19 for using drugs in my house. Not saying it works for all, but she had tough love and quit her nonsense at 19, when she was told to leave. I cried forever, but it worked. Twelve years later...all is well. She is doing nicely still.

I feel you let this adult daughter get away with murder. Why does she have to ever be in your home? Why should you need to lock up your stuff in your own home?

I am glad you are moving.

As for social media, i dont like it and quit using it. You can use it without disclosing anything personal if you like. If you want to, block daughter from social media, especially if she is inappropriate. But dont stress too much over FB. Its not worth it. FB is not a big deal. Dont stress over it. You can stop using it and your life will not change. I dont miss it.

I hope your time in a new place gives you the peace and serenity to get yourself back and start caring about you first. Your daughter needs to grow up and she wont if you dont get out of her way, even if she throws an adult toddler fit. Get back to who you are, what you like to do, how you enjoy pampering yourself. Thrn do it! Its your time now!

And nurture your marriage and other kind friends and family. You dont need daughter's childish drama and she doesnt grow up when you throw money you dont have at her out of false guilt. She will do better without the Big Macs and she is able bodied and capable of supporting herself, like 99% of adults her age do without Mom's last dime.

Let her know the Bank of Mom is closed forever. Then give her over to your higher power. This is not something you can fix, although I know you wish you could.

 

[CrazyinVA]

As for social media, if she's harrassing you there, I'd definitely block her. I'm very active on FB and other than my closest friends, people have no idea of the drama that goes on behind the scenes with my family because luckily my kids have always kept that off of there. I keep my personal stuff off of there for the most part, it's just for fun. If one of my kids started posting about our business, I'd block them pretty fast.

Remember YOU are in control of how and when she communicates with you. You're under no obligation to answer when she calls, or respond immediately (or at all) when she texts. Respond on your own time, when you're ready to deal with her. Say, "Let's talk later when you've calmed down" or something similar.

It's hard when others who've been used by her reach out to you (been there done that), but as others have said, this is not your problem. I'd just say, "Wow I'm very sorry you're dealing with this, but I have no control over my daughter's actions. She's an adult. Good luck to you."

 

[Nomad]

Probably a very good idea you are moving.

You can change your name on FB, so it is a lot harder for her or her friends to find you. Use your maiden name. Don't use your last name at all. Use your nick name. Make your middle name your last name and leave off your last name. Just some ideas.

I am not friends with my daughter on FB. It is heart breaking. Fortunately, our son isn't on FB so it only bothers her a little bit. Otherwise, it would be a horrible dilemma to be friends with one child and not another. But my D.C. Is just that: difficult.

So, yes I would consider blocking her from your social media.

She can text you if she needs you. And if she is rude to you in a text I would respond with something like "Since you were rude to me, I am going to block you for 24 hours " and then do so.

On top of changing my my name, I would delete your location, not use your face in your main photo (I forgot what it's called) , not post often and avoid posting anything too personal.

If somehow she manages to steal from you again, absolutely call the police.

 

[susiestar]

Why on earth have you not already filed a police report and contested the charges on your debit card? You can get that money back from your bank if you do this!! Then it becomes HER problem and HER lesson! You didn't authorize her to use your card and spend your money. Doesn't matter what she spends it on. It wasn't hers!!! Give her one last gift. The gift of knowledge. The knowledge that if you steal from your parents, they will call the cops and the bank and have the charges reversed and have you charged. Just say yes to this! If nothing else, consider it your last parenting task!

If she has a place, a boyfriend and a bunch of animals, why is she needing to stay at your place? Why on earth would you say yes? You know better!! She is ONLY asking to steal from you. Stop that! Stop giving her the access to your stuff. You deserve better!

Why would you keep someone as a friend on FB who so clearly is not your friend? Friends don't steal from you or harass you. Just unfriend her or block her or whatever it is called to get her away from you. Do NOT tell her where you move to. Those people that you do tell your new address, tell them NOT to tell her the address. I know that seems mean, but in reality, your daughter is the mean one. She has stood up waving her arms over her head and jumped around to get your attention so she can BEG you to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE move without her. Seriously, if you look at her behavior in a rational light, hasn't she?

Her friend wants money from you because your daughter owes this friend 5K. Gee, where did you guarantee this loan? Where did you promise this person that if she loaned your daughter money then you would pay it back? Tell them to show you the loan papers that you signed in front of a notary public guaranteeing that you would pay this money. If they don't have a signature that can be verified as yours, on official loan papers that were drawn up and signed in front of a notary, then they need to go and deal with this nonsense on their own. If this 5K debt ever happened, and I doubt it, then it is NOT your debt. Why would you listen to such nonsense? Why let it clutter up your day or your mind? It isn't your business or your problem if your daughter is promising people money. That is her business. If your daughter promised you would pay it back, more fool them if they believed her. YOU didn't promise, and why would they take her word that you would do anything? Why would they not ask you first? They just wasted 5K. They can sue your daughter, but they cannot sue you. Walk away from this issue.

Concentrate on your life. Keep your doors locked. Call the cops to get a report and then get your money back. If it causes a problem for your daughter, maybe it will be one more thing that helps her down the road toward getting her life together. Consequences happen to everyone. Life is a Choose Your Own Adventure sort of deal. So far you have been standing in the way of your daughter's consequences, and it does not help her. Get out of the path between your daughter and the legal consequences of her stealing. Report hte thefts to the authorities so that she can start to learn the error of her ways. It might eventually save her from the street justice type consequences which can be a whole lot more dire than some time in jail. Either way, someone at some time will teach her that stealing comes with really bad side effects.

 

[Littleboylost]

All fantastic advice. Take care of yourself. Detachment is an ongoing practice not a one time event. We all progress and regress. We are human. Set strong boundaries to protect yourself and definitely she is old enough to be responsible for her own Debts.

 

[LavenderShoremaid]

Thanks everyone the advice here is really helping me. Still wading through the cesspool of crap she is trying to pull me into with her. Right now I'm on dry land. As predicted today she totally attacked me online. I had to block not only her but her friend that 2 days ago was boo-hooing to me about how much money she had stolen from her! Then turned around and attacked me too! I want to move tomorrow just to start a new life. Daughter posts that I sit on my butt and play online games and watch tv all day. Meanwhile SHE has to work! Um...isn't that what you are SUPPOSED to do if you are 24 and chose to move out to be on your own? She really resents the fact that her father makes enough money to support our family and we decided long before she was ever born-for me to be a stay at home Mom. Before I married I worked in day care taking care of others children. When my older daughter was in elementary and Difficult child was in diapers I watched children in my home. I just turned 58 years old. I think I can sit on my butt and watch tv if I want to! Sorry this has turned into a rant but I needed to vent today.

 

[BusynMember]

You probably would feel much better not reading your daughter's social media or texts. I didnt know your daughter worked, but she has to and you dont. So what? Its none of her business. Bet if you dared to criticize her she would have an adult toddler fit. I have witnessed them. They are not pretty.

I was a stay at home mom too but hardly had time to sit on my butt with my kids and the rest of the neighborhood kids in my house most of the time. I drove everyone around, fed thrm, dried their tears, talked to them. I used to be jealous sometimes of working moms! But I chose to work only part time when my hub was at home and not put them in daycare, and to be there for them. It was a firm, unshakable choice. But it was not an easy choice. It was hard and could leave me craving adult company, ehich my ex didnt give me.

You earned the right to sit and watch TV and play games for the rest of your life!! It is YOUR life! My hub is retiring at 62, we bought an RV, we are going to retire and travel. Anyone who doesnt like it, my kids included, can just not like it. Too bad. We can choose our own older years. We did our time.

I think learning to enjoy your own life, whatever you want it to be, and engage with positive people rather than your daughter would help you AND your daughter. If an adult child is acting like a two year old brat is it not good parenting for us to not allow the adult to behave badly? I think we help them when we force respectful behavior, just like we did when they were little. This can involve no contact unless Daughter is civil and nice. It only works for us if we dont read their social media and texts. You can tell her you will only communicate with her in actual phone calls and that if she is not nice to you, you will disconnect the call. Then do it.
I did this with my oldest who can be very rude. It took a while for him to believe I meant it, but he hasnt been rude for a long time now.
Abuse is abuse, our adult child or not. You dont need to be abused just because it is your child who is abusing you. That is not healthy for either of you. Please be good to yourself.

 

[LavenderShoremaid]

LOL Her WORK? She just started a unpaid training job at a hotel for front desk last week. I just hope she realizes if she accesses other peoples (hotel guests) card numbers...she will be going to jail!

 

[Sam3]

They are cunning in finding what they think is your Achilles heel, and then changing the criticism over time, as you respond.

But you are an independent and functioning human being, and probably always have been. I would bet you never felt the need to seek out others’ weak spots and manipulate them.

But she feels the need to do that for some reason. It is NOT hatred of you. You are the straw man.

The only thing we seem to have in common with our difficult children is: We are looking out for them and they are looking out for them.

For me, dealing with a rager or addict is like talking to a toddler. (And I mean no offense to your child.) There’s just a self-centeredness and cluelessness that’s incredibly immature.

You wouldn’t spend a whole lot of effort trying to reason with a toddler, and wouldn’t take their words personally. At our best, we would blow past that and help them identify their real needs and emotions.

You are an adult. She uses adult words.

And don’t think going “meta” on her will be the thing that will make her see the light.

Don’t engage. It’s just an excuse for them to keep glaring at you instead of looking in the mirror.

 

[Sam3]

Looks like we cross-posted SWOT. Toddlers indeed.

 

[susiestar]

She so totally sounds like an adult toddler. Maybe she needs a pacifier next time she starts whining?

You know she is a liar and a thief, and so are any of her friends. I am willing to bet the $5K loan to this friend never happened. They thought if the friend came to you and said that you owed the money, that you would pay it. You would be afraid they would spread it around that you didn't pay your debts. (Isn't this toddler like thinking? As if their word would mean much to anyone?) So you would pay them the money real fast before you stopped to think about it. Then your daughter and the friend would go and have a good old time with that money. They would have a party and laugh about how stupid you are. But you fooled them. You didn't fall for their trick. You didn't give them the money because it isn't your debt. Duh.

The ranting on social media is a toddler temper tantrum. Just block them both and don't respond. You are so much better than that! Reward yourself for not falling for their trick, and for not getting into a mess with them on facebook or whatever they are using to contact you. Trust us, your life will be SOOOO much better without all the conflama of the instant contact of social media with your daughter and her friends. What is conflama? Conflict + drama = conflama. Most of it is something you can ignore because it does not add anything positive to your life. It just does not solve anything.

How is it that your daughter cannot even work a paid position but she can criticize you for whatever you want to do with your life? Where were you in life and what were you doing at age 24? I was married and had a 2 year old and a house. I was in college. Why isn't your daughter supporting herself and actually working? Why is she pestering you at the age of 24? Who does she think she is to tell you what to do with your life? She hasn't worked a day in her life, has she? She hasn't raised a child, or taken care of other people's most precious loved one for the entire day every day. She has not cooked and cleaned for an entire family.

It is time to cut her access to you off. Don't wait until you move. Just stop paying any attention to her. She is old enough to try to run your life isn't she? Then she is old enough to run hers without your input. Block her on facebook and block all of her friends. Or put them on that limited status that lets you control what they see. Do not read her texts or answer her calls. Do not answer calls from friends of hers. If they call and say she is in the hospital, have the friend tell the hospital to call you directly. Otherwise it is a scam. Trust me, difficult kids WILL go that far. If you answer the phone and it is your daughter, hang up if she asks for something or if she is rude or in any way unpleasant to you. If you feel pressured, hang up. That phone is a doorway into your life and your head. You do NOT have to open it to someone if you do not want to. That is not being rude, that is being smart. If it is truly an emergency, a nurse or a police officer will leave a message and a callback number.

If your daughter comes to your home, don't let her in. If she forces her way in and will not leave, call 911. I am NOT joking. At the least she is trespassing. You don't have to press charges, but do have them make her leave. Not leaving when you tell her to is abusive and breaking the law. Especially given the fact that she only comes over to steal from you. Keep your doors locked.

Why am I encouraging you to take a break from her before you move? I think it will show you that she is fully capable of handling her life and of figuring things out without you. Sure she will flounder around a bit, and it will be a struggle. She might even get arrested if she keeps up the stealing. It will be a big wakeup call for her, maybe. If not, you will know that at least she is having the opportunity to learn from her mistakes. Let her deal with any problems on her own. If you do take a call from her and she starts telling you about her problems, tell her that you are sure she will figure out how to handle it, that you have faith that she can come up with a solution. Put it back in her lap, with a message that you have faith in her ability to handle it. She won't like it, and may blow up at you. But she needs to hear it. Whatever you do, don't ever solve her problems for her again, if you can help it.

Then by the time you move, it will be a whole lot easier to cut ties with her. You will already be sure she can handle herself. It will make it a lot more pleasant to be in your new home without her.

 

[LavenderShoremaid]

You totally get this! Thank you.