Out patient rehab failed---waiting for a bed in residential treatment center

[Nancy]

I picked difficult child up from her first day of rehab. She was all smiles and told me she was never going to drink again and she loved the program and yadda yadda, everything I wanted to hear. We ran some errands, visited easy child's new classroom and helped cut out laminates, came home and she said she was going out with a friend she met in college and would be home by midnight.

By 2am we knew she was not coming home. I texted the guy she was supposedly with and another guy who was providing her a place to stay and alcohol last week. Neither texted me back. Finally she came home at 4am, drunk.

After no sleep once again I drove the hour to her rehab, let her off and went in to talk to the counselor.

To make a log story short, they don't feel this program will help her as she does not have the motivation needed to stay sober and work the program. She said she did not think she could stay sober during the program.

That left us with residential treatment. It's not the same place, it's about 2 hours away. husband called and they will have a bed early next week. We can only afford 30 days and I don't think that will ever scrap the surface, but thats where we are at.

Nancy

 

[toughlovin]

Oh Nancy I am so sorry. Probably not surprising she went out and got drunk again. And she may have meant what she told you when she said it, but she clearly is addicted to alcohol.

At least 30 days will give you and your husband a chance to have some rest and think through what your next steps are... and it will give her a chance to be sober for more than a day and hopefully also think through what her next steps are.

I think when she is done with the program you should probably set some very clear guidelines for her to be able to live at home and if she breaks them she needs to leave. Even if she doesn't know where she will go.

I know this is a devastating thing to do as a parent.... but really she needs to hit bottom and want help and the sooner that happens the better. It wont happen if she keeps living at home and doing all this stuff.....

I went on line today and looked up stuff on detaching with love. It was very helpful. I will try and find the link of the article I was reading and post it.

 

[busywend]

Nancy, I am so sorry. She really has a problem. Inpatient is a good idea. I hope she finds that person that changes her life there. She needs an angel.

Praying!

 

[witzend]

I'm sorry, Nancy. It's so thoughtless of her to let you worry this way. I do hope that the inpatient rehab will help you all to make plans for all of the possibilities when she is released.

I'm hoping that she won't be able to check herself out AMA. As much as this seems like a much needed break - oh my goodness you and husband need a break! - it seems likely that your best hope is to discuss all of the possible outcomes amongst yourselves before she is out of there. I know if it were me when I were her age, I wouldn't have lasted a week and there would be nothing that anyone could do about it.

 

[dashcat]

My heart goes out to you and husband AND your daughter. What a tough battle for someone so young. 30 days is a very good start. She'll be detoxed and there will still be time to reach her about her addiction and to teach her some coping skills. Hang in there and keep us posted.
Dash

 

[KTMom91]

I'm sorry, Nancy.

 

[tawnya]

I hope she cooperates, Nancy.

girlfriend'sG can really throw a wrench in a marraige, too.

I'm soo sorry.

Hang in there.

 

[Fran]

Nancy, you sort of knew that outpatient thing wouldn't work. I know you hoped it would. I can't believe she didn't make it past the first day.
Hope the month of inpatient works and that they have someone who works on discharge planning early on. The sooner she gets inpatient the sooner you will sleep at night.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Hugs. I, too, hope the inpatient works. I hope she can find the motivation to stay there and stick with the program. You definitely need a break

 

[DDD]

It's a heartbreaker and you do have my best wishes. Do you want "free" advice? I'm never quite sure when I soundlike a know-it-all and when I'm saving a family member from more heartbreak.

Two things I did wrong (although it may not have made any difference). First I accepted recommendations for
a residential facility with-o questioning their program. Our
first facility was a mistake for our gson. Although they
had qualified staff we discovered later than at night and
on weekends they had almost minimum wage workers in charge of the boys and girls. Turns out the rules were not followed and there was fraternizing between the two groups. The last facility we used had 24/7 well trained people with consistenely enforced rules. by the way, the last one was "upper socio-economic" and yet they had a sliding scale that made it actually cheaper.

Secondly, if we had it to do all over, we would find a facility that graduates into a residential maintenance program rather than releasing the kids with the hopes that they can stay away from bad friends, booze etc. by attending AA meetings. In most communities the AA meetings are dominated by older alcoholics and the teens/young people form no bonds.

I can't tell you how much I am hoping and praying that this move helps your family. We've been on this road for ten years and I'm crossing my fingers you can get the longterm help needed. Many hugs. DDD

 

[DDD]

One more thing comes to mind See if they will tell you what percentage of the patients are court ordered as opposed to private placement. They gives a pretty good indication of who difficult child will be hanging with in rehab.
DDD

 

[Nancy]

DDD you make very good points and I have a lot of questions to ask them although I know the facility as having an excellent reputation. Almost all cleints are self pay because most insurance companies do not pay for residential and they don't take court appointed. They also have a seperate program for professionals there. They do graduate into a hoem program and there is actually a branch about 30 minutes from us for the aftercare.

I really wish we could afford the 90 day program, it's much more intensive and they teach life skills which she really needs.

If I had it to do over I would have put her there instead of the outpatient one but we were in crisis at the time. It was apparent they were no match for our difficult child.

Nancy

 

[Suz]

I am reminded that the best day we'd had with Rob in years was the day he decided to run away the second time. That was the time he stole my car in the middle of the night and was gone for 3 days until he was found after vandalizing my brother's lake cottage. I guess there is a peace once someone learns and speaks what the parents want to hear...and once they have a plan to blow everything out of the water.

they don't feel this program will help her as she does not have the motivation needed to stay sober and work the program.

I'm sorry, Nancy. What do they think about her chances of success with a residential program? Any chance at all, or are you throwing good money after a losing proposition since she lacks motivation to stay sober?

Suz

 

[Nancy]

That is the big question Suz. We ask ourselves if we are throwing good money after bad and the answer is probably yes. I don't ever see her giving up alcohol. We decided our goal is to get her self suficient to move out of our house and what she does from there is her problem. The 90 day program would help in that regard much more but I just don't know how we would swing it.

The silver lining here is that husband and I were suppose to go to Vegas for my bd (you know the BIG one) in August and I didn't know how I could go and leave her at home. Well you better believe we are going now. He has to be there on business but I plan on playing the slots and shopping.

So get this, yesterday we are talking to the counselor who is telling us Jessica isn't right for their program and he said she would need long term therapy dealing with her mother. I looked at him and said "you mean her birthmother or me." To which he answered, "her birthmother." Can you believe a therapist would say that? I had to hold my tongue to say "because I am her mother you jerk. I don't see her birthmother here helping."

Nancy

 

[toughlovin]

For Gosh sakes that therapist should know better, way better!!! My sons therapist thinks some of my sons issues are adoption issues and it would be helpful for him to find and meet his birthmother. I agree actually.... but my sons therapist clearly knows the difference between birthmother and mom!!!! He thinks a lot of my sons anger at me is really displaced anger at his birthmother and I think that makes sense.

 

[Suz]

He thinks a lot of my sons anger at me is really displaced anger at his birthmother and I think that makes sense.

Yeah, I heard that for all the years Rob was in therapy. I expect it's true but I sure got sick of being blamed for his birthmom's inability to take care of him. And why aren't these kids mad at their birthdads? Why does Mom get all the flack?

Anyway.........still a sore subject as I'm sure you can tell............

Nancy, it's a great idea to go away during that month with husband. Kick up your heels and have some fun. Hopefully the combination of rehab and the step down program will have some impact. If not, pack her bags and send her to birthmom's to live out her fantasy.

Suz

 

[Nancy]

if not, pack her bags and send her to birthmom's to live out her fantasy.

suz

roflmao

 

[katya02]

Nancy, I'm so sorry. Getting away next month sounds like a great idea! Hopefully the residential program will link difficult child up with more resources, specifically housing and outpatient counselors. Best wishes.

 

[dashcat]

Yeah, I heard that for all the years Rob was in therapy. I expect it's true but I sure got sick of being blamed for his birthmom's inability to take care of him. And why aren't these kids mad at their birthdads? Why does Mom get all the flack?

This has always bugged me, too. difficult child unloads it all on me...the one person who has always been there for her. Go figure.

And, Nancy, you don't know - you can't know - if you're throwing good money after bad. All you KNOW is that you are good parents doing what they need to do for their daughter.

And that therapist should be shot....

Dash

 

[DDD]

Absolutely enjoy the vacation. You surely deserve the break. Regarding the program choices perhaps they have a payment plan that is liberal. I'm wondering if it is possible to sign her up for the 90 day (since it is the betterprogram evidently) with the hope that she gets it...but with the expectation (sad but true) that she likely will "buck" after a much shorter time and get discharged
from the program.

I think it's wonderful that she is going. on the other hand few young people embrace sobriety as their social life is based on
substance use. Most programs have rules that are strictly enforced and from personal experience I can attest to the fact that totally unexpected phone calls can and do come informing you your child is "discharged" and must be picked up "immediately".

I guess I'm suggesting hope for the best but stay prepared for the worst. Meanwhile rediscover the joy
of living a life free of chaos. Hugs. DDD