It Could All Change In An Instant

[Copabanana]

she has been to rehab 5 or 6 times. This is her first time making it to sober living, so there is that.

There IS that.

The ball is in her court.

Yes.
I spoke to a woman today. The doctors told her 45-year-old daughter who is on a feeding tube, that the daughter is declining. What that means, is, dying. The mother who is in ill health herself and in chronic pain, and only recently had become optimistic about treatments that might help her feel better and live a fuller life, promptly pulled her own back out and became hopeless again. I thought but did not say, how understandable it is that the mother would take on the pain and the dire outcome of her daughter, so as to carry it, so that the daughter might be spared.

However irrational this is, I think most of us do this. As if to say, choose me, G-d. Take me, not her.

How to live, how to live well, how to live without suffering, when our children live poorly. At the bottom line, this is why most of us are here. Not to learn what to do to help them be better, to change. Not to repair relationships. But to NOT kill ourselves off, that they are living badly. I do not know what it is in a mother's psychology that would propel us to seek to sacrifice ourselves, in the hope that our child be better or in the face of the knowledge that they're not.

But I do firmly believe that the suffering we do, on this path, is that. We seem compelled to sacrifice ourselves so that they might do better. New Leaf, not one thing has changed with Tornado in the past two weeks. She is doing no better and no worse. And your life, as I am aware of it, has not changed. Only hope and possibility entered the picture. And then left.

That does not mean hope and possibility have left us.If we choose we can live with hope and possibility all of the time, as our right to have.

But what happened really was just a splash. In the splash, you saw parts of Tornado that could serve as the foundation for the decision to do the work to change her life. That foundation is still there. And the hope is still with you. Nothing really changed in the past 2 weeks. Neither in her getting so far in treatment, nor her abandonment of it. The foundation is there.

 

[New Leaf]

Too many years spent trying to save my two from their own choices. It never worked.

How to live, how to live well, how to live without suffering, when our children live poorly. At the bottom line, this is why most of us are here. Not to learn what to do to help them be better, to change. Not to repair relationships. But to NOT kill ourselves off, that they are living badly.

This is what I meant about working on my own recovery, not going back to the old me, the old ways of desperately trying to stop the train wreck. Then it was realizing I could not save them but still dying inside. I have come a long way from that feeling, and I surely don’t want to go back. I don’t think for one second that there is anything I can do or say that will change my daughter’s choices. I love them, but my love, or sacrificing myself will not save them.

New Leaf, not one thing has changed with Tornado in the past two weeks. She is doing no better and no worse. And your life, as I am aware of it, has not changed. Only hope and possibility entered the picture. And then left.

This is true. It is “just another Tuesday”. Tornado texted last night looking for her Temu order. She probably does not even remember that tearful phone call and I know now that she did not go to detox. It is what it is.

But what happened really was just a splash. In the splash, you saw parts of Tornado that could serve as the foundation for the decision to do the work to change her life.

It was a splash.

Nothing really changed in the past 2 weeks. Neither in her getting so far in treatment, nor her abandonment of it. The foundation is there.

The foundation is there and it is up to her to build on it. She will choose as she does. I have no control over that, but I do have control over my response. Of course, my initial reaction is sorrow, but I have not gone to the depths of it as in the past. Writing here and the kind answers help. It is a good thing to process the journey, as I have written before trying to be stoic has not worked well for me health-wise. As for relationship mending, the relationship is there, she knows I love her, but I cannot and will not meet her in the corner she has chosen. That is not safe for me and my household. There is a sort of synchronicity to this. When Tornado works towards sobriety, I cautiously interact with her. When she has relapsed, her norm is to disappear onto the streets. She normally does not call or text, and though the not knowing can be difficult, it is better than her trying to contact me in that state of mind. I feel a sense of relief when I see that she is in jail. For her sake and mine. I do not want her coming up to my home with her boyfriend and hope that she keeps that boundary. I do not want to interact with her when she is using. I have had more than my fill for that. Some might say I am judgmental but I see it as using good judgment. Meth does horrible things to the mind and conscience. I do not trust her. Plain and simple. That is a consequence of years of dealing with this, the manipulation, lies and stealing. She will remain in my prayers.
I will continue to work at building my armor and staying hopeful that Tornado will eventually be sick and tired of the consequences she faces with drug use. But, I know that sacrificing myself, my life, my joy, and my time will not do a thing towards that outcome.
Thank you Copa for your support and courage to share your thoughts. I truly appreciate your wisdom.
New Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

It is a good thing to process the journey,

Yes, it is.

I cannot and will not meet her in the corner she has chosen.

This is my situation with my son. Too often, too long I have met him in the scuzzy corner (metaphorical) he demands. No more.

Some might say I am judgmental

I don't.

I do not trust her.

Nor do I trust my son. Let me count the ways. He is explosive. He is unreliable. He does not consider the impact on me, or on others of his dysfunction. He is manipulative. He calls on others to take responsibility for basic things and does not question let alone repair anything about the way he is or the way he lives.

I despair.

 

[New Leaf]

Addiction is a selfish beast.

This is my situation with my son. Too often, too long I have met him in the scuzzy corner (metaphorical) he demands. No more.

I’m sorry Copa. That metaphorical scuzzy corner is so undeniably apparent to us when we are able to open our eyes to it. Unfortunately not so much for them.

Nor do I trust my son. Let me count the ways. He is explosive. He is unreliable. He does not consider the impact on me, or on others of his dysfunction. He is manipulative. He calls on others to take responsibility for basic things and does not question let alone repair anything about the way he is or the way he lives.

This could be me writing about Tornado. This is why her sisters don’t want anything to do with her. Too many years of the same old behaviors. They do not fault me for trying, because I am her mother. Their boundaries are much more stringent, they want to see real change for a significant length of time. I don’t blame them. A particular sore spot for all of us is how she has abandoned her children. Now her grandchildren, all for a Bonnie and Clyde relationship with a man she hardly knows. They are both using and on the run together. The scuzzy corner revealed.

I despair

Me too. Admittedly. But I can’t live like this. I won’t. Tornado comes in like a wrecking ball and expects the family to respond as if nothing has happened. No remorse. She has never gotten far enough in recovery to hit that mark. Thanks Doris Day for the huge dose of “Que Sera, Sera”.
I will work towards being grateful for the happier times, it’s the only way out. And prayer. And hope. Hopefully I will come out of this a little wiser. Hopefully Tornado will too. That spot she holds in my heart is a bit more calloused.
Love and hugs
New Leaf

 

[Crayola14]

Is your daughter seeing that same guy again? I thought they broke up. I remember how he was so immature for his age.

 

[New Leaf]

I checked the court website this morning, predictably Tornado did not show. Another day, another bench warrant. Hopefully they pick her up sooner than later. What an odd hope that my daughter go to jail, but at least I know where she is and can stop worrying that she shows up at the house when we are, or, are not home. That is a concern as she has broken in through the window in the past, or brought up her street friends. Not good.

Is your daughter seeing that same guy again? I thought they broke up. I remember how he was so immature for his age.

I think you are referring to the boyfriend she was seeing while in her first rehab after giving birth.
( He was not the father) She went out with her 4 month old on a day pass ( after “graduating” to the next step) and got into an altercation with some woman who was allegedly fooling around with her boyfriend. She was kicked out of rehab and the baby went to emergency foster care.
That is one of the many incidents that Copa so aptly referred to as the “scuzzy corner”. Not to mention that Tornado was on the streets using throughout her pregnancy. Scuzzy corner.
My youngest daughter ended up adopting Tornados son. He just turned three. Thankfully he is making his benchmarks and is a delightful little guy despite his drug exposure inutero.
Sorry, venting.
This new guy is someone she met at the most recent rehab. So, she has abandoned this chance at sobriety and connection with her family over a man she hardly knows. Scuzzy corner.
Sigh.
Sorry for the long reply.
It’s been quite a journey.
New Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

the “scuzzy corner”.

Today I was talking to my psychologist (which I do two times a week to keep my head out of the scuzzy corner. )He used the word "fragmented" to describe my son. I said, 'let me try to get the knife out of my ribs and the blood mopped up before our session ends.'

You see, this is what I avoid feeling and knowing. That my son's fragmentation is the mover here. I have preferred to hypothesize marijuana psychosis or even bipolar (or better yet, willful behavior) because these seem preferable to a crumbling iceberg in my son's cognition and personality. Because you see for our first 20-plus years together, I saw and felt him as whole and the relationship as whole. I could not accept that without the structure of my personality, left to his own capacity, the result would be as it has. As we know my response to feeling and being with this fracturing was to shatter myself into pieces, in order to will him to be whole. How do you think that worked? We know.

After all of these years, I cannot bear to feel what I must feel. Yes. It's been quite a journey. Sigh or sob. I don't know.

 

[New Leaf]

Oh Copa, I’m so sorry for your aching heart.

He used the word "fragmented" to describe my son. I said, 'let me try to get the knife out of my ribs and the blood mopped up before our session ends.'

I had to look up the definition for fragmented. Oh no.

You see, this is what I avoid feeling and knowing. That my son's fragmentation is the mover here. I have preferred to hypothesize marijuana psychosis or even bipolar (or better yet, willful behavior) because these seem preferable to a crumbling iceberg in my son's cognition and personality.

What was your psychologists purpose in sharing this observation with you?

Because you see for our first 20-plus years together, I saw and felt him as whole and the relationship as whole. I could not accept that without the structure of my personality, left to his own capacity, the result would be as it has.

You did not cause this, nor could you control it. Hold on to those 20 years. It is what we have, precious memories. Could you, or I have stopped the train wreck of horrible choices our adult kids made? Maybe if we locked them in a room?

As we know my response to feeling and being with this fracturing was to shatter myself into pieces, in order to will him to be whole. How do you think that worked? We know.

If only our love and self sacrifice could save them. It can’t. It won’t. That synchronistic fall into our own despair. Copa, as you wrote to me, not one thing has changed. Whether your son’s actions are caused by marijuana psychosis, bipolar, or fragmentation, whatever the diagnosis, nothing has changed.

After all of these years, I cannot bear to feel what I must feel. Yes. It's been quite a journey. Sigh or sob. I don't know.

For me, dear friend, it is both. I have begun to understand that all of these years of witnessing my two beloved wayward daughter’s demise, if I don’t allow myself to feel the sadness of it I am in silent self destruct mode. I still have a hard time crying. That is not me. I am extremely sensitive. The tough exterior I put on will end up hurrying my demise. Then there is the fear that if I do allow myself to feel, I may not bounce back again. There must be some middle ground. A room where I can go scream, cry, lament, release, then come out of it and function. Not just exist, live.
We are human. One can only take so much.
I wish I could take away the pain of it.
Holding you in my heart.
Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

Maybe if we locked them in a roo

Gee. This is the one thing I forgot to do. Woulda, shoulda, coulda.

Thank you New Leaf. We're driving far today to my acupuncturist and I will be back later. Still bleeding on the floor. At least I got the knife out.

 

[Worndown68]

Today I was talking to my psychologist (which I do two times a week to keep my head out of the scuzzy corner. )He used the word "fragmented" to describe my son. I said, 'let me try to get the knife out of my ribs and the blood mopped up before our session ends.'

You see, this is what I avoid feeling and knowing. That my son's fragmentation is the mover here. I have preferred to hypothesize marijuana psychosis or even bipolar (or better yet, willful behavior) because these seem preferable to a crumbling iceberg in my son's cognition and personality. Because you see for our first 20-plus years together, I saw and felt him as whole and the relationship as whole. I could not accept that without the structure of my personality, left to his own capacity, the result would be as it has. As we know my response to feeling and being with this fracturing was to shatter myself into pieces, in order to will him to be whole. How do you think that worked? We know.

After all of these years, I cannot bear to feel what I must feel. Yes. It's been quite a journey. Sigh or sob. I don't know.

So sorry have to deal with this, thank goodness you have a psychologist to talk to. Not that it helps once you are alone though.
I am not sure exactly what fragmented is, but whatever our offsprings diagnosis or addictions are hurts like hell doesn’t it, sending you hugs

 

[lovemysons]

Addiction is such a powerful beast! And we as the mothers of an addict can’t control it or save our precious children from it.

To finally stop using for good is a very personal decision. A choice. One that they’ve had all along.

My belief is that no amount of rehab or programs or tons and tons of money thrown at the problem of addiction will make it stop!
Again…it is a personal decision. One we can’t interfere with in any way lest we get caught up in its consequences to our own health. Which I’m glad you realize New Leaf.

I had a psychotic breakdown after years and years of the war zone in addiction with my sons. First it started with panic attacks after severe depression and then finally the breakdown. I now have to take a handful of pills every night to stay on an even keel for the rest of my life. Of course I was also diagnosed with Bipolar disorder during the breakdown.

I lost one son due to this horrible affliction that is addiction. He never overcame it. He lost his chances to make a new choice. That personal decision.

I pray all of you moms and dads out there will keep yourselves removed enough from their journey with addiction so as to not lose yourself in the process.

Love is powerful too. But only has a place in the addicts life once they are choosing sober living. Until then it’s just a waste in my opinion.

I wasted a lot of years trying to love the problem of addiction away. I can’t get back that time.

Now that my son has passed I am finally concentrating on my grandchildren and their betterment. Which is where I wish my focus had been all along.

New Leaf…you are so wise.
Hold onto yourself and your precious granddaughter. Focus on the ones that your love can make a difference with and let God’s love take care of the addict.

Thinking of you too Copa. I pray you can deliver your son to God so you stop despairing and start living your life focused on things and people your love can make a difference with too.

We can’t control their choices or save them from them. This is their free will at work for or against drugs and alcohol. Best we stay out of the way and let God work in their lives in my humble opinion.

Love,
LMS

 

[lovemysons]

Ps…I think about the best thing we can do as the parents of an addict is pray for them. Period.

LMS

 

[New Leaf]

Hi LMS,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful post.

Again…it is a personal decision. One we can’t interfere with in any way lest we get caught up in its consequences to our own health. Which I’m glad you realize New Leaf.

I do realize LMS, some days more than others. It’s not possible to have an honest relationship with someone who is using. Tornado called today- asking again about her package. I asked her what she was doing, and told her that her choice to run has hurt her family deeply. She paused a long time and said she doesn’t know what she’s doing. No sorry, no nothing. Just flat effect. I told her not to bring her boyfriend or any other street friends to the house.

I had a psychotic breakdown after years and years of the war zone in addiction with my sons. First it started with panic attacks after severe depression and then finally the breakdown. I now have to take a handful of pills every night to stay on an even keel for the rest of my life. Of course I was also diagnosed with Bipolar disorder during the breakdown.

I’m so sorry LMS, going down the rabbit hole with our beloved wayward adult children, it’s so easy to get sucked in on so many different levels.

I lost one son due to this horrible affliction that is addiction. He never overcame it. He lost his chances to make a new choice. That personal decision.

I’m so sorry you have had to live through this nightmare. It is a grim reality that I ponder, my two have been out there for so long.

I pray all of you moms and dads out there will keep yourselves removed enough from their journey with addiction so as to not lose yourself in the process.

That is a tall order, I’m afraid. I think bits and pieces of me are scattered along the journey. I feel like I’ve had to rebuild myself over and again. But, I do believe that is one of life’s challenges for humans. To face adversity and try to overcome. Thank you for your prayers.

Love is powerful too. But only has a place in the addicts life once they are choosing sober living. Until then it’s just a waste in my opinion.

I wasted a lot of years trying to love the problem of addiction away. I can’t get back that time.

That is the tricky part for me LMS, loving my two without losing my sanity. Sometimes it means no contact at all.

Now that my son has passed I am finally concentrating on my grandchildren and their betterment. Which is where I wish my focus had been all along.

There is no time like the present. What you are doing now is a Godsend for your grands.

New Leaf…you are so wise.
Hold onto yourself and your precious granddaughter. Focus on the ones that your love can make a difference with and let God’s love take care of the addict.

Not so wise, LMS, I’m just sick and tired of the rug being pulled. I figure that my two are adults, if their choice is to use drugs, that is their choice. I pray they will wake up soon. Tornados kids deserve a chance to be front and center, and my well children and grands. So many years were focused on the chaos and drama that comes with addiction.

Thinking of you too Copa. I pray you can deliver your son to God so you stop despairing and start living your life focused on things and people your love can make a difference with too.

Amen

We can’t control their choices or save them from them. This is their free will at work for or against drugs and alcohol. Best we stay out of the way and let God work in their lives in my humble opinion.

Amen

Ps…I think about the best thing we can do as the parents of an addict is pray for them. Period.

Amen. Thank you LMS. I hope things are working out for your grands. Keep strong.
Love
New Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

I’m sorry I can’t raise my kids like y’all would like to raise them but we are a famil

Dear lms. Somehow, when I went to reply to your post above, and New Leaf's too, this quote came up. I copied it a couple of days ago and did not know how to respond. I knew that your daughter-in-law's words sounded wrong, but I was unsure how. I will try to write what I feel.

She is taking what is an act of love and responsibility, your desire to protect and nurture your grandchildren, as a controlling act on your part, as if you are imposing your values on them and her. Which is the last thing you are doing. You are trying to pick up the pieces to repair a family that she has broken, over and over again by serving herself and her addictions. She seems unable to see that her children, your grandchildren are anything more than what she needs them to be, her family., like possessions. She does not seem to see or recognize that as her children, they have separate selves and separate needs beyond being hers. By this statement, she shows her utter inadequacy to be a real parent. I am sorry if these words are hurtful. I had no idea I felt so strongly.

Thinking of you too Copa. I pray you can deliver your son to God so you stop despairing and start living your life focused on things and people your love can make a difference with too.

I want to thank you, lms, for these beautiful words and thoughts. More and more I am doing what you pray for, but I do have such sharp pain and loss about my son. I am so grateful for your care, lms and New Leaf. I pray for you both. I admire you both. I am so thankful that you are both in my life. This is such a gift. I was thinking the last couple of days, that besides M, nobody, but nobody in my life understands the depth of my pain, and can speak to it in a gentle and caring way.

My friends just ignore the fact I have a son. If you could only know what a delight my son was for me before this nightmare started. I cannot believe his light turned dark. I just can't believe it.

My friends use me. This sounds harsh, and it may be. This is not to say I don't love them. But in any real way, they are unable and unwilling to give to me, what I give to them. They show that by believing and acting as if my son is just some shadow in the corner, to be unseen. He can't be unseen, and my love for him and my pain, have been the elephant in the living room of my life. Thank you for seeing the real me, and caring about me. You are a treasure. Love Copa

 

[lovemysons]

You are a treasure Copa. I’m so sorry to hear that your “friends” do not offer you comfort and support in regards to your son. You have been deeply affected and hurt by the course of events and choices your son has made.
I am here for you as are many others from our board. You have a place in our hearts. A safe place where you will be understood.

Thank you for giving me your opinion about my former daughter in law. I think you are absolutely right! My grandchildren are her “possessions.” She is not looking at their present and future needs at all. She is only thinking of herself which is so intrinsically tied to addiction. That selfishness. If she were to be Able to feel what her children feel it would probably kill her. So she uses even more likely to dull the pain. I think this is also why she can so often be found at my son’s gravesite…an hour and a half away from her house. The guilt must do a number on her. She is the one who intentionally years ago threw our son out into the streets while pursuing another man who she had a baby with. Then went on to pursue even another man after that one ended and have yet another baby. All while still married to our son.
Yes our grandchildren are her “possessions.”
I intend on making a difference in their lives so that they can be seen and heard. So that they can securely share what’s going on inside. So they can finally live rather than merely existing. So they can know love.

New Leaf…I’m sorry to hear Tornado has no response to how her actions have affected the family. Again. I think it’s the selfish part of addiction. They don’t consider anyone but their own wants and desires. To feel it would cause them pain and they already have pain (mostly self induced) that causes them to want to use and not feel anything.

I understand about the part of being in pieces New Leaf. You know I do. That’s what drove me over the edge into insanity. Don’t let yourself despair too much over the girls…Gods girls. Let Him Work in their lives.
You don’t control the outcome and you are not nor ever have been responsible for it.
Their relationship with alcohol and drugs is their business. Their choice. It is a daily choice. One they could stop at anytime.
Allow yourself the freedom and space to live separately from them. In your head and heart. Let them be God’s problem. God’s children.
You’ve got a good life to live with your granddaughter and that is where your head and heart need to be. No reason to give the selfishness of Tornadoes choices any room inside. I pray youll let her go. Let go of that rope. God has her.

Love,
LMS

 

[Copabanana]

. If she were to be Able to feel what her children feel it would probably kill her. So she uses even more likely to dull the pain.

Yes. You have great empathy lms.

I intend on making a difference in their lives so that they can be seen and heard. So that they can securely share what’s going on inside. So they can finally live rather than merely existing. So they can know love.

So there! A mission statement if I ever read one.

Gods girls. Let Him Work in their lives.

Yes.

You don’t control the outcome and you are not nor ever have been responsible for it.

So true. Except I desperately took responsibility, to save him. Even when it was slightly bad. I came to this forum when I wanted to insist my son took college courses, and I contemplated taking the same classes, to monitor him, his attendance, and schoolwork. I knew I was thinking crazily. I knew I'd lost myself. I could not let go. I wonder if, in some part of me, I knew how far down this situation could fall. Yes, he is God's.

Their relationship with alcohol and drugs is their business. Their choice. It is a daily choice. One they could stop at anytime

Yes. How in the world could I have the audacity that I could fight with reality? It is our children's relationship with reality that is the issue. And their engaging with it, or not.

Allow yourself the freedom and space to live separately from them. In your head and heart.

Yes. This is a beautiful, beautiful place, this place. it's free, it's open yet oprotected. I can breathe.

God has her.

Yes. Thank you lms. Very, very much.

 

[Gran2Angels]

Dear New Leaf,
I have just read this thread from beginning to end. I share your hurt. I pray for you today.
Love,
Gran

 

[Crayola14]

Yes. You have great empathy lms.

So there! A mission statement if I ever read one.

Yes.

So true. Except I desperately took responsibility, to save him. Even when it was slightly bad. I came to this forum when I wanted to insist my son took college courses, and I contemplated taking the same classes, to monitor him, his attendance, and schoolwork. I knew I was thinking crazily. I knew I'd lost myself. I could not let go. I wonder if, in some part of me, I knew how far down this situation could fall. Yes, he is God's.

Yes. How in the world could I have the audacity that I could fight with reality? It is our children's relationship with reality that is the issue. And their engaging with it, or not.

Yes. This is a beautiful, beautiful place, this place. it's free, it's open yet oprotected. I can breathe.

Yes. Thank you lms. Very, very much.

Copa, your son came into the world with more challenges than any child should ever have to endure. I think some adoptive parents would have sent a child back after reading what you found in his file—both parents having HIV. But, you were strong and compassionate enough to deal with the possibility of having a child who might be positive. How sad to grow close a fall in love with a child, only to watch him suffer a horrible death of AIDS. I have to admit, I wouldn’t have been strong enough to take it on. Thank heavens, he wasn’t positive . I don’t know if his biological parents lived long enough to see the anti-retro viral treatments. I would hope so. I think your son has more strength than he realizes. He survived such a traumatic few first years of life. He had to gather strength from that. Small children handle those situations better than adults.

 

[Copabanana]

I think your son has more strength than he realizes. He survived such a traumatic few first years of life.

Thank you, Crayola. I think so too.

I think some adoptive parents would have sent a child back after reading what you found in his file—both parents having HIV.

Thank you for remembering this. I will never ever forget sitting in the car in front of the hospital, after collecting the copy of his medical chart, and seeing that on the first page, my son was in his car seat in the back. Never. Ever. And hearing his shrieking as the Children's hospital drew blood with what looked like horse needles, to test him. And then, 17 years later finding out he had been born with Hep B, which despite all of that, had never been detected. At so many levels my son and I have failed by the system. I just can't accept that for all of that, we both have to suffer more and more.

I know you can tell I am way, way better than when I came here, 8 years ago. Does the pain of life never go away?

I child is not a purchase, that we can return for a better model. But you know what? I will confess I still wonder. That all of that love has become so much suffering.

 

[New Leaf]

It is Well With My Soul-

When peace like a river, attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well, with my soul
It is well
With my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Horatio Spafford wrote this beloved hymn. The backstory to which he suffered tremendous loss in his lifetime. Unfathomable loss.

I write of this not to promote any religious ideology, but rather to note the resilience of those before us who have experienced tragedy in their lives and have found the strength to carry on.

The hymn speaks to finding peace in the midst of suffering and loss.

Yes. This is a beautiful, beautiful place, this place. it's free, it's open yet oprotected. I can breathe.

It is well with my soul.

I have just read this thread from beginning to end. I share your hurt. I pray for you today.

Thank you Gran for your kindness. Your prayers are so appreciated. The work ahead of me is to reconcile between hope and reality and be at peace with that.

I will confess I still wonder. That all of that love has become so much suffering.

I wonder too, Copa. I don’t know that there ever will be a satisfactory answer. The reality of it is too simple- they grew into adults and made choices we had absolutely no control over.

Allow yourself the freedom and space to live separately from them. In your head and heart. Let them be God’s problem. God’s children.

LMS, I need to frame this. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and comfort while you are dealing with the loss of your son, and trying to help your grands.

I am so grateful for your care, lms and New Leaf. I pray for you both. I admire you both. I am so thankful that you are both in my life. This is such a gift. I was thinking the last couple of days, that besides M, nobody, but nobody in my life understands the depth of my pain, and can speak to it in a gentle and caring way.

I am so grateful for all of our warriors here. I am blessed to have you to lean on. Copa, we have been 8 years here together, through the most challenging times. I can’t tell you how many times your kindness has saved me from the bottomless pit. LMS, you are a Godsend and a pillar of strength. I admire you both and am so thankful as well for the gift of being able to come here and find refuge in your compassion.
How many years I have poured my heart out on this site. I don’t think I would have survived it this long without having this safe place to come to.
Imagine that, people who have never met face to face, yet are able to hold one another in the darkest of times.
I pray for peace for all of us.
Hugs and love
New Leaf