Panic...He's coming over.

[Drowninginthis]

I haven't had my son in my life since Christmas due to a blow up and that being my last straw. I interact with his girlfriend if something is important. I have to say my life has been so much better. My anxiety level is so much less and I have been able to get off a medication that was horrible to combat the anxiety. I feel guilty, as we all do, but not enough to give up my sanity. He thinks our separation is because of the argument on Christmas and just doesn't get it about the years of me warning him how he treats me.

Last Sept. we communicated to my son that we have cut him off financially for several reasons. (he is 24 now) So due to not listening to us again and poor choices, he got fired from his long time good job, could no longer afford his apartment, and was broke. So his girlfriend and him move into a room in a house. He is now using her as he did us. She goes to college and works 2 pt jobs to pay for rent, his dr., his insurance. His idea of looking for a job is maybe a resume a week. (she is the one who applies for the job for him) He doesn't want a job. She puts up with it..I don't know why. So get this...He has anxiety about getting a new job and only wants to work where someone he knows is there. So he has been unemployed for 8 months waiting for this miracle job. Its insane and I can't deal with it. It hurts my brain. Its part of the reason I can't be involved with him and his chaotic life.

So everything in me says I like it the way it is and I don't want to initiate going back into his life. My husband sees him and they talk, which is fine with me. He isn't allowed to come to the house and I don't answer the phone if he calls, which is rare because of the current standing. I know that if we re-engage, he will maintain his actions for awhile because he has superb artificial charm and manipulation skills. However the disrespectful behaviors and verbal abuse will seep back in. His life is one weekly drama/bad decision/ trouble/irrational decisions noose around our necks. I don't want to go back to it. We aren't mopping up his messes anymore, but knowing all this stuff is happening and worrying for him is giving us both high anxiety. What you don't know can't hurt you.

However for the sake of my husband, I text him today to remind him about Father's day. The text back says he wants to drive up to our house and give him a gift. Again for my husband, I say its okay, but I don't want to. I'm not ready. There is still a lot of resentment. An hour later he texts me " I miss you". Its horrible but I don't text back because I don't miss him and I am not going to lie. I don't want him to be hurt about not having me in his life now or feeling abandoned by another mother again. I also don't want to never see him again. But when I ask myself when/if I want to see him again, I feel panic and the answer is always no. Its like jumping off a high diving board. The mind says I can do it, but the body is not moving. Fathers day will NOT be his foot in the door no matter what he thinks.

I don't know the reason for this post. Only I can make the decision about going back to his life. Maybe I am just in a panic and only you guys get it. Wrestling with maternal instincts, guilt and self preservation. Why can't it stop and him just be sorta "normal"? I feel like I have been sentenced to life (again horrible thought)

 

[BusynMember]

I get it. I wish I didn't. They can only break our hearts for so long before some of us just don't want to or can't do it anymore or both.

Do not feel guilty about your feelings. Yes, he is your son, and you love him, but maybe you don't LIKE him. If he were not your son you probably would not want to know him. That is due to his actions, not you. Nobody wants constant drama and angst and abuse from an adult.

If you want your feelings to be validated, I do validate them. I get it. You are not a bad person. You are in self protection mode and needing to take care of yourself. That includes trying to minimise our contact time with difficult people.

You are trying to love yourself and that's good. Your son needs to learn to respect his mother or you aren't going to be thinking he's a good guy. It's normal.

You can see him once in a while without enmeshing yourself in his life. Don't feel guilty if you decide to keep him at a distance unless he straightens out his life. Only HE can do that.

 

[Drowninginthis]

Somewhere Out There...Is there a way I can Private message you? I see you are an adoptive mom and wanted to discuss a few things.

 

[BusynMember]

Oh I just saw you adopted him at 16. I adopted my problem at 6.

It is really hard to adopt a mentally healthy child who has been without a family for so long. It is not not not your fault. His problems happening need way before he met you. Mine most likely also has attachment problems. They are very hard to treat.

 

[BusynMember]

Yes. Sure. PM me. Let me know if you can't.

 

[Drowninginthis]

Somewhere...I tried to start convo but it won't let me post to you.

 

[BusynMember]

I started one with you no w. If you didn't get it let me know here.

 

[1905]

Have him meet your husband somewhere else, for coffee, since he just wants to give his dad a gift. You don't even have to go along. If he's insisting on coming over, shut it down, he has an alterior motive. Don't have yourself in this equation, it's too uncomfortable for you. Maybe it will be different later in life, maybe not, who knows? You don't want him in your house, that's the main thing.

 

[so ready to live]

Hi Drowning. Swot and upallnight have sound advice. You do whatever feels right for YOU-not him. I chose to "be at the library" when our son came to our home after nearly 3 mo. no contact. I just couldn't do it. My hubby informed me afterward on how he looked/how it went. I wondered if son thought I was "still mad" or didn't love him, of course that grieves me. But, I finally realize I can't take it. For me. For our marriage. It's a terrible place but where we were was a more terrible place.

My anxiety level is so much less and I have been able to get off a medication that was horrible to combat the anxiety. I feel guilty, as we all do, but not enough to give up my sanity. He thinks our separation is because of the argument on Christmas and just doesn't get it about the years of me warning him how he treats me.

This says it all. There's a book called "don't let your kids kill you" where the author suggests getting up each day and taking a paper, drawing a magic marker line down the center. One side is yours and one side your son's. This image has helped us as when we start to go there we are reminded to STOP, saying "not on my side of the line". What he thinks or doesn't think is so not on your side of the line. Save you. You're the only one who can. You got this. Prayers from another adoptive mom.
PS. Please don't chalk up all these years to failure with him. You did the right things at the appointed time. It's not the end of the story yet, is it?

 

[Drowninginthis]

I am going to bite the bullet and make it as short as possible. His girlfriend , whom I love, is coming and I will converse with her. This in no way is an opening back in. That will come on my terms. Will let you all know how it went...