Parents who are estranged from their children

[BusynMember1]

Anyone here or lurking not see or talk to your grown kids or grands for years? Probably you don't even know why?

This is a big anti-family trend and there are tons of Estranged Parents sites on Facebook and all of them are very busy with people telling the same type of stories. I thought I'd print the topic here to see if there is a need for it.

Most stories go like this.


We were so close and suddenly at 20, 30, 45 he said I cant be in his life anymore and Im devestated. He has been gone and blocked me for a long time.

I can't see my grands anymore. We were so close! Daughter took them out if my life!

My daughter lies about her childhood to everyone! I have no say...she won't let me respond. People believe her!

The spouse's Mom gets to be Grandma. I'm never invited.

I write letters apologizing (although I was never told what I did wrong). I get no response. Nothing.

My gifts are returned OR my gifts are accepted without a thank you. But I don't even get a birthday card.

I read her/his social media and that's how I found out I have a grandchild/my daughter got married/other milestones.

It started with my divorce. It started when my son married. It started when *I* remarried. It happened for NO reason I can determine!

It has been 1, 5, 10, 20 years. It has lasted so long and now I am 75!

I want to see if there is a place for this sad topic here. Face book has many forums for estrangement but I like this platform better.

Some kids are partly estranged as in:

I hear from him ONLY when he needs money or wants something.... with abuse or estrangement if we don't do what he wants.

Myself: I have an estranged daughter myself. Probably won't see her again, not in this lifetime.

Don't be shy about sharing, if indeed anyone here has a like story to share.

 

[Nomad]

This is interesting. Definitely very sad as well. (((Hugs)))

Ironically, even though im family oriented yadda yadda…I’ve been in this situation.

My father was extremely abusive to my mother and I. Big time. She died somewhat unexpectedly In her late 40s. He never showed an ounce of remorse for the abuse to her or me. I found it appalling. We became, for the most part estranged. For years I called him Xmas time. I guess I was hoping he might summon up the courage to offer something like an apology. Nope. And as he got older I would ask him if he needed anything. Xmas time. It was a mess. To this day…not offering a sincere apology fir wrongs will bother the heck out of me. He has since passed. No apology on his death bed either.


Flash forward….
Well many of you here know the recent drama trauma with our adult daughter. I was barely holding on…but then she didn’t apologize. And even worse…she was mean and sarcastic toward her dad and I.
W T H?
So, we are largely estranged.
We pay fir her cell phone and help out with medical if needed. She gets some govt assistance.
I don’t know what the future holds.
Our friends often use the word “Herculean” when describing our efforts to help her.
Our friends don’t blame us one bit fir greatly pulling back.
We are not technically “estranged,” but essentially.

Bottom line….never in a gazillion years did I ever think I would find myself in this situation. (S)

Both essentially estranged. Doing the barest of minimum in help / communication.

Families Anonymous helps, although we haven’t been recently and may join an on-line group.

A group within here might be a good idea.

It’s very painful. I’ve , for the most part, come to learn to go with the flow. I can’t change the circumstances as much as I would like to think I can.

 

[BusynMember1]

So sorry Nomad. Obviously Kay estranged us but we were close to estranging her too. Lots of times the child does it and the parent is devastated and helpless to change the situation.

 

[Nomad]

Oh. I would actually like to get your opinion on something strongly related.

An old friend who I don’t see very often since she lives many states away texted to ask how things were. I reported back. She said that she didn’t blame me and I needed a “reprieve.”
Hmmm. Interesting choice of words. I’m not sure this is a reprieve. It very well could be forever. I don’t think I’ll say anything. I wonder did she mean a temporary halt in our caregiving? Or a reprieve in my life from now until forever? I guess it ‘s not a big deal. It was just interesting.

 

[Nandina]

Busy, I think this is a good idea.

Just yesterday a friend of mine and I had a lengthy conversation about her daughter’s seeming lack of interest in her, not having her over other than for the obligatory holidays, rarely calls, acts like she’s put out when my friend calls her…although they are not totally estranged. The friend has been considering just cutting her daughter off, she has been so hurt. This was only one of many times I have spoken with her about the same issue. Her daughter just doesn’t seem to care. I talked my friend into getting some therapy to better deal with it. Her 41 year old daughter blames her for everything (even though raising this kid was no walk in the park!) and it has affected my friend’s confidence and self-esteem.

I like the anonymity here as opposed to a Facebook group too.

 

[Nomad]

I hear of that “thing” constantly regarding an adult child being indifferent or something like that.

More extreme with many of our situations here…abuse, drugs, total irresponsibility, unkindness , crime, violence….horrible decisions and choices etc.

But…there is this other “thing” out there. Indifference. I’ve experienced a touch of this with my other adult “child,” but am relieved to say it seems MUCH better recently. and holidays , for us, knock on wood…are lovely.

But a few friends talk about it (indifference) much.

This other situation:
Attendance for holidays….usually. But not much else. And not a for sure.

A friend who had surgery and her adult child said all the right things on FB, but barely contacted her or lifted a finger in real life. Barely if at all acknowledges birthdays. Will call repeatedly for their problems but even if parents are having obvious extreme problems they won’t call them. Not thanking them for gifts. Last minute or no invites to grandkid birthday parties. Simply being treated sort of “less than…” unimportant …indifferent. Being taken advantage of. Made to feel irrelevant. Ignored.

Difficult and also very painful.

Maybe not as extreme as what most of us have experienced here on this Board…but also difficult.

Just something I’ve picked up on as well.

 

[BusynMember1]

Let's add. not visiting when sick if nearby. Moving far far away and expecting Mom to do all the travel for visiting. Never coming around or calling unless we can offer them something they want. No "Just called to see how you are" calls. In other words, not seeking us out unless they want something. Uncertainty to us if they love us. Going to "other side if the family...spouses" for most holidays except to collect a gift.

Ask yourself as I have "Would I ever see her if I were poor and had no money or shelter to offer?" Kay for years had nothing to do with us unless she gained something from us by engaging us.

Yes, this forum does not make us give names. Fb does. But most groups are private.

Nomad, estrangement is a spectrum. In time you and your daughter may not hardly speak. Then again, estrangement is unpredictable. You can't answer questions about future estrangement. You don't know the future.

Hugs