Phone calls...

[DammitJanet]

I must say I find these almost amusing. He is pulling out all the stops.

The first call was all "Get me out! You HAVE to get me OUT!" And when I said now it deteriorated into him cussing me out and he hung up on me...lmao. He called me back in short order and apologized telling me I didnt know how bad it was in jail and trying to cajole me into getting him out. Yeah right.

Wasnt working.

He pulled out all the stops. He told me his mother wouldnt do this to him. I told him my son wouldnt have done this to me...lol. He tried telling me I wouldnt leave Jamie in there. I said if Jamie did this to me oh yes I would. LOL. He tried it all. Said he needed to get out to settle his affairs. Say goodbye to his child.

I simply held fast and told him he could do all that on the phone. I was actually giggling at times during this conversation.

I told him I would accept calls 3 times a week from him so he better make them count. The best times would be once during the week and twice on the weekends so he could speak with the baby.

That is the best I can do for him.

 

[donna723]

:bravo:

WAY TO GO, JANET! You did great!

He sure covered all the bases, didn't he! There weren't many that he left out! Did he threaten to hold his breath till he turns blue? /forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/sick.gif Go out in the yard and eat worms? :eek:

It's not so much fun now that it's all finally caught up with him, is it! Maybe now, finally, he'll start to "get it"!

:bravo:

 

[DammitJanet]

Well in the first phone call he threatened to keep the baby from me for "the rest of her life!"...lol. I pointed out that he wasnt in much of a position to make that threat and that it was really between Keyanas mom and us at this particular time since he was otherwise involved at the moment...lol.

He just sputtered.

Dont threaten me with the baby because it simply wont work. Her mom wont allow it. We would be allowed in her life even if he isnt...lol. Her mom knows a good thing when she has it. She has permanent weekend sitters for free that provide for the childs needs. We provide 4 packs of diapers a month, wipes, clothes, food, etc. Why mess that up?

 

[Suz]

Janet, can you limit the time for these phone calls? Maybe they already have a time limit? His ridiculous phone topics might be somewhat *funny* at this point but they are going to get tiresome and aggravating pretty soon. I know when Rob was at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) I refused to listen to bellyaching. In Rob's case I would tell him to whine to his therapist. In Cory's case you could refer him to his public defender. :hammer:

(I just want to smack Cory up one side and down the other at this point- can you tell? :grin:)

Suz

 

[gottaloveem]

Hi Janet,
You did good. I remember when Alex was in juvy I got those same phone calls. It must be standard difficult child logic when they are locked up or sent somewhere they don't want to be. I am crossing fingers like crazy that this trouble Cory got himself into is the turning point in his life.

Hang in there Janet, you are doing great.

 

[standswithcourage]

Ditto eveyone!! My son has done the exact same thing to me. Has pulled out all the words that could get next to me and used them well. However, it didnt work anymore. I told him if he didnt like where he was, why does he keep going there and breaking the law. Then he comes up with an excuse that it was all the cops fault. Imagine that! Marijuana is illegal and so is a lot of other things in this world. Good for you Janet. I think the more we can hold up to their stuff the tougher we get and eventually the better they will get. Does that make sense?
Also, when my son was in jail or the correctional facility we got cell phones. Our phone bill was so high from him calling saying how miserable he was that we could barely afford it. I figured the more he could get to me by phone it wasnt helping him stand on his own two feet. So we started writing letters. We would go visit him. That is worse sometimes. Face to face you really have to be tough and not breakdown. One more thing - he has a previous record - l felony - resisting arrest and many misdemenors for possession of marijuana - he has been in front of this judge before - I stood up in court in front of this judge and told them he needed treatment - about 2 years ago - my son does not want me to be in court this time. I wont go. We will see what happens.

 

[witzend]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Dammit Janet</div><div class="ubbcode-body">...it deteriorated into him cussing me out and he hung up on me...lmao. He called me back in short order and apologized telling me I didnt know how bad it was in jail and trying to cajole me into getting him out. </div></div>

"Gee, I guess that makes us even for your not knowing how bad it is to have your son steal your checks and write checks for more money than you have in your bank account so that you have no choice but to report it or get into trouble yourself for something your son did."

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Dammit Janet</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> He told me his mother wouldnt do this to him. I told him my son wouldnt have done this to me...lol. He tried telling me I wouldnt leave Jamie in there. I said if Jamie did this to me oh yes I would. LOL. He tried it all. Said he needed to get out to settle his affairs. Say goodbye to his child.</div></div>

(You did very well here, by the way! LOL) "Since you knew you would eventually go to jail for this, perhaps you should have said goodbye to his child before the police came and got him."

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Dammit Janet</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I simply held fast and told him he could do all that on the phone. I was actually giggling at times during this conversation.

I told him I would accept calls 3 times a week from him so he better make them count. The best times would be once during the week and twice on the weekends so he could speak with the baby.

That is the best I can do for him. </div></div>

I hope you will add that tried and true rule that the phone gets hung up the minute he gets abusive with you. He's the one who's got himself limited to three phone calls a week!

 

[DammitJanet]

The calls are time limited by the phone company to either ten or fifteen minutes so he cant ramble but for so long.

He threatened to just call back but I told him I wouldnt accept the call so he backed down...lol. He is figuring out that he doesnt have as much power as he thinks he does. He wants to bluster and moan but that is all he can do. I do have to laugh at him because he was cussing at me and saying how I could get him out and I heard this guy in the background asking him why he was saying that to me...lol. He was trying to justify himself to some convict...lmao. Good lucky buddy.

He will learn.

Im not going to make this easy at all on him. He has to feel the heat to figure out that it isnt what he wants. I do have a friend who is going to send in a prison minister to talk to him which I think will be a good thing. Cory wont know this guy is from us so that will be a plus.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

You should be proud of the strength that you are displaying.

When you feel you have spent it all, come on back here and we will send you more. "Standswithcourage", that goes for you as well.

Both of you are in my prayers!!

 

[standswithcourage]

thanks! I need all the help I can get! I sent preachers in to talk to my son also. I also did that when he was in correctional facility. I think I talked to everyone except the Governor! That is codependent at its worst. Instead of talking to God - I talked to every human being that would listen. This support group here is good for everybody and God knows it. We will just hold each other up.

 

[DammitJanet]

Well he seems to be getting with the program. He is more resigned to his fate and not begging me to get him out as hard today. He is sorry for how he treated me and what he has done. Probably another ploy...lol.

He wants to see me. I told him writing would be the best thing for the time being though I would find out when his visitation days are. I know he is very attached to us and that this is going to be extremely hard for him. One of husband's friends...in fact husband's boss, talked to us about this and told us that we shouldnt turn our back on him completely. I think he is right. We can be strong in our stance that what he did was wrong and that he has to pay his price without shunning him. It is a tightrope that we must walk but Cory cant think he has no family. That would just make him give up and become hard.

 

[flutterbee]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Dammit Janet</div><div class="ubbcode-body">He is sorry for how he treated me and what he has done. Probably another ploy...lol. </div></div>

One that is truly sorry doesn't keep doing committing the offensive act. It's early in the game, yet. I'm guessing he's just sorry that he got caught.

Good for you for standing strong! You are right that you don't have to abandon him, but when you do visit him get up and walk out if he becomes abusive. Loving someone doesn't mean that you have to tolerate all of the bad behavior. I know that you know that. I think Cory needs to know that, though.

 

[Suz]

Janet, while I agree that you shouldn't turn your back on Cory, I think he needs to feel what his life would be like if you weren't in it. You are being generous about phone calls as it is. I would strongly urge you to let him sweat it out there at least a month before you visit. When Rob was thrown in Detention, his PO felt very strongly that Rob needed to feel our absence and wouldn't approve a visit until his last week there (his Residential Treatment Center (RTC) had the same rule about waiting a month). We were Rob's parents but we were also his VICTIMS---and so are you with Cory. You can talk to him on the phone and send him short notes of encouragement in the meantime.

My two cents.

Suz

 

[donna723]

Janet, I agree with Suz that you should wait a while, at least a month or even longer, before visiting. He may want to see you because he thinks that his pleas to get him out will be harder for you to resist in person.

You need to be keeping him at arms-length right now. It will do him good to stew on it for a while. He's got a lot of thinking to do. He has no right whatsoever to expect you to revert to some "warm, concerned mommy" role and be consumed with worry for HIM when he's in there for committing a crime against YOU! TWICE! One of these days that's just going to have to sink in with him! He's always wiggled out of just about everything in the past and he might not be able to do that this time. He's a grown man now and he needs to take responsibility for his actions, be accountable, stand on his own two feet, and get his life back on track. He's still very young - he can do it. But this is something he needs to do on his own. Not saying that you should "disown" or abandon him completely. Be supportive if he makes an effort to help himself, but that's about all you can do. If he ends up in a state prison someday, those guys don't get to call their mothers asking them to get them out! He needs to realize that!

 

[Hound dog]

Janet

I would venture to guess that at the moment, Cory is more sorry he got CAUGHT then that he did the things he did. Or that it is another ploy. If he is contrite enough, you and husband will cave in.

It's going to take some time, and hopefully some treatment, before Cory will be likely to feel genuine remorse for his actions.

I'm proud of you for standing strong, I know it couldn't have been easy, even though you know most of it was blustering on his part. Keeping fingers crossed he stops once he figures out it isn't going to work. (cuz I'm sure it's going to get old after awhile)

(((hugs))))

 

[hearthope]

Reading along....



I guess there is a process they are going thru because my calls sound the same as yours.

It is not easy.


Thinking of you



Traci

 

[standswithcourage]

I agree. Although I am not the most expert at any of this tough love. I agree that the i am sorry stuff comes about when they are locked up. Not many times did I hear i am sorry when he wasnt locked up. The first times that I went to see my son after he was locked up was a lot of arguing. He wanted out of there and he thought he could convince me face to face - especially with tears. It was hard for me - but this is not the first go around for him and I have seen it all happen like a rerun on a TV show. I am still scared for my son when he gets out. My husband said he was concerned to but it is time for him to see how it is own his own. If he decides to turn around we are there for him and he can come back home if he decides he wants to but not like it was. It will take time. I am trying to hold on too.

 

[standswithcourage]

I had to show someone I could use the icon! :smile:

 

[DammitJanet]

I think I like the cant visit for a month rule. I think I will develop some awful illness brought on by the stress of all this...lol. Maybe he will have given me a heart attack! I will have developed chest pains and was ordered not to drive or leave the house.

Im evil.

He has started in on husband now. He wasnt getting anyplace with me so he decided to try his tale of woe on his daddy. Poor husband...lol. Unfortunately husband tried to pity Cory and tell him that he felt for him and that he was so sorry that he got himself into this mess and that he did love him dearly and Cory took that to mean that his daddy wanted him out...lmao. Cory got me on the phone and told me that he could tell his daddy wanted him out and that I had to do what I could to get to get him out...I just laughed and said...uhhh NOOOO! We were both awful sorry he made this bad choices but he had to deal with the consequences. He just sighed.

No dice darlin. Nice try though.

 

[Kathy813]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> He may want to see you because he thinks that his pleas to get him out will be harder for you to resist in person.
</div></div>

My thoughts exactly.

~Kathy