Please help
- Thread starter jaeco
- Start date
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Ok, this is the difference between a obviously physical disorder and a brain disorder, like bipolar, which is also physical in nature.
MOST people who are ill want to be as independent as possible and do the best they can. Now if they truly can't drive a car, it's fine to give them a ride, but your daughter can (and I have to wonder who paid for the car and who is paying for the insurance?) Your daughter is physically able to make phone calls, get SSI, call social services, attend her appointments (is there bus service so she doesn't need gas?) and take her medication. She is capable of seeing a psychiatrist at a low cost clinic and talking to a therapist. She just is choosing not to do it. And the older she gets being unable to do so little as to make a phone call to qualify for SSI, the more helpless she will become. What happens when you are gone? Will she be homeless? She needs to learn how to cope with her disorder. All of us do.
Bipolar is not caused by bad parenting. It's genetic in nature. You didn't cause it and have no need to feel guilty about it. Your daughter is 32 years old. Look at my son's bio below. He is now 31 and has a mood disorder, severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and anxiety. He is married, works full time, and has a son. Lots of folks who are like your daughter deal with our disablities and become independent. You aren't letting her. I think Detachment 101 would be a good place to start. You are too enmeshed with her and she's too old to be so dependent on you. (((Hugs))) I don't mean to be tough of you, but, truly, sometimes less is actually more.
MOST people who are ill want to be as independent as possible and do the best they can. Now if they truly can't drive a car, it's fine to give them a ride, but your daughter can (and I have to wonder who paid for the car and who is paying for the insurance?) Your daughter is physically able to make phone calls, get SSI, call social services, attend her appointments (is there bus service so she doesn't need gas?) and take her medication. She is capable of seeing a psychiatrist at a low cost clinic and talking to a therapist. She just is choosing not to do it. And the older she gets being unable to do so little as to make a phone call to qualify for SSI, the more helpless she will become. What happens when you are gone? Will she be homeless? She needs to learn how to cope with her disorder. All of us do.
Bipolar is not caused by bad parenting. It's genetic in nature. You didn't cause it and have no need to feel guilty about it. Your daughter is 32 years old. Look at my son's bio below. He is now 31 and has a mood disorder, severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and anxiety. He is married, works full time, and has a son. Lots of folks who are like your daughter deal with our disablities and become independent. You aren't letting her. I think Detachment 101 would be a good place to start. You are too enmeshed with her and she's too old to be so dependent on you. (((Hugs))) I don't mean to be tough of you, but, truly, sometimes less is actually more.
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
I am 47 and bipolar and borderline. I also have physical disabilities on top of that. I really dont see a whole lot of difference between the two. Maybe the world at large would treat a disabled person in a wheelchair differently but I dont think my family would.
My family has to make accommodations for me based on my health problems as a whole...not just mental or physical.
Well I dont even know that accommodations would be the right word. Im just me. Someday I wont be able to take care of me as well as I do now and who knows what is going to happen. That someday almost came mighty early last fall! Everybody came to a screeching halt and found out that momma was mighty important to them.
You have to know that she can do this. I learned to deal with my bipolar et al, while taking care of three kids. I know now that I have had this my whole life. It took me until I was in my late 30's to get diagnosed but now I am so much better. My family is so much happier. I wish my parents had been able to get me help when I was little but bipolar wasnt diagnosed back then.
My family has to make accommodations for me based on my health problems as a whole...not just mental or physical.
Well I dont even know that accommodations would be the right word. Im just me. Someday I wont be able to take care of me as well as I do now and who knows what is going to happen. That someday almost came mighty early last fall! Everybody came to a screeching halt and found out that momma was mighty important to them.
You have to know that she can do this. I learned to deal with my bipolar et al, while taking care of three kids. I know now that I have had this my whole life. It took me until I was in my late 30's to get diagnosed but now I am so much better. My family is so much happier. I wish my parents had been able to get me help when I was little but bipolar wasnt diagnosed back then.
N
Nomad
Guest
For those who come to this site often:
Do we have a link for detachment information?
Here is one thing I found when I googled the word "detachment:"
The key is to stop being responsible for others and be responsible them-and to ourselves.
Jaeco, of course you can always google for information on the subject. Many of us here have started simply by reading the Serenity Prayer.
Do we have a link for detachment information?
Here is one thing I found when I googled the word "detachment:"
The key is to stop being responsible for others and be responsible them-and to ourselves.
Jaeco, of course you can always google for information on the subject. Many of us here have started simply by reading the Serenity Prayer.
I do recite that prayer often. I misunderstood I guess...I thought there was a section on this site. I'll just Google and refresh myself. I did at one point have a file with a lot of things that were helpful. Also looked for my books today. Before I forget, anybody have any feelings about whether or not to get help with filing for disability and paying the percentage for that help.....any opinions on whether or not you have a more successful rate of it being awarded? I realize one must qualify but just in general wondering if most people are denied and then have to appeal. I think I saw there's a different area on this site for that so I'll check that out.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
If t his helps, I have been told that a bipolar diagnosis is almost an automatic, but a professional has to give the diagnosis (this was my diagnosis). I got disability the first time I applied. Also, a paper trail of professionals and jobs s he's had and failed at is good. I did that too. There is no magic way to push yourself to the head of the line fast except to be obviously unable to work. I had heard nobody gets disability the first time they apply, but I did and they said the magic word was "bipolar." If I needed it, I would then also apply for social services, assisted living or low income housing, and all sort of services. You automatically get Medicare. Your case is reviewed every three years, at least in Wisconsin where I live, but for me it's just automatic. Gather all the names and addresses of her past doctors and jobs and go for it. Good luck! You deserve a break and that happy retirement! There are supports out there for your daughter. All she has to do is take advantage of them.
goldenguru
Active Member
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/
I do quite a bit of disability application with my clients at work. My advice? Try to apply yourself the first time. The fact that she is homeless should help her cause. Your daughter is also going to need a paper trail - records of diagnosis, lost jobs, medications, trips to doctors, hospitalizations, etc. The first attempt should take around 4 months. Then if you are denied, I would recommend an attorney.
Do you have any homeless shelters where you live? That is always an option for your daughter in the short term. They are not the ritz, but they are fed, showered and have shelter. Many of them even provide some sort of job search support, life skills classes,etc. Check in your area.
A book that I recommend reading is called "One Sad Ungathered Rose" by Susan Poole. Amazon carries it. It is a the true story of an elderly mother who spends her entire lifetime trying to fix her mentally ill daughter. It changed my perspective immensely.
Read through the website above. It is amazing information.
Welcome to our forum!!
I do quite a bit of disability application with my clients at work. My advice? Try to apply yourself the first time. The fact that she is homeless should help her cause. Your daughter is also going to need a paper trail - records of diagnosis, lost jobs, medications, trips to doctors, hospitalizations, etc. The first attempt should take around 4 months. Then if you are denied, I would recommend an attorney.
Do you have any homeless shelters where you live? That is always an option for your daughter in the short term. They are not the ritz, but they are fed, showered and have shelter. Many of them even provide some sort of job search support, life skills classes,etc. Check in your area.
A book that I recommend reading is called "One Sad Ungathered Rose" by Susan Poole. Amazon carries it. It is a the true story of an elderly mother who spends her entire lifetime trying to fix her mentally ill daughter. It changed my perspective immensely.
Read through the website above. It is amazing information.
Welcome to our forum!!
N
Nomad
Guest
Loved GG's post!
I recall reading that book...it was very sad, but very good.
Additionally, the advice she gave with- reference to SS Disability was the same we received. Many we have heard about, helped their children apply and were denied. Then they got an attorney, and it was relatively quickly approved. It is very common for this to happen. So, if you apply and it is denied, it is almost to be ignored. It is just part of the process. The trick is to keep moving forward. Make the call. Get the application (or perhaps you can do it on-line). Fill out the paperwork. Get the records. Understand that there is an excellent chance you will be denied. Get an attorney who specializes in SS Disability. Then, reapply with their help. The chances are very good you will be approved with the second application...the one you do with the attorney's help. As far as I can tell, this is almost the "way it is done."
I agree, if these problems continue as they are progressing (de-escalating, really) then a homeless shelter is not a bad idea at all. I would prepare a list. Know where they are. Bottom line, stop the madness. Do not let your daughter torment you. You can not, nor should you do this any longer. Tell her this and do this. Enough is enough, it was enough a long time ago. You do not have the power to change her...she has to make the decision herself to get better...you just can not do it.
I really like that website on detachment. It is wonderful...it totally spells it out.I do hope you read it. But, do not hesitate to go to a Families Anonymous meeting if they happen to have them in your area...and they probably do. Meeting local people in your area will probably help you.
Look what I found on the detachment website....specific instructions...awesome:
How to Develop Detachment
In order to become detached from a person, place or thing, you need to:
First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.
Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.
Third: "Hand over" to your Higher Power the persons, places and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own.
Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need" to fix, change, rescue or heal other persons, places and things.
Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick" and "unhealthy" to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal or rescue another person, place or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change.
Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean" and a "role model" of health in order for another to recognize that there is something "wrong" with them that needs changing.
Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel.
Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.
Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are "sick" behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places and things.
Tenth: Accept that many people, places and things in your past and current life are "irrational," "unhealthy" and "toxic" influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.
Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.
Twelfth: Practice "letting go" of the need to correct, fix or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.
p.s.
If you go to the Archive Section (s) here under General and under PE Forum, you can find information/discussion on detachment and letting go.
I recall reading that book...it was very sad, but very good.
Additionally, the advice she gave with- reference to SS Disability was the same we received. Many we have heard about, helped their children apply and were denied. Then they got an attorney, and it was relatively quickly approved. It is very common for this to happen. So, if you apply and it is denied, it is almost to be ignored. It is just part of the process. The trick is to keep moving forward. Make the call. Get the application (or perhaps you can do it on-line). Fill out the paperwork. Get the records. Understand that there is an excellent chance you will be denied. Get an attorney who specializes in SS Disability. Then, reapply with their help. The chances are very good you will be approved with the second application...the one you do with the attorney's help. As far as I can tell, this is almost the "way it is done."
I agree, if these problems continue as they are progressing (de-escalating, really) then a homeless shelter is not a bad idea at all. I would prepare a list. Know where they are. Bottom line, stop the madness. Do not let your daughter torment you. You can not, nor should you do this any longer. Tell her this and do this. Enough is enough, it was enough a long time ago. You do not have the power to change her...she has to make the decision herself to get better...you just can not do it.
I really like that website on detachment. It is wonderful...it totally spells it out.I do hope you read it. But, do not hesitate to go to a Families Anonymous meeting if they happen to have them in your area...and they probably do. Meeting local people in your area will probably help you.
Look what I found on the detachment website....specific instructions...awesome:
How to Develop Detachment
In order to become detached from a person, place or thing, you need to:
First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.
Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.
Third: "Hand over" to your Higher Power the persons, places and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own.
Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need" to fix, change, rescue or heal other persons, places and things.
Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick" and "unhealthy" to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal or rescue another person, place or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change.
Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean" and a "role model" of health in order for another to recognize that there is something "wrong" with them that needs changing.
Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel.
Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.
Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are "sick" behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places and things.
Tenth: Accept that many people, places and things in your past and current life are "irrational," "unhealthy" and "toxic" influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.
Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.
Twelfth: Practice "letting go" of the need to correct, fix or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.
p.s.
If you go to the Archive Section (s) here under General and under PE Forum, you can find information/discussion on detachment and letting go.
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I've read quickly through the posts becuase I have to leave for the day. The info is great. I didn't mean to give the impression that my daughter is homeless...she is not. She does live on her own in a small dilapidated trailer and the rent is extremely cheap and yes, I know, I do pay that..My concern is this though. She's not been to a doctor for at least two years, no therapy or anything...refused to continue. she has agreed to go to therapy now. Wonder if that lapse in treatment will affect the filing for disability and also she's lost so many jobs I have no clue. I imagine we need documentation from them, the lost jobs? I'm pretty sure the first diagnosis at the treatment center was for bipolar so those records should be easy enough to get but it has been awhile. I can't even think how long that's been, maybe four or five years. That book I don't know about just yet....Sad is rampant here. I am pulling out my old boundaries books though and will print out the detahcment info and later today go to the suggested site. I have hope now for disability...as long as that lapse in treamtent isn't a big deal. I would think not, I would think there are tons of untreated around.
R
rheadabovewater
Guest
Jaeco, I can totally sympathize because that sounds so much like my daughter, and where she lives - very small town in southern WA where everyone knows everyone else - there are two classifications of residents: the conservative middle-class farmers and the bottom-feeders, who have been in and out of jail and are just waiting to get arrested again.
My daughter is 31 and has also never been able to hold a job. She's diagnosis'd as bipolar. She's had jobs in the past but can't keep them. Her two kids were taken away from her for neglect, but she really got the runaround from the authorities in her area. They have absolutely no sympathy for people who are mentally ill.
My difficult child is now on SSI thank God, and since she's good with money she is able to live in an apartment in low-income housing. Is there any way you can get your difficult child on assistance?
My daughter is 31 and has also never been able to hold a job. She's diagnosis'd as bipolar. She's had jobs in the past but can't keep them. Her two kids were taken away from her for neglect, but she really got the runaround from the authorities in her area. They have absolutely no sympathy for people who are mentally ill.
My difficult child is now on SSI thank God, and since she's good with money she is able to live in an apartment in low-income housing. Is there any way you can get your difficult child on assistance?
