Please just help me...

[moe73]

I need help...we have a 17 year old Daughter who will be 18 in October. She has been cutting for 2 years now. She has a learning disability, been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. She see's a therapist once a week, we have tried every medication and they just make her lash out. She has been through 3 schools in the past 3 years. Each school never works out. She is going to be a senior next year and the only option available is online. She is upset about it because she wants to go to another school. Every month she will start to yell and complain that she has no friends, everyone hates her, why don't I do anything, why can't we move, and she is VERY paranoid. She thinks everyone is talking about her. She wants to be in a school but, when she is she calls me crying in the bathroom about how someone said something about her and she starts to self-harm. There are other times she is perfectly fine. She refuses counseling at times, and refuses to go out with girls who ask her to hang out, but she complains that no one wants to be with her. I try to explain to her that she has to make an effort and go out with people if she wants friends but, she starts yelling and sits in her room and says that no one cares and no does anything, and if I cared we would move. I tell her you can’t keep trying to reinvent yourself (counselor has told her this many times) and she turns it around that we are all out to get her and we don’t care. She is VERY pretty and gets a lot of attention from boys. The boys are more than happy to be with her, but she has only 1 girlfriend. I don’t know what to do anymore. I know that doing online school will throw her into even more of a depressive state but, she has gone to all the schools in district already and the 5 open enrollment requests I sent out said no due to the IEP. Please just help me.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Welcome moe73. I'm sorry you're going through this with your daughter. You might try posting in General parenting as well since your child is still 17.

The best advice I can offer you is to find support for YOU. There is an organization called NAMI which has very good courses for parents of kids who have emotional and mental issues. You can access them online, they have chapters in many cities. I found them to be very helpful. Getting support for yourself will lighten your burden by offering you guidance, options, support, a place to vent, the opportunity to connect with other parents going through similar experiences, as well as solutions, resources and a safe place to feel empathy and compassion.

We get worn out when our kids go off the rails, for whatever reason. Posting in General may give you some concrete options for kids your daughter's age. Keep posting, it helps. You're not alone. We're glad you're here. Find support for YOU.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Hi, and welcome

I started a private conversation with you. You will find the inbox on the upper right hand corner of the forums pages.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

the only option available is online.

That is the true thing.

She is upset about it because she wants to go to another school. Every month she will start to yell and complain that she has no friends, everyone hates her, why don't I do anything, why can't we move, and she is VERY paranoid. She thinks everyone is talking about her. She wants to be in a school but, when she is she calls me crying in the bathroom about how someone said something about her and she starts to self-harm.

These are the manipulations.

I am so sorry to say this. I don't mean to offend.

It seems to me that your daughter is aware of the reasons she will have to complete her education online.

If that is true, heartbreaking as it is for her to accept that true thing, she must accept it. There is no other option.

And yet, she is torturing you with her suffering.

It breaks a mother's heart to see her child suffer. In our helplessness in the face of that, we go into overdrive. Nothing matters but getting the child through the immediate crisis.

And your child calls you, so that even if you are not there to see it, you will know she is harming herself; she wants you to witness that impossible to know thing in real time when you are not there to stop her.

And then you go there, and you save her, and the real problem, the only possible solution, is not addressed.

I do not mean to offend. My heart is there, right there with you. I have been where you are, have listened and been shocked into overdrive by the pain of it, and by my own helplessness. It was Recovering Enabler who pointed out to me that this thing my own daughter had done to me, was continuing to do to me, that this thing that was killing me, was a manipulation.

Recovering was correct.

We can say to our children: "You are strong enough. You will figure it out. You can face this. You are so fortunate to have this option. I don't know."

We can say those three magic words: I don't know.

I don't know how you are going to do this hard thing. I only know you are strong enough to do it. I believe in you. I love you.

Stuff like that.

I try to explain to her that she has to make an effort and go out with people if she wants friends but, she starts yelling and sits in her room and says that no one cares and no does anything, and if I cared we would move.

If you did not care, you would not listen.

It is hard to remain present in the face of our child's suffering unless we know the words to say. I hope those things I posted above can be a good beginning place for you, and for your daughter.

I am sorry this is so hurtful, and so hard.

I know that doing online school will throw her into even more of a depressive state

This helped me: We don't know how the story will come out. Thinking we do, writing the end of the story before we begin to tell it, saps our determination to see it through.

When our children are in trouble, we cannot afford to entertain things that sap our strength.

Would this work. One of us and I were having a conversation one day, and the subject of horses, and of riding, and of children being brought back to center by the relations they form over time, and by the skills and empathy they learn over time, through working with and loving, their horses.

So, could that be something, some new way to approach who and how she is and what matters and what does not matter, with your daughter? Online school in the Fall, and riding lessons, or weekly visits to a riding stable, or maybe even dressage riding (which is a beautiful, fancy way of riding).

That could be something you could try. Regular lessons, weekly lessons. Maybe a way to volunteer to groom the horses. Or maybe, to volunteer to walk the animals in a shelter, to go there and touch them and love them, because they are so lonely, too.

Our hearts are right there with you, Moe 73. Maybe, knowing your own child, you will see other ways of getting her out of that place she is in, now.

I really like that horses and riding idea.

Cedar

 

[Childofmine]

Welcome to the forum, and I am so sorry for your pain. I hear you.

My best friend's son sounds a lot like your daughter, about 10 years ago. He was cutting, and he acted out a lot. They got him on medication and in with a therapist who was known to be good with young teen boys.

Finally, he was diagnosed bi-polar and has been on medications since that time. He is doing great today. He earned a master's degree from Savannah College of Art and Design and is working in his field, which is television production.

I wanted to give you this encouraging news, because there is a lot of hope if you can get the right help.

We want to support you as you deal with your daughter. We know how hard this is. My son's very serious problems worsened when he was 19. At that point I couldn't make him do anything.

Please keep on trying to get the best help you can before she turns 18. Everything gets so much harder after that.

We get it here, and we care. Please keep posting. Warm hugs today for your hurting heart.