Sorry I've been away - it's been a crazy few days. We went to the funeral home Thursday morning to discuss arrangements. girlfriend's mother started out by saying that they had all talked last night and agreed on a plan; difficult child 1 said no, they hadn't. The mother continued without acknowledging him, saying that the baby would be cremated and the remains (cremains?) taken out of state to one of her family's two 'private cemeteries'. On further discussion it turned out that difficult child 1 and girlfriend really didn't want cremation; the mother backed off that and said, burial out of state. difficult child 1 said he didn't want that, that he would like somewhere closer so that they could visit the cemetery. He asked if there was a cemetery associated with our parish (there is), and said that was what he wanted. The mother stood firm. We said to difficult child 1 and girlfriend that it was their decision; we would go to a service wherever they decided. Then it turned out that the two 'private cemeteries' out of state were actually a couple of plots in a public cemetery which may or may not be usable, and the mother was expecting us to arrange everything and pay the entire cost. difficult child 1 and girlfriend asked for a few hours to discuss and decide, and we all left. The mother was in a good mood; she assumed that her plan would be followed and we would pay for it.
difficult child 1 and girlfriend called us Friday and said they had decided on a service and burial in our parish. The funeral was set for Monday (tomorrow). When girlfriend's mother heard their decision she flew into a rage and tried to break down their bedroom door, threatened to slit difficult child 1's throat in his sleep, and said my husband and I need to be 'rubbed out'. She told girlfriend that she was no longer her daughter and she would not be attending the funeral. When difficult child 1 called me to tell me all of this, husband and I told him to get out of that apartment NOW. He came home and brought girlfriend with him. We asked her assurance that the decision re the funeral and burial are her wish, unpressured, and whether she has any misgivings or second thoughts. She said she had made her decision to leave her mother, had burned her bridges (according to her mother), and was committed to the funeral as planned.
husband and I thought hard about filing a police complaint re the threats, but weren't sure we could when it was only hearsay. girlfriend confirmed to us that her mother had made the threats but I don't trust her to testify to that.
Now girlfriend, while she still says she wants the funeral to go ahead as planned, is in tears with guilt, feeling she should give her mother a chance to attend. She wants her mother there for her - we talked about ideal vs real mothers, and the fact that her mother has chosen not to be there. I don't want that woman there after the threats she made, and certainly don't intend to transport her. difficult child 1 told girlfriend he is absolutely opposed to the mother being there. Tonight girlfriend is upset, knowing her mother will blame her for everything including the mother's outburst. difficult child 1 is upset with girlfriend for being more concerned with her mother's feelings than with his. We are not a happy household tonight. I did have a chance to talk to girlfriend about letting her mother own her own actions and words.
Quite a week.
