Premature baby on the way

katya02

Solace
Thank you all so much for your kindness. We are still getting through day by day and hour by hour. difficult child 1 has been truly wonderful through everything. He is devastated, but the good thing is he has been able to express his emotion. That is something he never did previously; he always shut down and went 'inside', wouldn't make eye contact or accept comfort. In this situation he is willing and able to cry and accept comfort. He has been wonderful toward his girlfriend, who of course is also devastated. I'm also glad that my younger son and daughter were able to be there and hold the baby at the end.

It is still surreal. It was so hard, holding my granddaughter as her life slipped away. I know we'll treasure those moments in future but right now I just get overwhelmed. One day at a time.
 
D

done_dad

Guest
So sorry to hear of your loss - I will pray for your family in this difficult time.
 
Katya,
husband and I have been and will continue praying for you and all involved!
I can't begin to imagine the ranges of emotion you all must be experiencing.
(((((((((((((Love, Tears, Hugs and Prayers!)))))))))))))
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
Katya,

For the short time that you were able to know Anna what a blessing she was to your lives. It is my guess that angels come into our lives for only short periods of time because they are so special and their time is so precious; as are they. For the loss that you are suffering there aren't any real words of comfort, but please know that my family is praying for your family to have strength, understanding, and peace at this time. We are with you in spirit. Much love - Star and Family
 

CrazyinVA

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Katya, I am extremely late to this thread as I was on vacation all last week. I wanted to tell you how deeply sorry I am for you and your family on the loss of baby Anna. I pray for strength and healing for all of you.
 
Katya,

I am also so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. I lost my brother in a very similar way. I'm just so glad that you all were there, because it really does makes a difference.

Hugs,

Valerie
 

katya02

Solace
I deeply appreciate everyone's kindness and continuing support. Am so upset tonight I can't sleep ... difficult child 1 and girlfriend had to make some decisions today about funeral arrangements. It turns out that girlfriend and her mother had it in mind to have the baby sent to another state to be buried; the mother was really bullying difficult child 1 about it. We had them over to talk so as to be able to support difficult child 1 and hear what the mother had to say. When the mother found out that we would not be writing a blank check to fund everything she had in mind (she doesn't intend to contribute at all but had some very extravagant ideas), she and girlfriend insisted on cremation. girlfriend's idea is that the town where we live 'killed her baby' and she refuses to consider burial here. While I understand that she's upset, she also has completely ignored difficult child 1's thoughts and feelings about plans. She changed her ideas from wanting the baby laid to rest in her home state, to saying she 'wants the baby with her' wherever she goes. She latched onto this idea and abandoned the idea of burial anywhere, even her original plan.

Cremation is forbidden by our faith, for various reasons. difficult child 1 knows that and asked if there aren't exceptions in certain circumstances (there really aren't) but the bottom line is that girlfriend and her mother will do what they want. I have not let difficult child 1 know how much this upsets me as he's between a rock and a hard place, and this is not my decision to make. But I'm sitting here tonight unable to sleep. It feels like this is the final, crowning, worst thing that could happen. I realize that many people accept this practice and I don't mean any insult to anyone. I have to support difficult child 1 but don't know how I'm going to get through this.

Another thing - they decided to change the original name they had selected and have given the baby the same name as my daughter's. Somehow it makes the whole cremation issue feel worse.
 
Last edited:

CrazyinVA

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Oh my Katya, how horrible for you .. this certainly adds so much more pain and stress to an already heartbreaking situation. I pray an agreement can somehow be reached so that you can grieve without having to deal with the stress of conflict. Gentle hugs to you.
 

Hound dog

Nana's are Beautiful
Katya my heart aches for you. While I personally don't have an issue with cremation.......I know many belief do and they are very hard to let go of especially during such times. (((hugs)))

It sounds as if girlfriend is very grief stricken, most likely in emotional shock, and very confused. Her mother unfortunately is making a very bad situation much worse and harder on her daughter than necessary. girlfriend's claim to want to have the baby with her always is a bit worrisome. Makes me wonder if any of this has really sunk in. An understandable desire for a grief stricken mother, but still with all the drama caused by her Mom it makes you wonder about her emotional/mental stability at this time.

Nichole and I went through this with her bff a few years back. The girl was an emotional wreck. But at least the grandparents weren't adding in what they felt should be done or not done......or elaborate plans yadda yadda. Nichole's bff and her boyfriend had a small furneral/visitation service. Nichole thought the visitation was a bit over the top. But I explained to her that it was important to her bff that it was important this child, although he didn't live but a few hours, be acknowledge as a member of her family. The whole family is very very poor, but pooled money together to give the girl what she needed to say good-bye.

I don't know what has been discussed as far as a service/visitation goes........but I wonder if difficult child's girlfriend is afraid to let go of her baby daughter for fear she'll be forgotten. And via cremation she feels she won't ever have to really let go. Perhaps difficult child or you could encourage some grief counseling for her and him. Losing a child is enormous to deal with, no matter the age of the child.

While it was very difficult for Nichole's bff's family to go through the visitation.......it gave the parents what they needed to move on. They were able to acknowledge this child was born, a member of the family, and say their good-byes.

I am so very sorry your family has experienced such a loss. Many many heart filled ((((hugs)))) and prayers for all of you.
 

DaisyFace

Love me...Love me not
Katya--

What an agonizing situation! And the name change? Heartbreaking...

Regarding cremation - I know several families that, having lost a loved one, used cremation as a way to ensure that the deceased could be shared among the families. Instead of a burial plot in a single location - they distributed the cremains between relatives. One family chose to place a bit of a father's cremains into lockets that each daughter could wear around her neck.

Personally, I find it a bit macabre - but the families seemed to take great comfort in this arrangement.

Perhaps this is what girlfriend's family has in mind?
 

Mattsmom277

Active Member
Very late to this thread but wanted to send my warm thoughts and prayers to you and your family. This is a heartbreaking end to these young parents journey. I hope that things get sorted regarding services etc in a way that everyone can accept. (((hugs)))
 
I'm so sorry the issue of arrangements has taken such a turn, to add so much more pain to the situation. I was stunned when I read the part about the name change though. I'm at least hearing some reasoning for the cremation, but what of the name change? I'm assuming difficult child 1 had no say in this decision either?

As I thought it over, I wondered if the change itself could have anything to do with a distancing maneuver, to try to dull some part of the pain. But why your daughter's name?
 

katya02

Solace
Sorry I've been away - it's been a crazy few days. We went to the funeral home Thursday morning to discuss arrangements. girlfriend's mother started out by saying that they had all talked last night and agreed on a plan; difficult child 1 said no, they hadn't. The mother continued without acknowledging him, saying that the baby would be cremated and the remains (cremains?) taken out of state to one of her family's two 'private cemeteries'. On further discussion it turned out that difficult child 1 and girlfriend really didn't want cremation; the mother backed off that and said, burial out of state. difficult child 1 said he didn't want that, that he would like somewhere closer so that they could visit the cemetery. He asked if there was a cemetery associated with our parish (there is), and said that was what he wanted. The mother stood firm. We said to difficult child 1 and girlfriend that it was their decision; we would go to a service wherever they decided. Then it turned out that the two 'private cemeteries' out of state were actually a couple of plots in a public cemetery which may or may not be usable, and the mother was expecting us to arrange everything and pay the entire cost. difficult child 1 and girlfriend asked for a few hours to discuss and decide, and we all left. The mother was in a good mood; she assumed that her plan would be followed and we would pay for it.

difficult child 1 and girlfriend called us Friday and said they had decided on a service and burial in our parish. The funeral was set for Monday (tomorrow). When girlfriend's mother heard their decision she flew into a rage and tried to break down their bedroom door, threatened to slit difficult child 1's throat in his sleep, and said my husband and I need to be 'rubbed out'. She told girlfriend that she was no longer her daughter and she would not be attending the funeral. When difficult child 1 called me to tell me all of this, husband and I told him to get out of that apartment NOW. He came home and brought girlfriend with him. We asked her assurance that the decision re the funeral and burial are her wish, unpressured, and whether she has any misgivings or second thoughts. She said she had made her decision to leave her mother, had burned her bridges (according to her mother), and was committed to the funeral as planned.

husband and I thought hard about filing a police complaint re the threats, but weren't sure we could when it was only hearsay. girlfriend confirmed to us that her mother had made the threats but I don't trust her to testify to that.

Now girlfriend, while she still says she wants the funeral to go ahead as planned, is in tears with guilt, feeling she should give her mother a chance to attend. She wants her mother there for her - we talked about ideal vs real mothers, and the fact that her mother has chosen not to be there. I don't want that woman there after the threats she made, and certainly don't intend to transport her. difficult child 1 told girlfriend he is absolutely opposed to the mother being there. Tonight girlfriend is upset, knowing her mother will blame her for everything including the mother's outburst. difficult child 1 is upset with girlfriend for being more concerned with her mother's feelings than with his. We are not a happy household tonight. I did have a chance to talk to girlfriend about letting her mother own her own actions and words.

Quite a week.
 

DenitaS

New Member
OMG!! As if these two don't have enough on their plates!!! What is it with some people!!! I AM SO SORRY this is going on with all of you!! I hope things calm down soon!!

((((Hugs))))
 

CrazyinVA

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Poor girlfriend ... first she loses a child she carried for so long, and now she's "lost" her mother. I cannot even imagine the pain she must be in. What a heartless, psycho *B* that mother is. I'm glad you are there for both your son and his girlfriend.
 

missy44

New Member
What a heartbreaking situation for everyone involved. I'm so sorry for your loss...Warmest thoughts to you and your family....
 

susiestar

Roll With It
I am sorry for all the conflama that keeps adding to the pain. Poor girlfriend and difficult child 1, the pressure on top of the pain must be true torture.
 
Top