JMom
Well-Known Member
Dear Dodee,
You have certainly been through a lot with your son. I sense that your intense love for him is what has you struggling the most. I had a similar bond with my son and felt like I was "abandoning" him to the streets. It wasn't until I found this site, that I was taught to detach with love. I was still able to show him that I loved him without "helping" him. The difference between help and enabling is a fine line. When you are in doubt, it might help to ask yourself; are my actions helping or enabling him to do XYZ?
I found that I was so desperate for him to succeed that I could love him into sobriety. One of the biggest heartaches is not being able to fix it for them. Remember that he is not trying to hurt you, he is choosing drugs with a partial brain. The part that controls recognition of right/wrong and consequences is shut down. He is not thinking rationally and he is dragging you down with him. You did not choose to do drugs yourself, because those are not your values. Additionally, he needs to suffer the consequences-not you. He has to become self-sufficient. You will not always be there to advocate for him and the sooner he grows from those consequences. the better. Hope this helps. Take what you like and leave the rest. Others will be along to offer support. Don't beat yourself up. We have all tried lots of things that didn't work. He has to decide to quit. I hope you decide to practice self care. Do something kind for yourself.
Hugs,
JMOM
You have certainly been through a lot with your son. I sense that your intense love for him is what has you struggling the most. I had a similar bond with my son and felt like I was "abandoning" him to the streets. It wasn't until I found this site, that I was taught to detach with love. I was still able to show him that I loved him without "helping" him. The difference between help and enabling is a fine line. When you are in doubt, it might help to ask yourself; are my actions helping or enabling him to do XYZ?
I found that I was so desperate for him to succeed that I could love him into sobriety. One of the biggest heartaches is not being able to fix it for them. Remember that he is not trying to hurt you, he is choosing drugs with a partial brain. The part that controls recognition of right/wrong and consequences is shut down. He is not thinking rationally and he is dragging you down with him. You did not choose to do drugs yourself, because those are not your values. Additionally, he needs to suffer the consequences-not you. He has to become self-sufficient. You will not always be there to advocate for him and the sooner he grows from those consequences. the better. Hope this helps. Take what you like and leave the rest. Others will be along to offer support. Don't beat yourself up. We have all tried lots of things that didn't work. He has to decide to quit. I hope you decide to practice self care. Do something kind for yourself.
Hugs,
JMOM
