Quick rant

[Beta]

Beta, I haven’t read all the messages in this thread yet - it’s late here and I’m tired, so I’m just replying to your original post here. I just wanted to send you a virtual hug and let you know you are not alone.
We have bought a very nice, comfortable house for Difficult Child to rent from us. It’s old and the yard needs some work but inside is very nice. I met him at the house today. He had the new girlfriend in tow (don’t even start me start me on that situation!) Anyway, it was fine, but he made a few negative comments about the yard and it occurred to me that he has never thanked us for this opportunity.

We try and we try, but he never seems to appreciate the effort we make.

Sending you love and understanding xxx

Thank you MissLulu. You and your hubby are very generous to do this for your son. I hope that he will express SOME appreciation of some kind, but if he doesn't, I hope at least that his circumstances will at least level out enough to give you both some peace and rest from the turmoil.

I like this. Even though C.S. Lewis was a pious Catholic, this is a very Jewish idea. In Exodus 10:23, during the Plague of Darkness, it says, "No man saw his brother." Rabbi Yitzhak Meir Alter (1799-1866) says that this is the worst kind of darkness, when we do not see our fellow men, neither their outstretched hands nor their broken hearts.

When you're hurting yourself, it is hard to look outside yourself to other people. Here in the U.S., this coronavirus situation has escalated to a point that is very disturbing. Today, my husband and I both spent time in three grocery stores, separately, to try to stock up on food items. Businesses, schools, and many other entities are closed now. Our country hasn't had to deal with these types of things since WWII and we are pampered people (myself included!).
Anyway, I digress--my point is that when we brought him here three weeks ago, I thought maybe once his physical needs were being met, he might begin to show some willingness to take his eyes off of himself, if only for a moment. I'm still waiting.

He took his driving exam this morning. He failed it because he forgot to look both ways at an intersection and its an automatic failure. My husband will schlepp back to the DL office again tomorrow morning so he can retake it. Josh was pretty angry and my husband had to listen to his rant on the way home. I'm praying and hoping he was humbled enough by the failed test to not be so "know it all" and flippant.

 

[Crayola13]

He's thirty-one, so it might be another decade or two. I say that because there are so many people in our extended family who didn't see the need to work until age fifty. It's hard to understand. There are people who mature very late in life. Trying to explain to quite a few of our relatives that they have to pay the electric bill before they can go to an NFL gane is useless. They just don't have the maturity to comprehend that they cannot succeed in life unless they live a conventional lifestyle, such as working full time, getting job training, being on a budget, etc. They have no desire to live a conventional lifestyle. One of my relatives has a thirteen year old mentality. There is always money for the cable bill, bars, and vaping, but not for a car payment. He has to be the center of attention all the time and pitches fits like a hormonal teenager. He pesters the whole family for money. He's almost sixty. Then, we have the forty year old who has only worked for about 15 months. His grandmother supported him. If she was still around, I seriously doubt he would be working. His dad retired in his early thirties and didn't come out of retirement until age fifty. Now, he's retired again. His parents and wife supported him for decades. In another state: Imagine being 20 and having no goals in life except breaking into houses. No desire to finish high school.

 

[Triedntrue]

Beta
My son does the same things he just assumes i will pay if we are out. He has also tried to convince me to buy him a car even a house. I flat out told him due to his driving record and the way he has taken care of the cars i have already given him i will under no circumstances help him get a car. I don't know why our Difficult Child's are so entitled. I will accept a good portion of the blame for being so gullible for so long. I think you did the right thing just to walk away. If he pushes the issue make it clear that you wont or can't help he needs to figure it out on his own.

 

[Copabanana]

Nobody has to be the way our kids are.

I have lived long enough where I have known many people including those in my family, such as father and uncles who live in a way where they self-destruct and hurt others. While I believe with all of my heart as do you that adult behavior is a choice, there are many people who do not perceive this as so, and do not experience their actions as having potential to decide a different outcome.

I am not clear about why this is so. It has been the hardest thing, with respect to my own child, in large part because thus far it has been evocative or a repetition of what happened with my father.

My son believes it is his destiny to suffer as he has. He feels no choice at all.

I believe as do you, Busy, that we can choose, but I don't believe we have full control over our destiny. I believe we can choose in the face of destiny.

As I live this with my son more and more I feel that I am regaining control over both my decisions and with that to the extent that I'm able, regaining the potential to live my destiny, whatever it can be.

 

[BusynMember1]

Copa, I agree! Some adults feel in their heads that the world is out to punish them.

But they CAN make better choices. They just won't go for help or look at others and see the truth, that others had it far worse and overcame and are nice.

I still don't think anyone is unable to be nice. That in my opinion is a decision we all make.

 

[Beta]

On a positive note...Josh passed his DL test yesterday and now has his license! And...he has a job interview this morning for a seasonal job at a plant nursery just 200 yards from our house, so he can walk to work. God is being so good to him, but I don't know if he even recognizes it. I plan on pointing this out to him very soon.
The last two days, my husband has been working on Josh's tax returns for the last two years (he didn't file any) to see if he is owed some money. So far, he's found some and maybe a little more to come. Josh is pretty excited about that. I'm curious to see if Josh will express any appreciation. If not, I plan on pointing that out, as well as his ingratitude. There are two things I can't handle with people: disrespect and ingratitude. It may not do a bit of good, but somebody has to point out to him how ungrateful he is, even if he chooses never to change. For myself, if it doesn't change, I will eventually stop going the second mile for him. I'm just not going to do it forever, and I'm going to let him know that there will be a point where we no longer help if he can't/won't show any appreciation for what we are trying to do to help him.