Resentment toward son and him having a baby on the way

[detachingmother]

I'll try to keep this short. I just posted more on it in my "journal".

I am feeling so much resentment toward my son. I was doing well, not being involved in his mistakes, and staying detached as much as possible.

Now with him in jail, and a baby on the way, somehow because of the baby on the way, I was "sucked" back into his chaos. Because of my fears with the new baby coming, my first grandchild, which I know he will use against me eventually, as he has everything else.

How do I get out of this rut?

It's taking a physical toll, on my normally healthy self. Heart rate too fast all the time, anxiety, chest pain...

I just can't do this anymore.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi DM,
I know exactly how you feel. I remember when my son told me his girlfriend was pregnant. I'll admit, I was not happy at all. Here was my irresponsible son getting to take on the role of a father. He and the girlfriend did get married and for a while it appeared that he was really trying and I thought "finally, he's getting it and changing for the better". Those "positive" changes were short lived and a very false. Not long after baby #2 was born my daughter in law shared with me the ugly truth about what was really going on. They ended up getting divorced and my son abandoned his children. My grandson was 3 months old then, he will be 6 in a few weeks.

I can only share with you what I did. I maintained a good relationship with my daughter in law. She is a wonderful mother to my grands. She lives 2000 miles from me but husband and I will travel there to see them. She is re-married and has a new daughter who I also consider to be my granddaughter.
I am so glad that I made the effort to maintain a relationship with my daughter in law.

Do you have a relationship with baby's mother? Do you think your son will be an active part of the baby's life?

You have time and in that time I would suggest thinking about how you can set clear boundaries in that you will not allow your son to use this child as a bargaining chip. Also, remember, the baby's mother will have a say in all of this too.

Hang in there!! This is just another storm that you will weather and having a grandchild is like the rainbow that comes after the storm.

((HUGS)) to you...........................

 

[detachingmother]

Do you have a relationship with baby's mother? Do you think your son will be an active part of the baby's life?

Yes, and she lately has looked at me like an ATM too, in fact, I used those exact words. She wants money for baby things, which I did and didn't mind. Now it's constantly asking me for money for phone calls so those two can talk...(Son's in jail and often they "waste" phone calls fighting). They are both emotional manipulators. And very good at it, but I'm aware and getting very good at giving tough love. Had a lot of practice. I am not bending on this, haven't been giving $ for phone, since they fight instead of talk. I have only put $10 in past two weeks and only so I could talk to him. She had her own $70 for phone calls and chose to spend it on things she did not need, then keeps asking me for $$. Relentlessly. I am in ignore mode with her right now.

Son would be a good provider and father, overall, but not sure if it will last. He cannot keep himself out of trouble long enough. Can't do that when he's in jail, if he goes back. He will be out when baby's about 3 months...in jail now, but on way to 90 inpatient. Honestly, now that I think about it, he may go to prison when he faces felony probation after all this. So, I am getting ahead of it all with a lot of anxiety. He may end up not even in the picture, other than short visits, while he possibly does 18 months in prison boot camp. Probably wouldn't be the worst thing that can happen.

Yes, you are right. I couldn't see the forest through the trees last night. I'm frazzled, I suppose. Too close to my own situation. I get on track, and get right back off.

I do need to remember, there's a good chance Son will not be around long term. I do need to keep things as friendly as possible with Baby's mom.

Ugh...I just see what could happen and it's almost too much to digest. God doesn't give us what we cannot handle though, I guess.

Hang in there!! This is just another storm that you will weather and having a grandchild is like the rainbow that comes after the storm.

Yes, I need to remember this is temporary.

Sometimes I wish I lived 2000 miles away. lol. But, I do live a 4 hour round trip away, so I can at least keep my distance that way.

Now I go off to work for 48 hours straight starting tonight, so I will be occupied for awhile.

Thank you Tanya, for the response. As many of us have, I feel a little out of my mind, almost co-dependent. I should get some Al-Anon books and go to meetings, just been so short on time lately, and I do this on purpose to fill the gaps of lost mind.

 

[Tanya M]

I know it can be hard but just try to stay in the "present moment" It's so easy to project out what we think will happen and all the ways things can go wrong. All we accomplish when we do this is wasted energy.

I thinks it's great that you can offer some assistance for "baby things". I too did this, I bought a nice crib, diapers, formula, clothes, etc... but it was stuff for the baby. As for baby clothes, hit the garage sales, you know how fast baby grow out of things and you can save a ton of money buying used.

Does the baby's mom have a good relationship with her own parents?

I think attending some al-anon meetings is a great idea.

Take it slow and remember to breathe.

 

[Sister's Keeper]

May I 1st say, please, if you are having chest pain, please, please go to the ER and have it checked out. Too many women ignore symptoms until it's too late.

I think you have to detach yourself from this situation somewhat, too. I think, maybe you need to be straight forward with the girlfriend and explain that she and your son are adults and responsible for themselves and anyone else they choose to bring into this world. That anything you choose to provide is a gift and not your responsibility.

 

[Childofmine]

Hi DM, I'm so sorry for your current stress about the baby and your son and the baby's mother.

So, I am getting ahead of it all with a lot of anxiety.

Yes, I know it is really hard, but try hard not to "awfulize" which is what Al-Anoners call it. We play the most awful movie in our heads and it is so hard to stop. In truth, we have no way of knowing the twists and turns the future holds. There is just as much potential for something good to happen, even with the history you have experience, as there is for something bad to happen. In fact, you'll hear many say that with the 20-something young men, especially, these types of life changes, having a baby and others, are a strong catalyst for change. The point is...we don't know.

He may end up not even in the picture, other than short visits, while he possibly does 18 months in prison boot camp. Probably wouldn't be the worst thing that can happen.

It sounds like some positive steps are happening for him. Every one of these experiences in jail and outside of jail is another chance...another pivot point...for him to change. It's up to him of course, and who knows, but it can happen.

I think you have to detach yourself from this situation somewhat, too. I think, maybe you need to be straight forward with the girlfriend and explain that she and your son are adults and responsible for themselves and anyone else they choose to bring into this world. That anything you choose to provide is a gift and not your responsibility.

These are good strong words. We have to learn how to detach with love. Al-Anon is a great place to hear about this idea and to start to put "meat on the bones" of something that seems hard to fathom at first. We love them so much and we can't do one single thing to influence what they will do next. We must, for the sake first of ourselves...but secondly for them...detach. If we don't, we are standing in the way of them finding their own path, which for sure won't be anything we could have dreamed up.

I should get some Al-Anon books and go to meetings, just been so short on time lately, and I do this on purpose to fill the gaps of lost mind.

Making support tools like Al-Anon top of the list is what we have to do, in order to change our thinking...and then our behavior.

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

We have to change.

And in order to change, we have to learn how to do things differently.

I hope you will reprioritize and start assembling a toolbox of tools that work for you. This is the pathway to peace. It truly is.

 

[PennyFromTheBlock]

Been there, going through it. Baby is 7 months old. I tried so so hard to maintain a relationship with the baby's mom- but given HER issues - if she can't be with my son, then to he11 will all of us too.

/sigh.

There's so much going on right now I don't even have it in me to type it.

Do what you are comfortable doing. Maintain that contact. I used very encouraging words with the mom- as in "if you'd like me to keep him a while, I'd be happy to, I know it's so hard to take care of a newborn- you just get exhausted"- these types love it when you make it about THEM. I just wanted my grandson to have pockets of PEACE - which he has with me.

You can private message me if you like- I've been right where you are not that long ago.

Oh! forgot something else- PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! I wasn't- I was trying to take care of everyone else- and just in the last month went to the Dr- me, who never really had any medical issues now has high blood pressure (with medications), high cholesterol (with medications), borderline diabetic (with medications)......I need to be healthy because I do not know what the future holds- and neither do you.

Start thinking now about what your plan is if down the line CPS is ever involved and they come to you. I thought about that long before baby was born and know my own steps and what the process is if it happens. I've even made a report to CPS (nothing came of it, and I'm ok with that right now- there's a record in the system)......

 

[pigless in VA]

DM,

I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm with Sister's Keeper. I think you need to see a doctor and be checked out. Sending you some calming waves from Virginia where spring has sprung. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[Sister's Keeper]

I'm sorry I think I sounded overly harsh.

The thing that struck me, though, is the girlfriend's sense of entitlement, like you owed her, or that her baby is, somehow, your responsibility.

I think it is very nervy for her to place demands on you about what you should provide for her child. She and our son chose to make a baby, have a baby, and raise a baby. I think the responsibility is on them.

I feel bad that she is causing you such stress. I know where children are involved it is very easy to say, in the abstract, what you should/could/would do. I know, personally, when you are dealing with real children, though, that goes out the window.

All things considered, though, I believe I would tell her that I want to be involved in the baby's life as a grandparent, but you aren't able and aren't obligated to financially support this baby.

I also wanted to give you warning that she may want to stockpile things like diapers and formula to sell them.

 

[detachingmother]

I'm sorry I think I sounded overly harsh.

LOL. NO you did not sound overly harsh. I am actually a very "tough" person. That was mild. I liked your added bit about telling her it's a gift, and what I choose is a gift. I will use that one. I've already used the rest.

I also agree about her getting things and selling it so that was a good reminder. My guard does slip, even so..... YEP, this girl would do exactly that...she's been demanding that I give her more to call him, well, actually, it's more of a master manipulation type demand with the phone call money. BUT, then I found out Son's dad has been giving her money, and so has her own parents. So...she's getting her phone calls in. Yep, she will manipulate everyone and anyone, including other men, as I am learning. She also play other men, the poor me game, I've been abandoned, etc. I know she does this too. Plays on the heartstrings of anyone who will listen. I see her doing this on facebook, as well. She's been even talking to Son's best friend...I am watching her closely and it's not pretty. OMG. Hard to continue the "nice" with her.

She's also been trying to gain access to Son's expensive items that I have safely guarded, that we had to move from his house when he went to jail. Oh heck no, she's not getting near that stuff, even though Son said give it to her. Yep, crazy Son told me to give it to her. NO, I will not and I did not. She stopped asking me for those things...Huge smart TV, games, electronics, washer/dryer, etc...It's not like she is getting her own place, and it's simply not hers. So NO. lol. She will stop at nothing though really.

Yes, I know it is really hard, but try hard not to "awfulize" which is what Al-Anoners call it.

Yep, I do this. And given my degree in clinical Psychology (just a BS, but an honors BS), I have it in my head that behavior is predictable. Very much so...so yes I do awfulize, non stop. Too close to my own situation again. Hate that I feel like I know what I know...ya know? LOL maybe I am just crazy too. hahhaha. Feels like it at times.

Oh! forgot something else- PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! I wasn't- I was trying to take care of everyone else- and just in the last month went to the Dr- me, who never really had any medical issues now has high blood pressure (with medications), high cholesterol (with medications), borderline diabetic (with medications)......I need to be healthy because I do not know what the future holds- and neither do you.

Yup, I know. I am thinking my situation in anxiety. Thank God no high blood pressure yet, had it checked a few days ago.

Had to go have two physicals, because one isn't good enough to use at two different new jobs. lol All seems ok, except my pulse/heart rate. But I am using an educated guess that it's anxiety. I couldn't really say, "hey could you check out my chest pains", when I need to work, not just to occupy my mind, but I need the money this year. I think I'll be ok. Thanks though for the reminders! I am keeping an eye on the heart rate. I will go to ER if it gets ridiculous. It's hovering around 111 lately.

SK, I do tell girlfriend every day that she tries this stuff, things like, "you knew this would happen, you knew you weren't working, in a position to provide, you knew Son has problems, but you chose to get pregnant, now YOU and HE deal with the outcome..." I tell her it's temporary, that she and he will figure it out. yadayada. She was trying to get pregnant. She saw Son as a "meal" ticket. No doubt. Too bad for her. I am "tough" with her, bc I am still ANGRY, resentful. Very resentful. lol. I try to use "nice" positive words, but it's getting harder.

At some point soon, I will go see my therapist for the resentment feelings, to help me with how I feel, as I am a little worried I will not get over it. Just have to get through a few other big payment issues first. My youngest is graduating this year, and I am trying to make sure he is not feeling "put aside" again bc of big brother's issues. This is also a point of contention in my family, even though I have tried to keep all three kids happy, and feeling loved equally....no matter what, they feel the pain of what Son's doing with his life.

The resentment feeling actually feel like almost just short of "hate", inside I feel like punching someone in the face, I use Hillary as my visual---just thoughts, I would never intentionally hit anyone. lol sorry...... So I do know I need to address this sooner, rather than later. Also probably a cause of the anxiety....chest pains...UGH.

 

[InsaneCdn]

The resentment feeling actually feel like almost just short of "hate", inside I feel like punching someone in the face

Resentment is just a polite term for a lower-grade of anger. Label it what it really is, and it's easier to deal with. We don't hear "resentment can kill you" - but we do hear "anger can kill you".
Anger plus anxiety is definitely going to do a number on your cardiovascular system

 

[detachingmother]

Thank you ladies! For all the feedback!!

 

[detachingmother]

Anger plus anxiety is definitely going to do a number on your cardiovascular system

Oh heck yah. I do have a few things I do for stress relief. I feel better today. For me, just letting it all go and going to work helps. But, there is a place I go regularly, just to decompress---the casino with hubs to just play pennies, and not spend alot. I also listen to rain sounds, ocean sounds, etc on with earbuds. My sweet hubby had me go pick out a new bathtub a few years ago. I chose the 7 foot black tub with jets...ahhhh, that helps with Dr. Teals lavender epsom salts. I use the tub a lot!! I just got out a few minutes ago...lol. All of these things help. I am not one to go to docs and take medications. But, if I get to that point, I will definitely go to ER. I almost did the other night, at hubby's urging, but it passed.

Soon, I will go to my therapists. The lady I've used for even smaller things, like talking to my younger teen son, etc. She helps, but she's also expensive. So....within the next few weeks if I can't get it into check, I'll go see her. Pretty sure I will need to... The anger will eat a person alive. I know...maybe even just to forgive, and move on...it's not like they did this to me personally. They truly did this for their own faux benefit. I don't know....

Thanks again, ladies. It is nice to have a place to go read, find info on what others have done, vent, etc...

 

[PennyFromTheBlock]

SK, I do tell girlfriend every day that she tries this stuff, things like, "you knew this would happen, you knew you weren't working, in a position to provide, you knew Son has problems, but you chose to get pregnant, now YOU and HE deal with the outcome..." I tell her it's temporary, that she and he will figure it out. yadayada. She was trying to get pregnant. She saw Son as a "meal" ticket. No doubt. Too bad for her. I am "tough" with her, bc I am still ANGRY, resentful. Very resentful. lol. I try to use "nice" positive words, but it's getting harder.

Do we have sons having babies with sisters/twins?

I told her on many many occasions- when you met my son, where was he working? nowhere. Where was he living? in your empty house - and yet you two geniuses thought it would be smart to HAVE A BABY?

Not that I ever was making excuses for my son- but come on. I believe that she got pregnant on purpose as well. She was also very abusive to him, has a very skewed vision of 'relationships' - I'm just thankful my son never hit her back.

 

[detachingmother]

Do we have sons having babies with sisters/twins?

LOL! That's what I was wondering. That's why I was hoping you would come back around. I like more how you are handling the baby situation, than how I am handling it this far...I've already learned some things from you. You are way ahead of me on the baby stuff...lol. I love the way you are handling it all...not sure I have it in me to do as well as you, but hoping so...if that makes sense.

My Son, not to make light of him being more productive or anything, bc even though he was working, he was still doing drugs and other ignorant things--heading down the wrong path...to jail eventually. He was employing other people and building his own business up very fast, and very productive. girlfriend truly did/does see him as a money man. When she hit him in the mall, it was because she was mad that he wasn't buying her what else she happened to want that day (the day was shopping for her on Son's dime, before he even knew she was pregnant, but DID know she had just "cheated" with another man). He got mad, ripped off an expensive necklace he bought her, off her neck, told her he wasn't just her "meal" ticket...that's when she started punching him, security called cops, not sure if they saw him take the necklace of her neck, but they said she was aggressor. Yep, he is at fault too, for even choosing to be with her...I hate to say it, but he's "whipped" by her...she must have a golden...you know what...I wrote him recently and told him what I thought about her...told him do not even come to me, when she doesn't change and he ends up back where he started.

Can't wait to see how she reacts when he gets back out and he has to fork over his money to fines, tickets, re-building his biz, probation and/or parole, now has to go out and find another home, with his "bad" felony record...yah, she's blind to it all...She's already said, she only will live with him if he can provide a NICE home in a NICE neighborhood, which he could afford, in a few months after release, but very hard to find, given his record. She will never be happy and this will be Son's undoing, because I don't think he will ever quit trying to please her....

 

[detachingmother]

thought it would be smart to HAVE A BABY?

I throw this one out weekly to girlfriend.

Pure genius!

I can't help it, I do make excuses for Son too.

 

[PennyFromTheBlock]

I don't know how well I'm doing- but I know I'm trying. I've cried and spun myself up more times than I can count because my grandson is my heart.

Thankfully, my son is pretty set in never being with her again- but I have to tell you- just yesterday when I spoke with him as he cried and cried because he hates hates hates not seeing his baby everyday- this is the only thing that would ever drive him back over there. But again, he's fairly adamant about never ever living like that ever again.

I'll do anything within reason for my grandson. One thing I will not do- and haven't done so far- is go into debt behind this mess. I'm not going to go borrow the $3000 it will take my son to get a private atty- I lead him in directions to get help in other ways.

Unfortunately, until she messes up there may be very little we can do. I can say that I do worry a LOT about the safety and well being of this baby. His mother is likely on the hunt for another boyfriend right now- because she has no idea how to woman up and get stable within herself first. My son's fear is that she'll get a crazy like her and somehow the baby will end up hurt. (this is the over analyzing and whipping ones self into a frenzy)- my son has already said (and I believe him) that if something were to happen to his son he WILL end up on death row. He wasn't joking.

The hardest part of it all is the innocence of the baby. They didn't ask to be born, and certainly not to two parents like THIS.

 

[detachingmother]

I hear you P, the worry of what could happen to the baby is the worst feeling.

Thankfully, I do have money coming in, it was quite awhile ago the my savings was depleted, the savings I had for travelling when my kids got older and out of the nest. I consider myself fortunate in always being able to get back ahead. I quit giving what I couldn't afford awhile ago (incidentally right when Son figured out how to earn his own living...would have been much sooner if I had not given to him). Wish I would have been "smart" enough to do that in the first place...lol, I learn the hard way, but not this time...that's why I am here, I cannot make stupid mistakes going forward with this baby business. I have to stay cutting them off financially, other than gifts I choose to give...which will mostly be my love to the new baby. Glad I read story....it gave me more strength. As hard as it has been for you...seems worth it. I feel like it's worth it too now.

 

[detachingmother]

Ps, I could have gotten Son out of jail a few months ago with $750. But made him stay. He could be out now until sentencing...March 24th, and since about Jan 17th. He could have probably gotten himself out, well he could have, for sure. Someone would have had to take him the money though.... No one would, so I think he knew better to push on that one...My mother almost did, but I stopped her. A part of me was worried if he was out, he might get in more trouble if he was out with her spoiled demands...!!! I also know he needs to stay where is he, simply bc of the drug/mental health treatment he will be ordered to.

I am actually hoping he has to go to prison boot camp for 18 months...although I completely torn about thinking this... when this part is over...then girlfriend will undoubtedly go latch onto her next meal ticket long before Son could get out. It would be enough time for Son to grieve it and get stronger. She's only waiting now, bc she's pregnant and feels she has to give birth before getting another man...and, bc he is supposed to not be gone long, only until about July or so. I honestly don't want him away though that long, because he needs to see his daughter. I know he will be good with her.

Yep, to see our boys cry is hard enough, but over what a woman is "doing to hurt them" is another problem in itself. I almost cried myself reading that about your son. They do have feelings too!!! My son has cried and cried over some of the things girlfriend has done, before becoming pregnant. I think this will be too much for him to handle...worried sick.

I am happy to hear your son is learning the definition on insanity...doing the same things over and over again. I mean that he is NOT with the mother of baby on that level... Hope my son learns soon.

Thank you for taking time out of your busy day to talk to me...I will eventually be asking you more questions...I'll Pm you too...I know we are busy people though, so if you are too busy please don't go out of your way, just whenever you can...

I'm off to work here in a few myself...

Enjoy your day!!!!

 

[detachingmother]

Finally, a good day. Put a few bucks on son's account after taking another "break".

No arguing, no demands...a little respect goes a long way, he is learning albeit he's a slow learner.

He said the books I sent him a month ago were good (Man's Search for Meaning Viktor Frankl-and The Five People You Meet in Heaven, I think was the second one, just know it was Mitch Albom). Now he's reading one he said was called, "The Five Languages of love." Said he's trying to learn how to be more caring and loving toward girlfriend. Not sure...seems he still doesn't understand when it comes to his girlfriend, he isn't the only problem. It might help. It shows me he is still caring about the future and making it better, but also shows me he's feeling like all of this is because something to do with him not being good enough for girlfriend--Like he thinks if only he was better to girlfriend, things would get better---something like that...having hard time wording it. He's taking some initiative himself. So hard to tell though when we are being manipulated, but for now I will take it at face value.

Any day where I can talk in a nice way with Son is a better day.