response to adult child stealing (from old thread)

[autumnd]

For the past 4 years, we have been dealing with an adult child who has stolen jewelry and hocked it, removed my wife's debit card from her pocketbook and removed hundreds of dollars from our checking account, and then took her credit card number and charged up a storm. We kicked her out of the house and changed the locks. She was in college, dropped out without telling us and moved in her friend. In the process, she stole jewelry from her friend's mother, was arrested and stayed in a cell for one night. She got slapped on the wrist with probation and paid retribution. She was admitted into a Rehab facility for both drinking and emotional issues, was diagnosed Bi-Polar and placed on medication and monthly counseling after her inpatient followed by outpatient care. She came home with understanding if she ever did anything to us again, she was out for good.

She was on the road to recovery, or so we thought, until March of this year when she was fired from her job for stealing almost $5,000.00. She is in court today for her 2nd slap on the wrist - more probation, more retribution and a big fine.

As if that wasn't enough, yesterday I realized my credit card bill was 3-4 days late and called the toll free customer service line to discover that over $2,200.00 was charged to my account. It turns out when I reported on September 1st that I never received my new card (old one expired August 31st, 2010), that it was actually delivered and intercepted my our daughter. They sent me a new one overnight but she went to town in all her usual haunts in an 8 day spending spree.
I had the credit card company close the account and send me an appeal form that will have to filled out and sent back. In addition I have to file a complaint with the local police department.

It's fairly safe to say that this will never end and that she's not be treated for the correct problems. I believe she is a sociopath with a criminal mind. I believe she gets a rush from stealing. I do NOT believe she's bi-polar.

She went from saying she was sorry to screaming profanities at me. I wanted to kick her out of the house immediately, but I rethought my position because today she's sentenced for the 2nd time and when I file my complaint with the police, she will be facing a VOP - violation of probation. The judge told her that one more offense and she goes to jail.

We have been enabling her, as has the rest of the family. My father, who has onset Alzheimer's gives her money, including this morning when she showed up at his door. I've told him over and over to stop giving her money and today he finally got the message.

To me, our only choice is to have her removed from the house, arrested and cut ties.

It is affecting our entire family and we can not live like this anymore.

Any advise or suggestions?

Thanks!

 

[autumnd]

I made that comment when we THOUGHT she was properly diagnosed and on the proper medication, but we both believe now that she was misdiagnosed, whether it's borderline or antisocial personality disorder, it's NOT BiPolar (BiPolar (BP)) Disorder.

I am going to the police department tomorrow. I have to file a complaint anyway or the charges will not be removed from my credit card.

I told my wife, this morning, I will NOT live my life as her hostage anymore. This was the final straw. When I discussed it with her last night, after she came home from court for her sentencing from her March embezzling, she basically called me a Piece of S... and that was when I realized that this 2nd slap on the wrist did nothing. She is a person that will have to bottom out or become so disgusted with her life that she WANTS to get help. I can not support her lifestyle anymore.

Thanks so much!

Wow we are dealing with a similar situation with our daughter only she was an addict for over 10 years and was also arrested for stealing from her job but got off...she actually has gotten away with a lot but after being sober for over a year she did spend 10 days in jail because of her past as a addict...She finally had a job and we thought all was well until I noticed money be taken from our checking account since November and going into a Capital one Account..I did contact the bank and was going in to do the dispute etc but she admitted it was her account and begged not to press charges..etc etc Her boyfriend is paying it back today all $900 of it and swears it is not drugs again and is on call for a Dual diagnosis center to get help since she is stealing but is clean .......I do not know what to believe...I am drained and am cannot do this anymore..My husband said not to go forward with the bank so I listened but my question is....if it is not drugs this time....can A mental disorder make her continue to steal? when not using...its all the same pattern........My daughter moved out at 18...and is 27 and I seriously do not want to see her face....her dad is so ill with End stage kidney failure since last December and she swears she wants to get better for him........I am at a loss and give you a lot of credit for not bailing her out....We did many times but the last time she did do 10 days in jail and that is what woke her up...

 

[autumnd]

yes, but if u take all those steps, and they stop the credit card charges, do they go after our child and arrest them>

they will ask if you want to prosecute..and once you say yes....you cannot change your mind...that is the decision I had to make and my husband said not to..the money is being deposited back today and she is on call for a place but I am done with her...

 

[autumnd]

I have so many fears based on this. Fear of suicide, fear of driving and smashing the car on purpose, fear of overdosing. But I keep asking myself when am I going to put a stop to her lies and stealing? Almost all the jewelry I have accumulated in the 30 plus years I have been married, has been stolen and sold for pennies. A coin collection that I have bought back twice, is now gone forever. Money, oh, I am so afraid she is going to put us in financial ruin because we are not going to be able to meet our obligations because she overdraws our account. I think she has none of our checks and then a $500 check clears, or a $900, or a $300. And the credit cards, forget those! I have gotten so many new ones, American Express told me I ran out of the sequence for me and they had to start a new sequence......fraud, lies, thief. And I keep asking myself why? My other children chide me and tell me how wrong I am and why don't I do something to stop her. She was a drug addict. We sent her to rehab. Told out our retirement and saving and stocks. I think she is better, or just really good at hiding it. She is 25 and is going no where fast. I am so sad and scared, and lost and not knowing what to do with her! I want to kick her out, I want to file police (felony!) charges on her, I want her to stop and I want off this merry go round but I love her, she is my child, and I want her to straighten up and get it too! She wasn't raised like the life choices she is making. I need a good evaluation for her , but she is not willing to take the steps. I am lost as a result of all this, the whole family is suffering and my relationship with my husband is suffering. Neither of us know what to do.

I am sorry for your pain but the one thing that did save my daughter's life was going to jail........especially if they have a drug addiction...my husband told me the last time she was arrested if I got a lawyer and bailed her out..he would leave....so I listened...she has been clean close to two years now....but recently has stolen again but swears it is not drugs and is waiting for a place to take her in to see why is she stealing when not working....so my advice to you is to really toughen up and let her suffer the consequences....It is so so very hard but you are saving your child's life....

 

[Wiped Out]

autumnd-this is a very old thread so I am going to start a new one for you and move this to the PE forum which is for adult children and more people will be able to respond.

 

[New Leaf]

Welcome to the forum Autumn, I have to tell you that fall is my favorite time of year.... I am so sorry for your troubles and your need to be here. It hurts when our d cs make terrible choices like this.

.....I do not know what to believe...I am drained and am cannot do this anymore..My husband said not to go forward with the bank so I listened but my question is....if it is not drugs this time....can A mental disorder make her continue to steal? when not using...its all the same pattern........My daughter moved out at 18...and is 27 and I seriously do not want to see her face....her dad is so ill with End stage kidney failure since last December and she swears she wants to get better for him........I am at a loss and give you a lot of credit for not bailing her out....We did many times but the last time she did do 10 days in jail and that is what woke her up...

My #3 is 27 as well, but I think she is more around 13, in her thinking.I know there is such a thing as a dry drunk, probably the same for addicts, maybe clean, but the habits and tendencies are still there.

My eldest, would steal from us, but has not (crossing fingers) gone this far, but given the opportunity, probably would. I have heard she is involved with credit card theft, she is out of the house and will stay out.

My hubs is also ill, with chronic kidney disease (stage 3), diabetes and heart condition. He was hospitalized two years in a row, with a life threatening heart infection.

This did not stop either of our two d cs, from their destructive paths.
They will both deny hard drug use, until they are blue in the face.

The last I saw of my Rain, she is homeless, and appears every so often, I told her how hard this is on her ill father, she looked at me and said with malice and venom...... "Well, how do you think it is for ME?"
UGH.......

I think the hardest thing for hubs, is knowing his time on earth is shortened by his illnesses, and wanting desperately for his children to have better lives. He grew up in a very dysfunctional family, and worked hard his whole life to provide more for his kids.

The thing of it is, be it drugs, mental illness, our d cs are adults, and we have no control over their choices.

I hope you are able to sort through all of this. The end all for us, was that we have our 14 year old son, who deserves a peaceful home. This helped my hubs to redirect his focus, to our son. Our two, left the house in a dramatic exit four months ago, and I am working hard at emotionally detaching now. Sifting through the intense feelings. It gets better, day by day.

You and your hubs have much to live for. Life is so short, and so precious......

It is up to your daughter to follow through with her words, with actions.

This is all so hard.
Take good care dear. You are not alone.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[autumnd]

Thank you so much for your kind and understanding words..I also have a son at home..he is 23 and hates his sister because of all she has put us through ..he is the complete opposite of her and is so helpful and so caring..he has always been a quiet child and we would never worry about him because of our daughter and her drama ..he has social anxieties and I believe because of growing up with her drama in the household...She left at 18 and is 27 but has the mentality of a 18 year old or less at times and I know because of the years of drugs...I am sorry about your husband..my husbands had chronic kidney failure since 2000 and his kidneys failed last December..he does dialysis at home every night and went back to work full time in March..every day is a struggle for him and she knows this which I do not understand why she would do this again...and then swears shes not doing pills....in both rehab facilities she was in they did say she had dual mental disorders and needed to follow through with therapy but never did...maybe now she really will...I don't know anymore...Right now I must worry about my husband..he has latent TB so he must be treated for that before they can do a transplant which we were so hopeful..and is getting a biopsy next week for possible Prostate cancer......she knows this and loves her dad so much so I truly cannot believe she has done this again after almost a year and a half of some kind of peace.........I just cannot do this with her anymore..I do not have it in me..I wanted to let the bank press charges but my husband said no.....Her fiance is giving her the money today to put back in our account and I just feel that again someone is bailing her out at this point...it is so hard to believe her anymore...

 

[autumnd]

autumnd-this is a very old thread so I am going to start a new one for you and move this to the PE forum which is for adult children and more people will be able to respond.

Thank you I had a hard time figuring out how to post and where...I appreciate it..and this is a wonderful support group..it really helped me pull it together today.

 

[autumnd]

Welcome to the forum Autumn, I have to tell you that fall is my favorite time of year.... I am so sorry for your troubles and your need to be here. It hurts when our d cs make terrible choices like this.
My #3 is 27 as well, but I think she is more around 13, in her thinking.I know there is such a thing as a dry drunk, probably the same for addicts, maybe clean, but the habits and tendencies are still there.

My eldest, would steal from us, but has not (crossing fingers) gone this far, but given the opportunity, probably would. I have heard she is involved with credit card theft, she is out of the house and will stay out.

My hubs is also ill, with chronic kidney disease (stage 3), diabetes and heart condition. He was hospitalized two years in a row, with a life threatening heart infection.

This did not stop either of our two d cs, from their destructive paths.
They will both deny hard drug use, until they are blue in the face.

The last I saw of my Rain, she is homeless, and appears every so often, I told her how hard this is on her ill father, she looked at me and said with malice and venom...... "Well, how do you think it is for ME?"
UGH.......

I think the hardest thing for hubs, is knowing his time on earth is shortened by his illnesses, and wanting desperately for his children to have better lives. He grew up in a very dysfunctional family, and worked hard his whole life to provide more for his kids.

The thing of it is, be it drugs, mental illness, our d cs are adults, and we have no control over their choices.

I hope you are able to sort through all of this. The end all for us, was that we have our 14 year old son, who deserves a peaceful home. This helped my hubs to redirect his focus, to our son. Our two, left the house in a dramatic exit four months ago, and I am working hard at emotionally detaching now. Sifting through the intense feelings. It gets better, day by day.

You and your hubs have much to live for. Life is so short, and so precious......

It is up to your daughter to follow through with her words, with actions.

This is all so hard.
Take good care dear. You are not alone.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

Autumn is my daughter's middle name )

 

[New Leaf]

I also have a son at home..he is 23 and hates his sister because of all she has put us through ..he is the complete opposite of her and is so helpful and so caring..he has always been a quiet child and we would never worry about him because of our daughter and her drama ..he has social anxieties and I believe because of growing up with her drama in the household.

I hear you, my well adjusted children are tired of all the craziness and have just had enough......I am sorry for the affect on your boy, hopefully he can get help and live a peaceful life.

Right now I must worry about my husband..he has latent TB so he must be treated for that before they can do a transplant which we were so hopeful..and is getting a biopsy next week for possible Prostate cancer......

Oh my poor dear, you both have entirely too much on your plate, heavens. I am so very sorry for the stress of it all.
Then, having to deal with daughters' shenanigans.

she knows this and loves her dad so much so I truly cannot believe she has done this again after almost a year and a half of some kind of peace.........I just cannot do this with her anymore..I do not have it in me.

I do not think that in the throes of addiction, our d cs have one iota of thought for others. It is the hallmark of the disease, a very selfish craving, indeed. My hubs is heartbroken, Rain was always his favorite. She has been slip sliding since 16 or so, 20 long years of see-sawing up and down.
I do think it has affected hubs health conditions. You know men, just don't really talk and get it out.....So, of course, I am the "bad" guy in all of this.
Like you, I think consequences are important lessons. We won't always be here to bail them out.

I wanted to let the bank press charges but my husband said no.....Her fiance is giving her the money today to put back in our account and I just feel that again someone is bailing her out at this point...it is so hard to believe her anymore...

I know the feeling Autumn. I hope you are able to get some rest and have time for you. It is all too much.
Please take care, get enough sleep, and try not to overthink all of this. It really is beyond comprehension, isn't it? Just mind boggling.....

take deep, deep breaths, you are not alone.....

Take care and God bless,
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[JMom]

Autumn, I hope you have found some peace this morning. You certainly have a lot on your plate. I'm praying for you and your husband's illness and the rest of your family. We never know where things will end up, but I'm glad you are here and cam share your story.

Situations like your hubs health put things in perspective for me. It's really hard to accept Difficult Child's actions. One would think illness would wake them up.

It's going to be really hard to accept that. I can't imagine your pain. I can sense your strength through all of this. You are not taking it lying down and I'm so very proud of you.

Hang in there, the world and your family home is a better place because you're in it. Hugs JM

 

[Childofmine]

Good morning and welcome Autumn, I hope things are better today and your funds have been restored to your bank account. What we live through with our DCs is so very difficult, and there is no right or wrong, only what you can live with. You sound like you are really tired and need some space and time so I hope you can carve that out for yourself and get extra rest for a few days.

We can't fix other people and we can't save them from their own choices or decisions. Adults---in order to learn how to navigate adulthood---must face the consequences of their own choices and decisions.

The more we can step back and allow that, the better off everyone will be.

Glad you are here!

 

[autumnd]

Good morning and welcome Autumn, I hope things are better today and your funds have been restored to your bank account. What we live through with our DCs is so very difficult, and there is no right or wrong, only what you can live with. You sound like you are really tired and need some space and time so I hope you can carve that out for yourself and get extra rest for a few days.

We can't fix other people and we can't save them from their own choices or decisions. Adults---in order to learn how to navigate adulthood---must face the consequences of their own choices and decisions.

The more we can step back and allow that, the better off everyone will be.

Glad you are here!

Thank you and the funds were put back in the next day..I have not seen or spoke to my daughter..only by text...she still
insists she is not doing drugs anymore...which in a way makes me feel so confused...as to why would she do this again after what she has put us through in the past when she was a addict and stealing from us....I am putting space in between us. She needs to know that I meant it when I said I am done...she is 27 and it is her choice to fix herself and
continue the right path she has been on.....I am so very happy I have this site to turn to to keep me grounded...Happy New Year )

 

[autumnd]

Autumn, I hope you have found some peace this morning. You certainly have a lot on your plate. I'm praying for you and your husband's illness and the rest of your family. We never know where things will end up, but I'm glad you are here and cam share your story.

Situations like your hubs health put things in perspective for me. It's really hard to accept Difficult Child's actions. One would think illness would wake them up.

It's going to be really hard to accept that. I can't imagine your pain. I can sense your strength through all of this. You are not taking it lying down and I'm so very proud of you.

Hang in there, the world and your family home is a better place because you're in it. Hugs JM

I hear you, my well adjusted children are tired of all the craziness and have just had enough......I am sorry for the affect on your boy, hopefully he can get help and live a peaceful life.
Oh my poor dear, you both have entirely too much on your plate, heavens. I am so very sorry for the stress of it all.
Then, having to deal with daughters' shenanigans.
I do not think that in the throes of addiction, our d cs have one iota of thought for others. It is the hallmark of the disease, a very selfish craving, indeed. My hubs is heartbroken, Rain was always his favorite. She has been slip sliding since 16 or so, 20 long years of see-sawing up and down.
I do think it has affected hubs health conditions. You know men, just don't really talk and get it out.....So, of course, I am the "bad" guy in all of this.
Like you, I think consequences are important lessons. We won't always be here to bail them out.

I know the feeling Autumn. I hope you are able to get some rest and have time for you. It is all too much.
Please take care, get enough sleep, and try not to overthink all of this. It really is beyond comprehension, isn't it? Just mind boggling.....

take deep, deep breaths, you are not alone.....

Take care and God bless,
(((HUGS)))
leafy

Thank you Leafy..we do have much in common and I do believe the dads keep far too much inside which is so bad for their health...I am the care taker here like yourself with my husband's illness..trying to keep the finances together..working and dealing with my daughter and her life....My son did get help and is doing amazing with his social issues....thank God ....I am doing better but miss my girl and want so bad to see her but I must be strong and let her realize it is not acceptable......You hang in there as well...hugs )

 

[Nomad]

We had a relative steal in the family.
He was given a warning. But when it was done again, he was immediately sent to a boarding school for over a year.
Interestingly, he was simply told that 99.9 %'of thieves are caught. This never occurred to him. This alone gave him pause.
I agree that one chance might be given, and then swift action must be taken and that probably should be calling the police. And once you threaten an action, unless there is some true very very unusual circumstance it MUST be followed through.
By the way, this young man is doing very well today.

 

[New Leaf]

I am putting space in between us. She needs to know that I meant it when I said I am done...she is 27 and it is her choice to fix herself and continue the right path she has been on.....I am so very happy I have this site to turn to to keep me grounded...Happy New Year )

Hey Autumn Happy New Year to you! Me too, happy to be here, CD, definitely is a place to keep my feet on the ground.....

Thank you Leafy..we do have much in common and I do believe the dads keep far too much inside which is so bad for their health...I am the care taker here like yourself with my husband's illness..trying to keep the finances together..working and dealing with my daughter and her life...

You are doing so well Autumn, staying strong. It is a lot for anyone to deal with. I hope you have some " me" time.......

My son did get help and is doing amazing with his social issues....thank God ....I am doing better but miss my girl and want so bad to see her but I must be strong and let her realize it is not acceptable......You hang in there as well...hugs )

Thank goodness your son is doing well, I am glad to read that. My kids that are doing well are my rocks. So much focus has been on my two
d c's, in the meantime my three were in the background. So, switched that around and building relationship with my three. It is nice to spend quality time with them. They are good, loving, kind kids.
Still holding up hope that my two will figure things out sooner or later. Just don't want to be wrapped up in the center of their hoopla.....

I am just fine living a regular old life.....nuff drama please!
Take care, 2016, here we are. Goodness, where did all the years go to? They just keep zooming by......
(((Hugs)))
leafy

 

[BusynMember]

Everyone else said it so well. I just wanted to add ths. Drug users often claim to have quit. Go by her actions. Words are cheap.

Im not saying she is still using, but her actions are consistent with drug use. Be careful with your heart and cautious with your head.


Huggx!!!