Sad but God's plan

[RN0441]

I don't get offended by the religion spoken here or the higher power reference.

And we all know if there is good there is also evil, so that doesn't offend me either.

I do believe that many in recovery have experienced their higher power or their families have to help them cope. I, for one, am grateful to all of you for reinforcing my own faith.

I hope that we can all support each other in whatever we bring to the table here because we all certainly need love and support and non-judgement.

 

[New Leaf]

Been very depressed lately over this and our jobs and marriage. Just not a good time.

Dearest Trying, I am so sorry for your aching heart and how things can just build and weigh us down all at once.
It’s difficult to watch our grown children flounder about, mine at least seem to have no clue how hurtful it is. Or do they? Looking back at when hubs and I were so involved with our twos stories, the horrible sinking feeling of what may be, anticipating the next crisis, and the next, the anxiety and frazzled feeling, that all felt like love. I was wrong. Love doesn’t eat away at your soul the way this does. It doesn’t wreck marriages, or feel so very lopsided and crazy. Love doesn’t expect that you drop everything to continually rescue someone who won’t do it for themselves. Love does not enslave us this way. Burden our nights and days with all consuming thoughts of what could be around the corner.
There is a way to still love your son, but pull way back from the horrifying details of his life. It takes work, opening up to the truth of how his alcoholism has you and your marriage in its grip as well. How that it is unacceptable that it make not only your sons life miserable, but yours too.
I still have to work at staying away from the rabbit hole of being so heavily vested in the outcome of something I have no control over, the lifestyle choices my daughters make. I would be a basket case if I was. My eldest was recently hospitalized for a bad infection in her leg, the same leg from before, and once again she waited until she couldn’t move, so sick with fever to get treatment. She ended up leaving the hospital AMA. Again. All kinds of thoughts ran through my mind, she could die from sepsis like her father, lose her leg. On and on. I just had to stop those racing thoughts, because I can’t make her do anything. There is nothing that will move her. All of my anxiety, fears for her, loss of sleep, loss of time fretting over her, none of that will change her own choices. What it does do, is make me miserable. Unable to function.
I have to disentangle myself from my daughters addiction and lifestyle choices. Addiction, alcoholism has a way to go beyond our loved ones lives and keep us in its grip, if we let it. That is far too heavy a price. How many wasted days, nights, moments I have spent consumed by my daughters addiction. Consumed by thoughts of what may happen. All of that time worrying over an outcome that is completely out of my control. It was hard to differentiate between those feelings and love. How could I be happy, find joy, when my daughters were and are self destructing? In writing here, and reading from others who have walked this difficult path, I learned that my misery over my twos choices did absolutely nothing to change their course. I had to change mine.
I believe now that the greatest way I can show them love, is to love myself, the way I wish they would love themselves and take responsibility for their own lives. Self care, seeking their true potential, following a path of light. That is my mission to model that for my two. How could I hope that for them, but not live it myself?
I don’t think God plans for us to be miserable. I think our kids grow up and choose right or wrong. We gave them the tools and values to be successful, the rest is up to them. I think if the choice is drugs or alcohol, they have a way of placing that all on us, it stops them from looking in the mirror and finding fault where it lies, with them. I slowly pulled up and out of the rabbit hole and took back my life. Did it change them? No, but it changed me. I have my moments, but I realize that wasting my life away in misery does nothing to change them. I grabbed my life back and put theirs where it belongs, with them.
I am not writing of coldly cutting them off, never worrying about them. I am writing about realizing that I can’t change the path they choose. I love them, but give them back to God to look after them. It’s far too much for me. I am 60, I won’t be on this earth forever. They have got to learn that there is so much more to life than being taken over and possessed by drugs. I have to learn that too. It is a constant exercise to keep away from the rabbit hole. I don’t want to be possessed and obsessed with how they are living. Going down that road with them destroys my life. That is unacceptable.
Much love and hugs to you dear.
I think Gods plan is for us to rise above and overcome life’s adversity. When we do that, we are leading the way for our beloveds.
Leafy

 

[louise2350]

New Leaf: I like the part of your share about being "obsessed and possessed" by the actions that you can't control. It took me a long time to learn and practice that. Thanks for your share.

 

[New Leaf]

New Leaf: I like the part of your share about being "obsessed and possessed" by the actions that you can't control. It took me a long time to learn and practice that. Thanks for your share.

Thank you Louise, I was just posting and CD alerted me to your reply. Just when I needed to reread that. It is definitely something I have to continuously work at. I would have nothing left of me if I allowed my twos choices to overtake my life.
God bless
New Leaf

 

[Kathy813]

Years ago we had a poster that said her son had gotten sober because he was of a particular faith and if our addict children would just have stronger faith they could beat their addictions.

That upset a lot of people (including me). Obviously if all it took was faith then there wouldn't be any alcoholic or substance abusing ministers or rabbis. Others got upset because they were the same faith and felt like the poster was saying their children just weren't strong enough believers.

I don't have any problem with someone saying that their faith gave them strength to cope with their child's addiction or that a faith-based program helped their child in recovery.

It's another to say that religion is the answer for sobriety. My daughter is an atheist and is approaching her 4 year anniversary of sobriety.

That's why we tread very carefully about religion on the board. I don't even want to think about what would happen if we started talking about politics. We try to keep CD a safe place to land.

 

[louise2350]

Kathy: Everyone's entitled to their beliefs as far as religion goes. I do, though, think that religion does help tremendously in getting sober and free of addictions . Of course, there's a lot more the person who has these afflictions must do, but it's just nice to know that there is a God up above watching over all of us for those who believe. I'm not trying t sway anyone into believing what they don't want to believe - it's just nice for me to have that peace among all of the turmoil in my life.

 

[Blindsided]

My sons birthday was this past week. I have not seen him for almost a year. He has not been home for almost 2 years. So many feelings going through me. Sadness that my parents haven't seen him and that he hasn't been home to see them. They are aging fast and one never knows how much longer they will be here.
Tonight scrolling through facebook and see pics of moms and their sons- happy and normal... Asked myself why me and then told myself this is Gods plan for my life and for my sons life. I don't understand why some moms don't have to go through this and all is just rosy and merry and then some have to go through living hell. I will never understand why our family is living this nightmare. I just have to trust that good will come out of it in God's time.
He mentioned coming home in a few months and wanted us to split the airline ticket... He would fly first class due to his size... The last time he was home he hated it and it was a horrible 3 days. After 12 hours he wanted to take an early flight and leave. We didnt' know he was back to drinking heavily again after his probation was up. Once we found that out, it all made sense why he was so irritable and had felt sick. He was having withdrawals. It was a terrible visit and to be honest we don't want to have that again. I am leery of saying we will split the airline ticket because of how it was the last time.
Still have not broke the news to him about our dog passing away. Don't feel it is right to do it through a text and well... he only calls when he has an accident due to being intoxicated. Otherwise never answers the phone or returns calls.
Sorry for rambling. Been very depressed lately over this and our jobs and marriage. Just not a good time.

You are not rambling. I think we all know these feeling. What you are experiencing is what I see in myself when I get close to the edge of the black vortex. It's a trigger I am learning to acknowledge so I don't fall in.

How do I do that? I change the behavior that brought me to the edge. I limit my social media now. I changed my daughters profile picture in contacts, having it empty was just as hurtful. I fervently practice letting go. I envision love and light in response to the edge and then I let go and let God.

I am thinking of you and this all too familiar space we share. Deep breaths, meditation, reorganizing cabinets, T'ai Chi, my photography, being with nature, and being grateful for all the things that are going right are my antidotes.

This seems to be a great quote for my day.

“All great changes are preceded by chaos.” Deepak Chopra

Love and light

 

[Blindsided]

Dear Trying,
Your sadness is palpable through your post. I know it is tempting to spiral down into negative thinking when we feel sad. I do this to myself all the time when the actual feelings seem too much to bear. However, feeling them in this moment is something we can all handle . We just can't handle the idea that we will always feel this way. Once the feelings are acknowleged and felt, they wash over us, and they stop . They come in waves but all waves wash over us.

Spiraling into your parents sadness and their ages and health is a negative spiral .

While you miss your son terribly, you also speak of how badly the last visit went. Our brains tell us stories, sometimes. I think I would feel better if I could see my son, and then when I do see him, I realize that I don't even feel well in his presence. It is the idea of him that I miss, the memories of how things used to be, the dreams I had created for him and for myself through him that did not come to fruition that I miss .It's very deep grief. It is mourning the idea, the vision of someone we have loved for so long, in order to accept and reconcile the truth about them today.

I like to take things one day at a time. Because I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

I would not pay for any part of the plane ticket. I would fly out to see my son in his area before I did that. And I would also learn from the last visit what I need for myself. Maybe suggesting he live in a hotel while visiting so everyone has space to retreat to.

When you take the focus on him and put it on you, you can work on your own life - putting work into your marriage and job situation. Tending to yourself - physically, emotionally and spiritually. Attending Al-Anon meetings. Growing as a person . All of these things also help your son because you become a power of example . I would pray for my son to find recovery and stay out of God's way to get him there.

Much love to you!

I could feel the waves washing over me. It put me in mind of a favorite quote.

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”
French Nobel Laurate André Gide

 

[Blindsided]

My sons birthday was this past week. I have not seen him for almost a year. He has not been home for almost 2 years. So many feelings going through me. Sadness that my parents haven't seen him and that he hasn't been home to see them. They are aging fast and one never knows how much longer they will be here.
Tonight scrolling through facebook and see pics of moms and their sons- happy and normal... Asked myself why me and then told myself this is Gods plan for my life and for my sons life. I don't understand why some moms don't have to go through this and all is just rosy and merry and then some have to go through living hell. I will never understand why our family is living this nightmare. I just have to trust that good will come out of it in God's time.
He mentioned coming home in a few months and wanted us to split the airline ticket... He would fly first class due to his size... The last time he was home he hated it and it was a horrible 3 days. After 12 hours he wanted to take an early flight and leave. We didnt' know he was back to drinking heavily again after his probation was up. Once we found that out, it all made sense why he was so irritable and had felt sick. He was having withdrawals. It was a terrible visit and to be honest we don't want to have that again. I am leery of saying we will split the airline ticket because of how it was the last time.
Still have not broke the news to him about our dog passing away. Don't feel it is right to do it through a text and well... he only calls when he has an accident due to being intoxicated. Otherwise never answers the phone or returns calls.
Sorry for rambling. Been very depressed lately over this and our jobs and marriage. Just not a good time.

You are not rambling. I think we all know these feeling. What you are experiencing is what I see in myself when I get close to the edge of the black vortex. It's a trigger, dont fall in. How do we do that? We change the behavior that brought us to the edge. I limit my social media now. I changed my daughters profile picture in contacts, having it empty was just as hurtful. I fervently practice letting go. I envision love and light in response to the edge and then I let go of it so my higher being can make sure my daughter gets it.

I am thinking of you and this all too familiar space we share. Deep breaths, meditation, reorganizing cabinets, T'ai Chi, my photography, being with nature, and being grateful for all the things that are going right are my antidotes.

This seems to be a great quote for my day.

“All great changes are preceded by chaos.” Deepak Chopra

Lo

I don't get offended by the religion spoken here or the higher power reference.

And we all know if there is good there is also evil, so that doesn't offend me either.

I do believe that many in recovery have experienced their higher power or their families have to help them cope. I, for one, am grateful to all of you for reinforcing my own faith.

I hope that we can all support each other in whatever we bring to the table here because we all certainly need love and support and non-judgement.

I don’t agree with this sentence.

There seems to be quite a bit of religion in this thread and others.

Even the title invokes religion.

I’m not sure that it is fair to single out one post that has a minority viewpoint, yet allow all the others.

I think we can confuse religion with our spiritual being, which is an important element in our being and a common thread in all religions.

If I ever refer to God or my higher power, that is for me to express spiritual awareness, along with being with nature, meditation, etc. I think what put a wrench in this thread was recommending a religious book.

Maybe some clarification is in order, because I too feel we express how our spirituality is affected by our adult, out of control children.

 

[Blindsided]

My sons birthday was this past week. I have not seen him for almost a year. He has not been home for almost 2 years. So many feelings going through me. Sadness that my parents haven't seen him and that he hasn't been home to see them. They are aging fast and one never knows how much longer they will be here.
Tonight scrolling through facebook and see pics of moms and their sons- happy and normal... Asked myself why me and then told myself this is Gods plan for my life and for my sons life. I don't understand why some moms don't have to go through this and all is just rosy and merry and then some have to go through living hell. I will never understand why our family is living this nightmare. I just have to trust that good will come out of it in God's time.
He mentioned coming home in a few months and wanted us to split the airline ticket... He would fly first class due to his size... The last time he was home he hated it and it was a horrible 3 days. After 12 hours he wanted to take an early flight and leave. We didnt' know he was back to drinking heavily again after his probation was up. Once we found that out, it all made sense why he was so irritable and had felt sick. He was having withdrawals. It was a terrible visit and to be honest we don't want to have that again. I am leery of saying we will split the airline ticket because of how it was the last time.
Still have not broke the news to him about our dog passing away. Don't feel it is right to do it through a text and well... he only calls when he has an accident due to being intoxicated. Otherwise never answers the phone or returns calls.
Sorry for rambling. Been very depressed lately over this and our jobs and marriage. Just not a good time.

You are not rambling. I think we all know these feeling. What you are experiencing is what I see in myself when I get close to the edge of the black vortex. It's a trigger, dont fall in. How do we do that? We change the behavior that brought us to the edge. I limit my social media now. I changed my daughters profile picture in contacts, having it empty was just as hurtful. I fervently practice letting go. I envision love and light in response to the edge and then I let go of it so my higher being can make sure my daughter gets it.

I am thinking of you and this all too familiar space we share. Deep breaths, meditation, reorganizing cabinets, T'ai Chi, my photography, being with nature, and being grateful for all the things that are going right are my antidotes.

This seems to be a great quote for my day.

“All great changes are preceded by chaos.” Deepak Chopra

Lo

I don't get offended by the religion spoken here or the higher power reference.

And we all know if there is good there is also evil, so that doesn't offend me either.

I do believe that many in recovery have experienced their higher power or their families have to help them cope. I, for one, am grateful to all of you for reinforcing my own faith.

I hope that we can all support each other in whatever we bring to the table here because we all certainly need love and support and non-judgement.

Dearest Trying, I am so sorry for your aching heart and how things can just build and weigh us down all at once.
It’s difficult to watch our grown children flounder about, mine at least seem to have no clue how hurtful it is. Or do they? Looking back at when hubs and I were so involved with our twos stories, the horrible sinking feeling of what may be, anticipating the next crisis, and the next, the anxiety and frazzled feeling, that all felt like love. I was wrong. Love doesn’t eat away at your soul the way this does. It doesn’t wreck marriages, or feel so very lopsided and crazy. Love doesn’t expect that you drop everything to continually rescue someone who won’t do it for themselves. Love does not enslave us this way. Burden our nights and days with all consuming thoughts of what could be around the corner.
There is a way to still love your son, but pull way back from the horrifying details of his life. It takes work, opening up to the truth of how his alcoholism has you and your marriage in its grip as well. How that it is unacceptable that it make not only your sons life miserable, but yours too.
I still have to work at staying away from the rabbit hole of being so heavily vested in the outcome of something I have no control over, the lifestyle choices my daughters make. I would be a basket case if I was. My eldest was recently hospitalized for a bad infection in her leg, the same leg from before, and once again she waited until she couldn’t move, so sick with fever to get treatment. She ended up leaving the hospital AMA. Again. All kinds of thoughts ran through my mind, she could die from sepsis like her father, lose her leg. On and on. I just had to stop those racing thoughts, because I can’t make her do anything. There is nothing that will move her. All of my anxiety, fears for her, loss of sleep, loss of time fretting over her, none of that will change her own choices. What it does do, is make me miserable. Unable to function.
I have to disentangle myself from my daughters addiction and lifestyle choices. Addiction, alcoholism has a way to go beyond our loved ones lives and keep us in its grip, if we let it. That is far too heavy a price. How many wasted days, nights, moments I have spent consumed by my daughters addiction. Consumed by thoughts of what may happen. All of that time worrying over an outcome that is completely out of my control. It was hard to differentiate between those feelings and love. How could I be happy, find joy, when my daughters were and are self destructing? In writing here, and reading from others who have walked this difficult path, I learned that my misery over my twos choices did absolutely nothing to change their course. I had to change mine.
I believe now that the greatest way I can show them love, is to love myself, the way I wish they would love themselves and take responsibility for their own lives. Self care, seeking their true potential, following a path of light. That is my mission to model that for my two. How could I hope that for them, but not live it myself?
I don’t think God plans for us to be miserable. I think our kids grow up and choose right or wrong. We gave them the tools and values to be successful, the rest is up to them. I think if the choice is drugs or alcohol, they have a way of placing that all on us, it stops them from looking in the mirror and finding fault where it lies, with them. I slowly pulled up and out of the rabbit hole and took back my life. Did it change them? No, but it changed me. I have my moments, but I realize that wasting my life away in misery does nothing to change them. I grabbed my life back and put theirs where it belongs, with them.
I am not writing of coldly cutting them off, never worrying about them. I am writing about realizing that I can’t change the path they choose. I love them, but give them back to God to look after them. It’s far too much for me. I am 60, I won’t be on this earth forever. They have got to learn that there is so much more to life than being taken over and possessed by drugs. I have to learn that too. It is a constant exercise to keep away from the rabbit hole. I don’t want to be possessed and obsessed with how they are living. Going down that road with them destroys my life. That is unacceptable.
Much love and hugs to you dear.
I think Gods plan is for us to rise above and overcome life’s adversity. When we do that, we are leading the way for our beloveds.
Leafy

Your rabbit hole is my black vortex, RN. Your post could easily be mine.

With love and light

 

[Triedntrue]

Many times i have seen phrases following a religious statement like if you believe or whatever your beliefs. I think this is fine. No one has tried as far as i know to force religious views on anyone else. Many of us will send prayers and i have been unaware of anyone taking offense. If someone criticises someones faith or tries to push their faith on someone then something needs to be said. Many suggestions for help come from religiously based programs if i am not mistaken. This is just my opinion also take what you need and leave the rest. If you don't need the religion leave it.

 

[ChickPea]

I don't get offended by posts regarding one's religion or spirituality on here. I agree that it can be so helpful in addiction and recovery process it would be negligent to ignore to reach less people. Heated debates regarding how one chooses to explore or define that doesn't interest me, however.

That said, Facebook and all the social platforms that let someone choose how to depict their life can be so destructive. I've made a point of trying to catch myself when I'm mindlessly scrolling, or if I start to have sullen feelings because of something I'm seeing on Facebook. Either turn it off or shift my thoughts. I know some of the lies portrayed on there (by family or friends), so I know the truth behind the posts. But it can still catch me.