same old story

[Sad in Florida]

Well I am new to this site but old to the same complaints I have read on here. My 44y/o son is a recovered meth user and has been clean for 3 years and living with his enabler girl friend. He has used her up, taken money from her and says he hates her and can't stand the sight of her. However, he lives with her and she supports him. She buys his clothing. pays for his E-cigs., and so on. He says she is a fat, ugly, and has called her that to her face. Granted she has many issues of her own but he was raised with correct manners, taught respect, and churched. His whole personality changed when he got on drugs at age 18 and was in prison for 2 yrs. on drugs and theft charges. He has been enabled by me and his stepdad. He has been given cars, places to live, food, medical care, etc etc. We cut him off 3 yrs ago when we got him into a rehab center. He lasted 2 wks in there and then left. He went to a half way house and seemed much better. He has never worked at anything for more than a year. He moved into a rental apt. with two other people he met in rehab, got a really good job, and lasted 6 months. He got back on drugs and the his old friend(girl) entered the picture and took him under her wing when we refused to help him anymore. He has lived with her until last week when he called her filthy names, punched a hole in the bedroom door, and wouldn't speak to her. She called me and said that was it and it was over. She is moving back with her parents and he has till end of Dec. to get out. He called us and cussed us out and said he had no family when we said we would not set him up anymore. He got his rotten upper teeth pulled 7 months ago and has upper dentures. We paid for it and he wanted implants but doesn't have enough bone to do them. It was from doing all the drugs. Now he says we ruined his life cause his dentures are not natural and he can't eat anymore. He never takes responsibility for anything--always someone else's fault! He says his life is over. I advised him to go to a shelter here for homeless and they help you find a job and get mental help, etc. He said I was calling him a loser now and he cleaned up and won't live with losers anymore. He will lose all his belongings and the 2 dogs he has at the end of the month. I know I will get many calls here soon when it gets closer to the end of December.
Guess I just need emotional support to stay strong and advice on how I am handling this. Is there anything else I should do or say? His girlfriend texts and calls me all the time and says how sad she is and how much she loved him and he will be homeless. She says he needs family and loves us. She just can't do it anymore or she will lose her job cause she is so sad at work.
We are 70 and 82 and raising a 14 year old we adopted when he was 8 wks old. He has spina bifida and is in a wheelchair. We are retired medical people and did medically needy foster care and he was one of our babies. We have 5 adult children, our 14 y/o , 8 grandchildren, and one great grandchild. He is such a good kid and a blessing. I need to be on good shape mentally to keep young enough and emotionally intact for him and my aged husband. Glad I found this forum--venting even helps!!

 

[Kalahou]

Welcome Sad in FL,

Thank you for your post. This forum is a safe place to have landed. You show great strength and understanding of the issues and principles involved in your situation. It a slow process to learn how to detach and set boundaries. You have been at it a long time. I am in my 60s and my husband is in the 70s and my difficult child son is 36. Some others on this site also have older children in the same type of situation as you. I have been on this site for less than 3 months, and only recently in this time realized the detachment from emotional fears to allow me to stop enabling my difficult child. Every day I learn more from some thread or post here, and strengthen my resolve, understanding, and detachment and wisdom. Each day I pick up a new bit of guidance here.

You already show that you understand the need and benefits of detachment from your son to keep your health and peace of mind for yourself and your husband and your home. There is a great article on this forum at this site about detachment that I read and re-read often to reinforce my resolve to stay strong. It is listed at the top of this site. Here's the link.
http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz3tt5smuAa

More folks here will come along soon with wisdom, support, and encouragement. Even though we are all on similar paths at different places, different stages and ages and situations, there are common issues and common principles throughout. It is a hard road. It is such a relief to be able to pour it out (vent) to people that truly understand and who have been there, and are managing to take one day at a time. Visit here often and pour out your heart as you need to. Take time when you can to read other posts and threads on this site. You will quickly see that much is to be learned and gained from reading the other threads, even though they are not addressed specifically to your unique situation. I come here every day to get support, understanding, and wisdom and leave with a little bit / or much more relief, peace, and inner strength.

With your other children, grandchildren, and especially your teen age disabled son and older husband in the home, you cannot allow your difficult adult son back into your home to cause disruption and confusion. It will cause you to feel resentful for enabling him. It will not help him or fix him, and will not change him, and will end up making your own personal situations more painful and difficult. It will enable your son to continue in the same self-destructive path. You already understand that. You sound like most of us here - you're sick and tired of it all now. Your son’s girlfriend sounds done with it also and has decided smart action to take care of herself. It is not easy and it is sad, but the alternative to having your son be the emotional power over your life is not an option at all.

You said you will expect to get more calls toward the end of the month. Decide now and plan to limit your contact with son and with the girlfriend. Such contact is upsetting to you and has no benefit to either you or your son or the girlfriend. For a while anyway, you do not need to answer the phone or answer texts. You can let the calls go to voicemail, and do not call or text back. It is OK. You son is aware of the resources such as shelters, food kitchens etc. mental health facilities, if he decides to need and use them. It must be his own choice. He is very capable. He is an adult man. He knows the ropes. Think carefully about what your needs are for yourself, your husband and teen age boy. Your home needs to be your peaceful sanctuary to be safe from strife and to weather storms.

More will be along. We are glad you found this haven, although I am sorry for your situation that brought you here. Keep posting and visiting here. It helps so much. It's definitely a relief to know you are not alone and that others understand.

Take care. Kalahou

 

[BusynMember]

Short and to the point.

Your son is way middle age and never launched and you and your husband cant live forever. I hope the eight year old has somebpdy to care for him if one day you cant. But he needs you and in my opinion you cant let a 44 year ild make you stressed and maybe sick when you have a young one to care for.

You are nit obliged to house your middle age son. He is ild enough to work. If he is homeless pne dsy it is his faulr, not yours. Dont let him guilt you. His girlfriend is probably tired of caring for a man who chooses not to wirk and has a drug history. Perhaps you should take a similar stand. Many here have with much younger adult children. You deserve a peaceful rest of your life.

Hugs for your hurting heart.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Sad, I am sorry for your troubles, this has been a long haul for you.
God bless you two, for the great work you have done with fostering children. I cannot imagine starting all over at my age, which is what you have done with your 14 year old son. This takes a lot of love, dedication and heart.
When we are nice, kind hearted people, like you are, sometimes we are taken advantage of. We do not expect this to happen with our own, but it does. Your son has taken advantage of your kindness. He is fully capable of taking care of himself. He is off the drug, but still exhibits the behaviors. This is unacceptable.

He called us and cussed us out and said he had no family when we said we would not set him up anymore. He got his rotten upper teeth pulled 7 months ago and has upper dentures. We paid for it and he wanted implants but doesn't have enough bone to do them. It was from doing all the drugs. Now he says we ruined his life cause his dentures are not natural and he can't eat anymore. He never takes responsibility for anything--always someone else's fault! He says his life is over. I advised him to go to a shelter here for homeless and they help you find a job and get mental help, etc.

So, you paid for his dental, (which must have cost a lot) and all he can do is grumble? Not nice. Too bad.
Do not fall into his game. See it for what it is. Manipulation.
His girlfriend does not have a right to try to guilt you into taking him in.
He is an adult, able to take care of himself if he chooses.
He is an adult child, who does not appreciate what you have done for him, and does not respect you. Off he goes.

Your focus is on your 14 year old. He needs you.

I have decided not to mention rehab to my two, they know what is available. No sense grabbing a cat by the tail, you know? Keep conversations short and sweet.

You have the "button". It is your call, how to handle this, not his.
He is using your kindness.

Kind people can and do set boundaries and limits.

Be kind to yourself!

Please take care, and work on rebuilding and restrengthening YOU. You matter!
You only have control over what you do, not anyone else.

Others will come along, you are not alone. Keep posting and sharing, it really helps.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Tanya M]

Welcome Sad,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am glad you found us here, it's a good place to come for much needed support.

You have done all you can and then some. Our difficult adult children are really good at placing blame on us instead of taking responsibility for their own poor choices. They will try to "guilt" us into helping them only helping isn't helping, it's enabling.

Have you ever attended an Al-Anon meeting? It's a great program for family members of a and addict/alcoholic. One of the biggest misconceptions about someone "being clean" is that they are now okay. Have you ever heard the term Dry Drunk? An addict/alcoholic can be free from drugs or booze but if they have not dealt with their own life issues they will continue to behave in an irresponsible manner.

There is nothing more that you can do. You did not create the chaos of your son's life, he did. It's his to own not yours.

I understand the heartache you feel, we all do here. You are not alone.

Stay steady the course as you are doing really well. Keep your boundaries firm.

Please let us know how things are going.

((HUGS)) to you...............

 

[New Leaf]

Is there anything else I should do or say?

Ok Sad, I was thinking about your question and remembered COMS good advice on another thread...... So here it is below........

So let's guard ourselves against this. Let's be very very careful when we begin any interaction with these people-who-we-love-so-much-that-we-give-our-power-away.

Let's THINK before we let them in again. Instead, we can say, when they show up/call/text/message:

1. I'm sorry, we can't do this today. Let's go out for lunch/breakfast/dinner/snack right now (get them out of our house and onto neutral turf with a defined ending of time together).
2. Let the call go to VM. Call back on OUR TIMELINE.
3. Schedule visits as we want to, i.e., once a week, once every two weeks, once every three weeks, etc., i.e., Honey let's get together for lunch in two weeks on Friday at noon at wherever.
4. Say I don't want to text about this. If you want to call me tomorrow about 10 a.m. we can talk about it then. And then don't text back.
5. Etc. You get the picture.
6. This way, we don't have to know all of the details, hear it all, the ins and outs, and then get engaged! I don't want to know about his rent, his landlord, his car gas, his commute to work, his lack of insurance, how mad he is because he can't get a doctor appointment today, his side hurts....blah blah blah. I don't want to know. I really don't.

I want peace. I want to love him. I want to accept him. I don't want my stomach in a knot.

The way to get all of that, for me, is lots of boundaries. Me deciding where, when, how and for how long.

Know also, Sad, if your son is being disrespectful and belligerent it is perfectly fine to protect yourself and step way back, limit contact, until he can behave himself. The point is, YOU decide what is best for you.
It is NOT selfish to take care of yourself.
If you do not, you do not have anything left to give.
We cannot function from empty!

Take care!
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Sad in Florida]

Thanks for all the great advice! I am being strong and I have already planned my conversation when he starts calling at the end of this month and he has no place to go. It amazes me how they can have so little respect for us and talk to us the way they do if they don't get what they want. It is like they all have read the same book on how to manipulate your parents. He is like jekkyl and hyde. When things are going his way, he is the nicest and most considerate guy and fun to be with. When things fall apart, he is mean and nasty verbally and can get aggressive like punching walls, etc. I would NEVER let him live with us and he hasn't since he was 18.
I don't know what happened to that cute little blonde kid I had that loved me and cared about things. Now it is only about self-gratification and instant gratification!
I pray for him and I love him but I will no longer be his victim!
(((HUGS)) to all!

 

[New Leaf]

Good for you, Sad,hang in there, and if he gets nasty over the phone......hang up!
leafy

 

[SeaGenieTx]

Yep New Leaf is correct! These kids can't respect us - off they go. I had to kick my son out several times before I got fed up and done with his crap. I was too soft the first few times but thanks to his vile behavior, total lack of respect and disregard for my rules and awful name calling - he made it easy to detach and be done. My son will never treat me like that again. Ive learned by reading up on addiction - the addict doesn't care and will lie and be pretty ugly - you must not tolerate that behavior at all. Out the door they go.

 

[Sad in Florida]

What really hit home with me was reading on this forum about a lady who is 90 with an abusive adult child! I am soon to be 70 and I refuse to live the next 20 yrs. being a victim to his disrespect, poor choices, and lack of responsibility! I started getting strong 3 yrs. ago but caved and paid for his rotten teeth to be extracted. He blames me for that because he hates his upper dentures and says he can't eat anymore and his life is ruined because I paid for him to get his teeth pulled. He only had 4 upper teeth and they were so painful he would call crying with toothaches. He wanted implants and they said he didn't have enough bone mass to get them. Blames me for that too??? Not the fact that years of drug abuse and meth would rot your teeth--lol!! If I had to do over again would not have done anything with his teeth, but being a mom you hate to see them in so much pain.
Anyway-- better choices for me in regards to how to handle him in the future. I will not be fooled by his manipulative and blame-game ways!!
Yeah--me!!!