Several questions ~~need input from you all

[Kathy813]

Someday your son will see this woman for what she is. My difficult child went through something similar. Her difficult child friend's mom has taken my difficult child in the two times we asked her to leave. This woman is a rescuer and takes in stray difficult children.

My difficult child is now living on her own and we are reestablishing our relationship on an adult level. She brought up the difficult child friend's mom to me recently and I said, "XXX is an enabler, pure and simple."

To me surprise, my difficult child agreed with me. She is starting to see the world through an adult's eyes.

I think that you are doing great. I had to detach myself completely from my difficult child for a while. I didn't even speak with her for a couple of months after her explosive exit.

In retrospect, letting difficult child go and letting her fend for herself has made her start to grow up. She's not there yet but is definitely taking baby steps.

~Kathy

 

[Suz]

HH your thinking and perspective have come a long way...even on this thread. You are on the right track. Good for you! :bravo:

Suz

 

[DammitJanet]

HH...I want you to know that many times your thoughts mirror mine and what you write helps me come to some very hard but, I think, good decisions.

I think your sentence about not being able to manipulate the situation any longer to bring his fall shorter is very meaningful to me. It is something I have struggled with right now. When I called the cops on Cory in April I was trying to bring his bottom up so he would stop and think. It obviously did no good.

I have others who are telling me I need to keep calling the cops on him now to "stop him" before he gets in more and more trouble now. I dont really know what I could tell the cops other than what they already know. Sure I could ask them to revoke his bond but other than that really irritating him against me...is that going to do much. Im not sure it isnt best to just let him keep digging his hole. I can revoke the bond much closer to the court dates. I think he will only learn by sinking. Not by me manipulating the outcome.

 

[hearthope]

I know your indecisions Janet.

One thing that I hold true to is the fact that I know my son completely understands what he is doing that is unacceptable to me.

I have seen him one time since I told him this wasn't working, when he drove by and saw me on the back porch and turned his head and kept going.

I felt as if I have gone thru a rehab program myself. I was addicted to saving my son from himself. In doing so, I was hurting the other members of my family and just like an addict I was only concerned with my pain and my grief over the loss of my dreams for my son.

My husband had dreams of our life together ~ My easy child has her whole future ahead of her and I was giving 100% of myself to "fix" my difficult child son.

When I failed to fix him, I turned into a different person. I no longer laughed, I no longer could tolerate family gatherings, I wasn't there for easy child or husband or myself. It was a horrible exsitence.

But, since I have totally let go, I can laugh. Most importantly my husband and easy child can laugh. I don't have those anxiety attacks anymore. I can sleep.

When I was going back and forth not sure what decisions to make I was miserable and I am sure others thought I was miserable to be around.

I feel free. Yes, my son is still on a downward spiral. He is looking at serious jail time. But he is STILL choosing to live that way. He has had every chance to help himself and he continues to repeat the same behavior.

We have to let go. Nothing we do or don't do at this point makes a difference. If you call the cops and add more charges what will it help? If you shut the door and focus on your other family members that need you and your self what will that help?

I am thankful for getting to this point. I have read others talk about it but I thought for some reason it was unattainable for me.

I am okay now even though my son is not

 

[branbran]

I think that woman has a lot of nerve. Look who's calling the kettle black!!! She accuses you of child abuse and then turns around and gives your son and hers alchohol!! She sounds like a real winner. I don't really have advice, I'm torn. I'm a bit of a wimp myself, I'm not a warrior mom quite yet, so I would probably make the wrong choice. I'm still learning to get my power back. As for feeling bad for detaching yourself from your difficult child, what else could you do? We are human beings and can only take so much. Don't feel bad about that, you have to find a way to breath and exist everyday. We have to do what we have to do to cope with this life. It's not easy. Besides you deserve a break. You have done more than your fair share trying to help your son to live a productive life, I'm sure. We can only lead our horses to water but so many times, we can't make them drink it!!

 

[Scent of Cedar I]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: branbran</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> I'm still learning to get my power back.

</div></div>

That is a good way to look at what has happened to all of us. Recovery is about getting our power back.

Barbara

 

[rejectedmom]

HH - our recovery from our addiction to helping our difficult child's is like any other recovery for any other addiction. We will sometimes feel unsure and unsteady. We may even slip a little or alot. It is a process that gets easier and easier with practice and dedication. -RM

 

[Sunlight]

I would not call the woman. after all then would he try to live with you again? he has a roof and food. they will figure him out soon enough. they will not want him there unless he pitches in. you do not owe her any explanation. let it play out on its own.

take care of you.