Sharing the very last time I will Sis break my heart.

[BusynMember]

Today something told me to go to a site she hangs on. I have no idea why and I have only been there once before. I saw this and an even meaner one later, which I did copy, but won't post here.



Posts: 41




My Borderline (BPD) Sister is at it again...
« on: March 10, 2015, 11:34:18 AM »
Quote
I am not sure why I care but I do... My sister is a regular on a website she shared with me. She obviously forgot. She is on there everyday posting terrible things not only about her own kid, but dad, bro, mom etc. When my mom died, I became her latest target. The stuff she says is hard to read. It is based on some truth but most of it is fiction. Both my brother and I know this but it still bothers me. She also likes to throw in "what I think and feel" about things. UGHHH she does not know. A lot of her facts are made to make her look like a victim and the rest as abusers. She is so awful about what she says about me. I am no angel but the way she portrays me makes me seem without morals, heartless, mean, etc. She doesn't even know me as I held back so much of who I am because I never trusted her. I know, stop going there and reading. I wish I could. Not sure why I am drawn to reading her "crazy" version of life. Oh, did I mention she is a writer? Thanks for letting me vent...


She called me evil later on. This is probably her reality in her mind. And she has somehow dragged brother into it, brother she would not invite to her wedding because he was too ugly and her friend would laugh at him. Brother she had no sympathy for when he was sick.

Sadly, I do know who she is.

As she asks, why does it still hurt?

One thing I do know, we both hurt, but I try as hard as I can to stay away from her stuff. Until today. I believe (don't laugh) a guardian angel wanted to warn me that she is reading this site and all I put down. I would not do that to her. I want to forget about her. Today is a big lesson to me (and it's all my fault) why I need to stay away from her.

I do love my father. Frankly, when he passes, I think I will celebrate his life alone, after the gang of nuts and fruits are gone and I don't really care what anybody thinks. I am going to tell Dad I don't want my brother to call me for any reason...my cousin can call me. I will know. I will grieve. My father is the only one in the entire DNA connection who is fair to me. I don't even care if Dad is so angry he cuts me out of his will. I am not interested in his money. I just want the peace I have when I am not engaged with this crazy ex-family.

AS I say this, I have no doubt that my sister's reality is different from mine. But I really don't want to know her reality anymore and have no idea why she sneaks around to read mind. Bro probably does too, although he has lived in NJ for thirty years and knows little.

Sis has never seen a psychiatrist. She thinks she sees the world clearly. The fact, is all three of us are damaged, including her.

Ok, vent over.

 

[Lil]

I so wish I could help, though I know I can't. But, in a few short hours, something wonderful is going to happen to you. Please try to put this behind you and enjoy it.

 

[BusynMember]

Thanks a lot, Lil. i know. You are such a kind woman.

See what kinds of families some of us come from?

It was a decision I had to make not to abuse my kids. It wasn't a hard decision and my kids don't think they were abused. I guess I should count my blessings. Yes, Goneboy left, but he came at age six. All my other kids love me, even if my idiot family of origin has their own ideas of what I'm like.

I sent the message Sis wrote online to Tom and he said, "Who cares what she thinks?" That made me feel better. He thinks she's coocoo. I saved it for my therapist. Actually saved both for her. I suspect by the time I go home, Sis won't be anywhere on my mind though. WHen I decide not to engage, I truly try not to.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Hi Some, it was months after finding this forum that I started connecting my family with what goes on with my difficult child. I knew they could be mean, but I just refused to see the connection.

There is a whole lot of mean that goes on in many of our families. I am dealing with it right now, so cannot close my eyes. I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

As we read so often here, hold very close those who treat us respectfully. Let the others go.

My brother is in the hospital, freaky accident. Was in ICU for several days, in regular room now, but not out of the woods for losing an arm. My mother is furious with husband and me because we called her out on being rude while we were giving my parents a ride to see their son. She was/is mad because we followed the GPS, instead of the route she wanted. I know.......

She will not speak to me right now, her only link to hearing about her son who has had 6 surgeries in the last 10 days. It defies common sense. My brother cannot use either arm to answer his phone; my sister in law would never, ever give her mother in law her cell #. Bad relationship for the 25 years they have been married. Parents never "approved". Heck, they call my nephew by his middle name because they do not approve of his first name. It is just crazy typing this!!

My brother and sister in law are all about, Good for you! High time you did this! While that makes me feel better, I am so sad this has happened. Again.

In my mom and my past, she once did not speak to me for five years and had nothing to do with 2 of my 3 kids. I will not go down that road with her again. Most likely, because I found this forum. Well, okay, I guess there is no choice in going down that road again, but there will be no guilt.

Saying, I am not aiming to highjack your post, but I DO understand. It is sheer insanity to try to salvage a relationship that is so based on one person demanding you meet their whims and wants, no matter how ridiculous.

Stay strong!

SS

 

[svengandhi]

I completely understand toxic sisters. The last time I had contact with mine was when our aunt, the last remaining person in our parent's generation on that side of the family, died. Auntie left me her entire estate and deliberately cut my sister out but I had intended to give sis some of it. Well, I had H call out there and put it on speaker. Sis' "friend" answered and when H identified himself, sis grabbed the phone and said: " I hope you are calling to tell me Sven is dead because I don't want to hear anything else from you." H said, no, Sven is alive but Auntie has died. The next day I had a voice mail - ON MY WORK NUMBER, which I never gave them but which is listed on a public website because I'm a lawyer and it was very docile and apologetic. I called back and left my own voice mail that said: "Just wanted to let you know that Auntie wrote you out of her will. I had been planning to drop some money on you anyway, but not anymore. Have a nice life and don't ever call me again." Then, I filed the will and the Court dealt with her after that.

H's sister is toxic as well. She uses her mom as a drug dealer and had H and their mom (who was 80 at the time) arrested for abusing her. She actually had her mom kicked out of her own home and mother in law had to live with us for a year while we fought it out in the courts. Sadly, mother in law didn't learn her lesson and now, at 90, she has her not so daughter living with her again. This time, I have detached from it.

I think that you should not deal with your sister anymore. I just have one thing I don't understand - how did your sister find the CD site and know who you were?

 

[BusynMember]

Well, in the end, we learn that our families-of-origin don't define us. They do to one another, but they are so off the mark. Here my sis is calling me borderline yet reading my posts for what...years? She claims she can't stop, just as she can not give up her Difficult Child boyfriend, who is abusive to her. Sadly, I don't believe she can give up anyone. If this is all she can get of me, she will take it and she will forget that I am here, talking to others to heal, and pretend on her site that I am just randomly posting all about her. You'd think I gave identifying info about her. She needs to learn to let go of me, of her abusive boyfriend, of everybody toxic in her life (at least to whom she feels is toxic) or she will be 60 and too old to have had peaceful years. She is a young senior citizen now, not somebody with years to learn how to let go. I know she drives my dad nuts...lol. My only connection to ex-sis and ex-bro is Dad. Once he is gone, and I hope it is long from now, they will never hear from me again. I am even considering strongly, along with my husband and kids, refraining from the dirty looks and bad blood when he passes to the next and better world. WE can go to his graveside at any time, the next day, whatever, and grieve for him. Is it necessary to sit there at such a terrible time with people we do not want to even see? It's about Dad, and I'm not sure I want to divide my time wondering what Sis and Bro are thinking.

In his next life, Dad will understand.

And, Cedar, if you are reading this your were right. My sister wanted me to know that she knew about my mastectomy and wanted me to think that Dad told her, but he didn't. She read it here. You were so right that her text was just her brand of meanness. And, yes, she is mean...yet good at getting people she was mean to to forgive her (except me anymore). I really wonder what made up story she told my brother about why she was so mean to him when he was so sick and why she did not invite him to her wedding. I'm sure she did not tell him the truth about his being "gross" and ugly and looking like a girl and appearing gay.

To be honest, since my brother never married and never had a relationship at all, everyone assumed he was gay and we all talked about it, even Sis. My uncle's wife and uncle, who loved Golden Child, still thought he was gay. THe wife once told Sis, "Well, of course he's gay, isn't he?" ANd Sis told me. I am sorry I said it, although I don't think there is anything wrong with it. But the fact is, although he is peculiar and has not ever had a live in relationship, or any as far as I know, he is not gay.

If he had been a fly on the wall listening to my sister, would he still forgive her? I can't say. I don't care. I just know she fudges the truth to get out of trouble.

She can't fudge the truth to me anymore. I know she is uber-interested in my life in a sick way. I don't know why.

I am not interested in her life at all. But where she is at now did not surprise me. I did not think she would ever be good to herself and dump abusive boyfriend. So she is right where I expected her to be, asking, on the site, the same questions she asked me a year ago and years before that too.

They are to be pitied.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

She was/is mad because we followed the GPS, instead of the route she wanted.

Why, you rebel, you!

Seeking, I feel badly for your brother.

My brother and sister in law are all about, Good for you! High time you did this! While that makes me feel better, I am so sad this has happened. Again.

For me, the sadness and nostalgia I feel around my sister and my mom have to do with loss of that dream of communication and decency and intimacy that we believe exists between ourselves and those we love. After we have forced ourselves to see what is true about our own beloved difficult child kids (and ourselves) to get to detachment, the intensity of emotion in the games our families of origin play seems like a cheap imitation. The transparency of the games we now allow ourselves to see and the paltriness of the power-over "win" seem so lame, so weirdly out of balance or out of context or something. (Remember the thread about our children, so troubled and rotten sometimes, being beloved, being truly cherished, despite it all?)

That's love.

Not the meanly cruel, power-over "win" that pinches and puzzles and passes for love in dysfunctional families.

And you are right, Seeking. We cannot unsee what we see so clearly, now. I cannot unsee it, either. But here is a thought that drives me batty: they are the ones who blinded us to their shenanigans in the first place.

They created perfect victims, and they either didn't know or they didn't care that their behaviors would put us at a disadvantage in every arena of our lives.

Grrr!!! Yay that we are talking about this. I did not know I still had such a head of steam going on around these issues.

Here is a secret: I have been missing my mother and my sister, lately. They even took that away from me. I don't even get to have a mother, or a sister, because they cannot help but play bad games.

Where is my pirate skirt? I need to be stronger than this and stop pretending they have changed. They do not want to change.

Too bad, for them. Being in love with each other is way more fun.

And we do know how to do that.

:O)

But...though it can make us stronger? Recognizing we need to put on our pirate skirt is a lonely thing.

I am going to sew bells on my pirate skirt.

F you, mom.

In my mom and my past, she once did not speak to me for five years and had nothing to do with 2 of my 3 kids. I will not go down that road with her again. Most likely, because I found this forum. Well, okay, I guess there is no choice in going down that road again, but there will be no guilt.

My mom has done that.

We need to be wary, and we need to be wise Seeking, where our mothers and sibs are involved.

They do not see the way we see.

We are vulnerable to them, because we love and miss them, and we miss what could be. But just like it has been for us sometimes with our kids, what could be never was.

We never had that.

For them, for our dysfunctional family members, the win is in the power-over. That is the difference between us. Some of us get together and feel happy to see all those faces that somehow bear a resemblance to ours. Others of us see ~ I don't really know what they must see. I remember my sister having her children parade around singing songs and waving flags at family gatherings.

And there were very few family gatherings to begin with.

It stopped conversation, of course. Sort of left the gathering weirded out and off-balance and you know how that goes. Once the rhythm of a gathering has been broken, it is too much strain to have it back, easy and smooth like it was before the interruption.

It was like that is what she wanted.

It felt so put on and wrong. Everyone listened, of course, but each of us was there to see our own kids together with hers and everyone being all of ours, all of us, of that mystical thing family is. Not just her kids, being outrageously talented or well taught or whatever it was she was trying to do with them instead of just letting things develop naturally.

It has always been just so wrong.

Looks like we never had a chance. To establish normal family, I mean.

My sister does the same thing now with her grandchild. Just after she turned three, my sister had trained the child to salute the flag and say the Pledge of Allegiance. This would be performed in restaurants, at gatherings, on campgrounds and golf courses, anywhere there was a flag, as though it were a surprise, and the child had come up with it herself.

Though my sister would be right next to the child, smiling so big and proud.

I know I sound petty and jealous. That is how feeling the way I feel about it made me feel in my secret heart, too.

But it is a weirdness, for sure. And between the sister and the mother and the famous grandchild, my brother's grandchildren, who are the same age, have been relegated to non-status. Not only non-status, but only pics of the one grand ~ no pics of the brother's grands displayed at our mutual mother's house.

Big, blown up pictures of sister's grand.

That is not going over well with the wives of my brother's sons. They required my brother to stand up to my mother over that. I posted about what happened to my brother because he stood up to her.

About the thing in the garage that my mother gave away on the condition that the person who took it could have it for free, but that it had to be moved that very day. The next day, she sent my brother into the garage for something to be sure he would see that the thing was gone.

Like magic.

Do not cross me. Do not complain.

You will pay.

Anything to shame him back into submission...and for what? I don't get the win.

I used to feel so badly for thinking like this. Of course I love my nieces, I would think. Or my great-niece. But once my sister inserted herself between family members and whatever child was able to elicit our attention, it destroyed whatever relationship was being formed with the child.

I am becoming angry about all that lost time, and about the nieces I never got to know and the family time we never got to have.

How dare they have wasted my time, the time that was my life, in this way.

(Whoa. Someone get that pirate skirt away from Cedar! Who told her it was okay to cover her pirate skirt with doorbells, not tiny silver bells? There she sits, defiantly gonging away on the doorbell from the Adams Family. And what is that?!? The tower bell from Quasimodo? For Pete's sake Cedar, get a grip.)









Oh, for Heaven's sake. I finally recognize your incognito self, Somewhere.

:O)

Did you ever think, incognito detective friend of the heart, that you may never have had an illness, at all? You were raised, like I was, in such a twisted environment that every symptom could be a response to that. Given this last business your sib has done, I would say she is heavily invested in proving your instability. I have actually wondered about this before. Your basic nature is so truthful. You don't seem heavily invested in hiding who you are in any sense, or in presenting yourself as more than you are.

Your sibling's behavior is not normal ~ to be so heavily invested in identifying you as ill.

That is not normal.

Normal would be to celebrate the sister's (your) hard work and recovery.

You know this is true.

We have all spent so much time and energy ferreting out what has really been going on with our family of origin relationships that I think we are seeing true things. Incident after incident, we are seeing what really happened, not what we wish happened or what they told us happened.

Could it be true that sister and mother were engaged in gaslighting you and the brother? Could this have been happening for so long that you both grew into who you were taught to be?

That whole calling the police thing ~ there was a smacking wrongness, there.

Torture the sister, make her feel guilty so she comes crawling, crying, demanding to make sense of what has happened...and condemn her, roundly and repeatedly and publicly, when she does.

It may have been the other sister who has been harboring Borderline tendencies, all along.

And that thing about the brother being too unattractive to attend a wedding. That is way out of line thinking.

I have wondered about this for awhile, now.

Could it be true?

Even the stalking issue. I am not stalking my sister. I feel badly but I am angry at the way she treated daughter after the beating and I see what kind of person would do that and I don't like it at all.

But my sister is stalking me.

Those unpredictable phone calls. The pretending our mutual mother was failing to get me to call back and having it turn out to be that she wants me to know they are all going to vacation at the seaside, and I should put my hostilities aside for the sake of our failing mother and what kind of person am I, anyway. There is more complexity to it than that, even, but I cannot believe it myself. I don't want to come away looking like the villain here. The more deeply I try to figure it out, the more I feel like I am being a poop.

And that is the intention. To make me look like someone I am not. And once I do look like that? That is the win, for the sibling.

It is a deadly game, and they never miss their marks.

(Cedar rings the Adams Family doorbell on her pirate skirt. Laughing like Lurch, she rolls her eyes toward the ceiling, where a giggling Uncle Festus hangs upside down, like a bat.)

***

Like mistreated puppies or kittens, mistreated human babies can believe all kinds of terrible things about themselves.

But what if it isn't entirely true, about you and the Borderline?

Even depression could be attributed to the way you were brought up and then, viewed by a family not above torturing you to get a reaction.

It ~ you are so kind, here on the site. You answer immediately and you answer so many posts. This means you are not crafting them, editing them, presenting yourself as someone other than you are here for us.

So, that must be true about you in real life, too.

Which sister is actually displaying borderline tendencies? Which sister is teasing and taunting and stalking the other?

Your sister's behaviors are abnormal. Here is a key: Which sister were you taught to believe was the more popular, or normal, or whatever the primary but unattained value for the mother in your family of origin was?

Case in point.

Cedar

For whatever reason, certain members of our families of origin do not experience compassion. They do not experience trust. They do not experience heart to heart fullness. They experience loneliness.

They are deeply lonely.

As wounded as we are, ourselves, they take their pain out on others instead of trying to make room for others.

We cannot help them.

They have no real place inside from which to see us.

We really do need to be wise, and we need to be wary. Kind, when we can do it, but that is for our own sakes.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I believe (don't laugh) a guardian angel wanted to warn me that she is reading this site and all I put down.

I believe this is true.

I would not do that to her.

You would not do that to her, or to anyone else. Your life is full and happy (and sad, sometimes). That is the difference between you and your sister. I am sorry this happened to us. Just imagine if we had had the sisters we had convinced ourselves we had? How much fun and solidarity there must be in such families!

We have never had that.

We do not have it, now.

But now, we see.

I will grieve.

I think it is important for us to acknowledge and grieve, not only all the bad things and the crazy (and crazy-making) things we got, but all the wonderful, ego-nourishing times of celebration and stability we did not get.

We need to grieve for, and forgive, ourselves.

We were not able to change the nature of things, for our families of origin.

But that is okay. We battled courageously. Maybe, if we had known, we would not have tried, would not have believed in them, as wholeheartedly as we did.

(I can't believe a stranger (your sister) has been voyeurizing my posts for nefarious reasons.

Ew.

To the sister I would say: The degree of sharing here happens because, in the extremity of our pain, we are already open and vulnerable, one to another. You can not shame us, and we will not allow you to shame one of our own.

Today something told me to go to a site she hangs on.

Probably you miss her. I miss my sister, too. But here is the thing: Neither of us ever had a sister. Not a real one, not one who loved us and who knew us. We have never been real to them.

And they have never been real to us. We have excused or taken the blame ourselves for ugliness upon ugliness, so we could love a sister that does not exist.

The person who did the ugly things.

That is our real sister.

I feel badly for us both.

I do love my father.

I think we love because we love. That is who you are.

In your secret heart?

You love your sister, too.

That is why we need to choose wise and wary.

The fact, is all three of us are damaged

Yes, of course this is so.

It could not be otherwise.

It isn't like there is a toxic situation and only one person is twisted by it.

I just think you are the healthy one.

It is the sister, lying and conniving in the background and forever forming alliances against you, who seems not to be healthy.

It is like she is fixated on you.

Oh, wait. The doorbell on my pirate skirt is going off.

:O)

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Well, in the end, we learn that our families-of-origin don't define us.

I think they do define us. Our relationships there define our core issues, now.

I think this is true.

As we have had to battle through everything that has happened with our children, our perspectives about ourselves ~ about our strength and our courage and about who we are in our secret hearts ~ all those things first caused us to question and then, to refute, the things our families of origins taught us were true. Not just about ourselves, but about how we interpret the meaning of everything ~ of our lives, and of ourselves, in our lives.

There was so much wrongness there. I still don't get the win. I do see the nature of the game now, and what it is they see as the win.

I think I do see that.

There is a sense of unbelievability to the way I think about them, now. I feel like I must be a bad person to think about their motives the way that I do. (What kind of person...what kind of person thinks like I do about their own family?)

It's very confusing.

She needs to learn to let go of me,

But if she cannot believe herself the better person, what will she have to protect herself from the true things she will have to work very hard to get through?

Is she projecting onto you? And have you (and I, and the others of us who see everything the way we keep on seeing it) believed the projections were true?

Maybe, there are people who literally cannot see a different way to think about their life situations?

My sister wanted me to know that she knew about my mastectomy and wanted me to think that Dad told her, but he didn't.

I don't know why they want to hurt us. This is an example of what I mean when I post that I don't get the "win" for them.

Why would someone who loves us ~ and I mean, even if they don't love us in the mushy sense, for Heaven's sake, they have known us all of our lives ~ why would they want to hurt us?

I don't get the win.

Why doesn't matter.

Wise, and wary.

They are to be pitied.

I think this is how it will go. Either we will remain in this place where we keep shaking our heads and not feeling the same emotional involvement or protectiveness, or we will reengage, but from a healthier place.

In the best of all worlds, we would reengage from a place of compassion.

(Or jealousy, for me? It could be jealousy. If you see it in one way, it could be jealousy that I feel. Probably jealous is a big part of it. In this new way of looking, I would identify jealous as the way I have been primed to feel. That I have lost something my sister got ~ the mother, or those kinds of family things. Respect and loving interaction and so on.)

Where was I going.

Yep.

Jealous is in there. Jealous, and the guilt that attends it and weakens me, and blinds me to what is happening as I try to manage my interpretations and feelings appropriately.

Whenever I start smelling too much like a rose, I get it that there is something pretty important for me to look at.

Jealous is so cheap a thing to be.

Ew.

Cedar

But can it be jealous if the thing stolen away or put forward as a bargaining chip should have been freely, endlessly available for each of us and for all of our children?

Is it jealous I feel, or...?

Rage.

Is it jealous I feel, or is it rage at the stupid of all of it, and the pain and the rejection and.

?

Such a waste, all that pain, for nothing of value at all.

Well, that's alright. We are working through it all, and any healthiness injects a little healthiness into our interactions with others.

So, we'll just keep doing what we are doing, then.

Small steps.

 

[CrazyinVA]

I'm sorry, I know it must have hurt to read that. But as always, we can't control what others think or do. You know what's true, and that's all that matters. My only additional comment is about this:

I am going to tell Dad I don't want my brother to call me for any reason...my cousin can call me.

Is there a reason you need to tell your dad this? I ask because if one of my kids came to me about not wanting to talk to the other one, it would bother me.. a LOT. I'd tell them to leave me out of it (and I've said this before when they're arguing, because they don't get along very well). Putting him in the middle isn't really fair to him.

Not trying to pick at you, I mean that with kindness - just concerned that this may add more fuel to the fire.

 

[BusynMember]

First to Sven: My sister told her group I once told her about this site and she remembered. I wonder how many years she felt the need to stalk me here. I guess it's sad for her, not me.

To CrazyinVA: My Dad is used to it. And, yes, I don't want to have to hear about my father's ending from him.

Cedar, yes, she did stalk you. However, she may not have taken your posts to heart as she was not interested in you. She was trying to get "the dirt" on me. I have no idea why or how feelings and memories of past are dirt, but that is how she thinks. She was and still is, of course, seven years my junior and things were different for me and for her as we grew up. Plus she was the quiet one and I was the noisy one with the OBVIOUS mental health issues. Obliviously, anorexia is a mental health issue but it is a quiet disease, Sis was in college, and Mom either didn't notice or didn't care. Regarding Sis, having free sex is not a sign of health nor can two abortions aid your mental health. Who helped her set up her first abortion? Terrible, evil me of course. She was in college and Mom wasn't there. But, you know, all this is trite.

How sick is it to need to know the innermost thoughts of a sibling you claim to dislike so much? I honestly have not been following her life. I told my father I wouldn't listen to anything about her or bro.

Do I still love her? Cedar, this is hard for me. I don't know. IF so, it is love/hate. To call me evil? Does she know what evil means? Does she know that people are part good traits, part negative traits and mostly neutral traits. DId she forget I have a good heart? That I tried to help people who were struggling? That I adopted and fostered kids? That I save animals? That I volunteered in homeless shelters? Not blowing my horn, but, just like I got that lily label of "selfish" from FOO, evil is a black and white judgment of a borderline. I don't even think SHE is evil. Screwed up, yes. SElf-absorbed? OH YES. Does she make poor life decisions? Yes. Does she breech my own moral code? Well, the married man says it all. But she has fun days, sometimes shows a good heart, has a good sense of humor, is smart and can be nice to you if you one of the people she sees as "good." No, she isn't evil. My mother was close to what evil is, at least to me. THat is my experience. Sis can whine all day. I didn't abuse her. She abused me. From Day One. But was she evil? REally evll? No. To me she was hateful, but evil insinuates there is no good in you; that basically nobody can find any redemption in you. Her relationship with me was hateful, not evil, and certainly she had people who loved and liked her.

So...I have pondered...do I care if Sis keeps reading my thoughts?

No, I don't. That is her business, although I do feel she needs serious help if she can not stop herself and truly wants to stop herself.

Sis has accused me of having no boundaries because I got mad at her and friended some of her friends on FB and sent her abusive boyfriend some sort of message (I actually hoped he'd break it off with her. I was and still am convinced he is sick enough to klil her some day, but she is right...that was none of my business). But I admit I kind of chuckled as I friended her friends because she is no anal about FB. Was that wrong? Probably, although I did get a laugh out of it (secret giggle). If you are reading this, Sis, yes, I wish I had not gone there just as I wish you had not done what you did that I perceived as mean.

Was that an evil thing to do? No. It didn't hurt anyone. Just ticked sister off as she had ticked me off beforehand which is why I did it. We are clearly toxic to one another and should not speak or see one another, but neither of us comes close to "evil."

Cedar, I do think this has to do with Sissy's unhappy life. At the end of the day, she got a divorce to find somebody to love forever and ever. Yes, she is a bit of a magical thinker. Instead, she found a married man who was also a jerk and now an unmarried jerk and this has been going on for five years. Her kids are scattered all over. I don't get the feeling she is too close to any of them. She doesn't MAKE time to stay home with them. I remember once she ditched her daughter because "she just will want to be with boyfriend anyway" just so she could go out to spend the night with abusive boyfriend. She really has three nice, attractive, brilliant kids...yet, from my point of view and perhaps not hers, she put her boyfriend before them. Anyhow, when your life is off the rails, you need somebody else's life to feel alive at all and anger is an emotion that keeps one on her toys so again she feels alive.

When we heal together here, I think about my DNA collection. When I'm out in the world, I am free of toxic people. Sis is gone. Bro is gone. Mom is dead and gone. They are my toxic people.

Life is peaceful, serene and good in Wisconsin and I work hard every single day to keep it that way. After the surprise I got from Sis yesterday, I am feeling great after being with Junior this morning and feeling sorry for Sis and Bro. It is sad to me that he never had a live in relationship, although perhaps he is fine with it. I do know Sis is miserable and that's sad. She is doing it to herself by hanging onto her own personal hurts from the past and a boyfriend who will never change. And as much as I'd love to fix her, I can't. I did try. Finally I got too worn out hearing about abusive boyfriend and set a boundary: I won't talk to her about him anymore.

She said, "Then you can't talk to ME because he's a big part of my life."

I told her that was her decision.

She called me controlling.

A boundary is control. It's taking your power back and it does put limits on others. I see her point.

Never heard from her again and do not miss the endless saga of Abusive Boyfriend, her drinking friends who dropped her then embraced her again (kind of like karma), or anything about her. I did get to know her, although she thinks she hid herself. I'm very perceptive. The more I knew her, the less I respected her. Sorry, but the married man affair, which went on a long time and her callous attitude toward his wife, changed my thinking about her forever and it went down from there. She does not have a strong moral compass. If it furthers her needs, she does not think about how it will effect others. It took me a long time to realize this but once I did, I was emotionally gone. I started leaving before I left.

by the way, has anyone been diagnosed as "extreme" borderline and narcissistic by a teacher's assistant extraordinaire before?

Just wondering

 

[SuZir]

Somewhere: I'm sorry you feel betrayed and are hurting, but maybe it would be advisable to think twice what you share with us about someone else's personal business. Her health issues or life events are really not our business and this is a big board. It is possible, though unlikely, that someone could recognize her.

Maybe concentrating sharing how you feel and how you could overcome this situation and hurt it causes you would be more kosher than telling us personal things about her that she likely wouldn't like us to know.

 

[BusynMember]

Suzir, I come here to heal. You don't know her. I would never give her name and I'm sure not one person here knows her.

I'm sorry, but these sites are for sharing. She shares about me on her site. Every healing site does that.

I respect you a lot, but I did concentrate on how I felt which required examples. I deliberately made sure she could not be identified and I'm ok with t he rest. WE are almost all sharing detailed personal stuff here to try to heal. But no identities are given out.

 

[Childofmine]

Some (going to be hard to write the new name but hey I can change...),

I am sorry for the pain of this. There is nothing like an attack from the people who are "supposed" to love us the most to hurt more than anything.

You know the truth of it, but you still have to walk through the pain and then, ask what is the meaning of this?? Something new or just more confirmation of what I already knew?

Whatever it is, let there be limited energy from you on this, as much as is possible. It is what it is. They are who they are. You are who you are. You do not have to know or see them or talk to them or think about them to have a great life.

Like Cedar says, it is sad but okay, things are sad. Sad is hard but it will not kill us.

People will change or they will not change on their own timeline. If their behavior is toxic to us, we can set strong boundaries for as long as need be. We get to decide who is in our lives. That is one of the pleasures of adulthood.

I hope you are okay today. Keep the faith. Keep on truckin'. Keep moving forward.

Warm hugs for you today.

P.s. Let all the mean people go. Let it go. Let it go. Lalalala...

 

[BusynMember]

COM, you were better than a therapist.

If you can be so brave about your son (and I'm sooooooooo glad he's doing better), then I can certainly let go of my siblings, who I never loved as much as my children. You are so right. And since they think I"m mean, I hope they leave me alone too.

Suzir, I have to smile. Our cities are probably bigger than all of your country...lol There is no way in hades anyone is going to recognize Sis or Bro. Sis doesn't act like this to anybody outside the family anyway so she would be unrecognizable to anyone but our tiny family. I would never give anyone's identity away. But on healing boards we all tell our stories as she does on hers and she writes her version of me. I am not afraid anyone will recognize me from her postings and I'm glad she is trying to heal. I hope she does, although I will never know if she did or not. It is not as if their workplaces see this or would even know them. I keep everything on the board, where it is safe.

 

[SuZir]

SOT: You do know I'm not living in Andorra, don't you?

What I meant was, that this is much more public board than we often think. When we write here, it may feel we know everyone here, just those few familiar people with whom we always talk with. Very cosy. In reality we do have thousands members I think. And even right now there is hundreds guests. We two have never met and hardly changed any private messages, but I do know your real name and general area where you live (yes, I have good memory, most wouldn't likely remember them because you have only mentioned them few times.) And while it is not likely, it is possible that someone who actually knows you reads these boards, or knows you parents and recognizes your name or picture, and they may know your other relatives.

It is important we can share our feelings and enough information to explain them, but your sister's private health issues, love life or her occupation are really not our business.

 

[BusynMember]

Suzir, I have truly hidden enough that nobody would know them. My sister comes across as sweet and nice and friendly. Nobody would guess it was her.

I will try to be more discreet