She Who Must Not Be Named

[susiestar]

For whatever it is worth, when my oldest was 14-16 he hated me. With an amazing intensity. Around age 19-20 he started to see why I insisted on things like chores and not eating raw hamburger (esp after it sat in your room for 2-3 days). By age 22 he actually thanked me for dragging him to all the docs, therapists, groups, etc... It blew me away to hear that. I really think if you stand your ground and insist on ending this and making him rejoin the real world, then in a few years he will see WHY you did it and he will truly appreciate it.

 

[WordNerd]

Take some time today to stop and recognize your own strength. It takes a LOT of strength to put boundaries in place when things have gone this far astray. Reward yourself for this strength and for paying attention to your gut instincts. ALWAYS listen to those gut instincts, esp about your kids. You have them for a reason - they are rarely incorrect. Don't let hubby or son or any professional convince you to ignore your instincts. You know your son best and esp those professionals haven't spent enough time or invested enough in him to be more of an authority on what is best for him.

Your hubby wants easy, no fighting, no doing the hard work. Or so it sounds like. His take on this is dead wrong and has contributed to your son's broken status. I hope counseling is enough to wake your hubby up so that he can see the very real problems that your son has.

One strategy that might work with son is to make him EARN the time he spends online with She. Chores, going to activities outside the home with old friends, engaging in the world, getting his work done, all these can earn him time online or on the phone with She. If he wants to talk/interact with her, he has to do x thing or things and each one earns y minutes to be spent with She. Refusal to do things means no time with She. Just a thought.

(((((hugs)))))

Thanks. I really like your idea for making him earn time. We had to stick with zero internet until you promise to do school work and that actually worked out. Thought Dad was having a harder time of that day then son (Dad kept wanting to cave). Also told Son he could earn more online time if he starts to get outside with friends or an activity he wants. Still waiting to get a counselling appointment, so I have turned to focusing on Dad and the rules that need to be in place (son and girlfriend can only be together in public under his supervision, not her mom's or at a friend's house) for the trip. And have warned Son that he has to stay in line for the trip to even be considered. Dad has read comments, still won't budge. I can't win them all, but keep trying.

Daughter and I go out of the country for the first time in our lives the day after Son and Dad get back from their trip. It is a school thing for Daughter that has been paid for and planned for a year now. Almost cancelled, but didn't feel it was fair for Daughter to be punished because of Son's behavior. Son has gotten to travel to Space Camp, etc. and was offered the trip, but had no interest. Part of me is glad because he probably would have changed his mind at the last minute and that would have been a bad scene. Part of me feels guilty for looking forward to the trip. Won't be an absolute break from Son and Dad as there will be constant contact, but it will be somewhat of a break and I have never been out of the country.

 

[InsaneCdn]

It is a school thing for Daughter that has been paid for and planned for a year now. Almost cancelled, but didn't feel it was fair for Daughter to be punished because of Son's behavior

Absolutely go. If you don't support your daughter in having a normal life, she may end up paying a price you don't want to even consider. Too often, our easier kids get the short end of the stick.