Hi. I'm new here. It looks like most of you are well acquainted with some shared history. Good to meet you, and thank you for being here.
I'm a 55 year old mother to a 33 year old single daughter, only child. I divorced her father when she was about 6. We had some tough years but I finally grew up and became a loving and responsible Mom, making amends the best I could for all my shortcomings. My new husband (married 15 years ago) has been very loving and supportive of her, too, and tolerant of her many years of roller coaster emotions with me. We have probably spent around $15k total helping her move, pay bills, travel home and rescue her over the years, plus continuous telephone support. She lives out of state. We're not rich. My husband's own grown daughters of the same age who also live out of state, did not get this type of support. They are married with children and making their own way in life and have good relationships with us.
Back to my daughter. After years of her problems (always blamed on her childhood) and the guilt I carried for not being the best Mom to her, the time came when I had to tell her she was on her own financially and needed to become more independent. She had a good paying job but because it was a per diem job, she chose to work only enough to get her by. She did not build a savings account. I warned her time and again, she needed to save up money for emergencies. Whenever she came home for the holidays or funerals we bought her ticket. She always made a big deal about how she traveled so far to see everyone, and she felt other family members did not pay enough attention to her when she'd show up once a year or so... and in her telling of how she "sacrificed" to be here, she never acknowledged that it was all expense paid visits.
Anyway, last summer she got a cavity in her tooth that was bothering her. I told her to get it fixed sooner rather than later and she always put it off. My hard working patient husband was telling me that while he had compassion and love for her, we really weren't helping her grow up to tend to her emergencies. He was starting to feel remiss for all the years we worried about my daughter while ignoring his own. So I started becoming more firm with mine, telling her we couldn't keep rescuing her.
Here we are, several months ahead and her tooth has disintegrated and others are at risk. I told her that we cannot pay for it this time and that this is just one more example of her expecting us to pick up the pieces. I'm riddled with guilt and empathy for her situation, but remaining firm. She asks me to talk to my brother, her uncle, who is financially well off, and ask him for his help. I do ask him. He says he'll call her, and he never does. I'm guessing it's because he has watched her behavior over the years and does not want to contribute to her sense of entitlement. He is self made and worked hard at many jobs to get where he is and he wants to see her do the same. He feels she needs to learn that living on the edge has been her choice and she should experience the consequences.
She called me last week and said for me to please call her uncle and insist that he contact her and help her. I told her no, that it was up to her to pursue it from now on and that I am embarrassed to ask my brother to help my able-bodied daughter who habitually falls into financial crisis. I wasn't going to intercede on her behalf any more.
At that point, she cut me off... said she was done with me and the rest of us. Said she was sick of our family's "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" mentality and that she had been working hard to get her life back on track and couldn't understand how we can't be bothered to help her when her mouth is falling apart. I explained to her that it was she who couldn't be bothered to fix the tooth before it became a big problem but she will hear none of it. She said she feels abused and dismissed by the whole family and that if we want her to be independent, then she'll be independent all right, but it will include never having anything to do with any of us. She is extremely hurtful with lots of name calling and cussing.
So, here I am, with Christmas coming, feeling like a heel for letting my daughter suffer with her dental problems and being estranged from her, worrying about her, and also feeling incredulous that she can do this. I can't for the life of me ever dream of talking to my own Mom this way (when she was alive)... of punishing her for telling me it was time to grow up.
I guess my question now is, would anyone else here draw the same line? I understand it's one thing to tell an adult child you're no longer going to pay their phone bill or help with their rent, but do you also tell them you're not going to help them in a medical emergency, too? That's what I'm struggling with... that she's losing her teeth, even if it is by her own poor financial planning. She always resented that I didn't pay for braces when she was younger. We didn't have dental insurance, nor a generous income in those early years and I thought her smile was lovely. When she was older and out of the house, and I started doing better financially, she told me that I owed it to her... that I should pay for her to get braces as an adult because I could afford it better. I sometimes wonder if she's hurting herself to somehow spite me. She has blamed every bad decision on her upbringing. I know people with a lot harder upbringings than she had, who are making their way in life quite well.
Thanks for letting me type out my thoughts here. It's such a conflicting time and I welcome the insight of someone more seasoned or with a perspective I may not be seeing in my muddled state.
I'm a 55 year old mother to a 33 year old single daughter, only child. I divorced her father when she was about 6. We had some tough years but I finally grew up and became a loving and responsible Mom, making amends the best I could for all my shortcomings. My new husband (married 15 years ago) has been very loving and supportive of her, too, and tolerant of her many years of roller coaster emotions with me. We have probably spent around $15k total helping her move, pay bills, travel home and rescue her over the years, plus continuous telephone support. She lives out of state. We're not rich. My husband's own grown daughters of the same age who also live out of state, did not get this type of support. They are married with children and making their own way in life and have good relationships with us.
Back to my daughter. After years of her problems (always blamed on her childhood) and the guilt I carried for not being the best Mom to her, the time came when I had to tell her she was on her own financially and needed to become more independent. She had a good paying job but because it was a per diem job, she chose to work only enough to get her by. She did not build a savings account. I warned her time and again, she needed to save up money for emergencies. Whenever she came home for the holidays or funerals we bought her ticket. She always made a big deal about how she traveled so far to see everyone, and she felt other family members did not pay enough attention to her when she'd show up once a year or so... and in her telling of how she "sacrificed" to be here, she never acknowledged that it was all expense paid visits.
Anyway, last summer she got a cavity in her tooth that was bothering her. I told her to get it fixed sooner rather than later and she always put it off. My hard working patient husband was telling me that while he had compassion and love for her, we really weren't helping her grow up to tend to her emergencies. He was starting to feel remiss for all the years we worried about my daughter while ignoring his own. So I started becoming more firm with mine, telling her we couldn't keep rescuing her.
Here we are, several months ahead and her tooth has disintegrated and others are at risk. I told her that we cannot pay for it this time and that this is just one more example of her expecting us to pick up the pieces. I'm riddled with guilt and empathy for her situation, but remaining firm. She asks me to talk to my brother, her uncle, who is financially well off, and ask him for his help. I do ask him. He says he'll call her, and he never does. I'm guessing it's because he has watched her behavior over the years and does not want to contribute to her sense of entitlement. He is self made and worked hard at many jobs to get where he is and he wants to see her do the same. He feels she needs to learn that living on the edge has been her choice and she should experience the consequences.
She called me last week and said for me to please call her uncle and insist that he contact her and help her. I told her no, that it was up to her to pursue it from now on and that I am embarrassed to ask my brother to help my able-bodied daughter who habitually falls into financial crisis. I wasn't going to intercede on her behalf any more.
At that point, she cut me off... said she was done with me and the rest of us. Said she was sick of our family's "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" mentality and that she had been working hard to get her life back on track and couldn't understand how we can't be bothered to help her when her mouth is falling apart. I explained to her that it was she who couldn't be bothered to fix the tooth before it became a big problem but she will hear none of it. She said she feels abused and dismissed by the whole family and that if we want her to be independent, then she'll be independent all right, but it will include never having anything to do with any of us. She is extremely hurtful with lots of name calling and cussing.
So, here I am, with Christmas coming, feeling like a heel for letting my daughter suffer with her dental problems and being estranged from her, worrying about her, and also feeling incredulous that she can do this. I can't for the life of me ever dream of talking to my own Mom this way (when she was alive)... of punishing her for telling me it was time to grow up.
I guess my question now is, would anyone else here draw the same line? I understand it's one thing to tell an adult child you're no longer going to pay their phone bill or help with their rent, but do you also tell them you're not going to help them in a medical emergency, too? That's what I'm struggling with... that she's losing her teeth, even if it is by her own poor financial planning. She always resented that I didn't pay for braces when she was younger. We didn't have dental insurance, nor a generous income in those early years and I thought her smile was lovely. When she was older and out of the house, and I started doing better financially, she told me that I owed it to her... that I should pay for her to get braces as an adult because I could afford it better. I sometimes wonder if she's hurting herself to somehow spite me. She has blamed every bad decision on her upbringing. I know people with a lot harder upbringings than she had, who are making their way in life quite well.
Thanks for letting me type out my thoughts here. It's such a conflicting time and I welcome the insight of someone more seasoned or with a perspective I may not be seeing in my muddled state.
