She's Gone Again...and I'm okay...for now

[WearyMom18]

Hi Everyone,

Well it's been an eventful few days to say the least. She got into an argument with my husband on Wednesday evening at the dinner table about the fact that we weren't letting her use our vehicles to go and run around on her day off from work and it went downhill quickly from there. As my husband began to explain why he told her no to using his truck the following day, she immediately went into her room and started throwing clothes in her suitcase. Quicker than I've ever seen someone pack up, she was out the door and literally running down the street pulling her suitcase and carrying other bags as well.

I walked outside and told her that running away wasn't the answer to which she replied, "I am 18 and don't have to live with you if I don't want to. I don't have to put up with you or him and your s**t anymore either." I let her go.

She literally destroyed her phone the day she came back home just a couple of weeks ago so she doesn't have a phone at all anymore. I didn't hear from her for 2 days which I was oddly okay with. Today, she called me and said she needed to get her hat from her job in order to get her paycheck, which she had left in my car. Did I mention that she just stopped showing up to work after the night she left? Nice huh?

I told her she could come and get it. She asked if I would go put it in our mailbox so she wouldn't have to come up to the house. I told her no, that she could come to the house and knock on the door like anyone else. In the middle of that conversation she hung up on me. Of course! I was saying something she didn't like - how dare I? She sent a text immediately asking if I would meet her at the store near our house to give it to her which I didn't respond to. She then text that she would come to the house and get it. She showed up with a girl about her age that I haven't seen before and ask if she could get some of her toiletries and some underwear. I packed a small bag with some of the items I could quickly grab and gave it to her. She never looked me in the face, said nothing, and walked away.

We watched to see which way they turned from our street he was headed. She turned left, which takes her to the only place that she has ever gone in that direction which is the gang-related drug house she was at before she went into rehab. We wanted to see if she was going to staying somewhere locally so we have an idea of how severe our security precautions need to be seeing as though we were robbed by her and those same people that we think she is back with. Guess we got our answer...

This time, I'm angry. I haven't shed a tear and I actually feel a great sense of peace since she left. It's as though all the tension that was hanging in the air since she had been home was gone.

I know there will come a time, weeks down the road that I will feel sad and that is when I have to be prepared to ward off my own temptations to help her..even just a little because I know now that wehhave her a chance to live at home, work and have some safety and security, not to mention guidance and love and she left despite it all. She just stopped showiong up to work, a job that she was truly enjoying, her first job and she was finally earning some money for herself. Just doesn't make sense.

I can imagine that this will probably sound familiar to many of you although there is a part of me that that feels bad for feeling this way...I am glad she is gone. The tension and stress and worry was more intense the last two weeks than ever before and for the first time I can look back and realize that it wasn't working, for her or for us. We have reached a point that we all realize that we cannot live together as a family anymore. She, clearly, has her own ideals, her own ways, her own mind and there is nothing we can do for her anymore to try to guide her in the direction of a better life. she has to choose that for herself...or not. Either way, it's only for her to do now.

I feel at peace, at least for now. I am angry because I have the distinct feeling that she was just waiting for something to hapen that she could use as an excuse to leave again and I can see that now.

I have to go on living, and I feel comfortable now not taking calls or textsfrom her and truly putting some distance between use for a while, until I'm ready.

Wish me luck...

 

[InsaneCdn]

She's an addict. Rehab or not... drugs are really hard to kick, and many who do eventually get clean take multiple tries. Right now, you're talking to the addict, not your daughter. Why do you think she wanted the truck? It wasn't to do things you would want her to do. Trust me. The behavior when she couldn't have it probably means she was already in contact with her old group and had a plan to use that truck. Thank goodness she didn't get to take it.

Addiction is such a tough road... for everyone connected to the addict.

 

[BusynMember]

I walked outside and told her that running away wasn't the answer to which she replied, "I am 18 and don't have to live with you if I don't want to. I don't have to put up with you or him and your s**t anymore either." I let her go.

As rude, in my opinion, asyour daughter was, she spoke her truth. She is eighteen. She can try to make it on your own and use emotional blackmail to get you to allow her to use your vehicles, which are a privilege, not a right. Apparently her pattern is you do what she wants or she leaves to punish you. This is her decision. You can not stand in her way. You can accept that she does this and you have the ability to stand your ground...you only have control over YOU, not her.

As I learned this past week, it is best not to follow what our dysfunctional family members do, including our adult children. We can't stop them and we can't control them. So knowing wht they do just stresses us out and does not change anything. I would ignore FB, if she has one, and let her do her thing without checking up on her. There is no point other than to get yourself upset. And you don't need that.

Drug addicts, or even intoxicated people who are not addicts, do not belong on the road so you can certainly feel good that you are not contributing to a possible accident.

You can not force her to quit using drugs. When she wants to, she will. Until she stops, she will not be pleasant.

You can accept reality without judgment, as I am doing tonight (I'm on a roll with this and ofen do this when I need to get to that peaceful place). Truth without judgement: Daughter is an addict. She runs away when she doesn't get what she wants. She does not want to stop using yet. You can think this reality without judging her. I find the judgement part regarding anybody I know makes it hard for me and, let's face it, you can't control your daughter (or anyone else) so you may as well make your life better for you.

Your daughter will survive and she is young...she could change. But it is up to her and letting go of the control you want to have over her is very useful for you. Nothing you do will change her. No rehab will help her until she is ready. I do not know if you are aware of my story, but my sweet, precious daughter quit drugs without rehab and has been clean for so long it's hard to believe she ever did drugs.

Put radical acceptance into your search engine, if you feel inclined, to learn how to accept reality without judging it. I just did many meditations which truly set me straight.

You may want to try meditation. I use YouTube for guided meditation. And I do also listen to the top psychiatrists in the country talk about Radical Acceptance, also on YouTube.I am feeling very peaceful now because I know the only person I can control is myself and that what others judge me as does not matter. I highly recommend these meditations and talks by the top psychiatrists. It's like therapy sessions withe very best for FREE

Hugs for your hurting heart, but you can do this.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Quicker than I've ever seen someone pack up, she was out the door and literally running down the street pulling her suitcase and carrying other bags as well.

I'm sorry. I know you wanted something different from this time.

She never looked me in the face, said nothing, and walked away.

Ouch.

We wanted to see if she was going to staying somewhere locally so we have an idea of how severe our security precautions need to be seeing as though we were robbed by her and those same people that we think she is back with.

Wherever she is staying, you will need to take precautions.

I haven't shed a tear and I actually feel a great sense of peace since she left. It's as though all the tension that was hanging in the air since she had been home was gone.

You have sacrificed so much for this child ~ even the peace and safety of your home.

I know there will come a time, weeks down the road that I will feel sad and that is when I have to be prepared to ward off my own temptations to help he

It could be that when that time comes, you will have become familiar with detachment parenting. You are here with us now. Our stories will help you learn a different way of seeing and deciding how to proceed.

It is still going to be very hard.

I am sorry this is happening.

Just doesn't make sense.

It isn't going to make sense. You are in new territory with this child and the old rules don't apply. The only thing you can control is your own response. This is your time to learn all you can about how to do that. We need to learn how to respond to our children differently, and we need to learn how to cope with the pain.

And we need to learn to cherish our lives, in spite of the pain.

You have been through so much already with this child. You are doing so well.

I am glad she is gone. The tension and stress and worry was more intense the last two weeks than ever before and for the first time I can look back and realize that it wasn't working, for her or for us.

You did your best.

I am angry because I have the distinct feeling that she was just waiting for something to hapen that she could use as an excuse to leave again and I can see that now.

There is often a genetic component to these kinds of behaviors. There can be a genetic component to addiction, too. When our kids are using, they turn into cruel, manipulative monsters. They say and do and believe things they never learned at home, and they run with vicious people.

I believe drug use affects the capacity for empathy. I think all those good feelings drugs bring on happen because the drug wrings the brain dry to create the high, creating nasty chemical imbalances. Nothing else explains the changes we see in our kids once they start using. As use slides into addiction, our children become almost unrecognizable to us.

My D H and I have been where you and your D H are.

I am so sorry this is happening.

I have to go on living, and I feel comfortable now not taking calls or textsfrom her and truly putting some distance between use for a while, until I'm ready.

Wish me luck...

I wish you strength to come through this intact. I wish you compassion for yourself and for your D H.

There is nothing easy about what is happening to all of you ~ your child, too. If she could choose something different, I am sure she would.

But we have to see what is real, not what we wish were real.

You will find so many similarities in our stories. Seeing those similarities in the ways kids who are abusing drugs behave, in the ways they talk to and about us, in the things they tell us and the things they steal from us and a thousand other things will help you come to grips with all of it sooner.

This is not your fault.

This thing that is happening to your child has nothing to do with either of you, or with how she was raised.

If you (and I did not realize Done Dad was your D H) and your D H were not decent, concerned parents at the end of your ropes and willing to learn any smallest thing that might help, something you missed, some way to change this for your child, you would not have found and posted to us.

If there were a simple fix or even, a way to see clearly sooner or some way to identify where it could be that a parent goes wrong that results in a child fooling around with drugs and falling into addiction, the parents on this site would have found it by now.

What we did find is a way to survive it.

We found a way to love our kids and ourselves through it.

We have learned to say no to most things because, as near as we can tell from everything we share here, that is what is best for the child. You have heard talk about bringing the bottom up to help someone who is addicted or self-destructive in other ways. What we do here is try to get very clear about what exactly we need to see from the child before we will help.

That helps us not to help.

I am glad you are here. There are so many helpful things out there for us. Visit YouTube regarding parenting abusive or addicted kids. You will be surprised at what is out there.

:O)

Cedar

 

[WearyMom18]

Cedar, Done Dad here in the forum isn't my husband, he just coincidentally calls himself a done dad. Lol

 

[WearyMom18]

She has already called me this morning, waking me from sleep I desperately needed, to once again ask for money. She called from a different phone this time.

 

[Tanya M]

Well, I had really hoped you would have a better outcome. I'm sorry it turned out the way it did.

I walked outside and told her that running away wasn't the answer to which she replied, "I am 18 and don't have to live with you if I don't want to. I don't have to put up with you or him and your s**t anymore either." I let her go.

I think your parting words to her were perfect. Her response is very typical. It's good that you let her go, there was nothing else you could do.

I told her she could come and get it. She asked if I would go put it in our mailbox so she wouldn't have to come up to the house. I told her no, that she could come to the house and knock on the door like anyone else.

Bravo!!! This is how you set boundaries and you stuck to it. Good Job!!

This time, I'm angry. I haven't shed a tear and I actually feel a great sense of peace since she left. It's as though all the tension that was hanging in the air since she had been home was gone.

Anger is good thing. It's part of the process. The emotions we go through with our Difficult Child is parallel to the stage of grief.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
I think you can experience more than one emotion at a time as you work through them but ultimately the most important one is acceptance.

I can imagine that this will probably sound familiar to many of you although there is a part of me that that feels bad for feeling this way...I am glad she is gone.

I understand you feeling bad, that's part of a mother's guilt, however it's ok to be glad that's she's gone. I'm glad for you.

I have to go on living, and I feel comfortable now not taking calls or textsfrom her and truly putting some distance between use for a while, until I'm ready.

This is good. You are working in the right direction.

You will have ups and downs but you are gaining a good grasp on what you need to do for your own mental health. You are doing great. It does get easier as time goes on.

 

[Tanya M]

She has already called me this morning, waking me from sleep I desperately needed, to once again ask for money. She called from a different phone this time.

Don't be surprised if she starts using threats to get what she wants. If you haven't already I would point out to her that she had a job that she chose to leave and now she has to deal with the consequences.

Hang in there!!

 

[BusynMember]

That was predictable. I would shut off her ATM while she is using.

You do not have to answer the phone, listen to voicemail or read texts. Is it tempting? At first. But you know certain people will only be either asking for stuff or abusing you. I have set my new phone to ring tones so I recognize who is calling me and unfamiliar numbers go to voicemail, which I start to listen to and then delete if they are toxic. Texts...two words will tell you if you should read the rest.If your phone has a block feature, you can use that until you are ready to communicate again.

I hope you are doing well this morning. Meditate, take a long walk and enjoy the beautiful nature of our world, read a good book, laugh at a funny movie...these are things I have learned to do in therapy. They are aptly called "distractions." Don't dwell on the negative event. Move on to something fun.Chances are you will feel so much better afterward that her request will bother you less and you can think about your response or lack of.

I know I tend to be impulsive and when I act impulsively I always feel that the other person got the better of me because I reacted and that I let myself down by not taking time to decide what to do. I have been guilty of this in the past few days. Triggers can be lethal...they are not your friends. Move on, move on, move on.

You have done the right thing. Your daughter is old enough to get a job.

Hugs for your hurting heart...again.

 

[recoveringenabler]

WM, I am impressed with your strength, resolve and commitment to yourself, you really sound quite healthy. You're doing a very good job! AND, I know how hard it is and how crummy you can feel. I think every one of us here can relate to your feeling that you are glad that she is gone.......most of us have felt that way. It is certainly a relief to stop walking on eggshells waiting for the other shoe to drop. You were smart to not let your guard down and to keep your boundaries intact.

For a while a couple of years ago I was in a Codependency course which ended up being a lifesaver for me to learn how to stop enabling.........we learned a lot about addiction and we were told repeatedly that relapses are part of recovery. Your daughter is young, she has a ways to go yet. And, she has the natural desire for independence 18 year olds have.......which leaves you in the position of having to learn how to let go.......probably the most difficult thing any of us will ever have to do.......AND, you are doing it.

When I arrived here 3 1/2 years ago, bruised and battered like many of us here, I was determined to find a way out of all of the suffering.......with that commitment I found my way through this maze of craziness our kids drag us through.......I read the books, attended therapy and parent groups, kept coming back here, I did everything I could to learn, to grow, to detach........and with that commitment I made it through to the other side where peace and acceptance live. I see that same commitment in you.......you are willing to change and grow and do what it takes to find your own acceptance and live a life of peace..........our kids will do what they do...so it really ends up being about OUR willingness to change, not waiting for them to change or lamenting about where they are in their lives.....none of that is within our control, the only control we have is how we respond to the situation. You understand that and with that understanding will come peace. Stay the course, you're doing a stellar job.

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, dear. I am so sorry. This sounds exactly what we went through last month.
I feel for you.
I'm glad you have set boundaries.
And you know she will call when she needs something ... she already has.
Many, many, many hugs.

 

[Rina]

I'm sorry things went the way they did. That must have extremely painful.
We really can't control them. It's a reality that's so hard to accept (I'm switching between acknowledging it and completely forgetting I've ever "learned" it).
The only thing you can do is hope, try your best not to enable, and take care of yourself. It doesn't make it any easier. But it is what it is. Hugs.

 

[WearyMom18]

I'm at a place right now of feeling glad she's gone and honestly feeling like I need a few months of no contact with her. I need a break from the stress of her begging for money and repeated phone calls asking for money and lying about anything and everything. It hurts to even hear from her so I just need some time where I can not have to deal with that to rest and gain my strength again. It is so draining when she is at home because everything is an unknown with her.

I blocked the number she called me from so she called me from a different phone. She is so self centered and I suspect wrapped up in what this 'boyfriend' asks her to do that she doesn't care what contact with her is stressful and painful. I want some peace from the nagging guilt I can't get rid of even though I know I didn't do anything to make her life be what it is today.

I want her to go on with her life and figure it out! She was resistant to any parenting I gave her and has made her choices! I feel like screaming, 'You have made these choices and you have destroyed relationships so figure it out and don't call for help the minute you suffer some struggle in life! " I know it sounds horrible but I desperately need a break, a mental health holiday from her dysfunction!

I dread the days when I will feel sad and may even feel inclined to help her because helping her isn't actually helping her, it just makes me feel better for a minute or two and then back to feeling crumby.

Ugh, it's a long road, I know, but is it too much to ask to have some peace? At least for a few months? But she will never do that because her world revolves only around her and her needs. So here's to blocking phone numbers for a while to take the peace I want and need by force.

Thank you everyone for your undying support. It is truly a comfort.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I need a break from the stress of her begging for money and repeated phone calls asking for money and lying about anything and everything.

I think it will help if you can see the calls and the begging and lying as expected behavior. This will be a hard thing to admit. No one wants the terrible things that are happening to become the pattern of our relationship to our children. It is a hurtful admission to make.

I am sorry, WearyMom.

Have you come up with a few standard responses? It will comfort you to have something prepared. After the phone call or face to face, knowing that you responded with a phrase you had chosen ahead of time will help you be more comfortable with having said no. (Instead of beating yourself up and eating yourself alive and guilting yourself into some terrible emotional place you may not be able to get out of easily.) You will know why you said no without having to get into the down and dirty of it with yourself.

I was always my worst enemy, too.

I was absolutely unprepared to think badly of my kids, or to believe what was happening to all of us, or to accept that there was nothing I could do to change it for any of us.

It helped me to remember the power in money. (That didn't happen for a long time. I was so sure I could love them out of it, or understand them out of it. Or bail them out of it one more time.) When it happens that we get right up front with ourselves about what is really going on with our kids, we begin to see the money issue differently. If there was ever going to be a way for me to influence the direction my kids were taking, it would be through giving or withholding money. I would think about that, about what it meant for me to have said "NO MONEY". Or "NO, YOU CANNOT LIVE IN MY HOUSE WHILE I'M GONE." (Note I did not say this worked. :O) Nothing worked. But I felt better, and that is what we are after, here.) Saying no like that taught me about the value of money, and the harm to the kids in getting free money if they could make the situation dire enough. So, what I am trying to say here is: Your daughter is following a path you disapprove of. To help her do that is wrong. This isn't about one meal or a pair of jeans. This is about where she is taking her life, and with whom.

She was raised better. In her heart, she knows this.

That is a weapon for you, too. Begin telling her that every chance you have. She will hate it.

:O)

To allow her to beg hard enough and then, get the money, teaches a very bad lesson. In the end, there is more integrity for the kids if they have figured out some way to get their own money, living space, whatever.

It helped me to remember those kinds of things. It was still hard. But at least I knew why I was saying no, and had that to counter the pain in my child's voice.

I would learn, over time, that I loved them enough to come through even the horrible twistedness of the relationship that happened to all of us over money.

I never saw it as teaching my child to beg.

But that is what giving them money for nothing is.

It is so draining when she is at home because everything is an unknown with her.

Yes. She refuses to follow the rules, even in who is the mom and who the child who suddenly knows every damn thing in the world.

she doesn't care what contact with her is stressful and painful.

I always did believe that the kids see us as these enormously self-sufficient adult people who cannot be hurt. They expect that we can magically make anything at all all right. The hurt in it is that we feel that way too a little bit.

It's what we have always done. Protected, cherished, taught, celebrated their sweet, sweet existences and our great good fortune in having them.

I want some peace from the nagging guilt I can't get rid of even though I know I didn't do anything to make her life be what it is today.

Each of us reaches a place where we decide to leap into detachment parenting. I don't know that any of us believes in it at first. Part of it is that by the time the kids are in big trouble, we are so guilty and worried and they are so rebellious that our authority to parent is shot and we find ourselves saying "no" pretty much never.

But that is what has to happen.

That is where we stand up ~ with that first beginning understanding that the child is choosing a wrong path.

The child is.

And she was raised better and the only tool at your disposal to help her turn this thing around is "NO".

No, you do not approve ~ not of anything she is doing, not of where she is living, and not her nasty, self-destructive friends. You are within your rights and it is your responsibility as a parent to refuse to fund your child's self destructive lifestyle in any way.

And that includes moral or mother-support.

You may still lose the battle, but you will go down honest.

It will still be very hard.

I am sorry.

But you are strong, and you can do this, and we are right here.

'You have made these choices and you have destroyed relationships so figure it out and don't call for help the minute you suffer some struggle in life! "

Yay! You have the phrase that will give you strength when you most need it. Write it on index cards. Keep one in your purse, one on the fridge, one in the case your phone is in. Keep one on your desk at work, or in your pocket.

You need to take the phrase one step further, I think. It isn't so much that she does or doesn't call about money. You have a right to be angry about the life your child is throwing away to have the one she is choosing. You would be correct in refusing to fund it.

It will be hard either way. We hemorrhaged money, and it was still hard. As the addiction takes hold, they just keep wanting more. One of my children wanted a duplex. The other was totally on his side because she wanted one, too.

That way, they could follow the lives they'd decided without having to worry about money or a place to live. They would each live in a duplex and rent the other side out for spending money.

Can you imagine that we almost did that.

The battle is not with the kids. The battle is with ourselves.

No one wants to be the kind of parent we have to learn to be.

I know it sounds horrible but I desperately need a break, a mental health holiday from her dysfunction!

This is true.

Yoga is good. Meditation is good. Ballet class, karate classes, and Tai Chi were very good for me. Volunteering is a good thing. Here is the yoga series I use:

It is good to have the ability to participate on your own schedule.

The other things you will need an instructor for, but that is a good thing, too. Those things we add to our lives that are not sullied by what is happening with our children are a good and healthy response to the pain.

I finished the requirements for my degree and established myself in a career at some point as I went through all this with the kids.

Anything to take the emphasis from the pain. This is your one life. You will not have even one minute to live over.

***

Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy by Sarah Ban Breathnack

Begin a gratitude journal. List five things you are grateful for every day at bedtime. You will sleep better and feel more sane and hopeful. Sleeping well will make a difference in how the next day looks and feels.

Child of Mine named these things we use to get ourselves back to functional our tools. She named her knowledge of this collection of poetry and inspiration and exercise and discipline and radical acceptance her tool box. When she does not know what to do, she remembers the tool box, and the life saving tools there.

You need to create a tool box, too.

but is it too much to ask to have some peace?

You must learn to care for yourself in these ways, and create your own peace.

No one knows why our children are behaving as they are. Drugs, genetics, illness. Eventually, why will come not to matter. With all my heart, I wish for your child to turn this around.

Which are the things you know of right now that bring you strength and peace and happiness?

Those are your tools.

And us, of course. We are right here.

Cedar

 

[Tanya M]

I know it sounds horrible but I desperately need a break, a mental health holiday from her dysfunction!

This does not sound horrible, it sounds honest. Yes, you not only need, you deserve a break from the chaos your daughter has inflicted upon you. There is nothing wrong with needing some time to replenish your strength and spirit.

I completely agree with Cedar.

Have you come up with a few standard responses? It will comfort you to have something prepared. After the phone call or face to face, knowing that you responded with a phrase you had chosen ahead of time will help you be more comfortable with having said no. (Instead of beating yourself up and eating yourself alive and guilting yourself into some terrible emotional place you may not be able to get out of easily.) You will know why you said no without having to get into the down and dirty of it with yourself.

One phrase that I use with my son is "I'm really sorry that you are having such a difficult time, I hope things get better for you"
Also, when asking for money I learned to never say things like "I'm sorry I can't help you" this kind of statement can lead into debate and argument. When they ask for money or other things the best response is a simple "NO". You do not owe an explanation so don't offer one. Short simple answers are the best.

This is not an easy journey but you are farther along than you think you are. You have already acknowledged the need to detach and have started the process.

Now is the time to be on your guard even more because as you draw back from helping her or giving her money she most likely will ramp up her efforts to get you to do what she wants. Our Difficult Child can be masters at manipulation and gaslighting. This is also a good reason to limit communication. Text messages can allow you time to think about your response and it doesn't allow for a heated debate.

You are now at the point of learning coping skills and techniques in dealing with your daughter.

I'm sorry for the pain you are suffering, I know all to well what it's like.

Hang in there, you're doing great.

 

[WearyMom18]

As usual ladies you've settled my mind.

I must say I am pretty proud of the fact that she text me tonite from a different number (I blocked the last number) and said, 'Mom, can you buy me a cell phone and a plan at walmart, I can pay for it'. I replied with No, if you can pay for it go get one!

Next she asked about her court date on wednesday in a city about 5 hrs from our home and if I was still willing to take her. I told her I would because I have fully paid for the attorney but I would be ready to leave a 2pm on Tuesday and if she wasn't there ready to go then I would go back to work and she can find her own ride. She came back with, 'I have a ride there so thanks!' I simply replied Great!.

I know and I'm sure she does too, that whomever has said they would take her will likely never follow thru. They are young people like her with no jobs and living in a group somewhere. She will never admit that she k ow the people she is with are not really her friends but I've seen this over and over. She tells me her friends big plans for something and then I always get a call or text saying they screwed her over. OMG, really? It's like things happen to her over snd over and she is still utterly confused everyone it happens! It's insanity!

I blocked that number as well. I am dreading Tuesday at the thought of having to be in a car with her cooped up for 5 hours and then in a hotel all night because our last trip to court was an absolute nightmare with her verbal abuse. I am only agreeing to take her this time because uts the final court date and because I've already paid the attorney to get this done so I want to go, get her punishment and be done. Her other pending possession charge near our home, she is on her own but at least I will know I didn't throw that money down the drain. I've decided that if she shows up, I'll go but there will be conditions such as no yelling and cussing me or I will turn the car around and go home, consequences be damned. I will NOT be abused. If she doesn't show snd her friends don't take her she can just have a warrant out and eventually go to jail.

I'm nervous all the time at home, especially at night because she is staying nearby but we've done all we can as far as security goes so nothing really to do except hope and be vigilant.

I'm stronger now and feel like I will be successful at detaching which I think will help ease my occasional moments of worry and panic and sadness. She's not done with me yet so un fortunately there are still battles for me to endure but I will not lose the war. Stay strong everyone and thank you, as always!

 

[DoneDad]

You're doing great in an impossible situation.

Your security concerns are justified. They honestly believe we owe them money, etc. after our D C left at 18 similar to yours to "live" with abusive jerk, we cut off the money flow so they came at night and robbed us. Neighbor saw them so we called the police. They both gave statements admitting what they did but with lengthy justifications (we weren't giving them money, they needed money, so they robbed us). They thought that made it OK. The cops must have loved their stupidity - sure we'll confess because we had a good reason to rob them.

Get your list of responses ready, she will be back demanding money, rides, etc. In her mind, you owe it to her.

 

[WearyMom18]

Wow Done Dad, I know how that feels. My daughter admitted to showing her friends where our valuables were so they could take them and had no real reason other than they needed money.

She contacted me today letting me know that she has found a way to get to her court date out of town on Wed but is trying to come up with gas money. She didn't come out and ask for money but I did tell her that I hoped she got it worked out. She ended the call by saying she didn't need money from me so I guess that's something.

When she first called she was trying to have a conversation as if our relationship and situation is fine. She asked what I was doing, told me what she had for lunch and ask how my day was going which I was totally uncomfortable with. I am trying to not have contact with her right now because it's an unending series of requests for help that we have already made clear are no longer available. She acted like everything was normal which may be partly her feeling uncomfortable and not know what else to say or she is manipulating me. Don't get me wrong, I want nothing more than to have a normal healthy relationship but that's not the case right now so to behave that way rubs me wrong.

I'm not cancelling my time off from work that's already been approved to take her to court because even if she says she has a ride, her friends (she calls them friends) never follow through and for whatever reason she hasn't gotten that yet! I want this thing wrapped up because I'm the signer on the bond so keeping my fingers crossed this goes smoothly.

Everyday is a new adventure!

 

[Echolette]

Weary,

I think it is totally OK to say "I feel very uncomfortable having this casual chit chat as though everything were normal in our relationship when it is not. I don't want to have conversations like this that make me feel so uncomfortable. I love you and I want to stay in touch but this isn't working for me. How about if we plan to talk every Sunday at noon for 20 minutes." Or something along those lines. Or just the first part.

I found that being very honest with my difficult child about my own experience of our relationship was a real relief to me, even when he didn't take it well. It just felt good to not be held hostage in a false setting, if you know what I mean.

Good luck to you. Many many of us have been where you are. Its hard. Continue to trust your instincts and do what feels right to you...even better, trust your instincts but wait 24 hours before you act on them!

Hugs to you,

Echo

 

[Childofmine]

We live on pins and needles with them for so very long that at times just saying...the actual truth...and surprising them for a change, is blessed relief.

I would pick and choose my times to do that, and try to remain calm while saying whatever I decided to say, but in most cases, I felt relieved to have let some of the pressure off.

We deserve the clean feeling of being just truthful---not mean or angry---just truthful, sometimes.